BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Royal Navy has dispatched medical ship RFA Argus to assist in the fight against Ebola. A spokesman said it represents good value for public money but anyone needing treatment will first have to fill out a request form with a ridiculously small pen.
2. Justice Secretary Chris Grayling has announced tougher punishments for internet trolls. These could include community service, up to 2 years in prison and being tossed of a bridge by a really big goat.
3. With reports that Gonzolo has arrived in Bermuda, we'll be taking a look at where some of the other Muppets go on vacation.
4. DJ Mike Reid has released a Calypso style song supporting UKIP but his performance has led to accusations of racism. An ex-Radio 1 DJ accused of racism? That makes a refreshing change.
5. A paralysed man has received pioneering surgery transplanting cells from his nose into his spine. A spokesman said 'Seeing him walk again is amazing but we can't wait to see how well he runs.'
6. In China it's common for people to adopt an English name when dealing with the west. State media recommends avoiding anything rude, offensive or sounds like a stripper. E.g. Kitty Wang, Jonny Dong and Knicker-less Clegg.
TV/RADIO LISTINGS:
1. At 8.00 on 2 we travel back to the time of the Pharaohs to discover what it was like on the cook's day off in: Rameses Kitchen Nightmares.
2. At 9.00: A fly on the wall documentary about Bill Clinton's first grandchild. Brand new: Made In Chelsea.
3. Follow the trials and tribulations of a group of young gardeners as they prepare to enter the local rudest shaped vegetable competition. After the watershed: Sexy Beets.

So recorded but cut in Ep5 remains the highpoint for me. Congrats to all who got on S11.

BREAKING NEWS:

The Queen has delivered her first tweet - almost sixty-six years after delivering her first twit.

Artificial intelligence is the biggest threat to human life, warns Tesla's Elon Musk - right before being strangled by a car battery.

Tony Blair denies awkward comments denigrating Ed Miliband, insisting he was quite comfortable making them.

A survey has revealed that more Britons believe in aliens than believe in God, and, in a welcome boost for the SNP, that more aliens believe in God than believe in Briton.

More bad press for Tesco as the design on buttermilk packaging in their Irish branches looked suspiciously like male genitalia. Matters were not helped when regional manager Donagh McNally insisted his creamy buttermilk was still safe to swallow.

A man charged with owning footage of a woman having sex with a tiger was cleared when prosecutors playing the video heard the tiger saying 'That's Grrrrrreat!' - since everyone knows real tigers are notoriously stingy with compliments.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

Next on BBC One, Nick Knowles stubbornly ignores the pains in his chest in "DIY SOS DOA".

Tonight on CBS Action, Captain Picard and his crew are showing their years in "Star Trek: The Vexed Generation".

Coming soon to the Discovery Channel, it's the show about fish with winning personalities, "Friendliest Catch".

@Eoin the tiger one was the highlight for me. Very nice indeed. Similarly to you my highlight was recorded but cut from episode 4.

Here are my latest oneliners:

• 1. We posed the question to a leading group of physicists as to how big space actually is - the agreed consensus was: absolutely bloody huge.

• 2. Motorists are advised to drive with extra care as it is due to be very early out there in the morning.

• 3. Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert insists that striker Christian Benteke needs six or seven games to achieve top form. A source revealed that three of these games are scrabble, connect four and buckaroo.

• 4. Local man who has recently grown fangs is probably nothing to worry about claims man who grew fangs.

• 5. Locals claim that Louisiana's vanishing voodoo culture is all down to voodoo.

• 6. Local man injured by Rottweiler after the dog shot him in the arm.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An engineer from Liverpool is set to make billions having re-invented the wheel. Middle Managers everywhere are kicking themselves.
2. The influence of stars like Jessie J and Mel B has spread to previously un-speculated heights as the Queen signs her first tweet; Elizabeth R.
3. An asteroid has passed the earth at a distance of 100,000 miles. Which is quite close. Apparently.
4. The classic song Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen has topped a pole of popular songs to listen to when you're unwell. Other Queen songs that failed to make the chart were: I'm Going Slightly Mad, Sheer Heart Attack and Another One Bites The Dust.
5. Shakespeare placed on Bard caller list.
6. Boris Johnson denies he is The Stigg. In other news, Nick Clegg claimed he is the Stigg, but no one was really listening.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:
1. At 7.00 on BBC3 a documentary following workers for the World Health Organisation as they fight the Ebola crisis in: WHO Doctor.
2. Later on BBC Parliament: The Muppet Show.
3. Later, catch up with the backchat, the sass and the cocky arrogance as we follow the progress of a group of youngsters as they fail repeatedly to grasp what's required of them in modern society. At, 9.00, The Apprentice.