Hi all,
Here is the first 4 pages that I've written for my script "army, apparently". I want to portray the everyday lives of soldiers living on a camp in Germany and the boredom, mischief and hopefully, hilarity that they experience. Something I wanted advice on is the use of swearing. I wanted to be as accurate as possible and swearing is an everyday, hourly even minutely occurrence. Thanks for reading!

EXT. guardroom.night

A coach pulls up. MARK, CHRIS and PHIL Clumsily get off, all three carrying two identical black holdalls and rucksacks. CPL ADAMS Sees the coach and walks out of the guardroom holding a clipboard.

CPL ADAMS
Right, welcome to Germany fellas.

MARK begins to offload his bags onto the floor.

CPL ADAMS
Don't get comfy, we'll head over to the block and get you a pit space sorted.

CPL ADAMS walks straight towards the accommodation as MARK picks up his bags whilst CHRIS and PHIL stagger towards the block.

INT. accommodation block.night

CPL ADAMS leads the new soldiers up one flight of stairs and looks at his clipboard.

CPL ADAMS
Okay, which one of you is SIG NURSE?

PHIL
That's me corporal.

CPL ADAMS hands PHIL a key.

CPL ADAMS
This is your floor. Down the corridor last door on the right. You're sharing with TITCH he's on a course for a few weeks so you've got it to yourself. Try not to wank yourself senseless, we've got an 8 mile run tomorrow morning.

CPL ADAMS walks up another flight of stairs with MARK and CHRIS behind him. CHRIS and PHIL exchange looks before PHIL struggles through a door and then walks toward his room.
They reach the second floor and again CPL ADAMS checks his clipboard.

CPL ADAMS
SIG SMITH?

CHRIS
Yep, that's me CORPORAL

CPL ADAMS
Here's your key, you're end of the corridor, on the left. Sharing with BIBBY. You're not allergic to pork are you?

CHRIS
Er, no, I don't think so

CPL ADAMS
Good, cos he's a f**king pig.

CHRIS grimaces and begins to head down the corridor as CPL ADAMS turns to MARK.

CPL ADAMS
So you must be Deakins. I don't know who you've been selling your arse to but you've blagged the single bunk.

CPL ADAMS leads MARK down the corridor and unlocks his room. MARK walks past him into the room and sets his bags down on the bed. CPL ADAMS notices the delight in his face.

CPL ADAMS
Enjoy it while it lasts, as soon as a single full screw or lance jack comes into the Troop you'll be out of here. Right, as I said before we've got an 8 miler tomorrow, so don't go out and get plastered otherwise Staff McPryce will destroy you.

CPL ADAMS heads down the accomodation stairs and meets four soldiers in NBC suits, gas masks and holding an array of nurf guns walking up.

CPL ADAMS
Jesus Christ, everytime?

TITCH pulls up his gas mask.

TITCH
We need to give them a proper Alpha troop welcome!

CPL ADAMS
just make sure they get to PT with some of their bodily functions in tact.

The three masked soldier and TITCH start walking upstairs

TITCH
Yeah yeah, they'll be there.

CPL ADAMS
Good. I thought you were on a course anyway TITCH?

TITCH
Yeah they had too many people or something so I got binned off.

INT. Marks room. Night

Mark is unpacking his bag and neatly placing clothes on the bed. We hear a bang from downstairs and outside illuminates for a brief second. Mark doesn't notice and presses play on his iPod. He continues to unpack. Minutes later he notices a flash bang roll in and the door close. There's a loud bang and the whole room illuminates in bright light.

EXT. Troop garages. Morning
Alpha troop is stood to attention. They are dressed ready for PT. STAFF SERGEANT MCPRYCE stands pacing angrily before them.

SSGT MCPRYCE
Jesus shagging Christ! I've got three brand new siggys and that fat f**k BIBBY all sat in the medical centre unable to see or hear a God damn thing! They'd only been on camp fifteen cock sucking minutes! the lads at the Somme had a better chance than they did!

SSGT MCPRYCE stops pacing And looks to LT.CHALMERS

SSGT MCPRYCE
Sir, have you got anything you want to say to them?

LT.CHALMERS steps forward

LT.CHALMERS
Er, I completly and utterly agree with everything STAFF MCPRYCE has just said. fifteen, er, cock sucking minutes just isn't enough, well not in my view anyway.

There's silence as SSGT MCPRYCE stares at LT.CHALMERS.

LT.CHALMERS
If the person or persons responsible could come forward and make themselves known, then

SSGT MCPRYCE interrupts. Starring at TITCH.

SSGT MCPRYCE
I could hazard a guess. Mark my words ladies and gentlemen we will get to the bottom of this. Right the boss is going to take you for PT today. I'm going to have to go introduce myself to the new lads through touch alone.

The troop turns and begins to jog out of the troop compound as SSGT MCPRYCE heads back into the garages.

END

Thanks for reading! I was thinking of a mockumentary style with a narrator so people have a chance to easily follow the army terminology etc but as has been said, it's been done to death.
Appreciate any comments!

Hi Jodan,

Well done! I think you've come up with a really good premise with a lot of potential. There's some funny stuff in there, along with some potentially funny stuff after one or two re-writes. Here's my thoughts for what they're worth..

Please abandon the idea of a mockumentary; unless it's integral to plot and to characterisation it will just back you into corners and actually make it feel less 'real'. Lets us live in, and believe the world you've created for us - adding this dimension will take us out of it. The reason it works so well in the office, is that Brent uses the camera to prove he's he's a comedian/management guru. It means Dawn and Tim can't express how they're really feeling other than through body language and Tim uses it/'us'the audience as a sounding board for his personal frustration. It has to work with the characters before you start. Certainly if it's for technical terminology forget it, funny is the thing. There are ways round it via character and clever writing (perhaps one of them is totally useless and clumsy with equipment he's given)

That sort of leads me into the swearing. I bet they do swear, all the time in reality - but you're creating a representation of this world not the world itself. And as Linehan said, it's useful to imagine censorship still exists. It makes you more creative, and funnier if you can't take the most direct route. I would say don't 'not' use it - but be careful with it and creative without it.

CPL ADAMS
Here's your key, you're end of the corridor, on the left. Sharing with BIBBY. You're not allergic to pork are you?

CHRIS
Er, no, I don't think so

CPL ADAMS
Good, cos he's a f**king pig.

This is a situation where you could re-write, lose the fu*k, and make it a lot funnier as a result in my opinion. CPL Adams is the perfect character to utter wonderfully weird insults, and not necessarily swear. I would say it's not worth the payoff in this instance?

Similarly (in terms of creativity, rather than swearing), "don't wank yourself senseless" is a tad lazy. It's a term everyone knows, and I doubt it will get too much of a laugh. To use Linehan again, when Reynolm is just about to orgasm because his phone's vibrating on '10' - he doesn't say "i'm going to blow my load" or something similar, which is a term we'd all know. Reynolm say's "nearly at the station" - which is infinitely better!

Having said that, some of his lines work really well too. I think it's just a case of honing in a little on what justifies swearing in terms of being funny, and what you could be more creative with elsewhere. All in all though I think it's a great start, the direction is clear - I can see the action - most of the dialogue is good and I like the premise. Looking forward to reading more Jodan, good luck.

Will

That's some gold standard critique advice.

I'd agree, steer clear of mockumentary, unless there's a golden reason.

I think it's OK to keep the swearing - we are talking about squaddies after all - but control it: maybe have one character who swears all the time, possibly someone in a position of some authority, and someone else who hates it, such as a squaddie.

I also quite like what's been written, but just make sure some of the characters are exaggerated a bit, and that there are tight plotlines, not just "funny things that happened or got said in the army". Get the plot bedded in straight away.

I woudl also say "are you allergic to pork?" doesn't *quite* work, because people aren't often allergic to pork, are they? How about

-Are you Jewish?
-No, why?
-Because you're going to be living with a pig.

I'm not sure I get the joke.

The one with the leutenant repeating what the sgt said is nice.

But other than that it seems a bit bland and joke free.

I kind of saw it as a light, cheeky sort of thing. If it's suposed to be a gag-fest, then it probably needs a bit of work

Gag fest isn't what most good sitcoms are.

But this feels a little bland, the characters and interactions aren't really there.

Fair enough. I'll agree that I'd like to see these 3 new arrivals with different characters, and for these traits to start being brought into light the second they get off the bus.

hi all,
Thanks for the taking the time to read and leave comments!

Gappy, I agree with the pork allergy joke, I want to have a look at it and try re word it because as has been said it's probably not something you hear. As for the swearing situation I wanted ssgt Mcpryce to more or less be a fowl mouthed brute, who is the polar opposite of lt. Charmers, thought it would create some good situations as the two have to work so closely to motivate and lead the men.

Sootyj, could you give a bit more advice/example on how you would get the characters interacting better? I was also wondering if the lt chalmers, c**k sucking joke comes across clear enough. I wanted it to come out as he can't get enough of doing it.

And wills! yeah I think I'll leave the mockumentary format, I think when you start out as I am, I find it difficult to not emulate my Favourite sitcoms and shows, which the office is one of! But hey, that's why we start writing I suppose, just got to find my own style over time!

As I was writing I thought of this first episode plot basically following Mcpryces investigation into who stole and threw the flash bangs. I thought if I were to write future episode it would set up an interesting relationship between the cheeky character titch and the army loving staff sergeant.

Ok, thanks all!
Jodan

Quote: Jodan @ 3rd January 2015, 5:48 AM GMT

INT. Marks room. Night

Mark is unpacking his bag and neatly placing clothes on the bed. We hear a bang from downstairs and outside illuminates for a brief second. Mark doesn't notice and presses play on his iPod. He continues to unpack. Minutes later he notices a flash bang roll in and the door close. There's a loud bang and the whole room illuminates in bright light.

View original

If I were you, I would start here. This is where the action is, the start of the story. How does Mark react? That will tell us about his character.

I think the early part of the script is simply you trying to introduce your characters. Unfortunately, that isn't very interesting and actually doesn't tell us anything about them. The only one we find out anything about is Titch. The others are all a bit samey, and as Soots says, bland.

Just get started with the action and tell your story. Pretend this is episode 3. If your characters are strong enough, we will get to know them through the way they behave.

Quote: Jodan @ 3rd January 2015, 5:48 AM GMT

Thanks for reading! I was thinking of a mockumentary style with a narrator so people have a chance to easily follow the army terminology etc but as has been said, it's been done to death.
Appreciate any comments!

View original

By all means write in the mockumentary style, but I worry about your reasoning. If people are going to struggle with the army terminology, then it has to go. If your audience doesn't understand, they don't connect, if they don't connect, they don't laugh.

I get the impression you have personal experience of this environment. That is both a help and a hindrance as a writer. Think of your experience as source material only.

In order to make it work as a sitcom, you have to exaggerate it. You have to bring out the parts that everyone can relate to - in short, you have to make the personal experience universal to all.

It is easy to say "ah, but life in the barracks is so funny". Truth is it is not. It is funny to you, it is funny to other soldiers. It will not be funny to me, because I cannot relate to being a soldier. But I can relate to being angry, or scared, or jealous, or excited, or in love. So that is what you need to show me. And then make it funny.

Quote: Jodan @ 3rd January 2015, 5:48 AM GMT

I wanted to be as accurate as possible

View original

That would be a massive mistake, for the reasons outlined above. Use swearing because it drives the plot, reveals character and is funny. Do not do it because it is accurate. Do nothing just because it is accurate.

To go into detail.

1 Comedy is all about subversion, it's about taking a probably unfunny situation and making it absurd to the point of funny.

So too look at 2 military sitcoms.

i It Ain't Half Hot Mum, Windsor Davies is a vast brute of a sergeant lording it over an effeminate, weedy bunch of a gang show.
That he's a pompous, idiot and they're cleverer than him is why it's funny. As their brain outwit his brawn every time,

ii Black Adder Goes Fourth, all characters except Black Adder are grotesque exagerations, of WW1 cliches. Black Adder is a reasonable if selfish 20th century character. The tension between the 2 is where the humour lies.

What you have is R Lee Ermy in Full Metal Jacket. Which was a very small scene in a film and wouldn't have lasted.

2

You have no characters. We hear nothing about the first 3 recruits, I assume they're going to be the centre of the action. We should hear all about them in the first page.

The loud sgt and weedy walt officer are cliches. You can have them but just as counterpoint to real characters.

3

Swearing isn't inherently funny. So a sergeant yelling cock isn't funny, a fundamentalist Christian sergeant pretend swearing and yelling [male chicken] or buttocks might be. If the pope says bollocking c**ts it maybe funny if Sid Vicious says it less so,

4

The sergeant narrates the whole first scene, this is sitcom death. You need to show action, not describe it. Every time someone says he or she says you're doing it wrong. It's ok a few times to have someone narrate a story in it's self like Del Boy talking about his and Rodders old mum. But not to often, most of the time it should be counterpoint. e.g. someone describing something that happens, but they're an unreliable narrator we see they're wrong. e.g. Dapper Laughs makes a joke about chatting up birds and then a woman runs him over with a steam roller.

Quote: Jennie @ 4th January 2015, 1:18 AM GMT

It is easy to say "ah, but life in the barracks is so funny". Truth is it is not. It is funny to you, it is funny to other soldiers. It will not be funny to me, because I cannot relate to being a soldier. But I can relate to being angry, or scared, or jealous, or excited, or in love. So that is what you need to show me. And then make it funny.

View original

excellent point.

Quote: sootyj @ 4th January 2015, 9:25 AM GMT

excellent point.

View original

I agree - it's what I was trying to say, but Jennie did it far, far better.

I'll 'third' that, great point.

Oh you guys

My best ever sketch is about a particular form lawyers have to fill in before a trial. It is bloody HILARIOUS.

Hilarious if you have to fill those forms in several times a week.

Otherwise - not so much.

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the great advice. I'm going to start re working it, come out with a better opening and then hopefully follow suit for the rest of the script! Jennie, the advice you gave about thinking of it as the third episode is great, It makes the whole process a lot clearer to me! Thanks all, ill let you know how It goes!
Jodan

Hi everyone, this is a rewrite of the opening few pages I posted before. I'm hoping the advice I was given comes through. As can be seen its is pretty much a different opening entirely. Fingers crossed it's got more gags, the characters are interacting and are established better and it keeps you reading!
One question I'd love to be answered is the use of nicknames. Should I be using the full name or nickname when it comes to writing the dialogue, for this post ive used their full names. Thanks

INT. Accomodation block. Morning
A door opens and Private Craig "TITCH" Titcheson is on the other side. His beret and uniform are all dishevelled. He looks tired and hungover. He steps out of his room and into the corridor. Private Phil "PENIS" Nurse follows him out of the room looking fresh and sprightly.

Pte nurse
What the hell did you bring back last night, sounded like you were trying to stuff Brian Blessed with a live pig.

There's a grunt and squeaking of bed springs. Both look into the room where there's a large woman struggling to lift herself up of the bed. She picks up last nights kebab, smells it and starts eating. There's electrical tape all over the floor. Pte Nurse looks back at Pte Titcheson horrified.

Pte titcheson
You're not far off, thought I woke up in a bloody zoo.

PTE NURSE
Well It definitely smells like one in there. Make sure you crack a window.

PTE TITCHESON
To be fair, she didn't look that bad until the tape came off.

PTE NURSE
What?! The tape was wrapped around her?

PTE TITCHESON
Yeah, I guess she's conscious about her body or something. Still, it got most of the back hair off. At least She won't need to use her fee for a wax!

Pte Titcheson notices Pte Nurse' face drop, immediately realising he's said too much.

PTE TITCHESON
I mean..

PTE NURSE
Sweet Jesus! You paid for that?!

PTE TITCHESON
She was the cheapest!

PTE NURSE
There's little wonder why! Bloody hell Titch, I'm half expecting Attenborough here in a minute to film it's eating habits.

PTE TITCHESON
Thank God he wasn't here for the mating habits, nobody should have to witness that. She did weird..

Pte Titcheson gets cut off as we hear a door loudly slam downstairs and we hear inaudible shouting. The shouting gets louder and we hear Staff Sergeant Chris McPryce as he comes up the stairs and rounds onto the corridor. Pte Titcheson quickly turns around and locks his room door.

SSGT MCPRYCE
You think you can leave that shagging mess on my camp?!

PTE TITCHESON
Staff, that's hardly fair she maybe a bit large but..

Pte Titcheson is cut off again.

SSGT MCPRYCE
Don't you interrupt me Titcheson! Now get down there and with the speed and grace of a thousand greased gazelles, get that shambles sorted! I've worked too long and too hard to let someone as thick as shit and twice as ugly ruin today!

EXT. Accomodation block. Morning
Ssgt McPryce, Pte Titcheson and Pte Nurse walk out of the accomodation block. They walk passed a sign that reads "Alpha troop open day! See what we'll be doing in Iraq! Your welcome!" We then see Pte Titchesons black Renault Clio With the number plate "M3 Sh4g" abandoned in the middle of tents, food stalls and people carrying bits ready for the days events, the passenger door is still open with vast amounts of McDonald's wrappers falling out. We see birds eating bits of chips and burgers.

SSGT MCPRYCE
I've got Cpl Adams bringing two panzers over in a minute, if this ain't gone by then I'll tell him to crush the bastard. You got that?

PTE TITCHESON
Yes staff.

Staff McPryce walks away barking directions to anyone and everyone. Pte Titcheson and Pte Nurse begin clearing up the burgers and shooing away birds. Pte Nurse looks around at the registration plate.

PTE NURSE
Em, three, shag?

PTE TITCHESON
Yeah, me shag.

Pte Titcheson notices the confusion in Pte Nurse' face.

PTE TITCHESON
They didn't have shag me, so I had to settle for that.

PTE NURSE
You're settling a lot at the minute mate.

Pte Nurse steps back to get a better view of the number plate.

PTE NURSE
This doesn't even work, me shag?! You sound like some prehistoric rapist.

PTE TITCHESON
Least I'd be a trend setter.

PTE NURSE
Oh yeah, you've set some really great trends, caveman rape and paying fatties for sex. Speaking of which, that lass must be a genius, getting blokes to pay her for a rooting is pretty incredible marketing.

PTE TITCHESON
Bloody hell Penis, she's still up there if you wana try get your Tongue even further up her arse.

PTE NURSE
Nah I'm good cheers, I saw what she was eating this morning, it's gota come out some time!

PTE TITCHESON
She better wait till she can get to a bog before she unleashes the aftermath of that diet. Anyway, she can't be that much of a genius, she's not even realised she's locked in there yet.

END

Thanks for reading! As ever comments appreciated.
Cheers,
Jodan