I have previously posted a sketch on this forum and on the Channel 4 site and there were some comments about making it into a sitcom. I didn't really think it had 'the legs' but have given it a bit more thought and decided to have a crack at a play for the radio. There are probably some formatting issues, particularily with the scene headings, but wondered what people thought. Apologies to those of you who have read the sketch as this forms about 20% of the total here. As usual, I will pretend to receive any criticism with grace.
INT. BATHROOM. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC RAZOR
DAN
Christ what's..... No. Nooo.... Not another grey hair. Jesus. I don't.... God.... Is it thinning?
FX: SOUND OF A DOOR CREAKING OPEN
ANNIE
Don't mind me..
DAN
Can't a man get any privacy?
ANNIE
Not if he expects his laundry done.
DAN
I could have been doing anything.
ANNIE
If you were doing... that.... I'd have known in advance I'd got the night off, so.... Everyone's a winner.
FX: SOUND OF A LAUNDRY BASKET BEING OPENED.
ANNIE
Wow.... That's one hell of a grey hair you've got there buster.
DAN
Already seen it.... Actually as you're here, do you think I'm thinning on top?
ANNIE
Well....
DAN
Honestly?
ANNIE
I can.. safely... say... that... you have pretty much the same amount of hair now, as you did when I met you.
DAN
O. Well.... Thank you.
ANNIE
When you were 23 though, most of it was on your head. Now, almost all of it is growing out of your nose.
DAN
Jesus.
ANNIE
On the bright side, there is a bit round your nipples I noticed the other day. So well done you. Chest hairs at 41.
DAN
Is it time for a new style?
ANNIE
Comb over?
DAN
Get out.
ANNIE
I'm gone. But don't be long. You're not the only person who has to get ready you know.
DAN
It's important I look my best.
ANNIE
Then you should have started hours ago.
DAN
Out.
INT. KITCHEN. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF AN ENVELOPE BEING RIPPED OPEN.
DAN
How do I look?
ANNIE
Pretty hot.
DAN
You didn't even look up.
ANNIE
Sorry. Didn't realise you really wanted to know..... There, I've looked. And you'll do.
DAN
Has the post been?
ANNIE
Not yet. I found this in Josh's school bag along with yesterdays sandwiches and three empty crisp packets.
DAN
Well, at least we know he's not littering the playground.
ANNIE
Some small compensation when he's obviously stealing crisps.
DAN
Is that what it says in the letter?
ANNIE
What? O, no. That was just an observation. The letter is about a school holiday.
DAN
The one to Spain? Surely they don't want more money already?
ANNIE
This is... Another one. Skiing in the Alps.
DAN
But he's nine? I've never been skiing and I'm older than...
ANNIE
Older than?
DAN
The point is.... Why does he need to go skiing at nine?
ANNIE
Some of his classmates go every Christmas.
DAN
Is it a school or a holiday camp?
ANNIE
When he won the scholarship, we knew it could get difficult to keep up with the extra curricular activities. Josh understands that too.
DAN
Extra curricular.... Skiing?... Do I even need to know how much?
ANNIE
I'll explain to him we can't afford to send him skiing as he's already going to Spain. He'll understand.
DAN
And he hates the cold. Probably doesn't even want to go. That's why he didn't bother giving us the letter.
ANNIE
Yes. I'm sure that's it.
A PAUSE.
DAN
Look, are you sure you won't come with me?
ANNIE
I can't. You know I would if I could, but I'm due in court.
DAN
O. And we couldn't possibly have a poor little guilty teenager being locked up for a crime he did commit but is now pretending to be repentant about.
ANNIE
Would you want that on your conscience?
DAN
Hang the bloody lot of them.
ANNIE
Looking forward to today are we?
DAN
I hate these things. Are you sure you......
ANNIE
Go, or you'll be late.
DAN
I can't guarantee I'll be able to resist temptation if a gorgeous young groupie throws herself at me. It wouldn't happen if you were there to protect me.
ANNIE
It's not going to happen regardless of my being there or not. Authors, do not have groupies.
DAN
Some of them do.
ANNIE
Not the over weight middle aged ones with thinning hair and nostril brushes. The last thing you need is a chaperone.
DAN
So that's a definite no is it?
ANNIE
You're going to be late.
JOSH ENTERS.
JOSH
Hi dad.
DAN
Hi mate. You alright this morning?
JOSH
Uh hu.
DAN
Good show.... Right, I'm off.
JOSH
Bye dad. Good luck.
ANNIE
Bye darling.
DAN
Bye.
FX: SOUND OF THE BACK DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
JOSH
Mum, Katie was crying.
ANNIE
Could you go to her darling and I'll be up in a sec?
JOSH
Kay.
FX: SOUND OF THE BACK DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
DAN
I don't bloody believe it. Today of all days. The bloody car won't start. Can I take yours?
ANNIE
And how will I get Josh to school and Annie to nursery and me to work? I can drop you at the station on the way past. Well, I say at the station. How about near the station?
DAN
I'll have missed the train by then. I'll call a taxi.
INT. TAXI. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF A DIESEL ENGINE ON TICKOVER.
CABBIE
Here we go. Grosvenor Hotel. That's seventeen eighty please squire.
DAN
From the station?
CABBIE
Fraid so mate. D'ya not get up to town much?
DAN
Not if I can help it. Here's twenty. Keep the change.
CABBIE
If you're sure sir.
FX: SOUND OF A TAXI DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING AND THE CAB PULLING AWAY.
EXT. STREET. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF GENERAL HUSTLE AND BUSTLE.
DAN
Very smart. Glad I'm not paying for....
FX: SOUND OF A CAR HORN.
DAN
Sorry... Pardon me for crossing the street. Who the hell drives a Limmo anyway?
INT. GROSVENOR HOTEL. - DAY
DAN
Hello...
DOORMAN
Do you have an invitation sir?
DAN
An invitation? Do you not know who I am?
DOORMAN
You wouldn't believe how many times a day I hear that one sir.
DAN
Sorry. I suppose I wouldn't.
A PAUSE.
DOORMAN
So, do you have an invitation sir?
FX: SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING AND GENERAL NOISE BEYOND.
AGENT
Dan.... Running late?
DAN
Car trouble.
AGENT
You really ought to get yourself a new one.
DAN
I'm working on it.
AGENT
Come on in. Let's get you a drink.
DOORMAN
The gentleman doesn't seem to have an invitation sir.
AGENT
It's alright. He's the guest of honour. That's his picture right there.
DOORMAN
Sorry sir. I didn't....
DAN
It's fine. Happens all the time.
AGENT
Come on.
CLEO
Hiya. D'ya need me invitation? I'm....
DOORMAN
Miss Cleo. I know. Recognise you from the TV. I've seen your name on the guest list. You run on in there and make sure you have one for me.
INT. FUNCTION ROOM. - DAY
FX: GENERAL BACKGROUND NOISE AT A BOOK LAUNCH: CHATTING, LAUGHTER, GLASSES BEING FILLED ETC.
AGENT
Thought you weren't going to turn up.
DAN
You know I hate these things.
AGENT
Necessary evil I'm afraid. Ah, look, over here. There're some people who are dying to meet you.
DAN
Where?
AGENT
There.
DAN
Who are they?
AGENT
Some people.
DAN
Specifically who are they?
A PAUSE.
DAN
No body wants to meet me do they?
AGENT
Not as such. But they'll be very glad when they have.
A PAUSE.
AGENT
Drink?
DAN
Obviously. And make it a large and expensive one. May as well make the most of the taxi fare.
AGENT
One large and expensive drink coming up, courtesy of your publisher. Back in a bit. And do try and mingle, this is your moment.
DAN
So now I'm Martine McCutcheon.
AGENT
Right.
A PAUSE.
FX: SOUND OF THE CLATTER OF STILETTO HEELS.
CLEO
Mind if I talk to you while my mate's in the loo?
DAN
Well.....
CLEO
I've never been to a book lunch before?
DAN
Book launch.
CLEO
Are you famous?
DAN
Apparently not.
CLEO
What do you do?
DAN
I'm an author.... Actually, it's... my book we're launching.
CLEO
Ooo, get you. Wos it called again?
DAN
Man Boobs, Mistresses and Masturbation: The Anatomy Of A Mid Life Crisis.
CLEO
Not very catchy.... What's it about?
DAN
It's an amusing but highly personal account.... of a mid life crisis.
CLEO
O.... Don't think I've read it.
DAN
I'd be.... surprised.
CLEO
Cheeky.... I can read you know....
DAN
Sorry, no.... It's just that it only came out today.... Hence... the Launch.
CLEO
I'm thinking about writing a book.
DAN
Really?
CLEO
A biography.
DAN
O... Whose?
CLEO
Mine, silly.
DAN
Right. Sorry.
CLEO
It's OK. You don't recognise me do you?.....
DAN
Sorry.... Bit of a recluse.... Forgive me but.... you don't seem old enough......
CLEO
But I'm a celebrity.... I'm Cleo.... Cleo from Big Brother.... Recognise me now?
DAN
Sorry. I.... don't watch..
CLEO
You don't watch Big Brother?
DAN
No.
CLEO
Everybody watches Big Brother though.
DAN
Apparently not everybody.
CLEO
'I'm a Celebrity...'?
DAN
So you said.
CLEO
No. 'I'm A Celebrity.. Get Me Out Of Here.'
DAN
Don't feel obliged to hang around. God knows I won't.
CLEO
No silly. The TV Programme.
A PAUSE.
CLEO
Maybe you've seen my picture in the papers?
DAN
Don't think so. Which ones?
CLEO
The topless ones.
DAN
Which.... papers.
CLEO
I've got a web site now and everything. My Agent says....
DAN
You've got an agent?
CLEO
Godda have an agent, silly.... He says I could move up from being 'D' list to 'C' list by the end of the year.... I just need to milk the publicity.... Jade Goody's my absolute hero.
DAN
Heroine?
CLEO
You're not very discreet are you.... I'm strictly alcohol and fags at the moment..... I'm only nineteen.
DAN
I meant...
A PAUSE.
CLEO
(distracted and excited)
Did ya see..... Was that Elvis?... My mum'll never believe it.... Was 'im wasn't it?
DAN
I'm not sure he was on the guest list.
CLEO
I've got to go and meet him. I'll see ya.... Good luck with the book.
FX: SOUND OF STILETTO HEELS DISAPPEARING.
AGENT
That was Cleo wasn't it? I didn't know you knew her?
DAN
I don't....
AGENT
She's just been offered six figures to write her life story....
DAN
Six figures?.... But I don't get anywhere near that.... And I'm a best-selling author.
AGENT
I know. I have to live on 15% of what you get.
DAN
Surly I've got more talent... in my.... left.....
AGENT
Testicle?
DAN
I don't know.
AGENT
It's not about talent. If she had talent, she'd be 'Cleo from The X Factor'....
DAN
You're saying that in order to be successful, I need to get my tits out on national television?
AGENT
Christ no.... If you got your tits out on national television, it's only goin' to freak people out....
DAN
But I've had a book at the top of the best seller list.... Even without the support of Richard and Judy.
AGENT
Dan.... No offence.... But she's..... a celebrity.
DAN
But what does that make me?
AGENT
An overweight, middle-aged author with a couple of best selling novels.... O, and... crap tits.
DAN
You're my agent. Can't you do something about it?
AGENT
You mean some sort of re-branding with.... less emphasis on integrity and... more on hard cash?
DAN
Any thoughts?
AGENT
Can you sing?
DAN
Uh hu.
AGENT
Could you pretend to have tourettes?
DAN
(bleeped) F**k off.
AGENT
That's the idea.
DAN
Very funny.
A PAUSE.
DAN
When can we get out of here?
AGENT
Don't think we can be the first, in all honesty.
DAN
I saw some girl go out about five minutes ago. She's not come back. Probably gone.
AGENT
Which girl?
DAN
You know I don't know who any of these people are. She was thin. And pretty.
AGENT
A model?
DAN
Yep.
AGENT
Then she's probably gone to chuck up in the toilets before she goes another couple of rounds with the buffet table. There's free food and drink Dan. No one's gonna leave till it's all gone.
DAN
Jesus.
AGENT
It's not my fault you can't eat any of it.
DAN
Well no, it is your fault actually. Did you tell them I had a wheat intolerance?
AGENT
O, it was wheat?
DAN
What did you think I'd said?
AGENT
Really? Ahh... Just forgot.
DAN
See? Sometimes I wonder what I pay you for.
AGENT
You really are a grumpy old sod aren't you?
DAN
Do you know, I believe I am. Sorry.
INT. RESTAURANT. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF GENERAL RESTAURANT HUBBUB.
AGENT
Better?
DAN
Much. I was bloody starving. And the wine was beginning to get to me.
AGENT
Is that why you asked Cleo if she'd sleep with you?
DAN
I did nothing of the sort.
AGENT
But you wanted to, right?
DAN
For goodness sake. I never want to hear her name mentioned again.
AGENT
What's she ever done to you?
DAN
Not her. But she's just a representative of that whole make a nobody a celebrity culture.
AGENT
Jealous of her success?
DAN
She doesn't have any success. She has the trappings but without the years of dedication and hard work. She arrives in a limmo, at my book launch, when I have to take a taxi because my car won't start.....
AGENT
What about your latest advance?
DAN
I need that to survive on while I write the damn book. Maybe I'm in the wrong business.
AGENT
Well I have been thinking about pitching a show called.... 'I'm a minor celebrity, can I hang around for a bit longer?'. Interested?
A PAUSE.
AGENT
I think the waiter saw that. Yes. Yep. Definitely. He's coming over. He's, yep, we're going to be thrown out.
DAN
You're not funny.
AGENT
You really are no fun to be with, you do know that don't you? I don't know why Annie puts up with you.
DAN
Sorry. I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.
AGENT
Money?
DAN
Indirectly. Josh has a school holiday that we can't afford to send him on. I feel pretty bad about it. Wonder if maybe I shouldn't have quit my job to concentrate on the writing.
AGENT
You'd have been really miserable if you were still stuck in that office.
DAN
I am really miserable.
AGENT
No you're not. You only think you are.
DAN
What's the difference?
AGENT
Why are you even listening to me. I'm your agent, not a psychologist.
DAN
Right.
AGENT
Look, I wasn't going to mention this because I know how you feel about reality TV, but I have been approached to make you an offer.
DAN
No.
AGENT
You don't even know what it is yet.
DAN
I don't need to know. I promised myself that, no matter how things turned out, I'd never entertain the idea. I hate all of that culture.
AGENT
So you at least concede it's culture?
DAN
You know what I mean.
AGENT
It's a lot of money.
DAN
No.
AGENT
And I was at your wedding.... I've seen you dance.
DAN
What are you talking about?
AGENT
Celebrity Ceroc.... Far less stuffy than ballroom or American Smooth... Much more cool. The celebrities are paired off with.....
DAN
Could we have the bill please?
WAITER
Certainly sir.
AGENT
You're not even listening.
DAN
No Rupert. You're not listening. I'm not doing it.
AGENT
Sixty thousand pounds.
DAN
What?
AGENT
Sorry. Shouldn't have mentioned...... You're not interested. I get it now. Sorry.
DAN
Did you say sixty thousand pounds?
AGENT
For two months.
DAN
I'm lucky to earn that in a year. That's obscene.
AGENT
So you'll do it?
DAN
How shallow do you think I am?
AGENT
The publicity won't hurt book sales either.
DAN
Tell them I'm offended. And insulted. And I'm not interested.
AGENT
OK.
DAN
And tell them now.
AGENT
Well, I haven't got all the... Details... Here.... With me... First job, as soon as I get back to the office. OK?
DAN
Make sure you do.
INT. KITCHEN. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF THE BACK DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
DAN
Hello?
JOSH RUSHES IN.
JOSH
Daaad..
DAN
Hello buster.
ANNIE
Hi darling. How'd it go?
DAN
The usual boring drudge, as expected.... And bloody Rupert forgot to tell catering I had a food allergy, so we had to go and eat afterwards.
ANNIE
Ah.
A PAUSE.
DAN
I did have to turn down a couple of groupies though.
ANNIE
As expected.
JOSH
Are you famous now daddy?
DAN
No mate. Not really.
JOSH
But you are a writer?
DAN
I am.
JOSH
That is sooo cool. Are the stories like Harry Potter?
DAN
Not exactly.
JOSH
JB bet me three packets of crisps that you didn't write books and yesterday I took one in to show him.
DAN
Right....
ANNIE
Which one darling?
JOSH
Somethin' about.... No. I dunno.... Can't remember. But Miss Worrall took it off me and said you'd have to collect it mummy.
ANNIE
O good. I'll look forward to that then.
DAN
How was your day then Josh?
JOSH
OK.
DAN
Only OK? What happened, anything good?
JOSH
Mummy said we can't afford me to go skiing.
DAN
O...
JOSH
I don't really mind.
ANNIE
Come on buster. You can give me a hand with your sister's bath.
JOSH
But mum, I'm watching Celebrity.......
ANNIE
No butts... Come on Josh, scoot. I'll be up in a minute......
A PAUSE.
DAN
Rupert asked me if I wanted to do one of those celebrity television shows.
ANNIE
I hope you said no?
DAN
So you don't think it's a very good idea?
ANNIE
I know you don't think it's a very good idea.
DAN
It was a lot of money though.
ANNIE
We get by, don't we?
DAN
I was thinking about Joshie's trip. It would be nice...
A PAUSE.
ANNIE
He'll get over it.
A PAUSE.
ANNIE
I'll bring Katie down to say good night.
FX: SOUND OF THE FRIDGE DOOR AND A BEER CAN BEING OPENED.
DAN EXHALES LOUDLY.
INT. LIVING ROOM. - DAY
FX: SOUND OF A TELEVISION IN THE BACKGROUND.
DAN
You'll never guess who I met today?
JOSH
Who?
DAN
Try and guess.
JOSH
Rupert Grint?
DAN
Who?
JOSH
David Beckham?
DAN
England captain.
JOSH
Ages ago.
DAN
O.
JOSH
Monty Panasar....
A PAUSE.
DAN
How about I tell you?
JOSH
Kay.
DAN
Cleo from Big Brother.
JOSH
No way.
DAN
Yes way.
JOSH
Cool.
DAN
Really?
JOSH
Yeah. Why not?
DAN
I just thought..... I don't know.
ANNIE
Here's daddy Katie. Shall we say goodnight.
DAN KISSES KATIE.
DAN
Goodnight darling.
ANNIE
Come on buster, time for your bath.
JOSH
Muummm.
ANNIE
Now.
JOSH
Night dad.
DAN
Good night mate.
JOSH
Maybe you could read me one of your books?
DAN
Not... Just yet. How about The Hobbit?
JOSH
Dad, that is sooo boring. That's like from when you were a kid.
A PAUSE.
DAN
Bath.
INT. KITCHEN. - NIGHT
FX: SOUND OF THE FRIDGE DOOR AND A BEER CAN BEING OPENED.
ANNIE
More beer?
DAN
Jesus. You scared me.
ANNIE
Sorry.
DAN
Want one?
ANNIE
Why not? Long evening ahead.
DAN
What?
ANNIE
We said we'd trawl the internet for a holiday, remember?
DAN
Again?
ANNIE
Yes, again. The idea is, we keep doing it until we find somewhere.
DAN
I suppose....
ANNIE
So, do you want to take the first shift on the web... or you wanna get dinner on the go?
A PAUSE.
DAN
Just an idea... How about we don't book a holiday?
ANNIE
And get an early night?..... You have a one track mind.
DAN
No no.
ANNIE
What's wrong with me? There was a time when you'd have had me up those stairs as quick as....
DAN
There was a time I'd have had you up those stairs.
A PAUSE.
ANNIE
That's the first time I've seen you smile in a long while.
DAN
What if we didn't have a holiday this year, and instead, paid for Josh to go skiing with school?
ANNIE
Nice idea Dan. But I need a holiday. I work too, remember.
DAN
I know. Sorry. Bad idea.
ANNIE
Come on. You go and crank up the PC and try and unwind. And I'll get the dinner on.
DAN
I'm on it.... And don't come in, you may catch me in the midst of an embarassing act whilst perusing American Housewives.
ANNIE
That's the trouble with you perverts. You have to practice regularly, just to keep your hand in.
A PAUSE.
ANNIE
Well, I thought it was funny.
INT. STUDY. - NIGHT
FX: SOUND OF A TELEPHONE BEING DIALLED.
DAN
Hello.... Rupert, it's Dan. Yeah hi....You were? Why didn't.... It's not that late. O well, what did you want?... Me. O.... Look. You know what I said earlier?... Well, I was wondering. Did you get back to that TV company about the celebrity dancing thing. You.... O. Right. No, no. It doesn't matter.... Never.... What did you..... You told them I was offended and insulted.... Yes, I know I told you to.... They said what?.... Eighty thousand? Pounds? Definitely pounds? But why?...... Desperate. I see. It is tempting. And what if I'm out the first week?... Minimum eighty?... But who watches this stuff? No one? Right.... No one will watch it.... Cleo's agreed to it?.. Really? O.... O sod it. Count me in... Yes, really. God knows I could do with the money.... And what the hell, I might even enjoy it..... Unlikely? O.... Right. Well, eighty grand is eighty grand. Yep. Call me tomorrow. Yep. Goodnight.
ANNIE
Hey.
DAN
Will you stop doing that? I could have been doing anything.
ANNIE
So you say. But you never are. I think it's just wishful thinking. I think you may actually be passed it.
DAN
Charming.
ANNIE
I didn't hear the phone....
DAN
I called Rupert.
ANNIE
O.
DAN
I agreed to do the TV thing.
ANNIE
I thought you'd already turned it down?
DAN
I had. But Rupert wanted his fee so wasn't prepared to take no for an answer. And neither were they, as it turned out.
ANNIE
Will there be enough to send Josh skiing?
DAN
Should be. With a bit left over.
ANNIE
Then well done you....
A PAUSE.
ANNIE
You didn't have to you know.
DAN
I know.
ANNIE
What made you change your mind?
DAN
I don't know.... It's just..... It's not only about me any more. There's you.... And Josh... And now Katie too.
ANNIE
And your family are worth sacrificing a bit of integrity for?
DAN
Exactly.... Well..... My family...... And an Aston Martin.
ANNIE
I always knew you were shallow.
DAN
What can I say. I didn't realise how cheap I was until I saw a big pile of cash on the table.... Fancy an early night?
ANNIE
Are you proposing a night of passion with my celebrity husband?
DAN
I may well be.
A PAUSE.
ANNIE
Just one more thing. Who's Cleo?
DAN
O, she's a celebrity too.
)
