British Comedy Guide

Advice sought Page 3

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Lazzard

  • Saturday 27th October 2018, 10:15am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,878 posts

Yes - backup off-line is best - I have a separate storage device so even if the Mac goes up the wall I have something! I TRY to do it regularly - but don't always follow my own advice. Scriveners good if you do a lot of research for projects (it's not just for screenplays- great for novels, documentaries, anything written, really) or you have complicated things like TV series you want to have an overview of. You get to keep everything in one place. It is a faff at first - you slightly have to change your mindset - and it's best on a wide-format screen - but I couldn't live without it.

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Paul Wimsett

  • Saturday 27th October 2018, 11:56am
  • Folkestone, United Kingdom
  • 3,395 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 26th October 2018, 5:43 PM

Paul beggars can't be choosers mate , it's not ideal but I'm not on my own, the guy who drops your Pizza off and the person who will bring your Amazon orders to name a few. Its a reflection of a gig economy where people are expendable .

I think I know my own rate, thanks muchly.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Saturday 27th October 2018, 11:58am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Thanks for getting back to me

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Sunday 28th October 2018, 9:28am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

I'm expecting miracles here and peoples time that I may not have earned. But I have to push my luck and ask if anyone will read the next bit and tell me if its continues to be real and if its suspenseful ?

SCENE: FRONT DOOR OF SHELLYS HIGH RISE COUNCIL FLAT - NIGHT.

The camera starts on a pair of hand stitched brown leather shoes then pans out to show a well-dressed man in his late 40's wearing them. Next to him is a young black lad in street clothing wearing distinctive Air Jordan's and another man in his mid-forties wearing sombre clothing including a black polo neck.

The door to the flat opens and a woman answers, she appears to know the young black man.

Shelly late 20's blonde wearing housecoat and looks tired

SHELLY:
Aren't you Dwab? Dazza Hendos little brother?

DWAB:
Nervous
Yeah, listen Shelly this is Sadiq, he needs to see Abel about a bit of business, he's...

SHELLY:
Abel got nicked three hours ago!

As Shelly speaks the well dressed man pushes her into the house and the other two follow. The young black man is very reluctant to enter.

SCENE: LOUNGE OF SHELLYS FLAT- NIGHT.
A small modest flat with Christmas decorations and a false Christmas tree. Shelley is in a defensive stance by the fireplace. The well-dressed man and the man in the polo neck are searching the rooms of the flat. The young black man is standing facing Shelly and he attempts to placate her.

DWAB
Shelly listen to me these are very bad people and I mean bad just tell them what they want to know and don't f**k with them!

SHELLY:
Fear turns to anger
When f**king Abel finds out about you lot coming through his door like this this he'll rip you to f**king pieces!

Dwab tries to calm Shelly down

DWAB:
Please Shelly listen to me this Sadiq guy he's a psycho, so please just stay calm and give him what he wants!

Sadiq walks over and slaps Shelly, as he does so the man in the polo neck comes out a bedroom with a young black lad 14 Shelly becomes hysterical. Sadiq puts his gloved hand on Shelly's chin and begins squeezing her face menacingly.

Sadiq mid 40's dapper swept back hair with foreign accent and sophisticated mannerisms with evil smile.

SADIQ:
Where is he?

SHELLY:
Now terrified
He's not here he's been arrested, honestly.

SADIQ:
Arrested for what, by who?

SHELLY:
The police? They grabbed him outside Nando's! They must have recognized him

SADIQ:
Recognized him? How, why?

SHELLY:
He was on the run, he never went back to prison after his home leave. They nicked him on the spot. He's been sent back to jail
Sadiq is livid, he throws Shelly onto the sofa and begins to walk about the room. The young boy starts crying and this angers him so, he clicks his fingers at the man in the Polo Neck who walks over to the boy, but Shelley gets there first and cuddles him protectively.

SHELLY:
He'll be ok he's my neighbour's son his names Josh he's autistic he gets upset easily

Sadiq begins to question D-Wab.

SADIQ:
Does that sound right to you? The police just taking a man off the street and imprisoning him?

DWAB:
If he was on the run from Home Leave then yeah, I know loads of people who have had that done to them

SADIQ:
Would they do that? Just put him in prison without putting him before some of court?

DWAB:
I'm not sure?

Sadiq turns to Shelly who is clutching the young lad to her

SADIQ:
How do you know he was arrested? How do you even know if it was the police that took him?

SHELLY:
I heard it, he was on phone when it happened. He was outside Nando's asking me what I wanted? Then he said
"Oh. f**k here's Oxlow" Then I heard them fighting and Abel being arrested then the phone went dead

SADIQ:

Oxlow?

SHELLY:
Oxlow's a policeman

Sadiq is in deep thought, he paces the room firing questions at D-Wab.

SADIQ:
Do you know this Oxlow?

D-WAB:
Everyone does, the first things the kids around here learn is to make sure you can spot Oxlow's helmet before he spots you

SADIQ:
Pleased
So, this Oxlow he wears a police uniform?

D-WAB:
Yeah?

SADIQ:
He is not plain clothes? Not work with government as well?

D-WAB:
No, he's just a normal a stab vest & helmet copper

SADIQ:
So, this could all be coincidence and routine?

D-WAB
Oxlow's been around for years he's just a community cop

SADIQ:
Then tell me this, if our guy was arrested and sent to prison what prison would that be?

D-WAB
Wandsworth, I think he'll be in Wandsworth!

Sadiq returns to pacing the room. As he does so he begins making a series of short phone calls on his mobile out of earshot in a foreign language. When he has concluded, he begins to act like a man with a plan.

SADIQ:
You're right he is in Wandsworth, they put him the Solitary Unit an hour ago

D-Wab is clearly impressed by Sadiq's obvious connections. His spirits then visibly pick up but he disguises the fact when he speaks and tries to act gutted.

D-WAB:
So, that's it then, it's not like we can get at him in there is it?

Sadiq smiles at the man in the polo neck who smiles back at him in a menacing understanding fashion.

SADIQ:
On the contrary, now we know where he is and that he can't move, once again we have the advantage
The boy starts crying.

SADIQ:
Shut that kid up and make us some coffee.

Shelly takes the boy into a bedroom

SCENE: BEDROOM OF SHELLYS FLAT - NIGHT
A small room with a single bed that has an Arsenal quilt on it. There is a computer desk with a lap top and art work equipment. The walls are covered in good quality portrait drawings.
Shelly sits the boy on the bed and starts to soothe him, as she does so Sadiq and the man in the Polo Neck enter the room. Sadiq walks over to the desk and folds a lap top up and gives it to the man in the Polo Neck.

SADIQ:
Ok hand over your mobile phones

SHELLY:
Mines on the fireplace he doesn't have one

Sadiq looks at the hand drawn portraits on the walls and he takes one off and looks at it as he speaks.

SADIQ:
Who draws these?
SHELLY

He does he can draw anything they call it being a Savant

Sadiq looks at the portrait again as he replies in a menacing tone

SADIQ:
Can he know?

Sadiq shows the portrait to the man in the Polo Neck, Shelly then realises what she's done

SHELLY:
Yes, but he has to have a photograph to work from though he can't work from memory or anything like that

SADIQ:
He's good, very good, tell me has he drawn Abel?

SHELLY:
No, he hardly sees Abel I just mind him while his mum works nights
As Sadiq is about to leave the bedroom the boy points at a picture on the wall of a black man in an Arsenal top. Sadiq smiles and takes down the picture looks at it and then folds it and puts it in his inside pocket.
The boy becomes upset at this and starts acting out.

SADIQ:
Shut him up or I'll have my friend here do it for you!

The man in the Polo Neck smirks and Shelly is terrified as she does her best to calm the boy down. Sadiq and the man in the Polo neck then leave the bedroom as Shelly continues soothing the boy

SCENE: LOUNGE SHELLYS FLAT - NIGHT.

Sadiq goes over to the sofa and lays on it. As he does so he rests his mobile phone on his chest and then puts his hands behind his head and smiles in a smug way.

SADIQ:
We've got a long night ahead of us, so I suggest we get some rest

SCENE: HIGH CLASS RESIDENCE DOORWAY - NIGHT

The doorway has CCTV and wall mounted monitor DI Parker and DS Clarke are ringing the bell. They look at each other regarding the level of security.

CLARKE:
Well what do you expect? This has to be a 20 million plus property?

PARKER:
And the rest

The intercom on the wall bursts into life, the voice is old and Slavic.

INTERCOM:
How can I help you?

PARKER:
Metropolitan Police sir, my names Detective
Inspector Parker and this is my colleague DS Clarke. We'd like to speak to a Mr ?

DI Parker rummages his coat and takes out his note book and pronounces the name poorly

PARKER:
A Mr Kostelecky?

INTERCOM VOICE
May I see your warrant cards please?

The two detectives take out their ID cards and hold them up to the CCTV camera. As they do so the front door buzzes and then opens automatically. The two detectives are suitably impressed as they prepare to enter.

PARKER
Side of mouth
Did You notice he said Warrant Card not ID?

SCENE: HALLWAY OF LARGE HOUSE - NIGHT
A large ornate hallway, there is an elderly man leaning on a walking stick who is standing outside a door.
JIRI ,70+ dressed in black with very even manner and Slavic accent.

JIRI
Good evening officers, my name is Jiri, I'm Mr Kostelecky's personal assistant. How can I help?
PARKER:
With respect sir, we would need to get Mr Kostelecky's consent before we discussed anything with a third party, I hope you can understand that sir?

JIRI:
Of course, detective, I merely wished to have a few words with you both before I take you into see him.
PARKER:
As long as it doesn't...
JIRI:
holds up hands
Detective I wish only to alert you to his fragile medical state. I presume this relates to Ludmilla?

Both detectives are slightly taken aback by that the fact that Jiri appears to know about the girl's murder. Jiri spots the detectives looks and in turn his face drops.

JIRI:
This more series than her normal high jinks is it not?

The detectives visibly relax as they realise the Jiri is unaware of the murders. DI Parkers demeanour is humane.

PARKER
Perhaps if we could speak to Mr Kostelecky....

Jiri opens the door and all three characters enter the room.
SCENE: DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT
The room is dim the main light is from a large fire but the room is clearly lavish with oil paintings on walls etc. In the far corner of the room is an old man sat in a wheelchair behind a large desk. Jiri and the detectives walk over and stand facing the desk.

JIRI:
Jakob these are detectives they wish to speak to you regarding Ludmilla

The old man understands by Jiri's demeanour and tone that its bad news.

JAKOB,70+ Tired and weary looking with Slavic accent

JAKOB:
I take it that that Ludmilla is serious trouble this time detectives? Normally it's a uniformed officer with tales of my wards drunken fuelled recklessness

PARKER:
I'm sorry sir but I have bad news I'm afraid, the worst in fact. A body answering to the description and carrying the identity of your ward Ludmilla was found earlier this evening

The old man breaks down and sobs as Jiri steps around the desk to console him. The two detectives stand there looking uncomfortable.

Jakob recovers slightly and looks up in earnest as he speaks.

JAKOB:
Was it an accident, drugs?

PARKER:
I'm so sorry sir but at this point all I can say is that Ludmilla was found dead along with other victims at a house in Chelsea earlier this evening and ...

JAKOB:
Can I see her body? I need to organize for it to be taken back home for burial next to her parents

PARKER:
At this point sir, all we require is positive identification of her body. After that they'll organize a Liaison Officer to help with the logistics

JAKOB:
Be as blunt as you can detective will she be able to have an open coffin?

PARKER:
I'm afraid not sir. I'll be blunt as you asked, she was shot in the head, by what I think was professional killer

Jakob winces at this revelation and DS Clarkes face suggests she is not happy with how open DI Parker is being.

JAKOB:
A professional killer, Ludmilla?

PARKER:
Stern
That's my considered opinion sir. Now if you would like myself and my colleague to accompany you and your friend here to Chelsea & Westminster Hospital to identify Ludmilla's body we would be happy to offer you a lift?

JAKOB
No that's fine detective we can arrange that, thank you for both your time and your frankness

Jiri walks around the desk and ushers the officers out of the room as Jakob sinks into his chair in despair.

SCENE: DOORSTEP OF LARGE HOUSE - NIGHT
Jiri and the detective's shake hands and as the do so DI Parker gives Jiri his card.

PARKER:
Here's my direct number Father if you need anything don't hesitate to call me.

JIRI:
Shock/ recovers
Father?

PARKER:
You don't spend 5 years as an altar boy without knowing a priest when you see one

Jiri nods his thanks, but his look suggests he is clearly unsure about how much the detective knows.

The two detectives then get into their car and drive off.

SCENE: INT. CAR - NIGHT
DS Clarke is clearly uncomfortable with her DI.

CLARKE:
That was brutal, did you really have to tell him her head was blown off? You know we only give the basics at best until the body has been positively identified!

PARKER:
I did it on purpose, we're at least three hours behind a gang that are committing murders for information. Those kids were tortured one at time in that bathroom, that means they wanted info that they could check from victim to victim. This case isn't about drugs and those two know it. So, I've poked the hornet's nests and now we watch what happens?

SCENE: DRAWING ROOM - NIGHT

Jiri is sitting opposite to Jakob at the desk in the corner. He takes the seal off and opens a bottle of Vodka and then pours two large drinks. He then passes one of he drinks to Jakob who nods his thanks. Jakob then drinks the Vodka in one gulp and pushes the glass back to Jiri for a refill.

JIRI:
This hit man? Do you think Ludmilla was the intended target?

JAKOB:
We can't be sure; it could be a coincidence?

JIRI:
Jakob you're my oldest friend and we are both too old to believe in coincidences. Especially when it's the one and only thing that would finally bring Pavel out onto the open!

JAKOB:
Never the less he must be told

Jiri is in deep thought whilst playing with DI Parkers card

JIRI:
And warned, that detective is no fool!

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Rood Eye

  • Sunday 28th October 2018, 3:12pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

It's still decent stuff but there are several places in which the dialogue needs trimming, sometimes because the character is being unnaturally wordy and sometimes because the character is saying something that he/she would never say.

Where you have:

SHELLY:
He'll be ok he's my neighbour's son his names Josh he's autistic he gets upset easily.

I think all you need is:

SHELLY:
He's my neighbour's son: he's autistic.

Where you have:

SADIQ:
Shut that kid up and make us some coffee.

I think all you need is:

SADIQ:
Shut that kid up.

It's much more menacing.

Where you have:

CLARKE:
That was brutal, did you really have to tell him her head was blown off? You know we only give the basics at best until the body has been positively identified!

The second sentence should be deleted. Clarke would never say that.

The line:

SADIQ:
We've got a long night ahead of us, so I suggest we get some rest

is a bit of a cliché and should be deleted altogether.

All in all, the story is carried forward well and the tension is certainly preserved. There's no point in my going through the dialogue line by line as you, and/or others, might disagree with me entirely about what's right or wrong with it.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Sunday 28th October 2018, 3:54pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Fair points well made Roody and thanks for taking the time to help. I'll make those changes as I did Lazzards as you can see they're right as soon as they're pointed out and thats what I'm after so thanks once again .

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B T F

  • Thursday 3rd January 2019, 1:03am
  • United Kingdom
  • 156 posts
Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 28th October 2018, 3:54 PM

Fair points well made Roody and thanks for taking the time to help. I'll make those changes as I did Lazzards as you can see they're right as soon as they're pointed out and thats what I'm after so thanks once again .

Apologies for butting in. I am out of routine with my sleep pattern so was looking at these threads. I am an inexperienced writer but I noticed that you said that you did not feel confident with grammar. I did notice that you could do with some more full stops, commas and semi-colons, for example. I bet that you could easily learn to remember to use these by getting a grammar book and using the 'word' spell/grammar check (though, to be fair, 'word' is wrong at times) and putting in some practice.
I feel it will give your work a more professional look and that it will, therefore, be more likely to be taken seriously. It is also vital if you are writing to be able to do this. I hope that you don't mind me saying this. Good luck.