1. INT – DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM – DAY

A BLOKE WALKS IN AND GOES UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST’S DESK.

BLOKE:
I’d like to see a doctor please.

RECEPTIONIST:
Do you have an appointment?

BLOKE:
No, But I have a severed hand though and I’m quite possibly bleeding to death.

THE RECEPTIONIST’S MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RECEPTIONIST:
Just a minute I need to take this call.

BLOKE:
Ok

RECEPTIONIST DEALS WITH CALL. IT'S A PRIVATE PERSONAL CALL. SEVERAL MOMENTS PASS

RECEPTIONIST:
Oh I know. Kerry was in a right state silly cow. Anyway gotta dash I'm at work. Bye.

SHE FINISHES THE CALL

RECEPTIONIST:
I’ve no appointments available today. Can you come back tomorrow? I couldn't fit you in until then at the earliest.

BLOKE:
Yeah. OK

RECEPTIONIST:
You don’t really have a severed hand do you?

BLOKE:
And you don’t have a compassionate bone in your body do you?

RECEPTIONIST:
No I'm a doctor’s receptionist.

BLOKE:
Thought as much.

BLOKE COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR AND DOCTOR'S BUZZER GOES

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Jessop please!

2. EXT - OUTSIDE SURGERY - DAY

UNDERTAKERS VAN REMOVING BLOKES BODY FROM SURGERY

END:

Hi Blenkinsop, to be honest, I preferred the slightly shorter version with the drum roll ending. Not sure which one you did first.

Hi Steve

The other one was the first and I think you're probably right. I think them both looking at the camera after the drum roll was more in keeping with the original idea.

It was quite literally a first take straight off the bat, written and posted as soon as spell checked; I wanted to put something new on the C4 site once I'd found it and the sketch does need a bit of smartening up work overall

Hi Blenkinsop

I enjoyed the sketch but think the whole Doctor's receptionist thing is overdone in general.

Don't take this the wrong way but your sketch isn't *that* far off the truth with regards to the receptionist attitude! I think you need to exaggerate it a lot more to make it stand out.

First line reads like a first draft. I think you need to just say 'No, but I *do* have a severed hand.' as the rest of the line feels superfluous and loses the initial impact when the 'bleeding to death' bit is added.

It certainly has the potential to work.

Hope this is helpful.

Dan

I liked it. Apart from tightening all I'd do is after BLOKE says: Thought as much. I think we should HEAR A THUD - BLOKE AND REC LOOK DOWN AT FLOOR. Then the bloke collapses as you've got it. Not sure you need the ambulance but if you do maybe the Receptionist could run after it waving the severed hand. Gilding the lily I think they call it.

Quote: Charlie Adams @ January 10, 2007, 10:19 AM

... maybe the Receptionist could run after it waving the severed hand. Gilding the lily I think they call it.

View original

Please tell me there is not a industry-standard phrase for running after someone waving a severed hand!

Dan

Dan
I was refering to the hand waving as being a double tag. 'Tagging the tag' is a better phrase. But while we're about it - could you tell me how to do that quote thing? I can't figure it out at all.
CA

Err..i'm probably being really thick here, but I don't get it.

Quote: Tom Pk @ January 10, 2007, 11:39 AM

Err..i'm
probably being really thick here, but I don't get it.

View original

I don't get it either.

Quote: Charlie Adams @ January 10, 2007, 10:47 AM

Dan
I was refering to the hand waving as being a double tag. 'Tagging the tag' is a better phrase. But while we're about it - could you tell me how to do that quote thing? I can't figure it out at all.
CA

View original

Hi Charlie

There's a 'Quote' option underneath and to the right of each message. Somewhere around
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------> here and down a bit.

Quote: Charlie Adams @ January 10, 2007, 10:47 AM

Dan
I was refering to the hand waving as being a double tag. 'Tagging the tag' is a better phrase. But while we're about it - could you tell me how to do that quote thing? I can't figure it out at all.
CA

View original

Presumably, the Thud, is the hand falling off and the first Tag (or lily), then waving said hand to emphasise it's detatchment, is the second tag, (or the guilding).

No sorry, I don't get the original sketch

This is all getting out of hand

And I'm scared.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ January 10, 2007, 1:01 PM

This is all getting out of hand

And I'm scared.

View original

Out of hand! Brilliant.

Needs some tightening, and the bloke just says 'ok' and 'yeah ok' which I think you could slot in some funnier comments, maybe sarcasm or disbelief.

Or maybe something could happen in the background while she's on the phone. I'd like to see the guy wagging his finger at her and his hand flies off. But then I'm quite odd.