British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 4 - 11.4.13


Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 4th April 2013, 9:01am [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,456 posts

Congratulations to ME for winning this time. I'll celebrate and PM myself for the next topic. I won't really, I'm joking.

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
1 - 5 - Gappy
Special mention: Funny Johnny

Your new subject is OBITUARIES (suggested by GAPPY).

One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 11.4.13

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

30 - 1 - Gappy
15 - 2 - Michael Monkhouse
10 - 3 - Otterfox


Michael Monkhouse

  • Thursday 4th April 2013, 11:39am
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,456 posts


by Michael Monkhouse


PRIEST Dearly beloved, and you over there, we are gathered here to celebrate, commemorate the death of Richard Briers. The Tooth Fairy came and broke both her arms. Dick was the star of our greatest sitcoms, and 'The Good Life'. Which he no longer has. Jesus said, 'Love thy neighbour', so I moved next to a Kindergarten. And as my colleagues say to our nads as we stand outside it, We all stand...
Ah farceur, with parts on telly's
'Monarch of the Glen',
'The Good Life's dung,
Though Ms Kendall's bum
is worth a bit of caressin'.
You joked all day till you were dead
in 'Ever Decreasing Circles',
'Hamlet', 'Much ado About Nothing' and 'Twelfth Night'
'Roobarb and Custard', that was all right;
but 'The Good Life' was evil.
Though Felicity's was the nice bum,
The hooters, pretty horny,
And that Richard Briers,
Oh yeah.



  • Thursday 4th April 2013, 1:42pm [Edited]
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,925 posts

1: Oh, look, have you seen this in the paper?

2: What?

1: That big fella's died.

2: What big fella?

1: You know, the one who ran all those newspapers and that. Charles Kane.

2: Hmmm.

1: Here, it tells you all about what he did - his newspapers, political career, buying crazy statues by the hundredweight - look.

2: Maybe later.

1: What, aren't you interested in this big old newspaper fella?

2: Not really.

1: But it says here about the opera house he built for his wife, who couldn't sing: classic!

2: Yeah, right. [BEAT] What were his last words?

1: What?

2: Does it say what his last words were? Because that's the only thing that really interests me about this story.

1: doesn't say.

2: Not interested then.

1: They were probably "Argh", or "I feel funny", or "Can I have a statue?": what does it matter?

2: I just feel it's the only thing that can possibly interest me about this massive piece of news. Without his last words, I don't feel I know him.

1: You don't know him! He was a mad billionaire who lived in a mega-castle in America. He didn't go to Zumba. How could you know him?

2: Yeah, but what does it tell us about a man, eh? All these facts. All this biography. This in-depth obituary feature. No human interest, is there?

1: He was human, wasn't he? Can't get more human than that. He even ran for Governor.

2: Don't care.

1: Then he lost because he was having an affair. Except he wasn't even having an affair.

2: Not bothered.

1: Then he got divorced and married the other woman anyway, that's fascinating.

2: Pfft. I told you, I want human interest.

1: And he had a great big house, with all servants, and art, and a zoo.

2: A zoo?

1: Yeah.

2: Are there pictures?

1: Course. Look, some giraffes, a monkey. I think that's a manatee.

2: Brilliant! Give it here! Aah, look at all the lickle animals. That's what I call some proper journalism.

1: Yeah. Oh, Christ! I've just seen the back page - the England captain's been sacked!

2: Really? Wow, give me all the juicy details! Like, what's his favourite colour?



  • Saturday 6th April 2013, 1:48pm [Edited]
  • England
  • 13 posts

BBC News Announcer

We're saddened to announce the death of Her Majesty The Queen.
The Queen is one of the most loved and dedicated monarchs to ever reign.
Always there for her subjects whenever we needed to errrrr post things (beat) or buy stuff.

We'll miss her big royal face on our letters and coins.
Well at least her right cheek, we've never seen her left cheek.
She seemed to have had a tattoo of a lion or a big gate thing where her left cheek should be.
She probably should have seen a doctor about that, maybe that's what killed her.

Anyways the world moves on. The biscuits and jam guy will take over from her.
And we will need much bigger coins and stamps to accommodate his great big ears.
It won't be the same!!!!
Long live email and paypal!!!!

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Nil Putters

  • Saturday 6th April 2013, 3:00pm [Edited]
  • A galaxy far, far away or, England
  • 28,679 posts



Jakob Jensen

  • Saturday 6th April 2013, 3:10pm
  • Denmark
  • 201 posts

Homer J. Simpson. ( J is for Jay) 1986-2013

It is with sadness that we announce the passing of wonderful familiy man and safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Homer J Simpson.

Homer passed away shortly after the opening of an all-you-can-eat doughnut shop in his hometown Springfield. What was later being said was his happiest day in his life also became the saddest.

We find peace in knowing that he died doing what he loved; eating doughnuts at a very cheap price.

Homer was the loving husband of Marge and father of Maggie, Lisa and Bart.

In his will he only had one wish to be carried out unbound his death and that is what his last words in his obituaries should be:

My last words by Homer J Simpson:

"Damn you Flanders"

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  • Saturday 6th April 2013, 7:33pm
  • Malaga and Brighton, United Kingdom
  • 2,221 posts

"The world mourns Nelson Mandela,legendary statesman, personification of Freedom, who vanquished apartheid and led a nation, finally to succumb to pneumonia at the grand old age of -"
"He's out of hospital."
"Bastard! Aaagh!" (FALLS OVER AND DIES)


Judgement Dave

  • Monday 8th April 2013, 7:08pm
  • Manchester, England
  • 498 posts

DId you know about Thatcher when you picked the topic?

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Nil Putters

  • Monday 8th April 2013, 7:39pm
  • A galaxy far, far away or, England
  • 28,679 posts

Edited my entry ;)


Craig H

  • Tuesday 9th April 2013, 1:37pm
  • Scotland
  • 919 posts

A husband (Ken) and wife (Marie) in their late 80s are sitting in their home. Ken is reading the paper, Marie is knitting.

Nope love, not a soul. Not a single person we know! Bloody obituaries! I mean why bother if there's nobody in it that anyone actually knows.

That's about six weeks running dear.

Forty...six...days! I mean there's probably some old sod in a bath or something.

Aye, you would think. I mean 46 days is a long time for nobody to die is it not?

It's ridiculous. I KNOW there's dead people out there love. I know it.

Some poor beggar just waiting to be moved on.

Ken (pulls down the paper and sneaks eyes over the top)
Hold that thought....What....about....Isa!?


She hasn't phoned you in three days. Woman's been like bloody clockwork for the passed forty years. Six o'clock, every day, without fail.

Christ, you're right! You're right Ken. Oh...Isa! (covers mouth)

Oh, ya dancer!

Ken! That's terrible. Will I phone her?

You bloody will not! And ruin my paper tomorrow.


Jakob Jensen

  • Friday 12th April 2013, 2:01am
  • Denmark
  • 201 posts

Michael Monkhouse.
Liked the first half of the sketch. Especially the joke about love your neighbor.

Interesting story with several funny moments. Yet the dialogue is a little flat. Maybe it has to do with the two people are talking laidback in their livingroom about the news topics.

Funny observations. Maybe works better as stand up material than a sketch.

Funny stuff, could be interesting if you took It further and made him survive some more death declarations. Maybe make them stuff him in the end and pretend his is still alive....maybe they already have done that in real life. ;) But ok he is not a easy target for comedy.

Craig H
Nice sketch. I think you can make it even funnier with some fine tuning.

My vote goes to Craig H.

Yeah how did you predict Thachers death gappy? You and Nil Putters are not going final destination on us or what?


Steve Sunshine

  • Friday 12th April 2013, 2:40am [Edited]
  • Dagenham, England
  • 14,457 posts

I've been working on this obituary for ages Paul do you think it really sums his life up

Yeah It's fine, but it's a bit reverential in places.

I was going for reverential

Well in that case it's not reverential enough.

Well it's difficult isn't it, was he the son of God or not?

Well you've put allegedly so you've covered all your bases, all you need to do now is gag it up a bit.

Gag it up? Paul our friend has died, not just our friend but perhaps the saviour of all humanity.

I know, I'm sorry, what you've got there is perfect a fitting tribute to a dearly missed friend.

As long as it mentions how handsome I am I don't mind.

Oh you're back... I think you can take out the allegedly Peter.

I hate this F***ing job sometimes


Oops missed the deadline
Oh well it's kind of the same day.



  • Friday 12th April 2013, 1:25pm
  • Oxford, England
  • 1,925 posts

Nice to have a decent sized selection to chose form again. Laughing out loud I think I'll plump for Craig.


Michael Monkhouse

  • Friday 12th April 2013, 2:19pm [Edited]
  • Eternal City, Italy
  • 3,456 posts

Another for Craig.
PS I didn't know about Thatcher either. The first tribute came from Berlusconi, he f**ked with miners too.


Teddy Paddalack

  • Friday 12th April 2013, 2:44pm
  • Everton, England
  • 2,354 posts

I'll plump for the slightly illegal Sunshine caper, it was late but it got there for me.

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