Wondered what everyone thought of this?

Dan

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VICES
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INT: DAY. A PUB.

A GROUP OF ROWDY INDIVIDUALS SIT IN THE PUB DRINKING COPIOUSLY AND SMOKING EXCESSIVELY.
SUDDENLY ONE OF THEM, TIM, GETS UP AND STARTS TO PUT ON HIS JACKET

TIM
Right, I'm going to take a quick lunchbreak and get into the office. Maybe do some work.

BETH
Fair enough. Can't do eight hours solid in the pub! You've been staring at Sky Sports News all morning
(WAGS FINGER)
Health and Safety!

LUCY
True! My head was *banging* earlier. Had to take my beer goggles off and give my eyes a rub.

BETH
Shouldn't have your fingers on that beer glass all the time either - sliding it aimlessly around your beermat. Stretch your fingers out every so often or they'll cramp up and you'll have to crack your knuckles.

THEY ALL FLINCH

TIM
I know. Anyone want to join me? I hate working alone.

LUCY
Can't - got in late this morning and have to drink through my workhour to make up.

TIM
Oh - I had to do that yesterday. It really got to me when I got home. I had *such* a headache. I could barely see.
(HE LOOKS TO BETH)
Beth? You've been taking it pretty easy I notice -- on the "World Wine Web" all morning. You've been a lot less productive since they let us all use it.

BETH (SMILES)
I can't either, I'm afraid. Pool game at one. Lasted over an hour and a half last time.

THEY ALL FLINCH AGAIN AT THIS HORRENDOUS PROSPECT

LUCY
You must have been *so* bored.

BETH
It was *really* dull. With Joseph from Upstairs.

THEY ALL SUCK AIR IN DISBELIEF

BETH
On and on and on. Thought he'd never stop.

TIM
Rather you than me mate. Can't think of anything worse while I'm supposed to be working. Right, I'm off then.

BETH
Oh, Ben was going for his workbreak. He's not here though. Maybe he's gone already.

LUCY
No! He's outside on a short non-smoking break. Need five minutes outside now and again -- can't chain-smoke your way through the *entire* day.

TIM
He's had a lot of those lately - Think he's shirking?

LUCY
Nah, just unstressed. No real reason for nicotine to be constantly pumped through his veins. I'm worried. No-one should refrain from smoking *that* much -- it's abnormal.

BETH (SYMPATHIZES)
He's going to have to take it up again. Frank over there hasn't not-been-smoking for over a month now. Even while he was *asleep*.

THEY ALL SHAKE HEADS IN DISBELIEF

BETH (SHOUTS)
Frank! When's the last time you didn't have a cigarette?

FRANK (OFF-SCREEN) (SHOUTS BACK, THROUGH A VIOLENT COUGHING CLOUD OF SMOKE)
22nd of last month. All the better for it!

A HACKING COUGH CUTS HIM SHORT AND CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND

TIM (SHAKING HEAD)
I don't know how he does it...

LUCY
Sheer willpower. Couldn't do it myself. Not without one of those fresh air patches.

TIM
Tried it once. Made me sick. Had this mad craving for oxygen two days in.
(EYES DOWN DEFEATED, SHAKING HEAD)
I've no resolve. Right, better go or I'll end up drinking later on. Hate it when everyone else is enjoying themselves and you're stuck in the pub with a big pile of drink to deal with. See ya!

TIM TURNS TO WALK OUT, MEANDERS TOWARDS THE EXIT WILDLY, BOUNCING OFF EACH OF THE TABLES ON THE WAY THERE, AND LITERALLY FALLS THROUGH IT, LYING HALF-IN/HALF-OUT OF THE DOOR. HE BEGINS TO SNORE.

BETH (SHAKES HEAD)
Some people are obsessed by their ambitions. When *will* they learn that this place is just a means to an end.

ENDS

I think the problem with this is that it's only one joke, which seems to go on through sketch. The joke being that work has role reserved with break (free time etc). As the sketch is quite long, this gets very tiresome quickly.

This was nice take but, unfortunately, it went on a bit without building up to anything in particular. The Sketch Show did something along the role reversal lines involving bar staff and punters. The difference between yours and theirs was that the joke moved at conveyer belt speed with a wonderful payoff at the end. ‘Vices’ isn’t a bad script but it really needs tightening.

I liked the idea but agree that it seems to be a bit long for essentially the same joke. I find having the idea in the first place is the hardest thing though, so with a bit of polishing....

Hey swerytd, you commented on my thread about how I needed to make it quick and to the point without uneccesary dialogue. However, I don't think that you're using your own criticism for your scripts.
Quick question. Are you working on a sketch show or are you just making random scripts. I ask this because I read your script about a tour guide as well. Just curious, cheers.

Hi Callemcio

Last thing first

Quote: Callemcio @ December 21, 2006, 2:00 PM

Quick question. Are you working on a sketch show or are you just making random scripts. I ask this because I read your script about a tour guide as well. Just curious, cheers.

View original

Not working on a sketch show. Well, there's one at the back of my mind, but it's a recurring characters thing, not standalone sketches. I'm writing a six-episode sitcom for radio/podcast at the moment, so any sketches are as a result of homework for an evening class or just inspiration that needed to be written down quickly in any time I have spare (ie not much!)

I wrote these two sketches last year during a comedy writing course (evening based). They were for a showcase using actors from the drama class in the same college. Basically it was a half-hour sketch show based (very) loosely on the subject of 'work'. I did the same course this last term and wrote a few more. Which leads nicely to...

Quote: Callemcio @ December 21, 2006, 2:00 PM

Hey swerytd, you commented on my thread about how I needed to make it quick and to the point without uneccesary dialogue. However, I don't think that you're using your own criticism for your scripts.

View original

Throughout my course, I keep writing too much and was constantly being criticised for it by the tutor. I know myself that I write too much, don't worry -- I was just passing on what I'd learnt really. Just wondered what people thought of this script (as written a year ago) to see if they had the same thoughts as my tutor. He liked the idea behind it (classic reversal) but thought it needed to be about a third of the length. It bombed at the showcase, mostly cos it wasn't rehearsed as there wasn't enough time, but it wouldn't have got them laughing in the aisles!

I think it could be done a lot better, but the idea's not good enough to work on any further (in my view) as I don't have the time.

Don't get me wrong on the not-practicing-what-I-preach mentality: I'm not saying it just to spite your work, I'm saying it cos I've been there, done that and still do it. And for all I do, I know it's right

Dan

I don't want to be odd one out here... but I liked this. No big laughs, but a general warm feeling. A funny idea that stayed funny, if you know what I mean. Yes, it could lose a few words and lines along the way, but it wouldn't be out of place on Mitchell and Webb (whether that's complimentary or otherwise is up to you).

Thanks Badge.

It did have that sort of slow build-up vibe to it, ie Man/Woman or, as you say, Mitchell & Webb, rather than the out-and-out funny joke-telling.

Cheers

Dan

I like your writing style. I felt i was there. Thats a good thing. Ever thought about writing a good comedy book?

Hi Charley

Halfway through book I gave up and started writing comedy. It got better as my writing improved but the whole thing needs finishing and rewriting and I'd much rather write the sitcoms.

Thanks

Dan

Yes, I often like things that don't have a definite 'pay-off' and meander, I think they're enjoyable in a slightly different (but still funny) way. I'm desperately trying to think of something now to back-up my claim. I guess a lot of 'Big Train' was like that. The World Staring Championship or whatever was really only one gag and that was great with minor changes here and there. The Showjumpers was another.

I liked Vices, but a word to the wise: I've heard that companies won't take sketch shows written by one person unless they're an established person. They might take individual sketches here and there though.

Quote: Scott T @ January 2, 2007, 12:33 PM

I liked Vices, but a word to the wise: I've heard that companies won't take sketch shows written by one person unless they're an established person. They might take individual sketches here and there though.

View original

Hi Scott

Yeah, I've heard the same unfortunately. But I'm doing sitcom all the way as it spurs me on more than sketches. I write a few sketches now and again but even a lot of those are mini-sitcom in nature!

Dan

I liked it Meander along pretty much like a regular day in the office did, quite liked jokes weren't being fired at me left right and centre. Good work