I'm afraid I'm new to all of this, the site and the whole thread concept so please forgive my inherrent clunkiness. Here is one of the sketches I submitted to sketch factor that didn't cut the mustard. Any feedback would be appreciated (well, I say that now). Hell, I've only been writing for a decade, to think if I really have been s**t all that time...

FX: GENERAL BACKGROUND NOISE AT A BOOK LAUNCH: CHATTING, LAUGHTER, GLASSES BEING FILLED ETC. THE CLATTER OF STILETTO HEELS.

CLEO
Mind if I talk to you while my mate's in the loo?
DAN
Well.....
CLEO
I've never been to a book lunch before?
DAN
Book launch.
CLEO
Are you famous?
DAN
Apparently not.
CLEO
What do you do?
DAN
I'm an author.... Actually, it's... my book we're launching.
CLEO
Ooo, get you. Wos it called again?
DAN
Man Boobs, Mistresses and Masturbation: The Anatomy Of A Mid Life Crisis.
CLEO
Not very catchy.... What's it about?
DAN
It's an amusing but highly personal account.... of a mid life crisis.
CLEO
O.... Don't think I've read it.
DAN
I'd be.... surprised.
CLEO
Cheeky.... I can read you know....

DAN
Sorry, no.... It's just that it only came out today.... Hence... the Launch.
CLEO
I'm thinking about writing a book.
DAN
Really?
CLEO
A biography.
DAN
O... Whose?
CLEO
Mine, silly.
DAN
Right. Sorry.
CLEO
It's OK. You don't recognize me do you?..... All wrapped up in your own little world.

DAN
Sorry.... Bit of a recluse when I'm writing.... Forgive me but.... you don't seem old enough......
CLEO
But I'm a celebrity.... I'm Cleo.... Cleo from Big Brother.... Recognize me now?
DAN
Sorry. I.... don't watch.
CLEO
You don't watch Big Brother?
DAN
No.
CLEO
Everybody watches Big Brother though.
DAN
Apparently not everybody.
CLEO
'I'm a Celebrity...'?
DAN
So you said.
CLEO
No. 'I'm A Celebrity.. Get Me Out Of Here.'
DAN
I think it's almost over.... In fact.... I'm sure some of the guests buggered off as soon as the champagne ran out.
CLEO
No silly. The TV Programme.
A PAUSE.
CLEO
Maybe you've seen my picture in the papers?
DAN
Don't think so. Which ones?
CLEO
The topless ones.
DAN
Which.... papers.
CLEO
I've got a web site now and everything. My Agent says....

DAN
You've got an agent?
CLEO
Godda have an agent, silly.... He says I could move up from being 'D' list to 'C' list by the end of the year.... I just need to milk the publicity.... Jade Goody's my absolute hero.
DAN
Heroine?
CLEO
You're not very discreet are you.... I'm strictly alcohol and fags at the moment..... I'm only nineteen.
DAN
I meant...
A PAUSE.
CLEO
(distracted and excited)
Did ya see..... Was that Elvis?... My mum'll never believe it.... Was 'im wasn't it?
DAN
I'm not sure he was on the guest list.
CLEO
I've got to go and meet him. I'll see ya.... Good luck with the book.

FX: STILETTO HEELS DISAPPEARING.
AGENT
That was Cleo wasn't it? I didn't know you knew her?
DAN
I don't....
AGENT
She's just been offered six figures to write her life story....
DAN
Six figures?.... But I don't get anywhere near that.... And I'm a best-selling author.
AGENT
I know. I have to live on 15% of what you get.
DAN
Surly I've got more talent... in the... cheeks of my bottom....

AGENT
It's not about talent. If she had talent, she'd be 'Cleo from The X Factor'....
DAN
You're saying that in order to be successful, I need to get my tits out on national television?
AGENT
Christ no.... If you got your tits out on national television, it's only going to freak people out....
DAN
But I've had a book at the top of the best seller list.... Even without the support of Richard and Judy.
AGENT
Dan.... No offence.... But she's..... a celebrity.
DAN
But what does that make me?
AGENT
An overweight, middle-aged author with a couple of best selling novels.... O, and... crap tits.
DAN
You're my agent. Can't you do something about it?
AGENT
You mean some sort of re-branding with.... less emphasis on integrity and... more on hard cash?
DAN
Any thoughts?
AGENT
Can you sing?
DAN
Uh hu.
AGENT
Could you pretend to have tourettes?
DAN
F**k off.
AGENT
That's the idea.

I liked it but maybe cut to the jokes faster by making it less fluffy at the beginning. Highlight the funny lines and think of a way to get to them asap. It got better and better and the ending is good altho non-BB viewers would maybe miss the reference (they do exist, i'm one, although i wrote a novel around the theme).

The main thing to do would be to tighten it up, I think it goes on a little to long.

I'm with the previous posters. There are some very good lines but it takes a while to get to them. On the principle of "get in quickly, do the funny, then get out quickly", you get out really well, but possibly get in a bit slowly. Can you lose some of the detail in the early exchange? It comes to life when we find out she was on BB - before then I think a lot is cuttable.
But what do I know? - I didn't even get the Sketch Factor rejection email, never mind the second stage invitation.

Yeah, again, shorten it a bit, but very good. Would have suited a more Two Ronnies-style extended sketch format very nicely!

Just think 'BBC? Radio 4? 6.30 slot?' and read again.

Quote: Croydesponger @ November 8, 2006, 8:30 AM

Just think 'BBC? Radio 4? 6.30 slot?' and read again.

View original

BBC Radio 4 at 6.30 was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it. So, well done me. I think. They have some good stuff on then. And some not so good too of course.

Okay Steve, I'll spell it out. I'm not a pro. but this is what I was trying to say:
a) BBC producers probably won't be too inclined to use plugs (even in jest)for rival channels.
b)Radio 4 tends not to go for swearing / profanities and their target audience has probably never heard of Jade Goody!
c)The 6.30 slot they recorded the pilot for(if you listened to it) was just in a different place I thought - punchier really.

That's not necessarily to say your sketch was bad; to me it's just a case of target practice. I'd say it was more boozed-up Newsrevue audience material.

Quote: Croydesponger @ November 8, 2006, 10:28 PM

Okay Steve, I'll spell it out. I'm not a pro. but this is what I was trying to say:
a) BBC producers probably won't be too inclined to use plugs (even in jest)for rival channels.
b)Radio 4 tends not to go for swearing / profanities and their target audience has probably never heard of Jade Goody!
c)The 6.30 slot they recorded the pilot for(if you listened to it) was just in a different place I thought - punchier really.

That's not necessarily to say your sketch was bad; to me it's just a case of target practice. I'd say it was more boozed-up Newsrevue audience material.

View original

Ah, there you go you see, completely missunderstood your comment. I agree about the swearing, I envisaged it would be bleeped out but when I wrote it initially with the bleeps, it made less sense. Then trying to put in an indication that I wanted the swearing to be bleeped out really interrupted the flow. I did hear the pilot and, to be honest, didn't really rate most of it. Punchier yes, funny, not really in my view. Although my mife doesn't understand why I keep saying blasphemous aubergine every time I make moussaka.

For the swearing (tourrets) perhaps "f-f-f-f-cabbage"
Just an idea, or any other favourite out-of-context word.

I like the idea, but the swearing was supposed to be a genuine response to what Dan considered to be a degrading suggestion, not him demonstrating that he could pretend to have tourettes. Was supposed to be misconstrued by his agent. But if I'm having to explain the joke, it clearly wasn't working. Thanks for the comments by the way.

No, i think it did work at the end, but it just wouldn't get broadcast at 18.30 thats all. the c**ts.

I liked this sketch and the subject matter.

In common with others here I think it was a bit too long as it seems that short and snappy are the watch words these days (don't necessarily agree myself though but thought this could take a bit of pruning)

Liked the swearing gag and as was suggested the f-f-f-cabbage might have kept the bleepers at bay.

I don't know if I've been shooting myself in the foot but one of the reasons I was going for a bit of length (add your own sound effect), was to give myself more opportunity to demonstrate that I could (hopefully) be funny. I believe that there are enough 'jokes' in the whole thing to justify it's length. And the rules stipulated a maximum of 700 words and it is less than this. I think there is a requirement for longer sketches to break up shorter ones or the whole thing gets difficult to appreciate over a half hour slot.

I agree with you and I have frequently argued the same myself. Some people who have asked for material from me or who have commented on what I have sent on spec have made the "too long" comment although in performance time terms we are probably talking about 15 seconds versus 20 seconds.

I find it frustrating sometimes that some commissioning editors subscribe to the view that people speak in sound bites.

My comment about pruning your sketch was made only because it lost my attention for a bit about halfway through as the content of the gags was a bit similar for a while.

I sometimes think that the perfect sketch may be.

A man walks into a room and then walks out again saying nothing and doing nothing