INT. SHOP - DAY.
THE SHOP KEEPER STANDS BEHIND THE COUNTER. A CUSTOMER ENTERS THE SHOP AND WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER TO BE SERVED.
CUSTOMER
Four Candles!
SHOP KEEP
Four Candles?
CUSTOMER
Four Candles.
THE SHOP KEEP GETS OUT FOUR CANDLES AND PLACES THEM ON THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER
No, four candles!
SHOP KEEP(confused)
Well there you are, four candles!
CUSTOMER
No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
ANOTHER CUSTOMER ENTERS THE SHOP HOLDING A BIRD CAGE.
CUSTOMER 2
'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
THE OWNER DOES NOT RESPOND.
CUSTOMER 2
'Ello, Miss?
SHOP KEEP
What do you mean "miss"?
CUSTOMER 2
I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
SHOP KEEP
We're closin' for lunch.
CUSTOMER 2
Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
SHOP KEEP
Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
CUSTOMER 2
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
SHOP KEEP
No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
CUSTOMER 2
Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
SHOP KEEP
No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
CUSTOMER 2
The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
SHOP KEEP
Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
CUSTOMER 2
All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you.
ANOTHER SHOP KEEPER APPEARS FROM THE BACK ROOM.
SHOP KEEP 2
What's all this shouting we'll have no trouble here! ... "It's a Local Shop! FOR LOCAL PEOPLE!
THEY ALL BEGIN TO ARGUE INAUDIBLY. EXCEPT THE FIRST CUSTOMER WHO WATCHES ON.
CUSTOMER
Saw tips?
THEY FALL SILENT AS THEY FOCUS ON THE FIRST CUSTOMER.
SHOP KEEP
Saw tips? (CONFUSED) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
CUSTOMER
No, saw tips for covering saws.
THEY ALL JUMP ON HIM.
END.
I'm sure there's more sketches I could've added but I can't think of any.
