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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 10:10am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

I don't know if this one will stay up as its not a comedy. I have been submitting unsolicited comedy scripts to random production companies for over ten years and of the few that were read all come up against 'Subjectivity' So what I find funny others clearly don't.
So I took three months of spare time and wrote a thriller set over three nights for next Christmas.
Its only the opening scene that I am putting up and I don't know if Arron will let it stand as its not comedy but if he does and anyone has the time I would love a bit of feedback

Teddy

Caption: Praha, Št?drý den 1968
Followed by translation
Prague, Christmas Eve 1968

SCENE: EAST EUROPEAN STREET - DAY
A deserted snow-covered street. A man in a trench coat & hat is dropped off by truck and begins to walk along a street. An open top truck with troops in the back passes him menacingly slow. From the truck's cab an evil looking officer in Russian army uniform is sat in the passenger seat surveying him intently. The man is visibly relieved as the truck passes, he gathers himself and continues along the street and enters a café.

SCENE: CAFÉ - DAY
The man enters and walks to the counter and orders a coffee and then he sits with his back to a table occupied by a woman with a baby. The man then makes a show of putting sugar in his coffee as he speaks covertly to the woman behind him.

Jiri, 30's kind, Slavic accent

JIRI:
Sister Dita! I do hope that's not your baby?

Dita, 20's Slavic accent looks at the baby which is a doll.

DITA:
It's the baby Jesus from the crib, I promised Father Edvard I'd have it back in time
for midnight mass

JIRI:
Have you heard from Jakob?

DITA:
Yes, he said he'll be there as planned
JIRI:
Good, now what time does the curfew start?
DITA:
8pm sharp! If you're seen after that no papers or cover stories will get you out of it.
The patrols take everyone, and I mean everyone!
JIRI:
I was told it was ten, and if this snow gets any heavier then it's going to be even
more difficult
DITA:
Do you think we should call it off?
JIRI:
Impossible! Can you get a message to Jakob?
DITA:
If it's vital?
JIRI:
It is, tell him 'Snow Switch' he'll know what that means
DITA:
I'll make sure he gets it
JIRI:
Wry smile
Good and make sure Father Edvard gets his Baby Jesus back before midnight mass
as well

Jiri finishes his coffee and leaves without looking back.

SCENE: EAST EUROPEAN STREET - DAY
Jiri RI exits the café and turns his collar up to ward against the falling snow and walks slowly in a fixed direction. As he does so he discreetly surveys the houses he passes until he comes across an abandoned one. He makes his way around the back of the house and pulls off a board acting as a window cover, he climbs in.

SCENE: INT. ABANDONED HOUSE - DAY
A cold empty 2 storey house lit only by the light coming through the slats of the boards across the windows.
Jiri replaces the board on the window from the inside and gingerly makes his way through the dark house. He locates the stairs which he climbs and enters the front bedroom. He walks over to the slatted window and looks down onto the street. He then pulls over a box and sits vigil like at the window. As he does so a patrol of heavy coated soldier's march along the street below him. Jiri is startled as one of the soldiers tests the boards of the abandoned house with the butt of his rifle. As he sees this Jiri quickly stands up from the box and puts his back to the wall. He then hears the patrol move on and he gathers his confidence and looks out and catches sight of the back end of the patrol, as he does so he checks his watch.

SCENE: ABANDONED HOUSE- NIGHT
JIRI is sat on the box and is almost asleep, a noise outside wakes him and he tentatively looks down onto the street and sees the same patrol of soldiers. He checks his watch and then stands up and begins to warm himself up by rubbing his arms and legs. He then makes his way down the stairs, as he does so his foot goes through the stair and the noise is exaggerated throughout the house.

SCENE: SNOW COVERED STREET - NIGHT
The solider at the back of the patrol stops and turns on hearing the noise. He listens for a few seconds and seemingly satisfies himself that it was nothing, he then turns and walks quickly to catch up with his comrades.

SCENE: ABANDONED HOUSE- NIGHT
Jiri is stood dead still, after a few seconds he is reassured and begins to feel the walls as he slowly and silently makes his through the abandoned house and climbs out through the boarded window.

SCENE: STREET- NIGHT
Jiri begins to replace the board on the window but then decides against it, instead he walks around the building to the front and begins to walk in the same tracks that the patrol has left. Jiri continues down the street until he reaches a front door. He then makes an elaborate knock on the door which is then opened by an old man in a heavy coat, who quickly beckons Jiri in.

SCENE: OLD MANS HOUSE - NIGHT
A gloomy room with no fire there is a young frightened boy aged 4-5 dressed in a heavy coat.
Jiri and the old man shake hands like lost friends then the old man walks over and holds the young boy's hand as he speaks gently.

OLD MAN, 70is poor sad with Slavic accent

OLD MAN
Pavel this is Jiri, he will take you on the next step it's a very important step, so you
must do as you are told and be as quite as a mouse, understand?

The little boy nods, the old man then then turns to JIRI

OLD MAN
How long do you have?

JIRI
Looks at watch
20 minutes' max, we must all go now

OLD MAN
I'll only slow you down, no, you must follow in the patrols tracks and let me make
fresh ones heading in the opposite direction, it may fool them long enough to help
the boy get away
JIRI:
concerned
When they catch up with you try to act confused it may help

The old man smiles forlornly and then rustles in his coat pocket and produces a hand grenade that he covertly shows to Jiri.

OLD MAN
I've never been less confused in my life

The two men shake hands again and then the old man helps the young boy onto Jiri's back. The Old Man fixes the boys scarf and speaks fondly to him as he does so the Old Man's eyes glaze.

OLD MAN:
Remember Pavel no noise and be as brave as you can

The Old Man looks around the room as if saying farewell, he walks over to the cold fireplace and picks up a small framed photograph of a couple in their younger days. He smiles fondly at the photograph and then slips it into the inside of his jacket. He then he walks out of the house as Jiri follows with the boy on his back.

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
The Old man crosses the street purposely making fresh tracks in the snow. As he does so Jiri and the boy set off in the same tracks as the patrol. Jiri follows the tracks for a short while then crosses the street leaving his own tracks as he walks.

SCENE: CABIN OF TROOP TRUCK - NIGHT
The evil fat faced Russian captain is looking out of the side window when he sees the Old Man walking quickly down a snow-covered side street. The captain orders the truck to stop and then exits the trucks cabin. The Captain draws a holstered pistol and orders the troops off the back of the truck and they then all run in the direction the Old Man took.

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
Jiri has the boy on his back and he looks exhausted as he carefully follows the patrols tracks. He then comes to a cross roads and steps cautiously onto the virgin snow. Suddenly he stops as he hears a loud bang as the Old Man's grenade goes off in the distance, this spurs him on and he quickens his pace. Leaving a clear trial.

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
The Captain has a badly cut face and some of his troops are clearly injured as they are helped onto the truck. The Captain gets into the truck. As he does so he barks out his orders.

CAPTAIN:
Hospital now!

SCENE: CABIN OF TROOP TRUCK - NIGHT
The Captain is holding a blooded handkerchief to his face as he looks out of the slowly moving truck. Suddenly he spots a set of footprints in the snow and he orders the truck to stop.
CAPTAIN
Halt!

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
The captain is looking at the tracks and he clearly makes a mental decision, he turns and gestures to the truck's driver.

CAPTAIN
The Old Man may have been a ruse. Driver take the injured to the hospital, the rest of
you follow me

The Captain slaps the side of the truck as 4 soldiers drop off the back of the truck, The Captain takes his pistol out of his holster and he leads the troops down an alley following the foot prints. As he does so he starts to blow a whistle that he has on a lanyard around his neck.

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
Jiri hears the whistle and tries to pick up the pace and nearly stumbles. He then turns a corner and runs toward a wall. There is a man leaning over the wall. Jiri walks right up to the wall and the man leans over and takes the Little boy from Jiri's back in one smooth move. More whistles can be heard and the men part in silence. Jiri sets off making fresh tracks, while the man looks puts snow back on the wall to cover the marks he made leaning over and then looks down to ensure the footprints in the snow show no sign of the exchange, then both he and the little boy disappear behind the wall.

SCENE: JETTY - NIGHT
The man lowers the Little Boy gently into a rowing boat and sets of silently rowing toward a darkened ship on the river.

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
The Captain has reached the exchange spot near the wall, he stops for a second and compares the tracks in the snow, he is clearly not happy with their change in depth.

SCENE: BRIDGE- NIGHT
Jiri is standing almost breathless on the bridge; he can see that the Captain is curious about the exchange spot. He reaches into his over coat and takes out a pistol and fires it into the air.

SCENE: STREET - NIGHT
The Captain is still looking at the footprints when the sudden shot is fired and automatically he and his men respond by rushing toward the sound.

SCENE: BRIDGE- NIGHT
Jiri is caught in the headlights of an oncoming army truck. He shields his eyes from the head lights. A soldier who has been chasing him comes up and hits him with a baton. Jiri falls as the rest of his pursuers arrive and start kicking his prone body. The Captain arrives out of breath and uses the tip of his boot to flip Jiri's body over. Jiri's overcoat opens exposing a black shirt and white Dog Collar.

CAPTAIN
This bastard's a priest and he's still alive

FADE IN
Black screen, white letters
LONDON December 21st 2018

EXT. A RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT
A group of mature Carol Singers led by a vicar are singing Good King Wenceslas at the door of a large house with steps. The door opens and a young black man who is already clearly injured falls down the step and lands at their feet. As he does so a woman Carol Singer in the group starts screaming

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Lazzard

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 10:17am
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,878 posts

Teddy - Can't look at it right now but will deffo give it the once over either this evening or Thursday.
Screenplays are mainly my thing, so I can give you a relatively informed crit.
I've copied it onto a separate document - so if it gets deleted by the powers that be I've got an off-line copy.
Cheers

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 10:22am [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

I can't ask for more than that Lazzard , I love comedy to my bone but I'm working for £5 an hour at the mo so I have to write funny replies on Facebook for 12 hours a day to make 60 quid and its killing me.
This is a full blown thriller designed to be shown over three nights and I have already written the first 2 nights so any feedback would be greatly appreciated as it would give me a lift and help me keep my head up . I'm not moaning I'm just explaining my situation which I suspect others will relate to .

Teddy

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Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 2:07pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Don't worry about Aaron, Teddy,

If he notices the shortage of traditional comedy material, just tell him that in Macedonia this sort of stuff has them rolling in the aisles!

On a more serious note (see what I did there?), it's certainly pretty exciting stuff and I'd watch it.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 2:19pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Thanks Rood Eye , I'm glad you liked it, I tried to hit the ground running so I went for full on drama. Its just the opening scene thats retro the rest is set in modern day London at Christmas time and its a caper and a half even if I say so myself.
If Arron doesn't take it down I'll post more segments for the feedback as it spurs me on when things are bleak.
If he does thats fine as it is a comedy page, at the end of the day, but its place I know I'll get my all important feedback.

Teddy

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Rood Eye

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 4:09pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

On another serious note, because this forum is dedicated to comedy and to comedy writers, I don't think it inappropriate for us to critique a one-off (or even occasional) serious work written by someone best-known for his comedy creations.

I can think of a number of biographies and autobiographies written about or by comedy stars. Some of them are of course written largely for laughs but others would bring tears to a glass eye. Surely, all such works are worthy of discussion on this site?

Similarly, if an established comedian or comedy writer were to write a serious drama, I think it would be appropriate to discuss it on this site simply because it's the work of somebody from the world of comedy.

Given that Teddy is long-and-firmly-established as a comedy writer on this site, I (personally) think it quite appropriate to discuss any of his writings, comedic or otherwise.

It may be that decisions in similar matters need to be made on a case-by-case basis but, in this particular case, I vote that his script be allowed to "Remain". <3

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Tuesday 23rd October 2018, 4:46pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Thanks for the vote Roody Old Bean, if its still standing I'll put some more up in the morning , same Bat Time Same Bat Channel.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 24th October 2018, 8:54am
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Act 2 as it were

SCENE: MAYFAIR STREET- NIGHT
A smartly dressed woman is standing on the kerb doing her best to keep warm by moving from foot to foot. A car then pulls up and a man gets out of it and walks over to her.

DI Parker black early 40's northern accent

PARKER
So, what have we got?

DS Amy Clarke late 20's professional and tenacious

CLARKE
It's now more a case of what did we have?

DS Clarke points toward a house with a set of steps and at the top of the steps is a formal looking man in a dark overcoat coat who is clearly standing guard.

PARKER:
MI5?

CLARKE:
Worse Special Branch and as per usual they're not exactly sharing the info

PARKER
Ok tell me what you know so far?

CLARKE
Refers to notebook
It was originally a straight 999 call It came in at 8pm. It was from some carol singers

PARKER:
Very festive

CLARKE:
Apparently, they were half way through the first one when the door opens and a teenage IC3 male staggers out and falls down the steps

PARKER:
How bad are these Carol singers?

CLARKE:
The ambulance crew had the IC3 male down as a DOA.

PARKER:
Who was first on scene?

CLARKE:
Sergeant Knibb, he said he followed the blood trail to the 3rd floor and saw at least three more bodies up there. He had it down as a drug rip off but then Special Branch came flying in and closed the shop

PARKER:
So, do you think its drugs?

CLARKE:
Going by what Knibby said I would have said yes, he's not exactly new to the job is he? But since the Branch took over I'm not so sure. Doc McKay racked up twenty minutes ago, so they obviously think it's more than drugs. Or if it then its someone important in their eyes

PARKER:
Impressed
Doc McKay? They normally only use him when they need to find an eyebrow in a haystack. This is interesting, let's see if we can get our feet under the table, then shall we?

DI Parker walks over to the house and approaches the man on guard as he does so he takes out his police warrant card and holds it up as he attempts to bluster his way into the crime scene.

PARKER:
DI Parker West End Central

The man on guard holds up his hands and moves position to completely cover the door.
Special Branch man, early 30's military bearing posh accent

SB MAN
I'm sorry sir

PARKER
I'm a DI at West End Central, you're on MY patch!

SB MAN
I'm sorry sir, your Area Commander is en-route so perhaps you could take it up with them when they arrive

DI Parker walks down the steps dejectedly and returns to DS Clarke.

DI PARKER
No chance! And he reckons AC Dennis is on his way over

As DI Parker is speaking the door to the house opens and a man walks out. The man on guard nods in deference. Amy Clarke spots this activity over DI Parkers shoulder and alerts him.

DS CLARKE:
Guv isn't that the SB guy we helped with that Irish girls murder over in Camden last year?

DI Parker is clearly delighted to see the man and he walks straight over to him in a friendly fashion.

DI PARKER
Hello Terry, I take it this is your party?

Terry Canning, late 40's smartly dressed military bearing composed and shrewd. He is happy to see DI Parker, the two shake hands.

TERRY:
Hello Nosey, I take it you want in on it?

DI PARKER:
I thought it was Soft Shoe Caper?

TERRY:
No, it was more the address, its owned by a Czech company, who we do business with
DI PARKER:
So, what do YOU reckon it is?

TERRY:
Drugs with a message thrown in?

DI PARKER:
Message?

TERRY:
And a brutal one that that. Apart from the one who was DOA, there's another three up there. One's a young girl can't be more than 18? She looks like she was shot out of hand. To be honest that may well have been a blessing in disguise when you see what they did to the others

PARKER:
That's just it I can't see, can I? Your man won't let me past and now A/C Dennis is on the way and once he gets here he'll stop me dead in my tracks

TERRY:
It's not up to the A/C, the Yard want Trident on it

PARKER:
Trident? So, it's Black on Black? So, who's saying the killers are black? Do we have an eye witness or is it just presumed these days?

TERRY:
steps back with hands up

Whoa Nosey I'm not getting dragged into Met politics, I've got enough on my plate as it is!

PARKER:
So, I take it you've ruled out your side of things?

TERRY:
Pending any startling new info from Doc McKay's report on Monday

PARKER:
Monday's Boxing Day? There's fat chance you'll get it then. Every squad in the Met gives Doc McKay a bottle of 12-year-old malt at Christmas to stay in his good books. He'll be out the game till Hogmanay at the earliest

TERRY:
His liver must be pickled

PARKER
I'll let you into a little secret, he doesn't even drink them he gives them to charity's as raffle prizes

Terry Canning smiles at DI Parkers reply and then takes out a box of cigarettes and lighter out of his overcoat pockets. As he does so DI Parker begins to cajole him

PARKER:
Come on Terry. until McKay's reports in you're, still in charge. So, do me a favour and give me ten minutes up there, just to satisfy my curiosity, you've got the clout

TERRY:
Nosey if you would have pulled the old 'You owe me one' lark from the Camden case I would have knocked you back in an instant

PARKER:
Grins
Do I look the type to do that?

TERRY:
Cigarette in mouth
You've got until I've finished this!

Terry Canning nods to man on the door, as he does so DI Parker nods to DS Clarke and they enter the house passing the man on guard.

SCENE: STAIRCASE - NIGHT
DI Parker and DS Clarke are standing on the top step of a staircase. Ahead of them is the landing that has an open door which has bright forensic lamp light emanating from it. A man in a white disposable paper suit walks out of the room looking almost an alien leaving a space ship.

PARKER:
Hello Doc, long time no see

Dr McKay Scottish grumpy older stern, half-moon glasses.
MCKAY:
What do you want Nosey and more importantly who let you in?

PARKER:
And a Merry Christmas to you to Doc, no I'm just confirming some details for Terry Canning. He thought I should have a look around before he submits his report alongside your one, you did say that you'd have it ready Monday?

DC MCKAY:
peers over glasses
I did!

PARKER:
Mondays Boxing Day Doc and Terry Canning's said he's not even in the office. So, you might want to have the day off yourself?

MCKAY:
No wonder they call you bloody Nosey, is there nothing you won't do to get on a case? Besides isn't giving people days off a little bit above your pay grade?

PARKER:
Grins
Come on Doc it is Christmas!

MCKAY
Ok in the spirit of the season I'm going to go against common sense and my own better judgement!

Doc McKay smiles again and then gives both detectives blue plastic bags to cover their shoes and the beckons them into the room.

SCENE: LOUNGE - NIGHT
The room is sumptuous with a classy Christmas tree in one corner. There is a chaise lounge with a naked dead girls' body on. A sheet is being used to cover her modesty. There are two dead young black men tied to chairs in the centre of the room, they have clearly been tortured before death. There are technicians dusting and inspecting around the well-lit room.
The two detectives enter the room proper and split up and carefully follow forensic protocol as they survey the room.
DI Parker looks at the two boy's bodies in a professional manner and is clearly not perturbed at the gruesome task. He then focuses on the coffee table which holds a large bag of white powder and four lines of coke laid out ready to be snorted. There are also three notes scrolled up as tubes. DI Parker is clearly mystified by this, he inspects the bag with a pen and the uses the pen to un-scroll one of the notes in order to establish that they are £50 notes.

DS Clarke goes over to the girl's body and inspects the ring on her finger with a pen and then looks at her teeth and hair. The two detectives then stand in the corner of the room and hurriedly converse out of earshot.

PARKER:
There must be 20 grands worth of coke on that table alone and even the scrolls are 50's. But nothing's been taken?

CLARKE:
The boys, you see them as rich kids trying to look street or the real deal?

PARKER:
They're street

CLARKE:
Agreed. The girl's not, she's got a diamond ring 5 grand real hair extensions and at least forty grands worth of dental work

PARKER:
I read it as they're street she's was a fun seeking Snow Bunny. So, it must be her that's linked to the building. So, if we can get her ,then we get our feet under the table

Doc McKay then comes over with a clipboard and briefs the two detectives in a matter of fact fashion as they all survey the scene.

MCKAY:
The girl was killed as they came in, the other three were put through the mill as you can see.! There's teeth and fingers in the toilet bowl, the blood marks show they where they dragged in there one at a time and other blood splatters show the door was opened and closed each time. There was three of them and two are real sadists

PARKER:
Thanks Doc I owe you one

As DI Parker is speaking a high-ranking officer in full dress uniform walks into the room. DI Parker turns and speaks to DS Clarke almost through the side of his mouth

PARKER:
Watch and learn how to handle big uniforms

Area Commander Dennis, full uniform and swagger stick pompous blustery middle aged, middle management type with condescending tone. He spots DI Parker immediately.

DENNIS:
Parker are you aware that this is a Trident case?

PARKER:
Yes, I am now sir, but as I was in the area sir, I thought I'd lend my experience until everyone's up to speed as it were

DENNIS:
I'm sure Trident can assess the situation for themselves Parker

A/C Dennis concludes by turning his back on DI Parker and walk's over toward Doc McKay in a bid to converse with him. DI Parker winks at DS Clarke and then calls out to A/C Dennis as though it was an afterthought. A/C Dennis is not amused at DI Parkers casual approach in calling to him.

PARKER:
Sir one of the victims is white

DENNIS:
So?

PARKER:
You may want me to send a 'Wooden Top' I mean a uniformed officer to inform them? I mean there's no sense in sending a Trident officer it would only create more questions than answers before they even got started

DENNIS:
Livid
Parker, I will not have CID officers looking down on their uniformed colleagues and presuming that they are there to be used at your beck and call!

PARKER
Sorry sir I just meant that it was a good opportunity
To give some young Wooden Top an insight into the down side of the job

DENNIS
gloating
Parker in the first instance they are called Constables not Wooden Tops. Secondly as you and your detective sergeant are both obviously at a loose end, why don't you get her details and inform the next of kin yourself? I'm sure you have the tact & sympathy required.

The A/C then begins to converse with Doc McKay out of earshot. As he does so DI Parker walks over to a plastic bag marked EVIDENCE IC1 FEMALE. He tips the bag out onto a flat surface and fishes out the dead girl's European passport from her belongings. He opens it and discovers that she is a Czech National with a London next of kin details. As he sees the address he whistles silently to himself, then he writes the address into his notebook.
DI Parker indicates to DS Clarke that they should go. As they leave Doc McKay spots them and excuses himself from A/C Dennis and he follows the detectives out of the room.
SCENE: STAIRCASE - NIGHT
DI Parker and DS Clarke are at the bottom of the stairs when Doc McKay calls discreetly to DI Parker.

MCKAY:
You done the A/C like an Aberdeen kipper there Nosey.

PARKER:
You know me Doc, besides this one looks tasty

MCKAY:
Like I said there's three of them. The one in the training shoe's the weakest link. He stood back while it went down. He's wearing Nike Air Jordan's with a distinctive circular burn on the left heel

DS Clarke jots that detail into her notebook as Dr McKay continues

PARKER:
Thanks, Doc anything else I could do with knowing?
MCKAY:
Concern
Take care of the one in the hand stitched shoes Nosey, he's one of the evilest bastards I've ever come across every pool of blood he stood in was purple
PARKER:
Thanks for the advice Doc

SCENE: FRONT DOOR OF SHELLY'S HIGH RISE COUNCIL FLAT - NIGHT.

The camera starts on a pair of hand stitched brown leather shoes then pans out to show a well-dressed man in his late 40's wearing them. Next to him is a young black lad in street clothing wearing distinctive Air Jordan's and another man in his mid-forties wearing sombre clothing including a black polo neck.

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 24th October 2018, 2:00pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

Act 2 isn't bad at all, actually.

Of course, different people will have different opinions. Everything is relative and highly subjective but, compared with any recent script for Doctor Who, it's effing Shakespeare!

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 24th October 2018, 3:10pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Thanks for the feedback Rood Eye, I'm interested in knowing if the dialogue is real and if the suspense is sustained and if its not too complex. Its ideal to get a different eyes on a story, my family and friends will read anything and criticise nothing if you know what I mean so this is a great sounding board for me .

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Rood Eye

  • Wednesday 24th October 2018, 3:57pm
  • England
  • 4,103 posts

As you know only too well, Teddy, the perceived quality of any script is hugely subjective but I'll tell you this: most would-be writers cannot write a convincing line of dialogue to save their lives. The dialogue above, however, is decent stuff in my view.

An experienced police officer might see ways to improve the cop-speak but it looks okay to me.

I think the suspense is maintained throughout the scene and it leaves the viewer wanting to know what's going to happen next. I don't think it's too complex.

I think most production companies will say the vast majority of scripts they receive are rubbish. As long as you are out of the "rubbish" category (which you clearly are), you have a chance. After that, everything depends on whose hands your script falls into and what they're looking for on the day they receive it.

Lazzard's views will be interesting.

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Wednesday 24th October 2018, 4:14pm
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Thanks for this Rood Eye as its keeping my spirits up, I to will be interested in what Lazzard says as its his forte so I should get some good advice, even if its to stop it altogether :)

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Lazzard

  • Friday 26th October 2018, 1:10pm [Edited]
  • Ludlow, England
  • 4,878 posts

Act 1
General - try to make your action descriptors a little more punchy.
Needs to reflect the tone - shorter sentences - more sparse - add to the tension.

Is the baby thing because she's pretending to be a mother?? Does it imply Fasther Edvard is part of thre plot ie helping. Or is it just a piece of 'business" - in which case, it distracts and isn't worth it.

"What time does curfew start" etc - a bit heavy on the exposition side - don't have to explain everything - audiences are pretty smart.

Use "continuous" in your scene headings instead of "Night" if the action is flicking back and forth between two locations (the Abandoned house sequence) - helps the tension.

You don't need to follow Jiri's every footstep - eg you could jump straight to the old mans house.
Same with him getting to the exchange.

Act 2

Bit wordy - might want to run over it with a pair of scissors - stuff like explaining wooden tops probably not pushing the story forward. Has a good 'procedural' feel, though.
Don't like 'tenacious' as a character descriptor. show us she is.
If Parker is the lead, I need to know straightaway - start with him inside the car maybe? - his POV as he arrives at the scene - perhaps a little detail that helps you 'place' him ( is he super-fastidious, or always eating, likes Northern Soul -or something!)

It certainly feels like the real thing - and the cold opener in the snow sets up questions that you want answered later.
I believe your dialogue - but there's too much of it - you need to be making sure every line pushes the story forward - an overuse inter-departmental bickering - however authentic - could slow things down just when people are eager for information.
On purely practical level, I presume that you are formatting correctly? ( I know from bitter experience that posts on here always come out un-formatted). It's a bit of a pig to read at the moment and you'd need to sort that out sooner rather than later.
But I think you can proceed with confidence - you're certainly in the ballpark

PS excuse typos - posted from phone:)

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Teddy Paddalack

  • Friday 26th October 2018, 1:25pm [Edited]
  • Everton, England
  • 3,225 posts

Thanks so much for that Lazzard I can see it makes sense and I will amend appropriately. I only write in word I'm afraid as I can't afford a script writing programme . I did try Trelby but it was too complicated and detracted from my tale.
My plan is to write the three scripts and lay them out as best I can and if I can get interest them I'm sure that party will have people who can put it into shape via their own script programme if the script is good enough to warrant their effort that is, Its not ideal I'll admit but its worth a try.
So thanks for your advice its more than welcome , I have about two episodes near complete at the moment so I should have the third done this weekend as I'm not working , so I'll batter the keyboard and follow the advice given, so once again thanks for the time and effort

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Crindy

  • Friday 26th October 2018, 2:45pm
  • England
  • 116 posts

Try Writerduet. It's online only, but there's a completely free version of it for anyone to use which will do all the formatting you need, and also convert it all into pdfs once you're ready.