Here is one of mine:

I EMBRACE THE WORLD (TURN IT ON AGAIN)

And so it was that they chose to see time as backwards, moreover insisted upon it
The clock was on a reverse escalator but still it ticked forward, some might have cussed
Then each, adorned in garments of the ego, counted backwards as latter day Canutes
While they did the alphabet in reverse as 100 unto 1, it did not remove their conditions
They started with Z - what uneducated Americans call Zee - and ended up only with A
Math, Eh? Their flesh withered as they added an extra letter - Bay, Day, Hay, Say or Way
No eternity was found in this language conundrum because they couldn't punch it out
They forced themselves out of their duvet to blink at the half light, barely standing

Except for the uncanny way hard ons from sleep still appeared but then they do in the dead
Donned long shorts and boxing gloves, saying I am a gypsy, better than Tyson Fury
And then crawling past the punch ball in their hall, they headed for their slow kettle
A biff boff en route but nothing that you could call really heartfelt or convincing
If only to have been an effer and blinder rather than genuinely worried about climate change
And then there it was again, those numbers on their arms going from 47 to 79
The way that the carpet kept moving under their boots in a revolting forward motion
They tried to see the way they sweated fearfully as manly - not grey or fay or yesterday

While ensuring to spray deodorant on themselves which they now saw as just caravans
Certainly they were being towed by a stronger vehicle that called itself progress on a good day
It wasn't dressed in a tea cosy or a soft football mascot which is there to minimise swearing
Because there are women and children here and the first today dance and burn their bras
Are we all vegetarian now? Even those who dig up fluff from their doormat for fearing bugs?
Are those evils Klitschko or a 4 by 4 or just "it is time for a bath so off with your hush puppies"?
The clock was waved to the heavens and it did a moonwalk so no one knew where it was
And that was lovely because we all then enjoyed our harvest festival on Zoom with no anxiety

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Went for a walk due to boredom
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored em

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 24th November 2020, 11:18 AM

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Went for a walk due to boredom
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored em

View original

Excellent.

Is it a hike-ooh er?

My favourite poets are Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson and Andrew Dice Clay.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 24th November 2020, 11:18 AM

Two ugly sisters from Fordham
Went for a walk due to boredom
On the way back
A sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush and ignored em

View original

I'm not going to type the words to the now famous limerick Derek Nimmo said on Just A Minute, for fear of getting banned, so listen to hear, BUT DON'T if you're easily offended.............................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJ91QHtgn6A

There was a young bard named Lear
Whom everyone thought was a dear.
But come the last line,
He'd cop out, the swine:
That funny young bard named Lear.

This comes from my first book of odes to coronavirus.

It was the first one wot I wrote actually.

A TEASPOON AND A SPOTTED AARDVARK (THATS ALL)

A drone flew over my Nan's hairnet one night
Showering her with Government made rain
Like a drowned rat, she immediately took flight
To a sewer but was never the same again

Once inside, she found urchin folk huddled
Most had whiskers and some had long tails
Reassuringly, every one of them was then cuddled
By a woman who had otherwise been hard as nails

You are free, my Nan said, from the state assisted droppings
Furthermore, I have a magic drying flannel
Technology is crap compared with all my loving moppings
Though there's all this shite floating in our channel

And so then an egg fell off a wall there and inelegantly dropped
A reindeer on a sleigh was being towed by St Nicholas
Through their ceiling hole, many nebulous things had plopped
And the whole sodding thing was getting ridiculous

But a couple who had names starting with a J, neither actually called Mandy
Went up some sort of hill to apparently fetch a pale of water
But nine months later and everyone ensconced knew they were randy
Well my Nan was presented with a very wonderful granddaughter

All the while these most charming of ex urban peeps, albeit in utter dismay
As the fatbergs made their way around their sleeping bags and a yoke
Just pretended weird shit that flies in the skies completely away
As for unreal weather, they all declared it to be a bad, even horrible, joke

Did they ever emerge? That is, from their peculiar enslavement
That couple stayed in there with an addiction to kinky aberrations
But the rest climbed up my Nan's hairnet and ended up on the pavement
With shotguns and in rodent frenzy they succeeded in saving all nations

No more was there the drone aloft or strange storms from the elected
Every person was able to sing nursery rhymes, not just ring a ring a roses
Nan knew there was no bucket, she had obviously seen what had been erected
Any logical soul would think that this is where the story closes

But, no, because, yes, she and Daddy Christmas did become wed
He'd had more than enough of pulling a grandiose reindeer along
Not being a virgin, she dressed in fawn and as she always later said
Them bleeding saucers could have left us for dead but we were strong

They were already collapsing icebergs on our bonces
All we could do was become like ferrets in an arse
She would argue with me when I said that MPs weren't just a bunch of ponces
Then get out her kalashnikov when I said all things must pass

But, yes and no, Nan and I were that close we were almost feral
I liked the way that Humpty was her best man, though now only albumen
It was wholly right too in my humble opinion that her maid of honour was called Beryl
She and I also married, me at age 7 and her at 110.

Roses are Red
Violets are red
Every things red
I'e been shot in the face haven't I?

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 24th November 2020, 9:09 PM

Roses are Red
Violets are red
Every things red
I'e been shot in the face haven't I?

View original

Yes, I like the short ones too.

THE OVERSIZED GNAT LIES DOWN ON BROADWAY

Coronavirus, coronavirus
Are you a delicate gnome in my petunias, eating corn flakes and all ethereal?
Or more nuclear armageddon which emerged from some or other erotic material?

Coronavirus, coronavirus
Will you be my pixie if I say pretty please?, I am so keen to be your tinkerbell.
Or flatten my brains with a steamroller leaving a slightly unedifying smell?

That was actuully the second one wot I wrote.

ABACAB AND WUTHERING

I don't think you should stroke that bat, she said
She often confused her bs and her cs
I'm only feedin' him his Whiskers and that, he said
Also, he has had a reverse polymerase chain reaction test and is totally free of disease

But you have no idea about its gnome, she said
She often left out the first e in a word with two es in it especially where the first e is the second letter
Ain't it time for you to be getting home, he said
Any'ow, I've been looking at his insides through me microscope and his exosomes are getting better

But what if it has a cytokine storm, she said
Oh it is so typical of you to say that one exactly right, he said, you have always been really fickle
But Ticcles did have one before, a cykotine stream she said
Before, hah, so you can use a b where a b should be and include two es in a two e word, he said, giving Tibbles a little ickle with a c in its proper place tickle

(plus a k and an s actually)

Get rid of it, get rid of its Covid fleas, she said
He can't be under this roof if we are going to have trois families over on Christmas Day
You went French as you have trouble with your threes, he said
And if we properly address his angiotensin-converting enzyme 2 then I say he can stay

Maybe but it depends on your fridge, she said
Will we need to set it at -20C or -75C to maintain vaccine stability and what about the turkey dinner?
Tibbles has never liked a lot of turkey, he said
That's it, she said, I'm only ever going to speak in French now, and Ticcles is in my view getting thinner

Strangely, at this moment a belfry cat flew in, all paws and wings and poops
Alors maintenant que faisons-nous?, she said
Look, he said, SARS-CoV2 uses the spatial folding of its RNA hereditary molecule as control element for the production of proteins: predominantly in areas that do not code for the viral proteins, RNA single strands adopt structures with RNA double strand sections and loops.
I dunno. This could very well mean that we will all stay alive..............but in her the English alphabet was dead.

LAND OF CONFUSION

1. QUID PRO QUO

Scrooge met up with dear old SAGE
To cast away the lies
It's only safe to be alone at this stage
Wiv yer feet nailed on to yer mince pies

Place yer pud in yer hat to protect and survive
Stuff yer tree down inside yer knickerbockers
Wiv yer tinsel in yer gob, there's a chance yule stay alive
Do uvverwise and yule all be off yer rockers

Even baby Jesus always took the right info
Had he not dun, he would have been scientifically stuffed
Yes, he called Professor Neil Ferguson a nympho
But he also said that he wouldn't be rebuffed

2. BONA FIDE

So it was that these two remarkable geezers
Hammered their socks onto needles of pine
One in an isolated manger and the uvver at Ebeneezer's
Having booted out that miserable ol' swine

An angel flew round to see what he could screw his head on
The choice was paper chains and a large nuclear plant
Luckily he chose the first rather than any type of armageddon
Then securely tied his wings to the crackers with a chant

Tra-la-la-la-la, the chant went
That's one more la than the Banana Splits cleared
The Queen's speech from a bunker seemed heaven sent
Tho' her crown tied to the throne looked bleedin' weird

It's been an anus horribilis, she said
(Was that Neil on the porno screen behind her shoulder?)
Whatever, her husband was shown as roped to his bed
The right thing to do as he is only getting older

3. ERGO

No one can say that she doesn't know her onions
Or how to solder who jewels into her bra
Some say that she is now suffering from bunions
But that is as may be and we are where we are

And where we are is singing carols on luvverly social media
If yer follow me, I might follow you
Good King Wenceslas will feed yer
Deck yer halls with R numbers true

The new jollity need not be driven by lust
Even if the baubles on yer chest give yer joggers' titty
Just ask Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust
Not to mention the fine upstanding Christopher Whitty

You won't have any gold or indeed frankincense or myrrh
So think rigid suspender belt, brussel sprouts and pritt stick
The three wise tiers may well be something of a blur
Don't fret, be a simple candle, not getting on everybody's wick

4. CARPE DIEM

For that is THE science and THE light
It's a bit kinky in its solo shades of grey
But Charlie D, God and Liz are bright
They know that there is no other way

I can't dance, I can't talk
Hot sun is making me all wiv sweat
Only thing about me is the way I walk
'Gator's gettin' close, but it hasn't got wiv me yet

Must go now, I've got to pin me brandy sauce to me tears
I'll take the jelly and blancmange out to me ex chef
He's in the quarantine shed with grommets in his ears
And won't notice it being pierced to his lobes as he's a trifle deaf.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 24th November 2020, 9:09 PM

Roses are Red
Violets are red
Every things red
I'e been shot in the face haven't I?

View original

Quote: Will Cam @ 28th November 2020, 9:29 PM

View original

Yeah, well, it could have done with a bit of editin' but It's still in the top 10 of the ones on here.

Are limericks poetry?

There 's this erudite bloke called Horse
Who's posts could get very coarse
Asked what had occurred
He replied somewhat slurred
" I've had a night out on the sauce"

Quote: john tregorran @ 29th November 2020, 11:25 PM

Are limericks poetry?

There 's this erudite bloke called Horse
Who's posts could get very coarse
Asked what had occurred
He replied somewhat slurred
" I've had a night out on the sauce"

View original

Oh yus, that's very good.

IF LEAVING ME IS EASY, I DON'T REQUIRE A JACKET

I used to entertain people
Made them laugh their heads off with my isn't he bold voice and my big funny face
Now it's all don't knock Streisand or we'll sue and the quaint views from the steeple
Like being without a tank regiment in a war between arsenic and old lace

I could have been someone, well, so could anyone and counter-intutively perhaps on any weekday
It just doesn't come acrorst as well in writin', you cheap lousy twerp
Well, ok, but you are a twit who has been around a bit but in respect to the BBC not in any sexual way
Otherwise, I shall say whatever I want as it's nearly Xmas, I will even if I want to burp

I've painted my head green, is that alright or does it offend a tree?
I wear a mask and have lived in the same room all year, I am not disabled but ride a mobility scooter
I assert my right to say without any wrong connotation "a bird and a bee"
How else am I going to get through the barricades to the curry shop or doesn't even that suit yer?

I've got neighbours who are obviously vertically challenged but I tolerate the pair
I'm even big on Dorothy Stickney, Mildred Natwick and Tony Randall
Two breasts in a bush or Wee Willie Winky? Honestly I really couldn't care
I'm going over the wall to get my Jalfrezi, just ratchet me wheels up love, or is that too much to handle?