Ingredients
1 pigeon breast (bought, or foraged*)
1 potato
2 portions of butter and 2 portions of cream (again, foraged**)
1 teaspoon Bovril
Petals from about 30 dandelion flowers
Some sugar

First of all, I'm serious. This isn't a joke.

This is a recipe that I tried out while developing my new show (George Egg: DIY Chef). It's not a recipe that's in the show but some of the tools I use are. For this dish I used:
An Energer EN484 Wallpaper Stripper
A DeWalt DW360 Hot Air Gun
A Morphy Richards Voyager 800 Travel Kettle

You'll need to make a dandelion syrup first and let it steep for a day, so make that in advance (pour boiling water over the dandelion petals, wait 30 seconds, drain, dry, steep in water for 24 hours, drain again, sweeten with sugar, reduce until syrupy).

Switch on the wallpaper stripper and bring the water in it to the boil. Peel your potatoes (I have a fast way of doing this using a drill and another household appliance but it's in the show so you'll have to come along to find out how that's done). Chop them small enough to drop through the aperture in the top of the stripper and boil for about fifteen minutes. Then drain out the water and mash together with the butter and cream before seasoning to perfection.

Oil the outside of your pigeon breast, lay it on something heatproof (like a shovel blade or a dustbin lid) and fire the DeWalt heat gun at it until the outside is crispy and golden. You want it rare in the middle so don't overdo it. Then let it rest (you can wrap it in bubble wrap if you have some lying around, or pop it into a padded envelope).

Finally make the sauce: combine the Bovril with a little syrup and a little water and mix. Pour it into the shovel blade (you want the juices from the pigeon so don't clean it out after cooking the meat) and blast it with the heat gun until it starts to bubble.

Finally pile the sliced pigeon onto the creamed potato and spoon over the sauce.

* You can buy pigeon breasts from butchers, but come on, there's lots of them (pigeons, not butchers), you've got a windowsill haven't you? Lure them with broken biscuits, grab by the neck, drag inside, dispatch with a swift blow from a hairdryer (by which I mean blow as in a strike, not a blow as in a blast of hot air) and you'll be looking at a choice pair of breasts.

** Most supermarket cafes have a glut of butter portions, sauce sachets, cream and milk pots which you can help yourself to. Should someone confront you and ask why you're filling your pockets simply say "I'm diabetic actually". They don't know what it means. I don't know what it means, but it works. They'll apologise and leave you to it.

George Egg: DIY Chef is on every day until 27th August at 4:15pm at Gilded Balloon Teviot.