I kinda liked this. It had a really nice rhyming quality, except you lost the rhyme in a few places. I think this had the potential to win it if the rhymes were spot on. Unfortunately it lost the flow in a few places. Either you didn't read it out or I'm not reading the flow right (maybe it wasn't meant to rhyme).
I thought this had the potential to be very good
really nice!!! I would have maybe have tried to hide the punchline make it more of a surprise bigger impact.
Rather than having Ken asking about Isa, it might have been better having had Marie talking about her not calling in 3 days etc. I think if you did that it might have hidden the punchline (which is very good) more and make it much bigger impact.
I can't remember what your first version was but it really made me laugh. Shame, if you kept it, you would have got my vote. Short, different and funny! Just preferred the first version.
really quite nice in parts. Liked the concept , The character of #2 got lost though, was liking his not botheredness. #1 was escalating with his ridiculousness (which was good). Was really liking that and would have preferred if you escalated #2's lack of caring. I don't think you needed to expand why he wasn't bothered. It was the escalation of the ridiculousness and the fact that #2 wasn't bothered that was making it funny. When you made #2 more vocal, I felt the characters changed and it got lost in the ending. Only my opinion. Got the potential to be a nice little sketch though.
You write characters quite nicely Gappy, was getting the feeling of them from the writing.
nice, agree with johnny. would prefer if it was longer and escalated a bit more.
liked the death. happiest day of his life became his saddest. also liked the feeling of it, read like a proper obituary with some nice little lines in there. I liked the "damn you flanders" but would have preferred it if you linked it to the death because it sits on it's own at the moment. nice one!!!
nice dialog work, didn't get any sense of the characters though.
For me, Craig wins