WAITER: Excuse me, lady and gentlemen, here are you mains. I have chicken chow mein, chicken chop suey, sweet and sour chicken, and chicken three ways. You guys certainly like chicken. OK, so who's for the chicken three ways?
JACK: That's me.
WAITER: Excellent. I'll just place this dish here - careful, quite hot - and if you could roll up your sleeve a little, I can get access.
JACK: Get access to what?
WAITER: A vein.
ARNOLD Hang on, are you proposing to insert that tube into Jack's vein?
WAITER: Well, we call it a "line", not a tube, but yes, basically. Feeding via a drip, that's one of the three ways.
JACK: That can't be right.
WAITER: No, it is. I mean, if we left out the drip, we wouldn't be able to come up with 3 ways.
JACK: No, I don't like this.
GLYNIS: Well, I don't know, Jack. Maybe it's traditional. You don't want to insult their culture.
ARNOLD Also, you are quite bad at chopsticks.
JACK: No! This is not what I want.
WAITER: Then why did you order it? It explains quite clearly what the dish involves in the menu.
JACK: But I didn't read that.
WAITER: Why not?
ADAM: Because we like culinary surprises. We like to explore exotic foods.
WAITER: Is that right, Mr sweet and sour chicken? Look, you can either have it, or not have it, and still pay for it.
JACK: That's not right! What about my statutory consumer rights?
WAITER: Yeah, there are those, of course: but if you don't have it, you will be insulting my culture.
GLYNIS: Oh, God, we can't do that! [BEAT] Sorry for saying God, instead of...Tao...?
WAITER: That's fine. So - Jack, is it? - you just grab the fork, for the oral, and I'll plumb in the line for the intravenous.
JACK: Alright, if I must. Hang on, that's still only two ways.
WAITER: Wondered when you'd spot that. Trousers down, sir! Come on, chop chop.
GLYNIS: [GASP] Can you say that?
WAITER: Well, I definitely can. OK, up on the table.
JACK: I am not getting on the table!
ARNOLD I think you should, Jack.
GLYNIS: It would be an insult to their culture if you didn't.
ADAM: And I think it will be hilarious.
WAITER: Great, so you three can help me. Everyone grab a limb and three, two, one...heave! There we go. Right, spin him round - yes, this is why we have those giant rotating things on the tables, surprised you never wondered. Then it's just a quick painless-
JACK: [YELP OF PAINED SURPISED]
WAITER: Mostly painless insertion. And we're all good to go.
ADAM: Well this is an adventure. Happy birthday, Jack!
WAITER: Quite. You may wish to move your plate away from his thrashing legs, sir.
GLYNIS: Christ yes, move that plate - in case it insults his culture.
ARNOLD Right, let's all dig in! Or, in Jack's case, become infused.
WAITER: One moment, sir, you've still got side dishes to come: so that's four cauliflower eyedrops, some sesame pessaries, and a chilli and garlic inhaler. Enjoy!