I wanted to put this in a new thread so that those who requested it in the first thread but have now forgotten about it will now see it. Hope no one minds me opening a new thread for it.
Still working on improvements but please take a look and leave comments good and bad.
Here is the url, it's a pdf:
http://users.cjb.net/tompk/univercity%20-%20ep1.pdf
Tom
honestly it's really not my kinda comedy, it seems very insular to the target audience. I really don't understand the Bret character some bits just didnt seem to go anywhere, I dunno pal maybe it's just not for me. It just hops around there are so many characters I couldnt get a bearing on anyone or what they were like I'd slow it down a bit. Just my 2 cence
Point taken Gavin, Thanks. More development needed you reckon?
Yeah I reckon that one episdoe should probaly be expanded into two, a bit more development should make it flow a bit smoother mate. Keep going with it
Tom
Only read the opening scene so far, but you've overwritten (I do it myself too -- okay at first, maybe even a good thing to do, but by the time of final draft you need to cut it all out) It's very novel-ly and you need to remember you're writing a sitcom, not a novel.
Here's what you've got:
=========================================================
SCENE 1. EXT. UNIVERSITY BAMSHOO HALLS OF
RESIDENCE – DAY 1 [9.00]
WE JOIN OUR MAIN CHARACTER ALEX, A STUDENT
WITH A SHAGGY BUT QUITE STYLISH APPEARANCE, AS
HE IS WALKING ACROSS A CAR PARK TOWARDS THE
MAIN ENTRANCE OF HIS DESIGNATED HALLS OF
RESIDENCE. IT’S A BRIGHT MORNING AND THE
ENVIRONMENT IS A PLEASANT ONE. THE HALLS
THEMSELVES ARE OF A MODERN, BUT FAIRLY
ANONYMOUS DESIGN. ALEX REACHES THE TWO SETS OF
DOUBLE DOORS AND ATTEMPTS TO OPEN ONE OF THEM.
OF COURSE THE DOOR DOESN’T OPEN FIRST TIME AND
ALEX FINDS HIM SELF TRYING ALL DIFFERENT
COMBINATIONS OF PUSH AND PULL WITH ALL THE
DOORS AVAILABLE, GETTING MORE AND MORE
FRUSTRATED AS EACH TRY FAILS.
AFTER A WHILE ANOTHER STUDENT COMES FROM THE
INSIDE OF THE BUILDING OPENING ONE OF THE
DOORS WITH A PULL FIRST TIME AND WALKING ON.
ALEX CATCHES THE DOOR AND TRIES TO REGAIN SOME
DIGNITY CALLING TO THE STRANGER WHO EMPHASISED
HIS INADEQUACY.
ALEX:
Oh well you see… It’s a push door but they put a
handle on it…That’s why I was confused!
ALEX STARTS TO RAISE HIS VOICE, DESPERATE FOR
THE STRANGER TO HEAR HIS EXCUSE FOR HIS
STUPIDITY
I mean, why would you put a handle on a door which
requires a push?
LOUDER STILL
It seems unnecessary!
CUT TO:
=========================================================
and you only need to really write the following:
=========================================================
SCENE 1.
EXT. UNIVERSITY BAMSHOO HALLS OF
RESIDENCE
ALEX, A STYLISH STUDENT WALKS ACROSS A CAR PARK TOWARDS THE
MAIN ENTRANCE OF HIS MODERN HALLS OF RESIDENCE. HE REACHES SOME
DOUBLE DOORS AND ATTEMPTS TO OPEN THEM. THE DOOR DOESN’T OPEN FIRST TIME SO
HE ATTEMPTS ALL COMBINATIONS OF PUSH AND PULL WITH EACH DOOR.
ANOTHER STUDENT APPROACHES FROM THE INSIDE OF THE BUILDING, PULLS ONE OF THE
DOORS OPEN FIRST TIME AND WALKS ON.
ALEX CATCHES THE DOOR AND TRIES TO REGAIN SOME
DIGNITY.
ALEX:
(SHOUTS) It’s a push door with a
handle on it
(SHOUTS AGAIN LOUDER)
That’s why I was confused!
(SHOUTS LOUDER)
Why would you put a handle on a door which
requires a push?
(LOUDER STILL)
It seems unnecessary!
CUT TO:
=========================================================
If I get chance to read some more I will post feedback but your opening scene is suggesting a rewrite already.
BTW your layout is very good. Easily readable.
Dan
Hi Tom
I've read it and I have to say it was much better than I expected it to be. Kept me entertained throughout and the characters are well-defined and interesting. Well done.
Feedback:
(1) As I've said above, descriptions of things are too long and too storylike. You need to make practically all of them concise. Any descriptions of characters should be restricted to how they look and now how you want them to be; that should come out in the script. In particular, don't use the word 'stereotypical' *ever*. It reminds readers of the word 'cliche', and that's never good! Just describe how the characters look.
(2) I like the running from room to room bits. The history lectures bit was funny (though you could have thrown in a contemporary good/bad couple 'The Beckhams'/'Clintons' or something)
(3) You have an *awful* lot of scenes here. Twenty is a lot so I think some should be cut, though there is an argument that the running from room to room should be set as one single scene really. Though you do have less than 5,000 words so it's probably a little short in terms of length. I think you need to read through with someone, out loud for timings. I think you want to aim for about 6,000-7,000 words and ten/eleven scenes in a half-hour episode.
(4) Avoid 'Oh', 'Well' and 'And' at the beginning of sentences. Most of the time you don't need them.
(5) The scenes with Ren, although funny, don't tell a story so either need to be cut out or expanded as a sub-plot. Those scenes seem quite generic so could be lifted and put into a separate episode focusing more on him. Either way, he needs a point and resolution to his story. Which leads nicely to...
(6) ... Plot. There isn't one as such. And that is because it's the first, character-building episode and this may be where you've fallen foul of the writers' room script reader. They want to read a mid-series episode and I can see why: I can't tell what a standalone, typical episode would be like just from this pilot and that's really what they need as there will only be one pilot and probably four/five episodes that will be structured the same way if your series is commissioned. Bear in mind that you've got good characters so a main plot and a substantial sub-plot shouldn't be that much trouble (especially if you focus on some of your other characters and their conflicts) I guess write a mid-series episode and try sending that one off. This pilot can be worked on more and tightened up if you get commissioned.
The presentation, by the way, is excellent and made it very easy to read personally. I think that if it's for TV (which I suspect it is) there is a ScriptSmart format on the BBC Writers' Room that might be slightly more appropriate as I think you need all the text down the right-hand half so that camera directions can go down the left-hand half, but certainly for feedback here it made reading it very straight-forward and not something you always get from people who request comments.
Hope this all helps
Dan
Agree with all the above, also I got to the point where I thought, 'Is this like a toned-down 'Young Ones'?' Maybe the gags could be a bit less strung out and closer together, or more of them. Beckerman (name too like Becker, I reckon) is a good comic character, maybe Alex is a bit passive as he seems to have nothing to do and no pressure to do it. Also thought of Lawrence Llewhatisname at first for Alex, dunno why. Is that an angle?
Adverbs? Pah!
Prety much agree with swertyd. Liked it more than I thought I would from the synopsis. Particularly liked some of Ren's lines.
Agree about the presentation too, it was a nice easy read.
I pretty much agree with Steve, Justin and SweryTd.
It is well written and presented (scriptsmart?)and has some very good scenes too. I liked Bret but thought that Alex was being buffeted about a bit with no real purpose to his actions.
Ren's scenes were nice too but didn't add much to the overall story development.
I felt also that no real story developed in this episode as such but understand that you were establishing characters etc.
I think there is good potential here and that you should have a tough editing session and maybe add in more scenes to drive the action forward more.
The only parallel to the ‘sit’ (a look at university / college) setting that I can think of from a sitcom point of view is the ‘Doctor’ stuff by Richard Gordon (set at first in medical college)
Old and probably a bit creaky now but effective and very good in its day. I only remember it hazily but if you could dig up the scripts from somewhere and look at the pacing rather than the content it might well assist.
Hope this helps.
Cheers B
An enjoyable read.
Like many of the sitcom scripts in 'Critique', this seems to me to have too many male characters. Universities are by no means male preserves.
I would make Ren a girl. You can make the male/female room share a bureaucratic cock-up, but I would leave it uncommented upon.
Beckerman reminded me of Rik Mayall's cameos in Blackadder. Probably high praise, but personally I only like Rik when his character is called Richard.