This is a sketch from a show I have currently been writing::

A MAN IS SAT LOOKING MISERABLE AT A TABLE, HIS NAME IS VIRGIL

VIRGIL LOOKS AT ALL THE COUPLES GETTING IT ON AND THIS MAKES HIM SIGH WITH SADNESS

SUDDENLY HE PERKS UP. A ATTRACTIVE LADY APPROACHES HIM

WOMAN:
Hi, it’s a good night isn’t it?
(SHE SAYS IN AN OBVIOUS FLIRTATIOUS MANNER)

VIRGIL MAN LOOKS EXCITED BY THE PROSPECT OF THIS ATTRACTIVE LADY TAKING AN INTERESTED IN HIM AND MOVES CLOSER TO TAKE HIS CHANCE BUT…

SUDDENLY HE SEEMS TO GET A VERY NOTICABLE ERECTION, A BULGE APPEARS IN HIS PANTS BUT IT’S NOT WHAT YOU MAY THINK AND IT IS SOON SPEAKING

GAY PENIS:
No night is lovely when you have genital warts

WOMAN LOOKS DISGUSTED AND WALKS AWAY

VIRGIL:
(SHOUTS)
No, please don't go!

GAY PENIS:
(SHOUTS)
I'm still a virgin in fact.

THE WOMAN HAS OBVIOUSLY HAD ENOUGH OF THIS STRANGE MAN AND TROTS OFF, MUCH TO THE MANS ANGUISH, YET ANOTHER POTENTIAL CHANCE TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY IS WALKING OUT OF HIS LIFE

MAN STANDS WITH HIS HEAD HUNG LOW WHEN SUDDENLY A VERY ATHLETIC, HANSOM YOUNG MAN DANCES PAST

GAY PENIS:
Look at the ass on that, phwoar!

THE MAN RAISES HIS ARMS TO THE HEAVENS AND SCREAMS

MAN:
I HAVE A GAY PENIS!!!!!!!!!

MAN RUNS OUT OFF OF THE DANCEFLOOR WAILING AS ANOTHER MAN RUNS ON

I might be biased as I'm not really a fan of sketches but I always think that those that are successful should be able to be told as a verbal joke, in a pub say, and still work. Because most sketches are just that, a story with a gag, pun or twist on the end. This sketch and joke didn't really work for me generally.

I think if you were going to try and make it differently, you could perhaps make the joke in a more sophisticated manner. So far it's all a bit 'step one - step two - punchline', you know, 'man likes women - penis likes men - gay penis'

Definately don't have him shout 'I have a gay penis' at the end, you shouldn't need that explanation if the sketch is executed correctly.

Sorry if it sounds a bit like it's all criticism, I'm not a fan of sketches generally so only take my opinion lightly. I'm sure you'll get a load of positives as well and then you can simply put them with my response to get a balanced answer.

Hi Scott

It's a bit odd as sketches go. There just seems to be something missing from it and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it's that you need to make a bigger deal of the whole thing, as it were.

Agree with Tom about the ending. I can't see why he stands up to shout out. If he does do that, you need some feedback/reaction from the surrounding people (either moving away from him or some comment or other).

Hope this helps

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ January 10, 2007, 4:13 PM

Hi Scott
There just seems to be something missing and I can't quite put my finger on it.

View original

Something a bloke can't locate or put his finger on? That'll be the clitoris...

Had to get that in before one of the girls spotted it.

Agree with the above comments, something not firing. I can work out from later lines that the scene is a pub(?) but you don't specify this. Script-readers like it all on a plate, though. They want to know the setting, not have to work it out. Other things that should be implicit (through action and dialogue) you make explicit (by telling us via stage direction).

I like the basic idea tho. Have you posted this before as i remember reading this a few months back?

I liked it Scott it has potential.I reckon it will be far funnier acted out than it is written down.
I love sketches about rude things too. Still have a 5 year old's sense of humour when it comes to pooh poo's and we wee's.
I never tire of it.
I could almost imagine the "Gay Penis" dropping off and rolling away to find its own bit of bum fun. Maybe you could have a "Gay bum" sketch to go with it. Another straight guy (well he thinks he is)can come into the room but with a Gay Bum.
xx

I think I have a straight penis... more's the pity for me.

*sigh*

Ben...Guess what? I have a straight punani....

Well, don't say it too loudly, or else everyone will want one!

Ok Ben. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I have a straight, starving hungry punani & anyone that wants it can have it...

I have straight penis, very straight arse and yet I have a f**king gay brain.

Either:

a) There is no God

or

b) There is a God and he's got a wicked sense of humour.

Haha!!!! You will do nicely.
Shall we flirt together Ben?
I can pinch your straight arse and pick your gay brain about an outfit i need an opinion on. If you are a good Boy i will let you style my hair. (hair on ones head, none on punani)Now theres a little bit of info you didnt realy need.
Nope in all seriuosnes. Us girlies lurve a straight guy with a gay brain. Best of both worlds, well apart from a lady-boy. They are truly the most enjoyable

Ladyboys?

As in the drink-combo invented by Alan Partridge?

A Pint of Lager with chasers of a baileys and a gin & tonic?

Or the ones you find in Bangkok?

Men that look like women, with big fake tits and a hetrosexual, or gay will even do 10 ft long Penis.
They always have an enormous penis. Why is that?

Scott what have you started? Ben & I have gone quite mad.

I know the location is not stated clearly and it seems a bit of a quick fire scene but that is largely due to this sketch be lifted out of a script I wrote that revolved around characters who run a pub.

Thanks for the feedback, I might lengthen this scene to include the suggestion of another straight with the gay rear and the two are relucantly dragged together through the busy night crowd when the gay rear hears Virgil shout at the end