i've been working on this script, just for fun. first got interested in this sort of thing in video productions class when me and my brother decided to do a spoof of the office called "The Classroom". although the film didn't to overly well with the audiences (the humour was more subtle rather than in your face)my teacher absolutely loved it. i'm now at university and have been writing this script on and off. i've got four scenes of the first episode. it basically details the school life of three guys: Ben, Alex, and Lenny as well as numerous smaller characters i've yet to include. there's no real story here, basically the only purpose of this episode is to get to meet the characters. keep in mind i am by no means a professional. i have no idea how to structure a script, i'm basically just getting my thoughts down on paper. it's still a work in progress. anyways... enjoy!

EDIT:
I've made some major changes. i inserted some new scenes and edited the existing ones to incorporate some story to the script as it was severely lacking. some of you also complained about some of the speaches being to wordy and fluffed up. ive edited down some of those speaches. i also got a few complaints about the whole Batmané Superman arguement. instead of taking it out completely i decided to move it. i really like it and i think it works in its new place. also, ajp, i hope you dont mind but i loved your "Its all quiet on the lady front line" so i put it in. i hope you dont mind. anyways, its still not done but i just wanted to see if im on the right tack. ive been writing non stop the last few days. i need to take a bit of a break. i know how its going to end, just need to work out a few more jokes. anyways, here ya go.

The Best Years of Our Lives
Scene 1
It’s the first day of school. Two guys enter the cafeteria looking hardly enthusiastic.
Alex: Back at school for another year. Why do we do it?
Ben: So we can go to a bigger, more difficult school.
Alex: Then what?
Ben: Well if we’re lucky, we’ll get a high paying job, marry a girl and start a family.
Alex: So basically I’m looking forward to retirement.
Ben: Kind of depressing isn’t it?
Alex: I’ll still be able to enjoy life when I’m sixty, right?
Ben: We can only hope.
Alex: So anything new on the lady front?
Ben: Lady front?
Alex: You know… getting any action?
Ben: It’s all quiet on the lady front.
Alex: Ah, I see. Cupid’s arrow hasn’t struck yet?
Ben: Please, Cupid would need a machine gun before I get lucky.
Alex: Did you here that Lenny has a new lady friend?
Ben: Lenny?
Alex: Ya.
Ben: Our friend Lenny?
Alex: Ya.
Ben: How did he pull that off?
Alex: I don’t know, that’s like asking how Jurassic Park Three made it to theatres. We’ll just never know.
Ben: Who names their kid Lenny anyways? It’s like they looked at him after he was born and asked them selves “How can we ruin his life?”
Alex: No kidding.
Bell Rings
Ben: And so it begins… again.
Alex: It will be over in no time.
Ben: If only that were true.
Scene 2
Ben enters French class
Mrs. James: Back for another year of French huh Ben? You’re a real sucker for punishment aren’t you? After last year’s performance I thought I’d seen the last of you.
Ben: Well as much as I love to bless you with my presence, that’s not why I’ve had return. It would appear that in order to continue my incredibly invigorating school career I require I second language. Since I’ve already invested numerous hours absorbing this delightful dialect, I decided it would be most efficient to re-subscribe to this, my most favoured of courses, where I may enjoy the stories and teachings of you, my most beloved instructor.
Mrs. James: (Gives Ben a glare) Good to have you back Ben.
Ben: (an arrogant smirk on his face) Good to be back Mrs. James.
Ben goes a takes a seat. The girl beside give him a smile.
Mrs. James: Welcome to French 11. I’m sure you’re glad to be back for another year of school. Being how this is a new class I thought it would be a good idea for you to work on your first project in pairs so you can meet someone new. I’ve already paired you guys up. I’ll read them off.
She reads of the list. Then she finally comes to Ben’s name.
Mrs. James: Ben and Lacy.
Lacy (Girl sitting beside Ben): Well I guess I’m stuck with you.
Ben: I think you’ll find I’m not all that bad.
Ben moves his desk over and he and Lacy get to work.
Ben: Damn, I seem to be without a writing utensil. Could you spare a pen?
Lacy: If I give you a pen then any one else who happens to forget their pen will come to me and since most of the pens you lend out fail to make their way back to you it won’t be long before I run right out of pens and will have to buy more. Seeing how I’m not exactly loaded in the way of cash that would be mighty disappointing.
Ben: A valid argument. However, it seems that you have failed to realize that you are somewhat invested in my performance on this assignment and that I may be hard pressed to fulfil my duties in this assignment without the proper tools, wouldn’t you agree?
Lacy: Damn
She hands him a pen and laughs.
Ben (In his head): Huh, I think this girl likes me. Alright Ben, stay cool, you can do this. You’re smart, good looking and charming. Wait, did I put deodorant on today, how’s my breath, am I wearing clean underwear?...
Lacy: Ben, you with me?
Ben: Uh, ya, sorry.
Lacy: C’mon, I need you to focus here.
Ben: Sorry. So what’s this project about anyways?
Lacy: Well, first we need to read this French article, then discuss it in French, then write a report about it in French, then do a presentation on it…
Ben: In French.
Lacy: Right.
Ben: Wanna just talk instead?
Lacy: You read my mind.
Scene 3
Alex and Lenny are in Math class. The phone rings. The teacher has a brief discussion and then hangs up.
Teacher: I’m going to have to leave the class for a short while. Continue to work on your work sheets. I expect them to be done by the end of class.
Teacher leaves.
Alex: Up for a little paper football Lenny?
Lenny: I don’t think so Alex. I’m not letting you sucker me into your silly games this year. I plan to actually do some work. Besides, this work sheet has to be done by the end of class.
Alex: Lenny, this stuff isn’t important. You’ll never have to use this in the real world.
Lenny: But paper football will be an integral part of my day to day life.
Alex: it will help you work on your hand eye coordination.
Lenny: Well… I guess so. But aren’t you getting a little tired of paper football?
Alex: True, maybe we need to take it up a notch.
Lenny: Oh no, the first time you said that it led to fire football (points to the singed drapes on the window) and then it was ruler fencing (rubs his eye). Maybe we should just stick to good old fashioned no one gets hurt paper football.
Alex: Too late Lenny, the creative juices are already flowing.
He surveys the room until he sees a pudgy kid sleeping with his mouth wide open.
Alex: Bingo
Lenny: I have a feeling someone’s going to get hurt again.
Alex: Oh Lenny, you worry too much.
Scene cuts to Alex giving the pudgy kid the Heimlich Manoeuvre. The kid finally spits out an eraser. Lenny gives Alex a disapproving glance.
Alex: What? Who would have thought a couple of rulers and an elastic band could be so accurate?
Scene 4
Ben and Lacy exit French class.
Lacy: Ben, there’s no Batman is better than Superman. Superman can do everything.
Ben: That’s exactly the problem. He’s too good. He’s got every super power in the book yet it still takes him a whole movie to foil the attempts of one ordinary man named Lex Luther.
Lacy: But Batman’s just an ordinary guy, what’s so cool about that?
Ben: It’s because he’s an ordinary guy that makes him so appealing. If I got a flashy costume and cool car I could be Batman. Now that’s pretty cool.
Lacy: (Laughs and pokes Ben’s soft stomach) I don’t know how great a super hero you’d make Ben.
Ben: You’d be surprised how much muscle I have hidden under all this fat.
Lacy: Well, this is my locker, it was nice meeting Ben.
Ben: The pleasure was all mine.
Lacy: Maybe we can actually get some work done tomorrow.
Ben: Not if I can help it.
They laugh.
Lacy: Bye Ben.
Ben: Bye.
Ben continues down the hall. Alex and Lenny come running around the corner.
Alex: Ben, you gotta help us!
Ben: What did you do this time?
Alex: I just made a small slingshot that’s all. I launched a few erasers, no big deal.
Ben: Where’d they end up?
Alex: One might have ended up in some kid’s mouth.
Ben: He could have choked on it!
Alex: He did.
Ben: He could have died!
Alex: But he didn’t.
Lenny: I didn’t have anything to do with it Ben I swear.
Alex: You gave me the eraser.
Lenny: You shot it.
Alex: You bet me ten bucks I wouldn’t make it. I couldn’t back down. I have me pride.
Ben: Okay, well what am I supposed to do about it?
Alex: You always talk your self out of tight situations. I was hoping you could do it for us.
Ben: You act like this is the first time I’ve had to do this.
Alex: Please.
Ben: Alright, you guys lay low for a while. I’ll see what I can do.
Alex and Lenny take off down the hall. Ben keeps going the other way. He turns the corner and runs into the Principal.
Ben: Hello Mr. Wallace. What a pleasure to see you. Boy the summer sure goes by fast, why it just seems like yesterday…
Mr. Wallace: You can quit with the pleasantries Ben. Have you happened to run into your friends Alex and Lenny? It seems they didn’t waste any time getting themselves into trouble. The first day and I’m all ready chasing kids down.
Ben: Well I don’t mean to be rude sir but isn’t that your job?
Mr. Wallace: On paper yes, but the only reason I’m really here is the nice office and hot secretary. And because of kids like Alex I had to get out of my air conditioned office with my form fitting chair and a great view of one of the best racks I’ve ever seen and pace around the school trying to find a couple of misfits.
Ben: Well I don’t how Alex and Lenny could have caused any trouble this morning. It just so happens they both had a dentist appointment this morning. I’m afraid your information must be incorrect.
Mr. Wallace: They both had a dentist appointment?
Ben: Yes.
Mr. Wallace. At the same time?
Ben: Yes.
Mr. Wallace: At the same place?
Ben: They like to use the buddy system.
Mr: Wallace: Well I still want to talk to them. If you see them tell them I’m looking for them.
Ben: Will do. By the way, I’m curious, who told you it was Alex and Lenny?
Mr. Wallace: That TA, Roy.
Ben: Ah, I see… Well, take care, it was a pleasure speaking to you.
Mr. Wallace: Ya, sure.
Ben and Mr. Wallace keep going in separate directions.
Scene 5
Roy is at his locker gathering his books. Ben comes up and leans against the lockers.
Ben: Hello Roy
Roy: Oh, hello Ben. What can I do for you?
Ben: It was brought to my attention that who told Mr. Wallace that Alex and Lenny launched an eraser into some kid’s mouth?
Roy: That’s true, I was informed of it this morning and as a TA it’s my moral obligation to report all wrong doings to my superior officer, that being Mr. Wallace.
Ben: The only reason you’re a TA is because Mr. Wallace needs someone to bring him his coffee, sneak in his porno mags and clean up the puddle of drool he leaves in his office after ogling the secretary all day.
Roy: Mr. Wallace is an upstanding citizen. And he certainly doesn’t look at porn!
Ben: You’re right, I’m sure he reads Busty Babes for the intriguing articles. So anyways, back to Alex and Lenny. It wasn’t them. They were at the dentist this morning.
Roy: No no, my information was very clear. It was Alex and Lenny.
Ben: Roy, I don’t think you understand me. Alex and Lenny were at the dentist (he winks).
Roy: Are you suggesting I lie to Mr. Wallace.
Ben (smiles): Precisely.
Roy: No, absolutely not.
Ben: Oh, I have a feeling you’ll change you’re mind.
Roy (looks at Ben suspiciously): What makes you say that.
Ben: I recently acquired a certain document entitled “Roy’s Journal”. Are you familiar with it?
Roy: How did you get that!
Ben: That’s not important. What is important is that if you don’t lie to Mr. Wallace I may be forced to distribute said document around the school. I have a feeling that you may be slightly embarrassed to have other people reading this. The “Sexy Dreams” section in particular may be amusing to the general public.
Roy: Alright, alright, I’ll tell Mr. Wallace it wasn’t them. But I want that journal back.
Ben: Certainly.
Ben reaches into his back pack and takes out the journal.
Ben: For future reference though, don’t leave you’re backpack out in the open. I’m not the only one out to get you.
Roy: Thanks… I guess. How am I ever going to lie to Mr. Wallace?
Ben (shakes his head): Roy, you just don’t get it do you?
Roy: Get what?
Ben: You could stick you’re head so far up Mr. Wallace’s ass that it comes out his mouth and he’d still throw you under the school bus and tell the driver to step on it if he had the chance.
Roy glares and Ben and walks away.
Scene 6
Ben’s in English class. While the other kids are working Ben’s thinking hard about something. A girl dressed like a hippy is sitting beside him.
Molly: Ben, you’re doing even less work than usual. What’s going on?
Ben: Oh, it’s nothing.
Molly: C’mon Ben, I haven’t seen you thinking this hard since Roy came to school in what he thought was a muscle shirt.
Ben: Ah, the famous tank top incident (remembers fondly). Now that was a productive class. I came up with over ten jokes about that, all of them brilliant.
Molly: You’d think the pink and the frills would have given it away.
Ben: You’d think.
Molly: So really Ben, what’s up?
Ben: Alright, I guess so. Promise not to make a big deal about this?
Molly: Promise.
Ben: It’s a girl.
Molly: Aww… you like a girl!
Ben: Shhh! Keep it down.
Molly: So Ben found himself a girl. I never thought I’d see the day. So what are you going to do?
Ben: I thought I’d just keep my emotions bottled up inside until I slowly become depressed and begin wallow in my own self pity.
Molly: Why would you do that?
Ben: Well it beats the ulterior.
Molly: Which is?
Ben: Telling her.
Molly: Aww.. Ben, there’s nothing to be worried about. Girls are just like beautiful flowers. If you take the time and effort to tend to their needs they will blossom and flourish.
Ben: Like a beautiful flower huh? I’d like you to stick by that metaphor if you were able to my mom in her bath robe before she put on her face yelling at me after my dog coughed up the remnants of my report card.
Molly laughs.
Ben: Anyone who says dogs won’t eat your homework isn’t trying hard enough.
Molly: You know, you wouldn’t have to do stuff like that if you actually tried.
Ben (thinks for a moment): Naaaa.
Molly: Look, about the girl. Just tell her how you feel. Trust me, it won’t be as bad you think.
Ben: That saying gets bantered around way too much. Everything is always as bad you think it is, ussually even worse.
Molly: Just trust me
Ben: I’ll think about it.
Scene 7
It’s lunch time. Ben, Alex and Lenny are sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch.
Ben: So my grandparents are staying with us this weekend. What’s with old people and old things? It’s like when they reach sixty they just say “I think I’m just going to stick with what I’ve got.” Old cloths, old cars, old appliances, everything is from twenty years ago.
Alex: It’s probably why they keep they’re furniture wrapped in plastic. It’s the only way to keep it in mint condition.
Ben: So Lenny, where’s your new girlfriend?
Lenny: Her and her friend went to the store.
Alex: She is real right? Not like you’re summer friend Teddy.
Lenny: You guys never even gave Teddy a chance.
Alex: It would have been a lot easier to give Teddy a chance if I could see Teddy.
Lenny: Well you can meet her after school.
Alex: Sure.
Ben: You know I met a girl in French class. I think she kind of likes me. We really hit it off.
Alex: You might want to get a psychological profile. A girl that likes you, that sounds suspicious.
Ben: Oh, and of course you are the very pinnacle of male attractiveness.
Alex: I’m very desirable. I’m just particular, that’s all.
Ben: So that’s the excuse you’re going with now.
Alex: And I’m sticking to it.
Lenny: So Ben… did you take care of our little problem?
Ben: I bought you some time, but you’ll still have to talk to Mr. Wallace.
Alex (shiver): Just being in his office makes my skin crawl. It’s the kind of place where you don’t want to take your shoes off. Even Lenny can’t stand it in there, and we’ve all seen what’s growing in his room.
Ben: What does he do in there all day anyways?
Alex: Dude, I don’t even want to know.
Ben: Alright well I’ve got to go. Look, just tell him what I told you guys, everything will be fine.
Lenny: You better be right Ben, the last time Alex suckered me into one of his schemes Mother didn’t let me watch Pokemon for a week!
Ben and Alex give him and odd look.
Ben: I didn’t know people our age watched Pokemon anymore.
Alex: I didn’t know anyone watched Pokemon anymore.
Ben: Just stay calm guys, you’ll do fine.
Ben Leaves.
Alex: Okay Lenny, Mr. Wallace is going to push us pretty hard. You gotta promise me you’re not going to crack.
Lenny: Oh I won’t Alex, don’t worry.
Alex: You’re sure.
Lenny: Ya.
Alex: You’re positive.
Lenny: Ya.
Alex: LENNY!
Lenny (scared): Okay, I might crack!
Alex: Lenny, you cracked!
Lenny: Well you yelled!
Alex: Okay, look, I’ll go in first and smooth talk him a bit. You don’t admit to anything. Remember we were at the dentist.
Lenny: We were at the dentist.
Alex: Alright, I think we’ll be okay.
Alex and Lenny get up and begin to walk out of the cafeteria. Before they exit Mr. Wallace walk in.
Alex: Why hello Mr. Wallace, what brings into the cafeteria?
Mr. Wallace: You can stall all you want, but both of you are coming to my office… now.
Alex: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Me and Lenny spent the whole morning at the dentist. Did you know they have TV’s at the dentist now? Huh, never thought I’d see the day.
Mr Wallace looks at Lenny whose all ready squirming.
Lenny: It’s true, we were at the dentist.
Mr. Wallace: We’ll see. I’ve taken the liberty of excusing you two from you’re classes. We’re going to have a good long talk.
Mr. Wallace leads the two out of the cafeteria.
Scene 8
Ben enters PE class. Kids gather around the teacher.
Teacher: Alright class, we’ll start off with a run today…
Ben (while the teacher is talking): What’s with P.E. and running?
Paul: Probably has something to do with the physical part of physical education.
Ben: This body wasn’t made for running.
Paul (laughs): I’ll say.
Ben: Hey, with a face like this and a personality like mine I don’t need a great body. I just need to walk into a room and the girls are all over me.
Paul: Please, the last time you got any action you were a year old having lunch.
The teacher finishes his instructions and the kids take off outside on their run. Ben and Paul continue to talk as they jog.
Ben: Speaking of my lack of action with our female counterparts, I need to talk to you about something.
Paul: Shoot.
Ben: I met a girl this morning.
Paul: That a boy.
Ben: Yes, well what do I do about it?
Paul: You gotta make you’re move man.
Ben: But I don’t have any moves.
Paul: Look, it’s not hard dude. First of all, you need to give her a look like you mean business.
Paul puts a ridicules look on his face.
Ben: What the hell is that?
Paul: That’s my sexy look.
Ben: You sure that’s not the look you use to drive the ugly girls away?
Paul: Trust me, it works.
Ben: I’ll work on it.
Paul: Look, it’s nothing really. Girls are just like cars.
Ben: I thought they were like flowers?
Paul: A flower? No dude, a car. Take good care of it and it will be your best friend. But beware, you miss one oil change they can leave you stranded on the side of the road in the pouring rain with no cloths and forced to walk home so cold your nipples could take someone’s eye out.
Ben: Been on a few bad dates?
Paul: Uh, ya, just a few. But for the most part girls are harmless.
Ben: So I just give her a look like I’m constipated and take her to the Jiffy Lube. That will be an entertaining first date. Thanks for you’re help.
Paul: Any time buddy.
Paul picks up the pace and jogs ahead of Ben.
Scene 9
Lenny and Alex are waiting outside the principal’s office. Lenny is noticeably nervous.
Lenny: Why did I let you talk me into this? I was just minding my own business doing my work and you had to go creating havoc. You know, my mom warned me about you. She said you were a bad influence. Yup, “That boy’s trouble” she said. But no, I didn’t listen to her. She was right you know, this is all you’re fault. Now I have to talk to the principal, THE PRINCIPAL ALEX! I can’t do this, I can’t do this… Are you even listening to me?
Alex is fixated on the secretary.
Lenny: Alex!
Alex: What? Sorry, just checking out the scenery.
The secretary looks up and Alex waves and gives her a wink.
Alex: Look, Lenny, it will be fine. Just stick to the story. And it’s not like this is the first time we’ve been sent here.
Lenny: But it’s the first time we almost killed someone.
Alex (defensive): Hey, that was his fault. He fell asleep in class, that’s pretty irresponsible. If you ask me he was asking for it.
Lenny: You still shouldn’t have done it.
Mr. Wallace comes out of his office.
Mr. Wallace: Alright let’s get started.
He takes a look at the two boys. Lenny is squirming and sweating.
Mr. Wallace: You first Lenny.

Very good I thought ... certainly has development potential. Particularly liked the fact that the 'kids' appear unnaturally very articulate and worldly-wise in their dialogue, whereas the 'adults' (could be) handled as far less so for good comic effect. I can imagine this ending up extremely funny as there's lots of scope for introducing kids displaying different adult/'mature' traits. Be interested to see more of it. Well done!

"The humour was more subtle rather than in your face." was a perfect self-appraisal. This is a very descriptive and fluent piece of writing, a pleasure to read and as already mentioned, 'Best Years' has loads of scope for development. I hope you see this through.

A decent start but it needs a lot of work. You're obviously pretty good when it comes to dialogue, but the above scenes don't seem to go anywhere - you can't rely completely on good dialogue. It drifts along aimlessly with only a couple of mildly amusing moments. You say that there's no real story here and it does feel that you concentrated too much on establishing the characters at the expense of an interesting plot.

Also, the whole Superman/Batman discussion felt very 'done before'.

BTW, if you have no idea how to structure a script, get hold of a copy of Writing Sitcoms by John Byrne and Marcus Powell as this book contains a lot of useful info on plot and dialogue, structure etc. Hope this helps.

To me, it felt overwritten. It's neat to have one articulate person but all of them speaking this way needs to be well managed to give them distinct voices. For example, when dialogue switched from Ben to the other two boys I failed to notice the name tag switch and got confused as they all souned identical. The section below [for example] seemed far too complex.

...
Ben: Damn, I seem to be without a writing utensil. Could you spare a pen?
Lacy: Sorry, no can do. If I give you a pen then any one else who happens to forget their pen will come to me. And I’m sure you know as well as I do that most of the pens you lend out fail to make their way back to you. Therefore, it won’t be long before I run right out of pens and will have to buy more, and seeing how I’m not exactly loaded in the way of cash that would be mighty disappointing.
Ben: A valid argument, I’ll give you that. However, it seems that you have failed to realise that you are somewhat invested in my performance on this assignment. Now, maybe it’s just me, but it would seem that I may be hard pressed to fulfil my duties in this assignment without the proper tools, wouldn’t you agree?
...

You can still make them come across as articulate and cut down on word count by deleting fluff words, removing tautology, or simplifying sentences while keeping the eloquence.

...
Ben: Lend us a writing utensil.
Lacy: Then any one else who forgets will come to me. And as most pens never come back, it won’t be long before I run out. Seeing as I’m not exactly loaded that would be mighty disappointing.
Ben: Valid argument but you fail to realise that you are somewhat invested in my performance on this assignment and I may be hard pressed to fulfil my duties without the proper tools, wouldn’t you agree?
...

The above edit was off the top of my head and i could probably make it more concise with time, but I'd tear out fluff so you can get to the jokes faster.

Quote: SlagA @ January 7, 2007, 9:49 PM

To me, it felt overwritten. It's neat to have one articulate person but all of them speaking this way needs to be well managed to give them distinct voices. For example, when dialogue switched from Ben to the other two boys I failed to notice the name tag switch and got confused as they all souned identical. The section below [for example] seemed far too complex.

View original

its really only Ben whos articulate. in that sequence Lacy is kind of just imitating him. but i know, im finding it hard to give each character their own voice. ill work on that a bit. like i said, still a work in progress. and ill try to not be so wordy. im going to try to finish the script in the next few days and then post the full thing after ive edited it and taken your guys critisism into consideration.

Its very good. It reads like Seinfield but at school especially in parts where you focus on trivial things such as lending a pencil.

I think that you should create some story elements which add peril e.g. a bully, or pedantic teacher who keeps giving out punishment. You should try adding characters which are exaggerations on real life like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld. It may also benefit by making the three main characters more distinct as they all sound the same, cynical and observational. There are not alot of obvious jokes so it would rely alot on direction and casting to make it funny so you may want to add some. e.g...

Alex: We can only hope. So anything new on the lady front?
Ben: Lady front?
Alex: You know… getting any action?
Ben: Its all quiet on the Lady front

Adding jokes depends on your confidence, i have little so i add as many jokes as i can so the odds of making people laugh are increased.

Its very good and I would like to read the full version.

Hi Travis
Forgot to say I did enjoy it by the way and it has great potential but the fluff words and phrases distract a viewer / reader and unless controlled will suggest that you're stalling or filling time when imo you have no reason. You are a good writer.

If Lacy is imitating, I'd indicate it in direction:

Lacy: (IMITATING BEN) Her speech here.

Hi Travis

I like the dialogue and thought the idea worked well. Found it a bit of a slog to read because of the formatting, so I think that needs work.

Agree with everyone above, but I think you have a lot of potential here, as you obviously have an 'ear' for comedy writing. The rapport between the characters is very good.

SlagA is right about the distinctive voices as you could get lost between some of the characters at times and found myself agreeing with everything Thomps has to say: your plot is of paramount importance and you need to establish it very early on. I think the project could be your main plot: make scene 2 the opening scene and then fit in scene 1 as a 'lunchtime/break/recess' (as you're in Canada!) scene later on.

As said before, the Batman/Superman thing is completely superfluous (or batfluous, if you will!). Either drop it or base a whole plot/subplot around the Batman/Superman thing so it's relevant.

Hope this helps

Dan

Thanks for you're input guys. I definitely agree after reading this over it needs some story. The episode was leading to something at the end but i've decided to make it more obvious and incorporate that as the main story. i haven't quite figured out a sub plot yet. i'm going to go back and revise this first part, i'll need to add in a scene or two which is fine because it was looking like it wasn't going to be quite long enough anyways. another concern was character traits. the original idea was that Ben as many of you have noticed is extremely articulate. he's a smooth talker and one of those people who could do extremely well in school if they put in the effort. Alex is the trouble maker. he finds ways to amuse him self with games in class. he's also fairly intelligent but chooses to use his intellect for mischief rather than school. Lenny is their strange friend. Ben and Alex enjoy poking at him and he'll usually get sucked into the mischief they cause. i've encountered two problems so far. Ben and Alex sound almost identical and i'm not sure how exactly i want to write for Lenny (hence the lack of dialogue for him). so if any of you have any ideas how i can differentiate between the characters it would be greatly appreciated. i should hopefully have the full scipt done by the end of the week. thanks again for your help.

updated

I pretty much agree with the other posters. Needs a lot of work but there's some potential there.