This sketch is what newsnight would be like if I ran it.
SCENE 1. INT. INFONIGHT STUDIO-NIGHT
NEWS READER IS SITTING IN THE INFONIGHT STUDIOS ABOUT TO TALK TO EDWARD ARDEN VIA SATELLIETE.
NEWSREADER:
We are now going live to Edward Arden in the West End at the premieres of two controversial musicals which are opening opposite each other. Edward.
EDWARD ARDEN ON THE SATELLIETE LINK UP
EDWARD ARDEN:
Well as you can probably hear from the protestors these two musicals have definitely courted controversy. Gay the Musical and Osama the Musical. Here is a short extract from both.
CLIP OF GAY THE MUSICAL
GAY THE MUSICAL CAST:
Open wide I’m coming inside!
I’m Gay (he’s Gay) I swing the other way
I’m Queer (he’s Queer)I take it up the rear
I’m a raving homosexual man!
CLIP OF OSAMA THE MUSICAL
OSAMA THE MUSICAL CAST:
In the Tora, the Tora Bora Osama sleeps tonight
Al Qaeda eh Al Qeada eh Al Qaeda eh Al Qaeda eh
BACK TO EDWARD ARDEN ON THE SATELLIETE LINK UP
EDWARD ARDEN:
As you can see incendiary stuff. I’m going to try and get a word with some of the protestors. Excuse me sir why do you not like Gay The Musical.
PROTESTOR 1:
Its obscene. Any show which has the lyrics ‘you don’t know how I’ve been longing to be taken up the wrong un’ should be banned.
EDWARD ARDEN:
Sir what do you think.
PROTESTOR 2:
Well for a start they should spell Osama with a U not an O. Secondly they should not be profiting from the War on Terror.
EDWARD ARDEN:
The producers of both shows have issued this statement. ‘we are sorry for any offence caused by the staging of these musicals however we can always comfort ourselves with all the money we are going to make.’ Back to the studio
INFONIGHT STUDIO
NEWS READER:
Thanks Ed. The staging of both these musicals raises a lot of questions about the acceptable prejudices of society. Later we will discus homophobia but for now to discuss Islamaphobia in Britain we have Dr Asif Abas from the United Kingdom Muslim Alliance, Ray Willis the Commissioner for Racial affairs and Terry Watts from the Meat Council of Great Britain. Dr Abas does society accept Islamaphobia
DR ASIF ABAS:
Yes. Society plainly ignores attacks of Muslims and finds it acceptable to mock and even hurt Muslims.
RAY WILLIS:
I agree. Islamaphobia is wide spread in society from employers refusing to hire Muslims to the police actively targeting young male muslims in the streets for searches under the Anti-Terrorist laws.
MR WATTS:
Mr Watts.
TERRY WATTS:
Yes.
NEWS READER:
Islamaphobia.
TERRY WATTS:
I want to clear this up right now as it is a ridiculous myth. Lamb is quite clearly a meat not a phobia.
NEWS READER:
What?
TERRY WATTS:
Lamb is a meat not a phobia. There is no reason why people should be scared of lamb. The only situation where a person could be scared of lamb is if a Welsh man noticed that a baby lamb looked like him.
RAY WILLIS:
That’s racist!
NEWS READER:
I thought you were coming on to discuss the narrow availability of Ha laal meat in the UK.
TERRY WATTS:
But we’re discussing lamb.
NEWS READER:
OK I think we should move on. We are now joined by Bishop Sion McNamara of the Catholic Church, Father John Smugbottom of the Church of England and Australian Brad Braddington a prominent Gay Rights campaigner. Father where does the Church of England stand on Gay Rights
FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Well the Church tries to be as inclusive as possible and welcomes all of God’s children into the family of God.
BISHOP SION MCNAMARA:
Well obviously. Your Church is run by a Queen.
FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Go and worship some false idols.
BISHOP SION MCNAMARA:
Why don’t you put a condom on.
FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
What you gonna do launch a crusade against me?
BISHOP SION MCNAMARA:
Watch it lady, God will forgive me if I decide to hit you.
FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Your God will forgive anything.
NEWS READER:
Please Father stop bashing the Bishop. Brad Braddington.
BRAD BRADDINGTON:
Its typical Christian prejudice and dogma. Take Gay marrage, how can you ask a person to chose between their faith and their partner?
FATHER JOHN SMUGBOTTOM:
Well the last thing the Church of England wants to see is two men in a loving relationship turning their backs on each other.
NEWS READER:
We have to leave it there. Coming up on the programme. Michael Click investigates the UKP’s new policy of only hating coloured foreigners and how a black man was able to infiltrate its leadership.
SHOT OF A UKP PRESS CONFERENCE WITH SLOGAN ‘IF THEY AIN’T DARK THEY CAN PARK.’ FOUR MEN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, ONE IS A BLACK MAN WITH BLOND HAIR.