Hi, Ok I have a bit of a 1st draft here again so it's not perfect but I'd like everyone opinion on what you think, Only posted the first 5 scenes to get the feel without boring you.

SCENE 1. INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

OLIVER, PAUL AND SIMON are all in the kitchen eating, drinking coffee and PAUL is munching on toast.

OLIVER and SIMON are dressed in suits and PAUL is dressed in baggy casual clothes, like he’s just rolled out of bed.

SIMON:
Got anything planned for the day Paul?

PAUL:
(Muffled by toast)
Nope.

SIMON:
(Wiping toast crumbs off his face)
Oh ok then.

OLIVER:
Aren’t you going to get bored sitting around all day doing absolutely nothing?

PAUL:
I find things to do.

SIMON:
Like?

PAUL:
I watch Jeremy Kyle and This Morning - for Fern Briton of course, then I go on the Internet and look (pause) at stuff (PAUL begins giggling)

SIMON:
That’s just disgusting!

OLIVER:
I hope you’re joking; I have to use that computer!

PAUL:
(Rather unconvincingly)
Course I’m joking, since moving here we have little to no privacy, had a different salesmen at the door everyday and as we don’t have curtains up yet, I can’t do anything without a vacuum cleaner salesmen seeing.

OLIVER:
(Relieved)
So glad you said salesmen.

SIMON:
You could put the curtains up yourself.

PAUL:
Neh, I’ve got to job hunt. See if I can put a creative writing degree to good use.

SIMON and OLIVER finish off their coffee.

OLIVER:
Sure, but if you actually get round to doing anything of substance, try putting up those curtains.

PAUL:
(Blankly)
Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

SIMON:
Right better get to something you wouldn’t touch with a barge pole (to OLIVER) you got the car keys?

OLIVER:
Yeah, see ya later.

PAUL:
Yeah, have fun making Microsoft richer.

OLIVER and SIMON leave the house.

Wide shot of PAUL standing by himself in the kitchen, you hear the tap dripping in the background.

END SCENE.

SCENE 2. INT. THE OFFICE. DAY

The office is of regular size a typical office both OLIVER and SIMON enter the building together.

SIMON:
I feel a bit sorry for Paul you know.

OLIVER:
(Staring at SIMON)
I have a feeling he’ll be just fine Simon.

SIMON:
No seriously, he just sits there all day doing nothing but watching TV, while we are in the exciting world of work.

OLIVER looks over at the receptionist, she looks very depressed.

OLIVER:
So, I’ll see you at lunch then?

SIMON:
(Deflated)
Err yeah sure.

END SCENE.

SCENE 3. INT. THE HOUSE. DAY

PAUL is sitting in front of the television with a bowl of cereal. You hear the rantings of Jeremy Kyle in the background.

PAUL:
(To himself)
Jeremy you’ve seen it all before, she’s a slut, come on!

PAUL gets up and walks into the middle room and looks at the curtains and the rail. Then moves over to the computer.

END SCENE.

SCENE 4. INT. THE OFFICE. DAY.

SIMON and OLIVER are sitting down at computers, there is a split screen of them working (as they work in different departments). They are both tapping away at a keyboard.

On SIMONs side someone walks up to him and leaves a file on his desk.

SIMON:
(Quietly)
Thanks Jane. How are the kids?

You don’t hear Jane’s response.

END SCENE.

SCENE 5. INT. THE HOUSE. DAY

PAUL is sat at the computer tilting his head, clearly looking at something he shouldn’t be.

PAUL:
(To himself)
So, it’s the left leg over his back then…

A banging at the door interrupts him. A man can clearly see through the window at what PAUL is looking at, the man smiles in an impressed manner.

PAUL closes down the computer and runs to the door and answers it.

PAUL:
(Embarrassed)
All right mate!

The salesmen at the door is wearing a cheap suit and holding a briefcase, he's a short Asian man with a moustache.

STEVE:
(A slight accent)
Hello sir! I’m Orhad Jehadmen Tofadus, but to save time and spelling mistakes my friends call me Steve. I couldn’t help but notice the pornography on your computer, don’t be embarrassed sir we all have urges. I can assure you I do the same thing. But we don’t have a computer so (small pause) well lets just say I’m not allowed in the local cyber café anymore!

PAUL:
(Mumbling)
Great more than I wanted to know. What do you want mate?

STEVE:
Oh right! Yes I am from Sweet Furniture Co. and I am here to sell you a beautiful leather reclining chair.

PAUL:
(Wide-eyed)
Ahhh man I’ve always wanted one of those chairs!

STEVE:
How about I come in and tell you more of the benefits of purchasing one of these fine chairs (wide smile as he walks in).

END SCENE.

OK as far as it goes although nothing really funny funny. I know I've said before about not writing too much but what about a synopsis? Where is it going? What exactly are the relationships? etc etc etc

I would of made the sales man twist the porno viewing into his sales pitch personally. Whats going to happen in the episode basically? I thought it sort of floated really we didnt seem to go anywere.

Keep at it mate 1st drafts are always difficult

I'd have to agree with Mr Chapman above me, this needs some real whoppers if you want it to be funny. Right now, it's lacking a bit.

It's a good idea, though. Certainly keep working on it, and remember to include more jokes!

Phil

Ok sorry guys should have explained it further: Basically these 3 guys share a house... Ok this storyline, its quite a simple one Oliver and Simon are going to work and they are concerned that Paul will have a boring day but really he's having quite an exciting day as this salesmen is really trying to sell him a leather chair and Paul resists for ages (insert jokes here here and here) but Simon and oli are actually having boring days. I will post more scenes and you will hopefully understand more. Sorry again guys.

...my friends call me Steve. Is a great line.

SIMON and OLIVER just seem to be the same person though. Maybe their personalities come out more later on but in these scenes they could be clones. OLIVER comes across a tad (like about 1%) less understanding than Simon. Maybe if you ramped that up.

hmmm thanks for pointing that out shoepie, I actually haven’t found Olivers real voice yet, but Simon is basically a very sensible and quite an anal person (because of his religion) while from what I've gathered myself from Oliver he is a happy medium between Paul and Simon.

But thanks for bringing that up I'll try and work on him more

Lurrrrved it Mr Watson. 5 gold stars

Quote: ShoePie @ April 8, 2007, 11:11 AM

...my friends call me Steve. Is a great line.

SIMON and OLIVER just seem to be the same person though. Maybe their personalities come out more later on but in these scenes they could be clones. OLIVER comes across a tad (like about 1%) less understanding than Simon. Maybe if you ramped that up.

View original

I agree, I imagined two err cant think of a better word..."goody-goody-two-shoes" twins.

But I kinda liked the flow, easy to read, although I'm sure there are plenty more opportunity's for laughs.

I could sympathize with the PAUL character a bit too much...

Simon and oliver could be played by identical twins - if there are any comedy twin actors around.

"Oliver he is a happy medium between Paul and Simon".

Which one is dead? Ah - that's an idea. One could be dead and therefore not really there ... but he is sort of thing - or am I just rambling now?

Like most things you come out with David... it's not rambling it's crap

Thanks.

I enjoyed reading it. I think it's well-written with a lightness of touch. However, I didn't really find anything amusing in it.

On a sociological note. Do door-to-door salesmen really still operate in towns? I've never seen one in twenty-five years in my semi-rural backwater.

I get about 2 a week Johnny, selling the weirdest things, religion, cleaning products clearly bought from wilkinsons, beds, insurance, gas, you name it I've probably had a man in a suit trying to sell it me.

And thanks Johnny for the comment, I'm defo working on making it funnier, I seem to worry too much about trying to get the plot to pan out.

Yes door-to-door salesmen do stil exist.

Anyway on to the script, I like that you chose my name suggestion 'Threedom'. But I'm still not really liking the script, I think I might have had the same problem last time. I'm a real stickler for popular culture references, I think they are used to get a cheap laugh because people know what they are and also they end up dating the show later on. You mention Jeremy Kyle and This Morning which kind of put me off from the start. I agree with others that Simon and Oliver seem to be the same character, they need to be defined more. Also there was nothing really that amusing in it, no laugh out loud bits and the plot didn't seem to have moved greatly within 5 scenes.

I don't mean to be purposely harsh, but honesty is the best policy right. The bit with the salesman is alright, although he should have been trying to sell something equally as perverted as the porn that Paul was looking at, that would have been very funny.