Mnfhgxm dfy 14 - 22.4.18

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 14th April 2018, 12:01pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,590 posts

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to CRINDY and PLAYFULL for winkin'. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Crindy, Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy, Patrick

Your next topic is OPEN (chosen by CRINDY).
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 22.4.18.

Scorebored is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Crindy
2 - 20 - Playfull
3 - 16 - Gappy
4 - 6 - Patrick
5 - 1 - me

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gappy

  • Saturday 14th April 2018, 12:48pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,947 posts
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 14th April 2018, 12:01 PM

Your next topic is OPEN (chosen by CRINDY).

So, the topic is "open", or the topic is open?Errr

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 14th April 2018, 1:57pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,590 posts

Both.
What's the difference between the Spice Girls and my mother's legs? The Spice Girls MIGHT get back together.
Apologies to my father. I shouldn't make fun of the Spice Girls.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Sunday 15th April 2018, 1:52am
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,484 posts

I was open for a lottery win. This is not my entry. This is a coal hole.

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playfull

  • Sunday 15th April 2018, 6:31am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,470 posts

Can we all stop making 'non entry' posts.

btw this is not my entry...

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Sunday 15th April 2018, 12:54pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,484 posts

Says: Wilco :)

Thinx: 'Feck you' Pirate

Some geezer advises:
THERE SHALL BE NO NON-ENTRY POSTERS AFTER ME

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gappy

  • Monday 16th April 2018, 7:23pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,947 posts

BOSS: Good work, Simmons. [BEAT] Morning, Jenkins, keep at it. [BEAT] Come on, no slacking, Cartwright. [BEAT] Wait, I don't recognise you.

BOB: No.

BOSS: When did you start?

BOB: Oh, very recently. This morning.

BOSS; I see. And where's your uniform?

BOB: Don't have one, really.

BOSS: You should have got one at induction.

BOB: Ah, there we are then, I didn't do induction. Between you and me, I don't strictly work here.

BOSS: I don't get it, lad.

BOB: Yeah, I don't work here, but my dad does. He had something on today, so I thought I'd fill in for a bit.

BOSS: But that's against the rules.

BOB: It's OK, he'll be here soon. And having me is better than having nobody, right?

BOSS: Wrong! I mean, where's your protective gear, your gloves? You need gloves to work here.

BOB: I don't work here, I said. I'm covering for Dad. Just plucking the pheasants, like he would.

BOSS: No you're not. Ignoring the fact that you are not covered by our insurance, and that you're being here is in direct contravention of the guidelines set down by the Unison of Pluckers, Defeatherers and Fowl Strippers, your pheasant plucking is terrible.

BOB: Well, come on, I've only just started. This one's not too bad.

BOSS: It's still got half its feathers. But, what it's not got, is its legs.

BOB: Oh right, yeah. It's a learning curve, really. When I started I didn't know how to pluck pheasants.

BOSS: And this one's not even a pheasant.

BOB: When I started I didn't know what a pheasant was.

BOSS: This is a cat.

BOB: In retrospect, that was obvious. The legs were tough to get off too.

BOSS: A cat is nothing like a pheasant.

BOB: Still, it's closer to a pheasant than my first try.

BOSS: I don't want to know. Your presence here is not only bad for business, it is actually illegal.

BOB: Well, Dad will be along soon, I'll just stay till then.

BOSS: No you'll not! That's it, I'm calling the police.

BOB: The police?

BOSS: Yes, the police will sort you out.

BOB: And what will you tell them?

BOSS: The truth. I'll say there's a man here. He's not the pheasant plucker, he's the [MICRO-BEAT] pheasant plucker's son. He says he's [PAUSE] pluck...ing...pheasants till the [BEAT] pl...ffff...yes, alright, I take your point. Come on, son, let's forget all about it, I'll personally drive you home.

BOB: Right, that actually might be tough.

BOSS: How so?

BOB: Well, you remember when I said I took while to recognise a pheasant?

BOSS: Aargh! My car! You plucked my Mondeo! Security! Set the dogs on this man!

BOB: Yeah, you're going to need some new dogs too.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Wednesday 18th April 2018, 12:22pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,484 posts

Let's just make one up as we go along..

4 hander. Internal. Filming a JunkMales sketch.

DAVE:
I'm SORRY but I'm an AK-tor so yes I'll improv ..but only when the script calls for it. Where's the f**king script, Danny? Mm?

DANNY:
Well, I'm still writing it so ..

MART:
..so f**king get on with it then, arse!

FRANK:
This is so cool, the four us back together again and..

DAVE:
Yes, but with no script, Frankie so pray tell. What's the point of a sketch with no script and in particular one that doesn't ask for improv?

DANNY:
Wait a minute.. almost got..

MART:
The script?

DANNY:
..an idea for a script..

FRANK:
Let's go home.. unless

DAVE:
Unless what, Frankie..

FRANK:
Not what, it's my dog ..he's called 'unless'

MART, DAVE and DANNY all look down at the doggy and nod sagely..

FRANK:
Not bad for an imaginary dog that didn't exist 5 seconds ago!

DANNY:
Err.. oh, forget it!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 19th April 2018, 4:40pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,590 posts

For Non-Songs
Tune: 4 Non-Blondes, What's Up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get out that pigswill of a song
From my f**king system
I heard it sickly back in '92
Tune and words even worse than Brotherhood of Man
F**k, I'd rather hear Wings

I wanna die sometimes
When I'm sliming the bed
Just to get that balls out
Out of my head
And I can't feel up my little meat member.

And so I break up, can't get horny
'What's Up' on my mind
If I'm late my boss says he'll get me fired
And I scream, What a lot of dung's

This f**king song

Cos I still
Haaaaattteee,
Haaaattteee
I still hate
This f**king song

And I still
Haaaaattteee,
Haaaattteee
I still hate
This f**king song

Uhh, uh, uhuhuh uhuhuh
Uhh, uh, uhuhuh uhuhuh

And I try
Oh my God do I try
I try to get this shite
Out my constitution

And I pray
Oh my God do I pray
I pray it won't be played
On my radio station.

I wanna die sometimes
When I'm sliming the bed
Just to get that balls out
Out of my head
And I can't feel up my little meat member.

And so I break up, can't get horny
'What's Up' on my mind
If I'm late my boss says he'll get me fired
And I scream, What a lot of dung's

This f**king song

Cos I still
Haaaaattteee,
Haaaattteee
I still hate
This f**king song

And I still
Haaaaattteee,
Haaaattteee
I still hate
This f**king song

And I still
Haaaaattteee,
Haaaattteee
I still hate
This f**king song

And I still
Haaaaattteee,
Haaaattteee
I still hate
This f**king song

Uhh, uh, uhuhuh uhuhuh

25 years of my life and still
I'm trying to get out that pigswill of a song
From my f**king system

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Crindy

  • Friday 20th April 2018, 1:59pm
  • England
  • 102 posts

INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY

A group of PRODUCERS and WRITERS gather together for a Very Important Meeting.

HEAD PRODUCER
Ok, so the studio were more than happy to greenlight this baby. The public still love comic book movies, so SuperGuy 12 is happening! How's the script coming?

WRITER 1
Great. We still need to figure out a few details, but here's what we've got so far: SuperGuy meets a new bad guy. One that's even more powerful and dangerous than the one in SuperGuy 11. This bad guy wants revenge and/or to rule the world for some reason. And they have a massive fight.

WRITER 2
And we've talked to the guys at special effects. With the advances in CGI technology that have been made since SuperGuy 11, we can make this massive fight even more confusing and hard to follow than the last one!

PRODUCER 2
Hmm. Actually, the focus groups have been telling us that people are starting to get a bit bored with that sort of plot. They think it's getting a bit repetitive.

HEAD PRODUCER
You got anything else?

WRITER 2
Um, well, a couple of films ago, we were kicking around the idea of a new direction. Basically we thought of trying more of a tense thriller-type situation. Heroes become villains, villains become heroes, all those shades of grey. And a complex plot that keeps the audience guessing what might happen next.

PRODUCER 2
Yes! That sounds perfect!

WRITER 2
And then, at the end, there's a massive fight.

HEAD PRODUCER
Why would--? Ok, whatever. Any more?

WRITER 3
Well, I'm getting the feeling you're not sold on this massive fight ending.

HEAD PRODUCER
Very perceptive.

WRITER 3
Ok, so we've had this plot in our lockers for a while. We take away SuperGuy's powers. He loses them, somehow. And then he can't have a massive fight, because he's just a normal guy. He's got to use cunning, reason and intelligence instead. So we get to see brains save the day, rather than brute strength.

HEAD PRODUCER
Ok, yes! That sounds great! How does it end?

WRITER 3
Well, he gets his powers back somehow, and then he--

HEAD PRODUCER
Has a massive fight?

WRITER 3
Exactly!

HEAD PRODUCER
Pass. Anything else?

WRITER 1
Right, fine. How about some real Oscar-bait? SuperGuy takes one the one enemy he can't fight. Disease!

PRODUCER 2
We're listening...

WRITER 1
So, he gets some sort of deadly virus. He's sick, there's proper tear-jerking stuff with his girlfriend at his bedside, tending to him. It looks like he might not make it...

HEAD PRODUCER
I like it!

WRITER 1
And then, to really get the audience engaged, his arch-nemesis gets hold of a sample of the virus and makes it enormous.

WRITER 2
Yeah, like viral cells that are as bit as a building!

WRITER 3
It'll be like a visual allegory for the way disease consumes us all!

WRITER 1
And then...they have a massive fight!

HEAD PRODUCER
Agh! Do you have any ideas that don't just end up with a massive fight?

WRITER 2
Um, well, we've got one where the massive fight happens halfway through.

PRODUCER 2
So what happens at the end instead?

WRITER 1
An even more massive fight.

WRITER 3
Yeah. Makes the previous massive fight seem like a fairly normal-sized fight.

HEAD PRODUCER
No! Come on, you're writers! Let's really push the boat out here!

WRITER 1
Look, we just think that this is what audiences want! They keep coming back, spending even more money on cinema tickets, and Blu Ray Special Editions, and action figures and everything, even though we're basically just making the same film over and over again.

WRITER 2
Audiences don't like to be challenged. They find familiarity comforting. They want to know exactly what's going to happen before the opening credits have started.

PRODUCER 2
Well, I disagree. I think you're insulting their intelligence, and they'd find a genuinely fresh take on the genre to be just what they wanted.

WRITER 3
You're wrong!

HEAD PRODUCER
(darkly)
Well, I guess there's only one way to settle this.

A massive fight breaks out, the writers versus the producers, supplemented with elaborate CGI explosions. It's not clear who wins, but enough loose ends are left behind for a sequel.

THE END

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Patrick Robinson

  • Saturday 21st April 2018, 10:46pm [Edited]
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 76 posts

At work, my boss tells us that his door is always open to anyone. Which is why he was sacked as a prison officer.

Went to an open mic night. Terrible: just a bloke called Michael sharing his feelings for an hour.

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playfull

  • Sunday 22nd April 2018, 4:11pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,470 posts

AT THE NATIONAL ADVERTISING AWARDS CEREMONY A WOMAN HURRIEDLY APPROACHES A BANQUETING TABLE.

ANTONIA: Hi sorry I'm late, have I missed anything? I'm Antonia, Antonia Bickford-Smith. I think this is my seat?

GEORGE: No, you haven't missed anything. It is due to kick off in about ten minutes.

ANTONIA: Thank goodness (SHE SITS).

GEORGE: I am George and this (HE GESTURES TO THE MAN SEATED ON HER OTHER SIDE) is Rupert.

RUPERT: Hi, are you with KPMNORT?

ANTONIA: No, I used to be but now I'm at RPGNNLRDG. You're with DDRKMGFRJK aren't you?

RUPERT: Yes, but they have just merged with DOOLRFFRT to make DDRKMGFRJKDOOLRFFRT.

ANTONIA: Weren't PPTRKKJGLFMUUG trying to get in on that merger?

RUPERT: F**k I hope not.

ANTONIA: And you George who are you with?

GEORGE: I'm with G.

ANTONIA: Oh?

GEORGE: It's a brand new agency.

RUPERT: He's here looking for a partner.

GEORGE: Yes, preferably someone with at least seven letters.

ANTONIA: At the very least.

GEORGE: Are you up for an award?

ANTONIA: Yes, I'm up for 'best effort by a girl'.

GEORGE: Well that's lovely.

RUPERT: Yes lovely. Who's your client?

ANTONIA: 'The British Lard marketing board'. It's an NGO set up by the lard industry to promote the wonderful benefits of natural Lard. I was tasked with coming up with new and exciting ways of promoting the wider use of lard.

RUPERT: 'Ummm isn't Lard lovely?' Was that one of yours?

ANTONIA: Yes.

GEORGE: 'Lard, natures WD40'?

ANTONIA: Yep.

RUPERT: 'Lard, an everyday essential for sex with a pensioner'?

ANTONIA: Yes, that's mine.

GEORGE: 'Try lard soup, with the wonderful taste of warm lard'?

ANTONIA: A big hit that one.

RUPERT: What about 'Lard, just how Grandma used to smell'?

ANTONIA: No, that was 'dripping'.

RUPERT: Is there a difference?

ANTONIA: God! Never ask that at a 'Lard Marketing Board' meeting. Not if you want to keep your front teeth.

GEORGE: Really?

ANTONIA: (SMILES) These four at the front, all false.

GEORGE: Good grief!

ANTONIA: It was my own fault I should have done my homework better. Still I got the account anyway.

RUPERT: How on earth did you manage that?

ANTONIA: Smeared some lard on my gums to stop the bleeding and carried on pitching.

GEORGE & RUPERT: (TOGETHER) Genius!

RUPERT: I can see RPGNNLRDG will need to be adding an A soon.

GEORGE: Steady on Rupert. She's a girl...

ANTONIA: One of my biggest successes so far was in persuading cross channel swimmers to coat themselves in lard before attempting the swim.

RUPERT: I've always wondered why do they do that?

ANTONIA: Me too.

GEORGE: Wasn't Lard linked with premature deaths from heart disease.

ANTONIA: Unfairly linked! The facts just don't support it. I mean Cows are made almost entirely from lard and you don't see them dying from heart disease, do you?

RUPERT: Hang on I think we are starting.

MC: Good evening and welcome to the 2018 advertising industry awards. Tonight's first award is for
'Best effort by a girl'.

GEORGE: Here we go good luck.

MC: This award is sponsored by MKJBDHRF...

RUPERT: Just enough time for a visit to the bar, you coming Antonia?

MC: ...KKJRATDDMTGGHBDHMTGG...

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In the interests of saving the planet this sketch has been recycled from an idea originally used in the 'Make an unfounded claim about the poster above you' thread. Please do not discard unwanted sketches. Take them to a local authority collection centre where they can be recycled or disposed of safely.

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Frankie Mildly Perturbed

  • Monday 23rd April 2018, 4:16pm [Edited]
  • London, United Kingdom
  • 5,484 posts

Crindy or playfull both equal for me.

Got to pick one so it's a toin coss.. Crindy teads / playfull hails

playfull by the toss of a coin!

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playfull

  • Monday 23rd April 2018, 5:21pm
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,470 posts

Pair of tossers...

Nice variety this time. All very good but i think i'm going for Michael, cos it just made me smile.

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