This is the first-draft of a pilot for a new un-named sitcom. I've posted the first 10 pages here: http://pc.celtx.com/project/bJ9Si99YWaE9

Is it good? Is it funny? Do you want to continue reading?

Thanks

I'd really appreciate some feedback

Thanks

In my opinion the narrator comments later in the story really tear you out to the illusion these are real people. Dialogue is good some bits seemed forced though but overall a nice flow.

So, you think I should stick to the narrator just introducing the characters, or have no narrator at all?

Which bits did you find forced?

If you had just read that, would it interest you enough to read the rest of the script?

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Hi Oddjob the narator I would have just introing character's if at all.

Carol taps at her computer.

CAROL
Twelve hours.

TERRY
Twelve hours!?

CAROL
That's what I said.

PETER

We've got a long wait.

(beat)

I wanted to get on the earlier flight, but some idiot had booked a ticket, and not even collected it! I mean, what sort of moron does that?

TERRY

I really don't know.

PETER

I'm going to grab a drink.

(he looks around)

Where are the waiters?

TERRY

Airports don't have waiters.

PETER

Oh yes, of course. I've never been on a plane before. I brought a sick bag, just in case.

TERRY

I think you get one free.

PETER

Yeah, but they're made out of paper, the sick will just go right through the bottom.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

He is right. It's happened to me before. My best suit!

TERRY

Right.

PETER

Do you want to go get a drink?

TERRY

Yeah, nothing else to do.

No it wouldn't intrest me to read the whole thing to be perfectly honest, but if you trimmed it a bit it could seem alot more appealing but again its just my view mate. I did get intrested by the end though so maybe shorten the setup and get into the meat and gravy earlier.

Thanks for your advice. It was just an idea I came up with and then I wrote it off the top of my head. It's probably not heading anywhere.

Dont be put off mate the two characters have potential

Thanks. I might try and put them into a different story. Maybe include them in one of my other sitcoms.

Yeah I agree with Gav, the two characters have some potential.

I was thinking of putting them into Banter somehow, but can't think where.

Also, a slightly unrelated topic, but I didn't feel the need to create a new thread. When re-writing, is it best to got through the script and edit it, or start with a completely blank page?

Thanks

Depends how much you're re-writing?

If you're changing more then a few words, I think it's always good to keep a 1st draft for reference.

For Banter, do you think it needs a complete re-write or just some editing. I might think about changing the story of it. I really want to try and get a B-plot into it, but I don't know who else the sitcom could follow.

Start a new file when re-writing. Have the old draft open to help you with the new draft.

Parrot?

I usually write over the originals keeping the original saved - changing bits that don't work or if I see scope for improvement. (Always scope for improvement)