FAMILY PRIDE.

SCENE 1:

INT. HALLWAY. FAMILY HOUSE. CHEESY MUSIC PLAYING. TELEPHONE RINGS. TYPICAL MIDDLE-CLASS SITCOM DAD ANSWERS CHEERILY.

DAD:
7890 4321 man of the house speaking! (PAUSE) Not you again.. the name's GARY Pride, how many times do I have to tell you people...

HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND HALF TURNS AWAY BUT IT RINGS AGAIN. HE ANSWERS.

DAD:
7890 4321 Gary Pride speaking! (PAUSE) Ah, mother.. oh, it was you.. yes, of course... (SHOUTS) Gaye, it's your mother...

DAD PUTS THE RECEIVER DOWN AT THE SIDE OF THE PHONE AND WALKS AWAY.

SCENE 2:

INT. KITCHEN. BOY NINE YEARS OLD IN POSH SCHOOL UNIFORM IS EATING CEREAL.

SIMON:
Hi dad, can you get me some more cereal!

DAD WALKS UP TO THE BOY AND HITS HIM HARD IN THE FACE WITH HIS FIST, BLOOD SPURTS FROM THE BOY'S NOSE AS HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR SCREAMING.

DAD:
Please... "Hi dad, can you get me some more cereal, please!"

DAD WALKS TOWARDS A CUPBOARD.

SIMON:
Just get the f**king cereal, you tosser!

TYPICAL MIDDLE-CLASS SITCOM MUM WALKS IN. SMILING. JOLLY. MUMSY.

MUM:
Please.. get the cereal, please! You're terrible Simon, I really don't know... (PAUSE) Did I hear someone say f**king, if I did I shall be cross!

SIMON COVERED IN BLOOD CLIMBS BACK ONTO HIS CHAIR.

SIMON:
It was dad, he's quite a c**t!

MUM:
OK that's enough of that Simon, quite enough. (PAUSE) Gary, mother says you spat directly in her face in the street yesterday, did you really dear?

DAD:
Not quite, not directly no, but I meant to.. look, must dash I really should speak to Archibald (BEAT) before I go to the office, yes before I go to the office, that's it..

SIMON IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY INTO HIS CEREAL BUT STILL EATING IT. HE EATS HEARTILY AND SMILES AT HIS FATHER.

SIMON:
Go f**k yourself, dad!

DAD TURNS AND SMILES LOVINGLY AT HIS SON. HE THEN TURNS TO HIS WIFE WITH A WINNING SMILE AND SPEAKS DELIBERATELY AND DIRECTLY TO HER.

DAD:
Later on dear, I am going to kill myself!

MUM:
That's all right, dear it's Tuesday..

SCENE 3.

EXT. GARDEN. AN OLD GARDENER IS MAKING A ROLL UP. DAD COMES UP TO HIM.

DAD:
Archibald, can you let me have some petrol from the mower, a length of rubber tube, the largest funnel you have and a quick one off the wrist?

ARCHIBALD CONTINUES MAKING HIS ROLL UP. HE FINISHES IT AND LIGHTS UP.

ARCHIBALD:
Alright.

SCENE 4:

INT. TYPICAL POSH SCHOOL CLASSROOM. TEACHER HAS JUST DISMISSED THE CLASS.

SIMON:
Mr Cartwright, sir can I have a few words.

TEACHER:
As long as it's "goodbye, I'm off" then, yes.

SIMON:
My father is going to kill himself later on.

TEACHER:
Gaye Pride... she's your mother isn't she?

SIMON:
Yes, she is.

TEACHER:
Look, she has nice tits and that's a fact but even so you really need to keep this personal stuff to yourself, Cartwright.

SIMON:
I'm Pride sir, you're Cartwright.

TEACHER:
Look boy, I saw your father earlier. He set fire to himself on the old toll bridge and burned to a cinder, so I shouldn't worry.

SIMON: (KNOWINGLY)
Wasn't that bridge originally called 'old crossway', sir.

THE TEACHER LOOKS AT SIMON IN WONDERMENT.

TEACHER:
They haven't called it that in eighty years! How did you know?

SIMON SMILES AT HIS TEACHER COYLY.

SIMON:
Dad was pretty hot on local history, sir!

THEY BOTH GRIN THEN BURST OUT LAUGHING. SOME BLACK SMOKE DRIFTS PAST THE WINDOW.

INT KITCHEN. LIONEL (FATHER) & LESLEY (DAUGHTER) ARE SITTING BY THE KITCHEN TABLE. LESLEY IS CLOSE TO TEARS AS HER FATHER CONTINUES TO INTERROGATE HER

LIONEL:I'm sorry Lesley but I feel you should be spending less time in your bedroom with these strange boys of yours. You need a bloody job!

LESLEY:- it's hardly every night Dad. You'd think you've been taking notes or something

LIONEL PULLS A NOTEBOOK FROM A DRAWER

LIONEL:I'm just worried about you, I don't want you getting a reputation -

LESLEY:- for what?

LIONEL STARTS READING FROM HIS NOTEBOOK

LIONELeptember thirteenth, Nigel, black hair, five feet, handsome

LESLEY:He's six feet bloody four

LIONEL:Yeah. Five feet, and some, more

LIONEL CONTINUES READING FROM NOTEBOOK

LIONELeptember fifteenth, Steve, brown hair, posh, five out of five

LESLEY:What, you're rating them?

LIONEL:He rated you Lesley, and God knows what in!

LESLEY:I can't believe you've been spying on me Dad!

LIONEL NOW TAKES OUT A LAPTOP

LIONEL:Look, it's for your own protection

LESLEYh for f**k sake -

LIONEL:Which, incidentally you haven't been using. I checked with your GP, and your chemist, and your 'Steve'.

LESLEY IS SHAKING HER HEAD IN DISBELIEF.

LIONEL STARTS TO PLAY A VIDEO ON THE LAPTOP

LIONELeptember seventeenth, Robert

LIONEL POINTS TO ROBERT ON THE SCREEN

#cont:Looks pretty pleased with himself doesn't he? And why exactly are you kneeling?

LESLEY:I'm tightening his belt!

LIONEL:You must be doing it pretty tight. He's clearly in some pain - look at his face! He's even grabbing your hair so you'll stop!

LESLEY:What the hell is going...? You're a pervert! A disgusting perv -

LIONELon't be ridiculous. Anyway, the subscribers love what you do

LESLEYubscribers? -

LIONEL:- to the website. I'm making a mint!

LESLEY PICKS UP A SMALL KITCHEN KNIFE AND POINTS IT A LIONEL

LESLEYRANTING) this is a joke, a f**king joke, what sort of father, I hate you, if I ever see you again I'm gonna stick this in your eye, pull it out, and stick it up your arse!

LIONEL LOOKS AT LAPTOP

LIONELh, we're getting some good response online to that

LESLEY, FINALLY EXASPERATED, THROWS THE KNIFE TO THE FLOOR, STORMS OUT OF THE KITCHEN, THEN OUT OF THE HOUSE

LIONEL SWIVELS IN HIS CHAIR TO SPEAK TO HIS DEVASTATED WIFE

LIONELo Cheryl, still think I don't pay enough attention to our daughter?

END

INT. OFFICE - DAY

HARD WORKING FAMILY MAN PETE HAS BEEN SUMMONED TO HIS BOSS'S OFFICE. GARETH IS FOR WANT OF A BETTER PHRASE, A SMARMY PRICK.

GARETH:
I've just been touching base with the CEO, and we have some exciting news. You've been selected for corporate realignment.

PETE:
I don't understand?

GARETH:
To disambiguate; going forward, we plan to globalise your position, freeing you up to discover other opportunities outside of the immediate company spectrum.

PETE:
You're firing me?

GARETH:
Our hands are practically tied. Our profitability was south of acceptable, so surplusing was inevitable.

PETE:
What will happen to my job?

GARETH:
We believe that outsourcing will shorten the path to profitability.

PETE:
You're hiring cheap labour abroad?

GARETH:
In a granular nutshell, that would not be incorrect.

PETE:
But...I've been working here for 11 years.

GARETH:
I'm not unsympathetic, but it's not a Goldilocks economy. We have to move forwards, as standing still is a backwards step.

PETE:
What does that mean?

GARETH:
It means that we've drilled down our numbers, and holistically, we had to consolidate synergistically.

PETE:
That really doesn't help.

GARETH:
To elucidate, it's all about the econemetrics.

PETE:
But why me?

GARETH:
The CEO and I triangulated with the junior supervising director in your department, and he dialogued concerns over your effectivity. In the current financial climate, we can't carry any clocksuckers.

PETE:
But I've got a family to feed, and I'm the hardest worker here. This is outrageous.

GARETH:
Blamestorming is counterproductive Pete. You shouldn't concentrate on the negative; this could prove beneficial if you think outside the box.

PETE:
Think outside it? We're going to be living in it.

GARETH:
I sense that you're struggling to blue-sky. You need to bite into a positivity sandwich.

PETE:
I'll tell you what I need to do. I need to wait outside the building until you come out, and then we can continue this discussion until the conflict has been resolved to both parties' satisfaction. I intend to accomplish this goal by putting my point across in a forthright fashion, and then repeating the point until any remaining ambiguity surrounding my position has completely dissolved.

GARETH:
F**k.

ALISTAIR QUELL IS HOSTING HIS RADIO SHOW.

ALISTAIR:
Welcome back to a very special family edition of the Alistair Quell Show. Earlier we heard from 3 generations of Lassie and just before the break we heard from up and coming actor Jamie Caster, his father and famous Hollywood actor Jim Caster and now we're going to hear from Jim's father Ted who was a famous actor in the old black and white days and its an honour to have him on the line now.

Hello Ted, You're live on the Alistair Quell Show...

TED:
(CRACKLY AND GRAINY) Hello there Oliver. I'm just two streets over on Windbrook Lane. I can nearly see you from the window (laughs) ha huh huh.

ALISTAIR:
Very good Ted and it's Alistair actually, you are one of the few actors of the black and white era still with us. How different was it making movies back then?

TED:
Well it was roughly very different back in my day Cannister. You wouldn't know what colour things were you see. You're socks could be different colours and you wouldn't even know.

Then of course with the advent of the car you'd see these cars stopping at the lights but they had no idea what colour they were so it was pot luck in them days (laughs) huh huh huh.

ALISTAIR:
In the movies yes. Real life obviously wasn't black and white.

TED:
Look at me, colour of course didn't come in until the late 60's really. Everything was black and white before then.

ALISTAIR:
Would you be colour blind by any chance Ted?

TED:
That takes me back huh huh. Call it what you like Oliver but at least we had the ability to speak and we were glad of it. My father Charlie was a m-

ALISTAIR:
A mute? A muffler? (quietly) A muppet.

TED:
...A movie star as well and in his day of course people couldn't even talk. The mouth would move alright and then the words would appear in writing afterwards.

ALISTAIR:
(getting angry) Yes! In the old silent movies! And It's Alistair!!

TED:
Of course in the old silent movies (BEAT) and in real life. The only noise that could be heard back in my dad's day was the tinkling of a piano. That was the 1st sound you know.

There were other musical instruments but they were pointless really. They looked nice but no sound. I remember once Bollinger there was-

ALISTAIR:
(ANGRY)
It's Alistair!!! For Christ's sake real life was never black and white!! God! What kind of...Listen...Just...We're going to have to leave it there as we're running out of...sanity. We'll go for another break.

ALISTAIR:
(OFF AIR)

What the hell was that bullshit?! Who the f**k put that senile old bastard on the phone? I'm not taking this lying down! I'm going to his hotel. No-one makes Alistair Quell look crazy on his own radio show.

CUT TO ALISTAIR BANGING ANGRILY ON TED'S HOTEL ROOM DOOR. TED OPENS THE DOOR. HE IS COMPLETELY IN BLACK AND WHITE JUST LIKE IN OLD MOVIES.

TED:
Ah Slazenger. Come in,have a seat.

END.

why is this thread not on the first page?.....i.e. pinned

Cut backs!

INT. HOME.

A MAN IS OPENING THE DOOR TO HIS HOME. HE IS WITH HIS MATE.

MAN:
I'll get a couple of cold ones from the fridge.

MATE:
Phew! Your gaff don't half pong mate.

MAN:
Oh no, not again.

CAMERA PANS AROUND FLOOR TO SEE PILES OF SHIT.

MAN:
Deidre, how many times have you to be told. When you need to go you go in the toilet.

DEIDRE: (O.O.V.)
Baaaa!

MAN:
That's Deidre, she's the black sheep.

EXT. A CLEARING IN THE WOODS. NIGHT

UNDER A FULL MOON, A LITTLE DISTANCE FROM A FARM HOUSE, A PACK OF WOLVES PACE AROUND ANXIOUSLY. THE ALPHA-MALE AND HIS MATE ARE SNIFF THE AIR HUNGRILY WHILE THEIR YOUNG FAMILY HOWL AND WHINE

DOGWA
We need a decent kill tonight.

THRUG (SNAPPING SAVAGELY AT HER)
I know! I shall find a deer and tear out its throat, that we may feast. Give me time!

AS DOGWA COWERS, THE FAINT SOUND OF A MAN SINGING 'ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT' WAFTS ACROSS TO THEM AND THEY PRICK UP THEIR EARS. DOGWA LOOKS AROUND FRANTICALLY.

DOGWA
Where is Krudge, your brother?

THRUG (looking up and baying at the full moon)
Oh, no. Gather the young ones, quickly!

A MAN [KRUDGE] IN FORMAL ATTIRE WITH A STRAW BOATER, CARRYING A THERMOS FLASK AND A PLATE OF SANDWICHES FLOUNCES INTO THE CLEARING. HE COMES TO A HALT AS HE SEES THE PACK OF SNARLING WOLVES

MAN [KRUDGE]
I say. What-ho! A pack of young puppies and their mumsy and dadsy. Here kitty kitty.

HE PLACES THE PLATE OF SANDWICHES ON THE GROUND AND STARTS TO UNSCREW THE FLASK JAUNTILY

THRUG (Hackles rising)
Keep the young ones close!

THE PUPS COWER WHILE BARKING AND SNAPPING NERVOUSLY

MAN
Come, come. You look absolutely famished. There's cucumber sandwiches aplenty with the crusts cut off, plus lashings of Lapsang Souchong. Don't be scaredy cats.

THRUG AND DOGWA CIRCLE THE MAN BUT SHRINK AWAY NERVOUSLY AS HE OFFERS THEM TEA

MAN
Now don't be silly sausages. This is incredibly rude of you all. At least take a sip of the tea - it's absolutely spiffy.

THRUG
Get back, Krudge! Fight it!

DOGWA
Stay clear of the sandwiches - they'll turn you into a Werechap too!

THE MAN IS TAKEN ABACK FOR A SECOND BUT SHAKES HIS HEAD TO CLEAR HIS MING AND EXTENDS THE PALM OF HIS HAND WITH A QUARTER OF A CUCUMBER SANDWICH IN HIS SLIGHTLY MUDDY PALM

THRUG
It's no use - the moon is full. Krudge is lost to us until the morning.

DOGWA
Why we keep him with us when he has become this crazed monster I do not understand!

THRUG
He is family! When the moon has passed he will return to us.

Angie had me laughing with this...

Quote: AngieBaby @ July 22 2010, 10:46 PM BST

PAULh no, she's not lesbian. She's a cheerleader.

View original

Not sure what Gerry's had to do with the 'Family' theme but it had some nice word play.

But Cool Mikado gets my vote. "Lovely."

I liked Charley's, although I reckon it as a very strong basing on a real encounter! SCRATHYR for me though.

Bushbabys' was a classic quickie.

Cool Mikado - you should have taken it to the next level, well, lowered it immensely.

Opposed to "Can I have a feel" just a "Do you mind if I?" then he proceed to lift her top, undo her bra and have a suckle!

I didn't think this week was as strong but there was alot of reading to do!

My vote goes to Gerry McDonnell. Superb dialogue with a lovely finish.

A load to read through this week. Enjoyed Kasm's a lot but I'm voting for Timbo.

The Cool Mikado

Nice concepts from Otterfox and Kasm, but I was won over by the insight into the family life of CHARLEY.

Michael Monkhouse