I am nothing if not an innovator and, having seen how canned laughter serves to manipulate an otherwise rational TV audience into thinking something is funny when it obviously isn't, I am delighted to be able to inform everyone that I have taken the art of canning several stages further by introducing 'canned ecstasy' into my marital activities.
It works like this:
I've made a CD compilation of various 'Oooohs' and 'Aaaaahs' from several adult video websites and, armed with a remote control, I am able to play them as and when appropriate through the stereo speakers in the bedroom.
It's a marvellous idea as, not only does it makes the neighbours think I'm significantly more competent at the old bedroom malarkey than I actually am, it also tells Mrs Ming which aspects of my lovemaking I think are especially impressive and it encourages her to respond accordingly albeit in her own very much quieter fashion.
The only problem is that some of the CD's louder gasps and screams can occasionally cover the sound of the bedroom door opening and the kids coming in to ask what's going on.
Mrs Ming doesn't like that at all.