Hi my friends, Please have a look at this daft sketch and feed back if you please. Much.
57 VARIETIES
INT. NIGHT. IN AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING RESTAURANT
TWO COMPETITIVE AND RATHER AFFECTED YOUNG EXECUTIVES SITTING AROUND A TABLE, PERUSING A MENU.
Man1:
I battered my sales targets this week. If I carry on like this I’ll be on six figures no bother.
Man 2:
I must have sold 10 mil’s worth this week so I’ll be well due a huuuuge wage hike.
Man 1:
So what do you fancy, before we go off and seek out some serious booze and birds?
Man 2:
I know this menu like the face of my Rolex. I usually go for Marcel’s special.
Man1 :
I like the look of the crumb-punched halibut in a Pattiboulaye sauce. I saw Gordon Ramsay cook it with a crisp crunch crumb and a bed of cor blimey leaf.
Man 2:
Yeah, I think Nigella lathered the fish’s bishop and rogered the rosti with a goose fat smear.
Man1:
That sounds like Nigella all over. The saucy minx.
Man 2:
I threw a major dinner party last week and I tried to cook this one here, look, the tungsten lamb in a spunk-tossed rosemary crow.
Man1:
Oh yeah – Ainsley Harriot did a trump smoked version on Ready Steady Go.
Man:2
Was it with fanny battered tomato goujons in a hoola hoop jus ?
Man1:
No, a mulled Irn Bru bum-bum gravy with a cumquat helmet.
Man 2:
Oh, the lobster wedges on a bed of bitch-wiggle croutons sounds damn good.
Man 1:
That was what I cooked last week – but I added some strangled rabbit medals drizzled with fudge-pack oil from Umbria.
MAN 2 LOOKS UP FROM HIS MENU.
Man 2:
That sounds horrible.
Man 1:
Everyone was sick, come to think of it. I thought it might have been the quimlip meringue.
THE WAITER APPROACHES AND ADDRESSES THE MEN IN A DEFERENTIAL FRENCH VOICE.
Waiter:
Are you ready to order.
MAN 1 PERUSES THE MENU FOR 5 SECONDS AND LOOKS SPEECHLESS.
THE WAITER TURNS TO MAN 2
Waiter:
Would sir like to order?
Man 2:
The beans for me please.
Man1:
The beans for me too, thank you.
The waiter says’ ‘Very good’ and folds up the menus, nods his head and walks away.
AFTER LOOKING LOST IN THOUGHT, MAN 1 TURNS TO MAN 2
Man 1:
Hugh Fearnley Whittenstall rustles his own beans from the wasp factory on his farm.
Man 2:
Bollocks.