British Comedy Guide

Soft-Boiled Spice Girl 14 - 22.6.21

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Monday 14th June 2021, 9:47am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,062 posts

F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 5
Playfull, Wwwwwwh - 1

Next natterjerk: Restaurant (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 22.6.21
Runners are nowt...

Position Score Name
1 18 Gappy
2 9 Otterfox
3 7 Playfull
4 6 Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh
5 2 Firkin
6 1 Monkers, Tiggy

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 15th June 2021, 10:47am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,062 posts

MEET 'N' BEAT

POSH RESTAURANT.

MANAGER Good afternoon, sales group. My name is Richard Staines and I am proud to open this morning's end-of-year dinner by welcoming everyone...

WOMAN (in audience) And me.

MANAGER Pardon?

WOMAN Everyone AND ME. I am the only woman in the team and your failure to acknowledge my presence implicitly implies an implication of discrimination.

MANAGER Er, sorry. So, welcome everyone, and the only lady...

WOMAN Harasstation!

MANAGER I beg your...

WOMAN That's right you misogynicals, pick on me because I'm a woman.

MANAGER But I thought you wanted me to.

WOMAN That's what lawyers say.

MANAGER You did tell me to mention you.

WOMAN Did I? All right... But watch it, Adolf Goebbelsson.

MANAGER Um - welcome everyone, including the lady...

WOMAN Lesbian!

MANAGER No I'm not.

WOMAN Not you, me, you homophones! I like the flange. Got a problem with that, fascist? Us carpet munchers toil like blacks - sorry, Trojans - sorry, bleedin' hard - just like you breeders does. So have some respecks.

WOMAN Apologies. Welcome everyone, including the, um, carpet...

WOMAN With a disabled friend. (sobs) My friend is disabled. Not that you'd care.

MANAGER Is he here?

WOMAN Of course not, he's disabled! But he's still human.

MANAGER Right... Welcome everyone, especially the lady-fancier with the disabled friend...

WOMAN Who is black. Why didn't you mention that?

MANAGER I didn't know.

WOMAN Oooh, you hypocriticiser! 'Honestly officer, I didn't notice he was black, just thought I'd just call him names, kick his head in and steal his money for a giggle!' No wonder the country's in such a state.

MANAGER OK, let me get this straight - I mean, black and white - clear. Lesbian with black disabled friend...

WOMAN Who likes the Spice Girls.

MANAGER Oh for fu...

WOMAN Got a problem with the Spice Ladies now? They were fun, frolicksome and cutely adorable, combining girl-next-door charm attracting the lads with distinct yet accessible personalities identifying with lasses, so as to garner album sales of 46 million, concert sales of 700,000 and television audiences of shitloads! GIRL POWER! That's your problem, mate - you can't cope with women in positions of power.

MANAGER OK, last try. Welcome everyone, especially the lesbian with the disabled black friend who likes the Spice Girls...

WOMAN Especially Sporty. Typical bloody man - just cos Mel C didn't play it sexy like Geri, she was actually the most talented, diligent and musically committed of all Spices, as amply demonstrated by Sporty's globally successful solo career stretching from before the demise of Spice to the present decade, including a collaboration with Lisa Lopez, who is black and dead...

MANAGER Look, I don't care.

WOMAN You don't care? Black Lives Matter now, I read it on Facebook.

MANAGER I give up. (leaves)

(Camera pans out - room empty except woman at the back.)

WOMAN Poof.

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Chappers

  • Tuesday 15th June 2021, 7:51pm
  • Surreyish., England
  • 32,347 posts

Yes it started very funny but then it appeared that someone was trying to get his desires accentuated.

I'll have a go later. What was the theme? Restaurants?

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gappy

  • Wednesday 16th June 2021, 4:14pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,231 posts

WAITER: Excuse me, lady and gentlemen, here are you mains. I have chicken chow mein, chicken chop suey, sweet and sour chicken, and chicken three ways. You guys certainly like chicken. OK, so who's for the chicken three ways?

JACK: That's me.

WAITER: Excellent. I'll just place this dish here - careful, quite hot - and if you could roll up your sleeve a little, I can get access.

JACK: Get access to what?

WAITER: A vein.

JACK: Sorry?

ARNOLD Hang on, are you proposing to insert that tube into Jack's vein?

WAITER: Well, we call it a "line", not a tube, but yes, basically. Feeding via a drip, that's one of the three ways.

JACK: That can't be right.

WAITER: No, it is. I mean, if we left out the drip, we wouldn't be able to come up with 3 ways.

JACK: No, I don't like this.

GLYNIS: Well, I don't know, Jack. Maybe it's traditional. You don't want to insult their culture.

ARNOLD Also, you are quite bad at chopsticks.

JACK: No! This is not what I want.

WAITER: Then why did you order it? It explains quite clearly what the dish involves in the menu.

JACK: But I didn't read that.

WAITER: Why not?

ADAM: Because we like culinary surprises. We like to explore exotic foods.

WAITER: Is that right, Mr sweet and sour chicken? Look, you can either have it, or not have it, and still pay for it.

JACK: That's not right! What about my statutory consumer rights?

WAITER: Yeah, there are those, of course: but if you don't have it, you will be insulting my culture.

GLYNIS: Oh, God, we can't do that! [BEAT] Sorry for saying God, instead of...Tao...?

WAITER: That's fine. So - Jack, is it? - you just grab the fork, for the oral, and I'll plumb in the line for the intravenous.

JACK: Alright, if I must. Hang on, that's still only two ways.

WAITER: Wondered when you'd spot that. Trousers down, sir! Come on, chop chop.

GLYNIS: [GASP] Can you say that?

WAITER: Well, I definitely can. OK, up on the table.

JACK: I am not getting on the table!

ARNOLD I think you should, Jack.

GLYNIS: It would be an insult to their culture if you didn't.

ADAM: And I think it will be hilarious.

WAITER: Great, so you three can help me. Everyone grab a limb and three, two, one...heave! There we go. Right, spin him round - yes, this is why we have those giant rotating things on the tables, surprised you never wondered. Then it's just a quick painless-

JACK: [YELP OF PAINED SURPISED]

WAITER: Mostly painless insertion. And we're all good to go.

ADAM: Well this is an adventure. Happy birthday, Jack!

WAITER: Quite. You may wish to move your plate away from his thrashing legs, sir.

GLYNIS: Christ yes, move that plate - in case it insults his culture.

ARNOLD Right, let's all dig in! Or, in Jack's case, become infused.

WAITER: One moment, sir, you've still got side dishes to come: so that's four cauliflower eyedrops, some sesame pessaries, and a chilli and garlic inhaler. Enjoy!

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Lazzard

  • Saturday 19th June 2021, 1:29pm [Edited]
  • Ludlow, England
  • 5,453 posts

LIZ TRUSS'S BRITISH RESTAURANT

A man sits at a restaurant table, perusing a very thin menu.
Liz Truss arrives at the table, notebook in hand.

LIZ: Have you had a chance to read the menu, sir?

MAN: Didn't take long, but, yes. Now, the beef - is it locally sourced?

LIZ: Absolutely - chef pours it on in the kitchen - just yards from your table.

MAN: No I mean is it locally sourced - from a local farm?

LIZ: Not strictly speaking. It's from Australia. But I should warn you there is a bit of a wait.

MAN: How much of a wait?

LIZ: !5 years - but after that we'll be swimming in the stuff!

MAN: Some local lamb, then. I'm very keen to support the British farmer.

LIZ: Oh, well, that's easy - there's one over there, sleeping in the doorway of Dorothy Perkins. Give him a couple of quid and he'll regale you with tales of the Welsh Hill Farm he used to own.

MAN: How about the Coronation Chicken - is it fresh?

LIZ: Ah - sorry - that should read Chlorination Chicken - and it's always fresh. Positively glowing, in fact.

Liz can see that the man is losing his patience.

LIZ : It's not actually on the menu, but may I suggest sausages? We suddenly find ourselves with quite an excess.

MAN: I can have sausages any day of the week, thank you very much.

LIZ: Not in Belfast you can't.

The man soldiers on.

MAN: The asparagus - local, I hope?

LIZ: More local than the beef, that's for sure. It's from Peru.

MAN: But we're in the heart of asparagus country!

LIZ: I know, asparagus like telegraph poles as far as the eye can see. But can we find anyone to pick it?

MAN: Look, this is ridiculous - I've a train to catch. Perhaps I'll just skip straight to desert.

LIZ: Excellent! Might I suggest a little fresh fruit? Britain at its succulent best.

She hands a small piece of paper to the guest.

MAN: What's this?

LIZ: A map of the local fruit farms - help yourself, they've got piles of it. Literally. A sort of fruit pick-and-mix, if you will!

MAN: I hesitate to ask - but is there a cheeseboard?

LIZ: Absolutely there is, sir! It's not what you'd call over-run with cheese - but what we have is the finest.

A cheese board arrives boasting a piece of cheddar with a Union Jack stuck in it.

MAN: Is that it? Well at least it's local.

LIZ: Canadian, actually. That's the only flag we have. But it is lovely flag, wouldn't you agree, sir?

Liz Truss gives the flag a little stroke.

MAN: Right is there anything, anything at all, from round here, made on the premises?

Liz shouts towards the kitchen.

LIZ: Basket of French bread, table six!

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playfull

  • Monday 21st June 2021, 8:37am [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 2,017 posts

THE RESTAURANT THEMED RESTAURANT 2121

A FAMILY ARE BEING SEATED AT A TABLE IN A BUSY RESTAURANT.

WAITRESS: Ok, this is your table. My name is Ruby, i will be your server tonight. Have you eaten at the Restaurant Themed Restaurant before?

MOTHER: No, it's our first time in a restaurant, and It's our first time at Disneyverse.

WAITRESS: Well you are in for a historic meal folks!

MOTHER: Ah get it kids...Historic?

BOY: (LOOKING AT THE CHAIR) Mum?

MOTHER: Sorry, the kids are worried about eating whilst sitting still. Is it safe?

WAITRESS: Yes, it's absolutely safe.

FATHER: Well we drill it into them to always eat on the go, running, jumping and swimming.

WAITRESS: I understand. But actually it is perfectly safe to eat standing still.

MOTHER: Or seated?

WAITRESS: Or seated. If you go back a hundred years everyone sat still to eat. It turns out it is just an old wives tale that you will get stomach ache and die, if you aren't at least jogging whilst eating.

FATHER: Well, let's see how the old folks used to do it!

(THEY ALL TENTATIVLEY SIT)

GIRL: Dad ask about the Toilet?

FATHER: Is it true...the toilets...do you just sit and wait for it to fall out?

WAITRESS: Well that is how they did it back then.

WHOLE FAMILY: URRRGH

WAITRESS: Don't worry, we have the latest 'vac it out, wrap it up and take it home' toilets.'

WHOLE FAMILY: Thank goodness!

WAITRESS: Ok, so would you like to see a menu?

WHOLE FAMILY: Yes Please!

MOTHER: I have heard about menus but never actually seen one.

WAITRESS: (HANDING OUT MENUS) Take your time.

FATHER: There is no Soylent green?

WAITRESS: No, it is all authentic to the year 2021.

MOTHER: The Menu is hard and shiny, what is it made of?

WAITRESS: It is laminated with something called 'plastic'.

MOTHER: Plastic?

WAITRESS: Yes, historians are not sure exactly what plastic was used for. But they think it was either to keep the menus clean or kill whales.

BOY: There are lumps of stuff stuck on my menu?

WAITRESS: That is correct. The menu's are actually based on some old ones found in the basement of an old Hard Rock café during it's demolition. We think it was a sort of taster device. Give the lumps a lick.

THE FAMILY ALL START LICKING THEMENUS.

MOTHER: Either that or they just didn't clean them.

THEY ALL LAUGH. THE WAITRESS THINKS FOR A MOMENT, LOOKING CLOSELY AT A MENU.

WAITRESS: Can I recommend beefburgers for the children?

MOTHER: Beefburger? Is the Beef hydroponically grown?

WAITRESS: No, it's raised on the hoof.

MOTHER: Hoof?

WAITRESS: Yes, one hoof per cow. It's sort of free range without the ranging.

MOTHER: I'm not sure the kids will eat animal.

WAITRESS: (LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SPEAKING) Just between us it's all reformed Insect protein.

MOTHER: Thank goodness.

FATHER: Is anything made of Tofu?

WAITRESS: Yes, I am 80% Tofu.

MOTHER: Four burgers please.

WAITRESS: With french fries?

KIDS: Urrgghh

WAITRESS: Don't worry they are made from crispy fried snails.

KIDS: Hooray!

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Monday 21st June 2021, 10:45pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,546 posts

EMPIRE OF THE SLUM

9pm in a small rundown Japanese restaurant in Soho.

The place is packed as the background music stops and the lights dim.

A topless Japanese man walks out of the kitchen area slowly beating a kettle drum.

Two Japanese women then walk out one is carrying a fish in a bowl.

The other is carrying a Samurai sword on a velvet cushion.

The whole restaurant falls silent as the chef walks out and stands between the two women.

A spotlight then picks out an X on the floor and an X on the ceiling.

As it does so the headwaiter speaks.

WAITER
Ladies and gentlemen what you are about to witness is one of the most difficult preparations of a sushi dish that there is and that ever will be. I will now need one volunteer please.

The audience clap like seals.

The headwaiter then takes a diner who has his hand up and prompts him to stand on the X on the floor while looking up at the X on the
ceiling.

WAITER
Ladies and gentlemen, as this volunteer looks up with his mouth open . The heat of the light along with the sweat of his own fear will mingle and enter his mouth with the exact amount of salt to taste.

Then when the small bell rings this young lady will throw a live fish into the air. And our Chef tonight Kuso Makari will swing his Samurai sword that has been dipped in teriyaki sauce.

He will swing the sword seven times in less than half a second. As he does so seven of the thinnest slices ever of perfectly seasoned fish will enter the diners open mouth. Leaving him one of the very few to taste the freshest sushi known to man.

The restaurant erupts in clapping and then the drum starts up again.

WAITER
When you hear the bell be warned as this will be faster almost than the human eye.

The entire restaurant is on tenterhooks and then a small bell sound comes from the kitchen.

The fish goes up in the air and the chef slices it seven times and each slice lands in the man's mouth which he then closes and smiles as he returns to his table and the crowd goes wild.

The staff all go back into the kitchen to applause and the diners go back to their meals,

The man who had volunteered to do the trick talks to the woman at the table.

MAN
Wasn't that amazing darling I've never tasted sushi like it

WOMAN
Its was amazing I wonder if it's a tradition or something like that you know how mysterious the Japanese are? .

MAN
It's best not ask as it might be a religious thing.

A Japanese diner at the next table has overheard the conversation and he leans over and speaks discreetly to them in a thick Scouse accent.
JAPANESE SCOUSER
Don't be worrying about asking you won't offend anyone. The chefs my uncle he only does it to kill time if they've ran out of plates . The bell is off the dishwasher to let him know it's just finished.

The man and woman look terribly disappointed .

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 22nd June 2021, 7:17am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,546 posts

Playfull just nicks it for me but some great dialogues and concepts all round.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 22nd June 2021, 7:41am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,062 posts

F**k, I came early, as my mother said. Open another day for entries and she said that too.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 22nd June 2021, 8:08am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,546 posts

Micheal you need to get a firmer grip on your competition, as you keep coming too early.

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Tuesday 22nd June 2021, 8:22am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 6,062 posts

My mother won a masturbation contest. Beat off some stiff competition.

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playfull

  • Tuesday 22nd June 2021, 8:29am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 2,017 posts

I think it must be my fault, i usually post with minutes to spare on the last day - but i posted a day early this time.

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Lazzard

  • Tuesday 22nd June 2021, 8:58am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 5,453 posts

Gappy - 'cos its mental.