Ploughing on with my new idea here.
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So what is it with this place and dogs? We absolutely adore them here don't we? Buggered if I know why, I hate the bastards......I'll just take a break for a minute or so while most of the audience leaves (pause) Bye you three!
Right where was I? Oh yeah dogs. I can't stand them...well not so much the dogs but the people who own them really.
I'm walking down the street and I see some complete arse and his young daughter with an Alsatian coming the other way. Too late the Alsatian’s seen me so it immediately trails the 10 year old girl who's holding the lead - why's it never the arse holding the lead? why's it always the bloody kid? - anyway she's flat out being dragged against lamposts and parked cars as the hound drags her half way down the road keen to get at me.
And why do people think that their ten year old daughter will be able to control an evil hell-beast when it decides it's spotted lunch?
Anyway I decide to take evasive action and run the other way screaming. But of course by this time the dog's got free of the kid and is closing in on me fast. I feel its paws on my back and I'm knocked to the ground. Next thing I feel its hot breath on my neck as it attempts to turn me over as a prelude to ripping my throat out.
Then through a haze of terror I'm vaguely aware of a distant voice calling out "Satan no!! Come here! Leave him Satan!" and as if by some kind of magic Satan leaves me alone and scampers back to the arse and his daughter.
I pick myself up and dust myself down just in time for arse, daughter and Satan to arrive.
"You were lucky there mate" says the arse. "Lucky!?" I splutter. "How do you work that one out?" "Lucky I was here to call him off" he says.
Then he goes on to tell me that Satan’s not normally like that and that I must have made a sudden move that startled him. And then out comes the classic.
"He wouldn't have harmed you anyway mate. He'd gum you to death quicker. He's a big soppy sod"
Arrrrgggghhhhh!... If I had a gun.
But it's not only the big vicious ones. There's the yappy little ones too aren't there? You’re in the park and it's Dobermans and Rottweilers everywhere and none of them on a lead - but it looks like just for once they are all behaving themselves.
And then it happens.
Some wally comes into the park with a rat of some sort. He lets it off the lead and what's the first thing it does?
Yep! It starts yapping and then runs over and tries to shag one of the Rottweliers and then world war three breaks out. Pandemonium! - as a mass dogfight erupts and sends everybody scattering for cover.
Picnic baskets knocked over, small children picked up and shaken wildly before being dropped into the boating lake. It's like bloody Armageddon!
I’m terrified and looking down on the scene from the roof of the bandstand. I've managed to get up there double quick before one of the Dobermans tries to gum me to death. And there's no way I'm coming down. Not until the ten year olds have got all the dogs back on the leads again anyway.
I was in Essex the other week standing in the middle of Colchester. I saw this bloke and his girlfriend walking down the street. Him - Burberry three-piece suit and matching baseball cap. Her – Coco Channel sunglasses, white pedal pushers, red six-inch stilettoes and a black D&G top.
They had a Pit-bull terrier with them in a diamond encrusted harness and it was carrying the baby in its mouth. As they passed by I heard her ask him:
“Ere Dal, do you fink our Kylie’s all right wiff Ripper? She ain’t gonna upset him is she?” Dal looked her and replied “Don’t worry babes he’s ‘ad ‘is dinner ‘fore we come out like”
I couldn’t believe it. A chav couple actually worried about their child. That’s gotta be first hasn’t it?
Anyway what do we see in them? Dogs I mean, they’re a bloody menace.
Just before I go a true story. My wife and a friend were both doing a charity collection in our road. My wife was doing save the children and her friend was doing the local dog sanctuary. When they opened the envelopes who do you reckon had got the most money?
Yep we sure do love dogs here all right
Mind I'm not complaining really as thanks to the dogs we were able to get a Mandarin Banquet for 4. We'd have been lucky to get a Big Mac between us if we were relying on the kids.
Oh here's me bus. Cheerio.
