British Comedy Guide

Wake Geri When It Chunders 29.9 - 6.10.21

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 29th September 2021, 9:03am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,292 posts

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shingling. PM myself with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 4
Crindy - 1

Next natterjerk: Spies (chosen by Otterfox)
Leg closed: 6.10.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 4 Gappy
2 1 Crindy

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Thursday 30th September 2021, 12:58pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,577 posts

Funeral in Barnsley.

10 Downing Street
Harry Palmer smoking a Gauloise and wearing his white mac is sat next to James Bond who is in a powder blue Safari Suit smoking a cheroot. They are both very deep in a very private discussion with Boris Johnson.

HARRY
So go on then Boris old boy, spit it out who do we have to bump off?

Boris is shocked at the bluntness and James raises his eyebrow.

BORIS
We,we,we we're all of us are not saying that or dare I say suggesting it at all, it's just that .

James can see Boris is struggling so puts his cheroot in the ash tray as he speaks.

JAMES
May I Prime Minister?

Boris nods.

JAMES
What we do Mr Palmer we do for the Queen and the country. As such we deem it more shall we say 'Prudent' to always refer to it as 'Being of Service' That being the case 'How can we be of service' Prime Minister?

BORIS
Yes quite, quite. Ok chaps on the hush hush front its A4 envelopes time.

Boris gives them both envelopes which they open and see an A4 photo of a man in a butcher's apron and straw boater with ruddy red cheeks and mutton chop whiskers.

HARRY
Well you've got me stumped Boris old boy and I cracked the Ipcress File! Who the bloody hell is he?

JAMES
Is this a head shot off his agent? Is 'Our man' in theater?

BORIS
No he's in Barnsley and that's him... day to day as it were.

HARRY
Barnsley? What's he doing in bleedin Barnsley?

JAMES
Excuse my ignorance gentleman but which side of equator are we referring to ...

HARRY
Its not a f**king tropical island , It's a shithole in Yorkshire

JAMES
Yorkshire, I mean I heard of it of course. But...

BORIS
Don't worry about it James that's why Harry's here, he's more 'Street Wise' He went to a comprehensive school

HARRY
Let me tell you mate , Prime Minister or not, I'm as good if not better than you Eton twerps,so hold off on the insults.

BORIS
Sorry

HARRY
Never mind sorry that little insult will cost you a five hundred pound interest free loan, in readies!

BORIS
What, yes yes of course, can we erm get back onto the 'Service

JAMES takes out and fans five poker plaques chips with Monte Carlo and £1000 written on them as he speaks to Harry.

JAMES
If you're between sorts old chap here's five thou in chips that could tide you over. They're good for cash in any good London casino just mention my name .

Harry takes them eagerly as Boris Continues.

BORIS
Obviously, I can't tell you the whys of it and the where's has to be Barnsley I'm afraid as he won't budge out of it. Full stop. As for the when I can tell you gentleman that it would have been better if it had been done yesterday if you catch my drift?

HARRY
I'm not killing anyone in Barnsley, have you been there?

BORIS
I er went through it I think on the old Battle Bus, in fact I think I may have used the toilets in a Weatherspoon's?

HARRY
That hardly qualifies you to be a town guide now does it? Well I have! I was seeing a bird once from Leeds and she asked me to bomb her over there in my Mini to drop off a bleedin coat for her sister. They've still got cobbled streets , it never stops bleedin raining and only hotel they have has only got three stars and two of them are looking iffy .

JAMES
Its no good PM you'll have to trick him out of that ghastly place, I'm not dressed for 'Barnsley' and I pray I never am. You'll have to lure him to the Alps, tell him he's won a surprise holiday.

HARRY
The Alps?

JAMES
Yes it's the height of the season I could pick 'Our Man' out at the airport invite him out onto the slopes for a quick downhill dash to the Schloss for aperitifs. Then simply stir him into a particularly nasty jagged rock and the jobs done and not a drop of blood on my new quilted body suit that I was planning to run out next week anyway.

HARRY
You don't need to go to all that trouble. I could get the bird I know in Leeds to lure him to Berlin for a saucy weekend. There's a Drag Queens Club we both love with a very very dark alley at the side of it. I can put two in the back of his head during the interval and be back in my seat before they do the melody from 'Cabaret '

BORIS
No it has to be done in Barnsley I can't say why, let's just say it's a 'Message to the old Red Wallers' and leave it at that.

HARRY
Well I'm not doing it, you stick out there if you've still got all your teeth

JAMES
And I'm afraid it's a No 07 from me Prime Minister, I draw the line at London, possibly Jersey seeing it has a jetty full of fast boats. But I don't fancy escaping by barge up a canal.

Boris is subdued but understands

BORIS
Very well gents, I respect both your arguments and in fairness we do have a 'Sub on the bench' as it were. So if I could crave that neither of you discuss this with anyone...

JAMES
No problem Prime Minister, maters the word

HARRY
No problems my end staying schtum as long as these chips cash ok and I get my five hundred in readies.

The two men leave as they do so a side door opens and Callan walks in and is more than blunt.

CALLAN
I've read the file and I don't know why you want this poor bastard murdered and I don't want to know either. The whole lack of morality sickens me!

BORIS
Yes, yes, we've been through all that. What I need to know is will you do it? And can it be done?

CALLAN
I've told you I read the file, I'll do it this Friday, he owns a half share in a Pork Scratching factory. He's a real 'Hands on' merchant. He goes there on his own every Friday afternoon to drop the lard traps on his fryers, he won't have anyone else do it. I'll hide in there and then smash the back of his head in with a cobble make it look local.

BORIS
Excellent now I can go back to my holiday

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gappy

  • Saturday 2nd October 2021, 12:31pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,273 posts

[SUPER-POSH 30s BBC ACCENTS - LISTEN TO A PAUL TEMPLE RADIO SHOW TO GET THE IDEA]

STEVE: Busy day, darling?

PAUL: Well, Steve, Idon't mind telling you I'm a bundling ball of tingling nerves what with this Banborough case cavorting around my cerebellum.

STEVE: How about a little dry martini?

PAUL: By Timothy, that's a plan! [BEAT] Oh, dash it, I forgot, Sir Graham said he was coming to see me at six, and you know how punctual he is.

STEVE: Rather. Let's count down:

PAUL/ STEVE: Three, two, one...

GRAY: [PAUSE] Temple! There you are! Sorry I'm 3 seconds late. Look, what do you make of this Banborough affair, we're all stumped up at Scotland Yard.

PAUL: Hmm, well, as I was just telling Steve here, I've been tinkling the cerebrals all day on that one, Sir Graham, but sadly not a dickie bird.

STEVE: Oh darling, you simply must try to help, you know you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't.

PAUL: You know me too well, Steve. I say, Inspector, it may help if you tell me all the facts. Absolutely everything, regardless of whether you think I know them or not.

GRAY: Do you really think that will help, Temple?

PAUL: Just humour me, Inspector. Pretend I know nothing at all.

GRAY: Very well. On Wednesday morning I received a telephone call. The call was from -

STEVE: Just one moment inspector, you heard Paul's instructions - he wanted *absolutely* everything.

GRAY: Ah, of course!

PAUL: Well, I mean within reason, you understand.

GRAY: [CUTTING ACROSS HIM] The telephone is a long-distance communication device. It was invented by Alexander Graham Bell. [PAUSE] A bell is a single tone instrument in which a clapper strikes a hollow metal shell.

PAUL: Err, right. From whom did the call originate?

GRAY: Mr Fred Leonard, a Golders Green costermonger. [BEAT] A costermonger, or grocer, makes their living from sundry goods retail. Golders Green is a suburb of London. London is the capital of this country, recorded as a major settlement since Roman times. The Times is a newspaper, and also another term for multiplication.

PAUL: No, no, no!

GRAY: Noh is an ancient dramatic discipline from Japan. Japan is small nation once owned by China. A Chinaman is a delivery in cricket. The greatest cricketer in history was WG Grace. Grace is the surname of one of the characters in Are You being Served, a comedy show that will be made in the future.

PAUL: Stop!

GRAY: Stop is pots backwards. Pots is an anagram of post. Post is an album by Bjork that will be made even further in the future.

PAUL: Shut up!

GRAY: Shut up is a synonym for either "lock away" or "be quiet". I suspect you meant the latter, and were using it in the imperative case. A case is what policemen like me have to solve, such as the Banborough killing. The Banborough killing will be the defining case of my career when I reveal that it was clearly done by the family nanny, because her umbrella left indentations in the snow, and she is likely a spy because the unusual tread of her boots identifies that they were manufactured in Russia. Boots is a chain of chemists who will sell cosmetics branded by Kylie Jenner, a celebrity who won't even be born until two years after that Bjork album.

PAUL: Wait! Go back one!

GRAY: The murder was done by the family nanny, who's a spy because - by Jove, Temple! That's right. How did you draw that out of me?

PAUL: I have my methods.

STEVE: Great work, both of you. Now, Inspector, perhaps to celebrate I can tempt you with a dry martini.

GRAY: Oh, no thanks, Steve, I confess I had a couple already this afternoon whilst mulling over the evidence.

PAUL: Well, if it comes to that, Sir Graham, I had a few snifters in the office myself earlier on.

STEVE: And I personally am absolutely twatted.

ALL: [LAUGH POLITELY TO FADE]

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Otterfox

  • Monday 4th October 2021, 11:57pm [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,067 posts

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

MONEYPENNY SITS AT A DESK. A TYPICALLY SUAVE JAMES BOND ENTERS.

MONEYPENNY:
Hello James, lovely day wouldn't you say.

JAMES:
Yes indeed Moneypenny and it's just got a whole lot lovlier.

MONEYPENNY:
Oh James, you say all the right things.

JAMES (chuffed) :
Do I? I'm really glad about that 'cos I'd hate to put you out in any way. I mean, I'd never want to upset you or overstep the mark.

MONEYPENNY NOW LOOKS AWAY DISINTERESTED.

JAMES:
So what say I try and do more of those right things and take you out for a cone or some tea?

MONEYPENNY:
Mmm I can't, I'm um... washing my fringe.

JAMES:
But I didn't say when.

MONEYPENNY:
Look James-

JAMES:
I know, I know, fringes can be tricky.

JAMES TURNS AND ATTEMPTS TO THROW HIS COAT ONTO THE COAT RACK FROM THE OTHER END OF THE OFFICE. HE MISSES.

JAMES:
Wait. I can do this.

HE TRIES AGAIN AND MISSES.

JAMES:
No wait. This time definitely...

MUFFLED SPEECH CAN BE HEARD FROM THE INNER OFFICE. JAMES STOPS MID-THROW AND TURNS TO MONEYPENNY, SURPRISED.

JAMES:
Is M in there?

MONEYPENNY:
Yes, he's waiting to see you.

JAMES:
Ugh! I was hoping to spend the whole day just dossing around.

JAMES ENTERS M'S OFFICE.

M:
Ah 007, have a seat. I'm just after finishing a conversation-

JAMES:
Well done.

M:
-with our specialist team who have found the coordinates to Blofelds layer. We need you to infiltrate it and stop his plan for world domination.

JAMES:
You want me to make sure he has a steady water supply?

M:
Infiltrate, not irrigate! Here are the coordinates. I suggest you leave immediately as every second counts.

JAMES:
You can count on me....probably.

M:
Oh and Bond, do you really think that a tuxedo is necessary? It's not very practical.

JAMES:
You're not very practical.

JAMES OPENS THE DOOR TO LEAVE BUT BASHES IT OFF HIS HEAD. HE TRUDGES DOWN THE CORRIDOR GINGERLY RUBBING HIS HEAD.

MONEYPENNY (TO M) :
Are you sure that he is the best person for the job?

M:
You're just saying that because he's an utter imbecile. I can assure you that he is a different man in the field. Only an agent at the very top of his game would succeed in getting to Blofeld.

CUT TO JAMES SITTING IN A PLUSH CHAIR IN BLOFELDS INNER SANCTUM. BOND IS THE PICTURE OF COOL, CHATTING WITH BLOFELD.

JAMES:
So, why the name Spectre?

BLOFELD:
We're all shadows here Mr. Bond, we're ghosts.

JAMES:
Of course. Metaphorically speaking.

BLOFELD:
No Mr. Bond, we're all actually ghosts, everyone who works here.

CLOSEUP OF SHEER HORROR ON BONDS FACE.

BLOFELD:
Allow me to show you something that I know a man of your tastes will appreciate.

CUT TO BOND SPRINTING OUT OF THE COMPOUND SCREAMING IN TERROR.

END.

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Crindy

  • Tuesday 5th October 2021, 9:06pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 133 posts

INT. AEROPLANE COCKPIT - DAY

The cockpit of a commercial airliner. A PILOT and CO-PILOT (both 40s) sit in their respective seats. The Pilot speaks into his headset.

PILOT
Affirmative. Mike Alpha 3-4-5 descending as requested. We will stand by for our new heading.

The Pilot adjusts some instruments. Silence. The Co-Pilot looks over to the Pilot, grinning.

CO-PILOT
Hey. Terry.

The Pilot grimaces, but ignores him, checking over his instruments. The Co-Pilot, still grinning, taps him on the arm.

CO-PILOT (Cont'd)
Terry.

Still no response. The Pilot grits his teeth slightly.

CO-PILOT (Cont'd)
(with a smirk)
I spy, with my little eye--

PILOT
(muttering)
Jesus Christ...

CO-PILOT
--Something beginning with...'C'--

PILOT
For fu--Clouds! Clouds, Frank! Ok? Every day, you play the same stupid little game, and it's always - always! - sodding clouds!

CO-PILOT
No, wait, Terry, I--

PILOT
I get it, ok? I mean, I get what you're saying here. Being a pilot is very, very boring! You see the fancy adverts, where they're all square-jawed adonises striding through airports with sexy blonde stewardesses draped over each arm, ready to fly out to another glamorous sun-kissed destination, and then you actually get in the cockpit, and it's just endless shuttle runs to sodding Krakow in the pissing rain!

CO-PILOT
Nah, come on. Seriously. I spy, with my--

PILOT
I mean, don't get me wrong, Krakow is a lovely city. Beautiful architecture, cheap bars, friendly locals, me and Yvonne had a lovely long weekend there about five years ago. But it's not exactly a fortnight in the crystal-clear waters of the south Pacific, is it?

CO-PILOT
Terry, mate, just, can you--?

PILOT
So, yeah, I get it. We just sit here. Every day. Watching all these little buttons and dials. And loads and loads of sodding clouds!

CO-PILOT
(more panicked)
Terry, please: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with--

The door to the cockpit opens. A STEWARDESS (40s) enters with a tray of food, and immediately screams and points out the cockpit window.

STEWARDESS
Cliffs!

The Pilot looks up and screams. The screen goes black.

INT. BOARDROOM - DAY

A group of EXECUTIVES (all 50s) sit around a large boardroom table. At the head of the table, an ENGINEER (30s) finishes playing a recording from his laptop.

ENGINEER
And, um, the recording ends there. That's all we were able to get from the black box.

The executives look at each other, worried.

EXEC 1
Well, this doesn't look good at all.

EXEC 2
Agreed. This cannot be allowed to get out into the public domain. It would be the end of Majestic Airlines.

EXEC 3
Yes. If the families of the deceased were to find out that their loved ones perished because of a harmless game of I Spy gone tragically wrong, the compensation payments would pretty much bankrupt us.

EXEC 1
Not to mention the wider questions from the press about why they were using I Spy as their primary form of cockpit communication in a crisis situation.

EXEC 2
It worked so well to keep track of all the clouds, this just seemed like a logical cost-saving step at the last AGM!

EXEC 3
Still, if this leaked out, we'd have to scale back our plans for our new Transatlantic services entirely, and focus on bleeding as much profit out of shuttle runs to Krakow as we can.

EXEC 1
Ugh. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a marvellous city. Dripping in history, remarkable culture. But it's not the sort of thing that airline empires were built on, is it?

EXEC 2
So, we're all agreed. This recording does not leave this room.

ENGINEER
Um, it's just, the--The board of inquiry have already requested a copy. Three times. We're running out of excuses.

The Executives consider this for a moment.

EXEC 3
Gentlemen, I may have a solution.
(then, darkly)
I Spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'A'...

INT. TV NEWS STUDIO - DAY

A severe NEWSREADER (30s) sits in front of an even more severe newsroom desk.

NEWSREADER
Arson.
(then)
The conclusion of a six week inquiry into the catastrophic fire that gutted Majestic Airlines headquarters and resulted in the collapse of a tangentially-related six week inquiry into the crash of Flight 345.

The Newsreader turns to one side, where the Majestic Airlines CEO (50s) sits, ready for an interview.

NEWSREADER (Cont'd)
The CEO of Majestic Airlines, Sir Phillip McBoatface--

CEO
No relation.

NEWSREADER
--Joins me here in the studio. Sir Phillip, your reaction to today's news?

CEO
Naturally, all of us at Majestic Airlines are deeply saddened by the loss, both of our generously insured headquarters, and also any remaining evidence of the final moments of Flight 345, whose fate will now forever remain a mystery. Forever.

NEWSREADER
I see.

CEO
But, even on this day of sadness, I would like to formally announce that Majestic Airlines plans to triple our daily flights to Krakow from next month. A fascinating city, steeped in--

NEWSREADER
And what about these fresh rumours on social media about the arson attack?

CEO
What...um, what rumours?

NEWSREADER
That the fire was actually started inside the boardroom itself, on the day that the evidence from Flight 345 was scheduled to be sent from your headquarters, to the board of inquiry?

The CEO pauses and licks his lips.

NEWSREADER (Cont'd)
Sir Phillip? You seem to be sweating an awful lot.

The CEO remains silent. He squirms in his chair.

NEWSREADER (Cont'd)
Sir Phillip? Do you have an answer?

CEO
(shaking)
I spy...with my...little eye...

NEWSREADER
What are you doing--?

CEO
...Something beginning...with 'G'!

The CEO reaches for something under the desk, the Newsreader jumps up in fright.

NEWSREADER
Jesus! He's got a--!

INT. PRISON CELL - NIGHT

The CEO sits in a chair, looking out into the distance.

CEO
Gun. I...don't even know what I was thinking. What compelled me to bring it to the studio in the first place. I just...I panicked.
(then, sobbing)
I never meant to hurt anyone...

REVEAL: The CEO is strapped to an electric chair. A PRISON GUARD approaches the chair.

PRISON GUARD
Before we carry out your sentence, do you have any final words?

The CEO looks around at a small assembled CROWD.

CEO
...I, um, don't suppose anyone fancies a game of I Spy?

THE END

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playfull

  • Wednesday 6th October 2021, 11:55pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 2,078 posts

'M' IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, LOOKING AT REPORT. THERE IS A KNOCK ON HIS DOOR.

M: Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND BOND ENTERS CAUTIOUSLY AND STANDS WARYLY LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM.

BOND: M

M: Ah 007, please take a seat.

BOND: I'd rather stand, if you don't mind. I like to be prepared.

M: Like a boy scout?

BOND: No thank you.

M: No, I didn't mean...never mind. I have asked 'F' to join us. You remember 'F' 007?

BOND: F 007? I had something similar scratched on to my Aston Martin.

M: About your Aston Martin, do you think it a suitable vehicle considering your choice of profession?

BOND: Well it might not be a Bentley but It's perfectly adequate.

M: Well, at least I don't have personalized number plates on my Bentley.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR

BOND: Are you expecting anyone?

M: Yes, I told you 'F' is joining us. (LOUD) Come in 'F'.

AN ELDERLY WOMAN ENTERS

F: Hello M. You said it was urgent?

M: I believe you two know each other?

F: F.

BOND SHAKES F's HAND

BOND: Bond, James Bond.

M & F BOTH SHUDDER

M: No!

F: 007, you can't tell people your real name. You are a spy.

M: 'F' was your instructor during basic training. She specialized in being unseen, in leaving no trace. Do you remember her?

BOND: No, not surprising given her specialization.

M: I was hoping seeing 'F' might have helped.

F: I wasn't known as 'F' then, I preferred 'A'.

BOND: You preferred 'A'? Now I remember you.

M: Look 007 You have to stop publicity seeking, stay out of the spotlight and stop telling every f**king villain your name. You are making it too easy for Blofeld to find you.

BOND: Don't worry about Blofeld. He's downstairs, I swung by his supervillain hideout this morning on the way back from launching my new auto-biography on breakfast tv.

M: How did you find him?

BOND: (SHOUTS) Siri, where is Blofeld?

SIRI: Ernst Blofeld, has just escaped from MI6 headquarters. He is currently making his escape down the Thames River.

BOND: May I sir?

M: What, er yes go get him Bond.

BOND: Looking at watch. Just in time for the 1pm news.

F: well what do we do now?

M: I don't know.(BEAT) Do you still prefer 'A'?

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Thursday 7th October 2021, 8:32am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,577 posts

I loved the Otterfox line where Moneypenny shows total disinterest in Bond once he treats her politely, it said so much in a tiny space. And I liked Gappys tangents but for me Crindy gets the ball because of the structure and depth of the plot :P

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gappy

  • Thursday 7th October 2021, 11:56am
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,273 posts

I really like all the set-ups this week, and a lot of the lines, so my choice is purely down the structure.

I love Teddy's concept that James Bond won't go up north, because it's not suave enough, that's got a real end of the 80s sketch vibe (Naked Video, or Absolutely). For my money, Harry isn't required.

Otterfox's is good, but the bit about the ghosts is mystifying. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but it felt arbitrary.

Crindy's is great, , but for me it went on too long. Had it ended "Something beginning with A..." and then the newsreader announcing arson, I would have loved it.

Playfull's is a silly cavalcade of one-liners, its like a slightly ruder version of a Russ Abbott sketch, but I feel it's the most cohesive and compact, even if some of the others were arguably more clever. So, Playfull is getting my vote, but it truly was another excellent week, I thoroughly enjoyed reading them all.

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Crindy

  • Friday 8th October 2021, 9:58am
  • England
  • 133 posts

Lot of great bits this week. The flurry of strong Bond-themed skits makes me glad I gave up on my own substantially weaker idea in the formative stages. Laughing out loud Playfull just takes my vote ahead of Teddy, I think.

Quote: gappy @ 7th October 2021, 11:56 AM

Crindy's is great, , but for me it went on too long.

My dream is to one day redefine the concept of the comedy sketch by getting a TV series commissioned whose episodes only consist of two overly long 15 minute skits. Either that, or I need to invest in a script editor. :D

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 8th October 2021, 12:38pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,292 posts

My dream involves the use of Mel C and a shower attachment.

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Otterfox

  • Saturday 9th October 2021, 1:44am [Edited]
  • Tipperary, Ireland
  • 1,067 posts

I'm a dab hand at the overly long sketches myself. If you find that script editor send him my way Crindy. 2 overly long sketches to make up an episode is right up my street. Incidentally it's you for me this week in that Crindy gets my vote.

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playfull

  • Saturday 9th October 2021, 2:12am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 2,078 posts

What would the collectvie nown for a group of Bonds? A Spectre of Bonds?

Anyway, Teddy gets my vote, just for nailing Harry Palmers voice,

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Alfred J Kipper

  • Sunday 10th October 2021, 2:40pm [Edited]
  • Aldershot, England
  • 6,752 posts

Oh damn, I missed this one, but would like to vote on such a great subject, brownie point for Otterfox for choosing it, but the counting vote goes to Teddy for his well observed 3 way spy off, matching my own favourite fictional special agents. Callan's late entry into the ring was spot on and very funny. As was the whole Palmer v Bond thing. :D Very entertaining Teddy, obviously a subject you like.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Monday 11th October 2021, 2:25pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,577 posts

Thanks for the compliment Alfred and yes I do love a bit of spying. To be honest I was going to have Smiley instead of Bojo but I wanted to be current.