British Comedy Guide

Skankcont 24 - 30.6.17

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Saturday 24th June 2017, 11:16am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

Cool has-beans so congratulations to CRINDY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Crindy
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next subject is HONOUR.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 30.6.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Crindy, Gappy
2 - 10 - me
3 - 5 - Patrick. Otterfox

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gappy

  • Tuesday 27th June 2017, 7:51pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

LUKE: And then the space station crashes into the ice forest - karoom! - and the Istionites charge up to the Palarians and they have a big laser fight - piuuu piuu! - and they are all killed and then a ghost comes in and tells them he's won, somehow. And that's your movie pitch, fella!
EXEC: That's not a movie pitch - where's the plot?
LUKE: Where's the plot? I've been up here telling it to you for about 15 minutes.
EXEC: And most of that was spent going "whoosh"
LUKE: Whoosh! Yeah, that bit's good.
EXEC: But, who are the Palarians? They can't fight until we know who they are.
LUKE: Oh, that stuff. I have a team to do all that crap for me: you're up, guys!
BRANDY: Oh, yeah..right. So, the Palarians, they're like...err...
BRAD: A trade federation.
BRANDY: Yeah, an intergalactic trade federation...from one planet. And they go to the Isionites because they want more trade.
BRAD: Or less.
BRANDY: More or less trade, yeah.
EXEC: Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And what are they like?
BRAD: Mysterious. Inscrutable.
BRANDY: Totally alien.
LUKE: They're Japanese.
EXEC: Meaning..?
BRAD: They have a really, really, strong sense of honour.
EXEC: And?
BRANDY: And...they...like rice.
EXEC: Right, fine. So who are the Isionites?
LUKE: Oh, they're totally different. So different.
BRAD: They're native Americans.
EXEC: So, they do all the things the Injuns do?
LUKE: All of 'em.
EXEC: Like, say, having a really, really strong sense of honour.
BRANDY: Yeah! And,...and all the other stuff too.
BRAD: Beads.
BRANDY: Oh, yes, the beads. That goes without saying.
EXEC: Right. So, this ghost you mentioned?
LUKE: Oh, yeah! He's the kind of spirit of the galactic police monks. They come from all over, and have a special enclave where they all talk together. There's one who used to be a big space gangster before he reformed.
BRAD: He's basically Italian.
BRANDY: Really, really strong sense of honour.
LUKE: And another one who's like a sort of Eskimo.
BRANDY: Big into the honour.
BRAD: We imagine.
BRANDY: Probably.
LUKE: And the lead guy, he comes from the planet Ixplox, which is a lot like, err, Malta.
BRAD: You know how the Maltese are honourable.
LUKE: And the traitor dude is full of Luxembourgeouis honour.
BRANDY: And they all have a big giant fight. About trade.
BRAD: Or no trade.
BRADY: Or no trade. Roll the credits.
EXEC: Right. Well, it sounds great, I think I can promise you a pretty phenomenal pay packet to make this little beauty.
LUKE: Great! Where do I sign?
EXEC: Oh, I've not got a contract, but I promise you'll get paid.
BRAD: How do we know we can trust you?
EXEC: Hey! Come on! I'm from Monaco.
BRAD: Say no more.
BRANDY: Your honour honours us.
LUKE: WHOOOOSH!!!

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Michael Monkhouse

  • Wednesday 28th June 2017, 12:51pm
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 4,704 posts

TRIES AND WHISPERS
The autobiography of Gillian Gilbert
Written by Paul Morley

1970s
The scant askance glance through the joyless and indeed divided yet not atomically miscreated universal upset urinal begetting but not beginning, rather commencing the non statistic but sattitarian sibilance through Joy Division through to and indeed toward Newer Orders and of course the coursed New Oder may be interpreted but not empathised as the Dante mock Virgil movement upwards onwards to hospitals of brinks., yes Gillian?
(Gillian) Er, yes! Ha ha ha!

New Order
Yet in the eighties or shall I reinterpret that, the achings, one could hardly barely fail to bear on 'Brotherhood' a slight light frightened lapsus or lapse and grasp at the paraprostochian otherearthly but always wordy if not worthy greetings greedily bred by Ian despite the misogynistic plasmatic missed ogres nismically misplaced.
(Gillian) Er, yes! Ha ha ha!

Furthermore
Notwithstanding the green mean machine of commercialised unpop rave and grave cultured cult of the floowing decade's dictated decades, or the other two, not revenged as joy division had delved deeper like dolphins in the aegean mists of grime on Manchester man and sibling through child and like mustard, with a sheen at grey dawns like the original band, yes Gillian?
(Gillian) Er, yes! Ha ha ha!

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Crindy

  • Thursday 29th June 2017, 10:35am [Edited]
  • England
  • 116 posts

INT. GREENGROCERS - DAY

A GREENGROCER stands behind the counter. A CUSTOMER enters the shop.

CUSTOMER
Ah, good, you're in.

GREENGROCER
Of course I'm in. The shop's open.

CUSTOMER
I'm here to collect a refund. Do you honour receipts?

GREENGROCER
Well, yes, I suppose so.

CUSTOMER
Good. Here's the transaction I wish to discuss.

The Customer hands over a receipt.

CUSTOMER
As you can see from the date, I purchased said item yesterday, and I'm afraid to say that I'm totally dissatisfied with it.

GREENGROCER
This is a receipt for a 1998 Ford Escort.

CUSTOMER
Yes, it's parked outside. But what I wasn't told when I purchased said item is that one of the tyres is flat and the steering pulls to the right. Completely unacceptable.

GREENGROCER
Right. Ok. I mean, just to clarify, we don't honour any receipt for any item. It's really just fruit and veg.

CUSTOMER
Oh. I see. That sort of game, is it? Well, fortunately I'm also in need of reimbursement for this.

He hands the Greengrocer another receipt.

GREENGROCER
And what is this?

CUSTOMER
That, my good man, as I'm sure you can plainly see, is an itemised registry for every carrot imported into Liechtenstein in the 2016 calendar year.

GREENGROCER
Yes, I can see that--

CUSTOMER
And clearly, said manifest counts as receipt of goods, and clearly said goods were of the fruit and vegetable variety. So, I will be requiring a refund.

GREENGROCER
Ok, well firstly, are you suggesting that you, personally, are the Principality of Liechtenstein?

CUSTOMER
I could be the the Principality of Liechtenstein.

GREENGROCER
But the Principality of Liechtenstein is a landlocked European microstate extending for 60 square miles.

CUSTOMER
Are you calling me fat?

GREENGROCER
I'm just politely disputing your claim.

CUSTOMER
You haven't even asked me for ID.

GREENGROCER
Do you have any ID?

CUSTOMER
I left it in the car.

GREENGROCER
Well, either way, I can't refund this because, believe it or not, this small greengrocers in Chertsey didn't conduct a single piece of export business with the Principality of Liechtenstein during the entirety of the year in question. For carrots or any other variety of root vegetable.

CUSTOMER
But you clearly said--

GREENGROCER
I'm sorry, sir, perhaps I should have been even clearer. We don't honour receipts for any transaction ever conducted involving fruit and veg. It has to be a transaction involving fruit and veg that took place on this particular premises.

CUSTOMER
I see. You're a very stubborn man, you know that? Nevertheless, I do have another document.

He produces a piece of worn and weathered parchment and hands it to the Greengrocer.

CUSTOMER (Cont'd)
Now, as you can plainly see, this is a written record of a transaction for fruit and veg conducted on this very spot. On this spot in 1497, to be precise, by one of my ancestors, when this very area of Chertsey was but a neutral field between neighbouring hamlets, where local farmers and craftsmen would meet up to barter over food and services. That is a receipt for the purchase of six turnips, and as you can see, you owe me a refund of three sacks of manure and a groat.

GREENGROCER
A goat?

CUSTOMER
No, a groat. An English coin worth approximately fourpence. Now, my refund?

GREENGROCER
Well, I can't--

CUSTOMER
You're not even honouring that? Why?!

GREENGROCER
I'm not sure we've got enough time to go through the reasons before I close for the day. But, again, to clarify even further, I only honour receipts specifically for fruit and veg specifically purchased on these premises, specifically during the period that these premises were a fully licensed greengrocers.

CUSTOMER
Well you really should have made that clearer.

The door to the shop opens. A PARKING ATTENDANT enters.

PARKING ATTENDANT
Sorry to interrupt. This Ford Escort is parked without a ticket.

CUSTOMER
That's my car. And I paid for a ticket!

PARKING ATTENDANT
Do you have a receipt?

THE END

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Yacob Wingnut

  • Thursday 29th June 2017, 1:38pm
  • England
  • 705 posts

I rarely read the sketches in these sketch competition threads but I'm impressed with Gappy's and Crindy's work.

What credits do you two have? I'm curious.

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Patrick Robinson

  • Thursday 29th June 2017, 7:20pm
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

What's the worst way to honour a dentist? Memorial plaque.

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playfull

  • Friday 30th June 2017, 9:05pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

TAKUMI: Yuki come quick!

YUKI: What is it Takumi?...Oh, master does not look good.

TAKUMI: No Yuki he does not.

YUKI: Master looks dead Takumi.

TAKUMI: Indeed Yuki, he does.

YUKI: The TV has fallen into his bath?

TAKUMI: It would appear so.

YUKI: His penis is erect Takumi.

TAKUMI: That would be the effect of the electricity in the water

YUKI: Or possibly the effect of the playboy magazine in his hand. His penis is very small Takumi.

TAKUMI: Do not disrespect the master Yuki. His erect penis is mighty! It is a giant penis, a symbol of his power and virility!

YUKI: It is three inches long.

TAKUMI: As I said a veritable giant...for a Japanese man.

YUKI: My grandmother's clitoris is longer.

TAKUMI: Remove the playboy Yuki and then we must prepare ourselves for what we must do next.

YUKI: What we must we do next?

TAKUMI: We have failed our master Yuki, we have failed to protect his life.

YUKI: He was drunk in the bath with a TV blue tacked to the shiny tiles above it. Basically, he pissed on his own chips.

TAKUMI: The code of Bushido demands that as loyal Samurai retainers to a great warrior lord we must pay for our failure.

YUKI: Bushido? Retainers? I am more of a doorman and you...I don't really know what you do apart from the shopping and stealing the masters Saki. And as for him being a great warrior, he was no Yakuza Boss, he ran a chain of pay launderettes that he inherited from his mother

TAKUMI: Honour demands that our only option is to commit Seppuku. I will fetch you a short knife.

YUKI: Me! Why me? Why not you?!

TAKUMI: As senior retainer I alone will bear the greater burden of disgrace by continuing to live with the shame we brought to our master's door. It is the unwritten and unspoken code of Bushido

YUKI: If it is unwritten and unspoken how does anyone know what it is?

TAKUMI: Have you no honour Yuki!?

YUKI: No, but I might have half a chain of launderettes.

TAKUMI: What?

YUKI: I noticed the blue tack under your fingernails.

TAKUMI: Ah...partners?

YUKI: You honour me.

TAKUMI: I will just go and adjust our late beloved master's will whilst you get the Saki. Oh, and in return would you mind introducing me to your fascinating sounding Grandmother?

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gappy

  • Saturday 1st July 2017, 8:59am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts

Best week for ages. :)

Patrick's gag is good, but I do lean towards longer stuff. Michael's parody is spot on, a real Craig Brown vibe and is only being pipped at the post because I couldn't work out how it fit the theme. Pretty much neck and neck between Crindy and Playfull, but I'll go for the former, because there's something about a greengrocer that makes it the archetypal setting for a sketch, and I do love a classic.

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playfull

  • Saturday 1st July 2017, 11:31am
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts

Yeah, what Gappy said...Crindy for me.

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Crindy

  • Saturday 1st July 2017, 11:54am
  • England
  • 116 posts

Yep, great week this week. :) Liked Michael's Paul Morley riff and playfull's buzzer beating sketch was great fun. Special mention to Patrick's gag, but gappy gets my vote, mainly because it's along similar lines to my first thought on this week's subject, but executed a million times better. :) Very honourable.

Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 29th June 2017, 1:38 PM

What credits do you two have? I'm curious.

I have precisely zero credits and currently have about seven comedy pilot scripts queued up on my hard drive awaiting some serious redrafting. Started contributing skits to give me a weekly(ish) deadline to try and instil a bit of a work ethic into me in order to tackle those redrafts. So naturally now all I do is write a skit a week. :D

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Patrick Robinson

  • Sunday 2nd July 2017, 10:11am
  • Birmingham, United Kingdom
  • 126 posts

Crindy for me: "Of course I'm in. The shop's open."my favourite line.

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gappy

  • Sunday 2nd July 2017, 11:27am [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 2,019 posts
Quote: Crindy @ 1st July 2017, 11:54 AM

I have precisely zero credits and currently have about seven comedy pilot scripts queued up on my hard drive awaiting some serious redrafting. Started contributing skits to give me a weekly(ish) deadline to try and instil a bit of a work ethic into me in order to tackle those redrafts. So naturally now all I do is write a skit a week. :D

Flattered at your interest, Yacob.

I also have zero credits, but I've never really submitted anything to anyone. My sketch group has put on 5 hour long shows of audio sketches here in Oxford, and we're currently pulling together material from the toppling pile to make up the 6th. I once wrote a radio sit com that I sent to Writer's Room, but got the generic "read 10 pages" type letter. Recently wrote a visual sit com which it's probably time to revisit, but that's all (apart from 15 years of music journalism, but I don't think that's what you meant).

Oh, and I wrote a fair amount of stuff for two revues when I was in the sixth form, back in the twentieth century. Whistling nnocently

Perhaps Crindy and I should edit each other's scripts, then we'd be unstoppable. :D

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playfull

  • Sunday 2nd July 2017, 2:32pm [Edited]
  • Nottingham, England
  • 1,705 posts
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 29th June 2017, 1:38 PM

I rarely read the sketches in these sketch competition threads but I'm impressed with Gappy's and Crindy's work.

What credits do you two have? I'm curious.

Hi Yacob,

In the interests of full disclosure I would like to add that I too have zero credits (I know you didn't ask).

I would like to take this opportunity to ask yourself or any other readers of this increasingly unusually titled and oddly numbered competition thread to have a go. Or if you are not yet ready to jump in and post an entry then start by having a vote. You don't have to post an entry to vote. every new post or vote will add a bit of life to the thread - God knows the forum needs it!

And once again thanks to Michael for 'show running' it.

Oh, and why hasn't any TV exec picked up on this as a cheap tv programme format? Four comedy celebs performing viewer submitted sketches which are then voted on by the studio audience?