This is the pilot I am currently working on, set in a restuarant. Main character Russell. Any thoughts will be appreciated -- please, anything that didn't work for you, let me know. I will not be offended. I'm after the weak elements, after all.

INT. SALOON STEAK RANCH. RUSSELL’S BAY -- NIGHT

Russell is walking alongside a row of tables.
A man and woman are sitting at the first table, arms folded, silently staring at each other.
The man jabs his finger in the woman's direction.

MAN 1
Fine. But if you get a restraining order against me, I want one against your mother.

A male customer approaches the next table, where a middle-aged woman is seated alone. He kisses her on the cheek as he slides into the opposite seat.

MAN 2
Sorry I'm late.

She grabs his hands and squeezes them.

WOMAN
Don't worry about it. Show doesn't start--

MAN 2
I cannot apologise enough for being so drunk last night. Whatever I said was nothing more than Pinot Noir-induced babble.

Woman lets go of his hands.

WOMAN
You said you loved me.

The man holds out his arm and stops Russell.

MAN 2
Is this our waiter?
(to Russell, re: white T-shirt he is wearing)
Or do you just clear tables?

RUSSELL
No, I'm a waiter. I just started a few days ago, so I don't have an official shirt yet.

MAN 2
Well, do you need an "official shirt" to take my wine order? Or will your "pen and pad" sufficiently assist you?

WOMAN
Bradley...

MAN 2
Just a second.
(to Russell)
I'm after something from the old-fashioned producers--

WOMAN
Bradley...

MAN 2
--with a light body, but not offensively--

The woman slams her palm onto table.

WOMAN
I've been faking orgasms for two months, the least you can do is fake listening to me.

The man stares at the woman.

WOMAN
For a start, his name is not waiter, his name is Russell. Rus-sell.

MAN 2
I'm sorry, okay.

WOMAN
Secondly, Russell—
(Russell corrects his hunched back))
--we'll have a bottle of your finest red wine, please.

RUSSELL
Right away.

The man holds his hand in the air.

WOMAN
What?

MAN 2
Can I just...
(to Russell)
What's it called, please, the wine?

RUSSELL
It's a wine specially produced for Saloon Steak Ranch, called Château Saloon.

The man gives Russell the 'thumbs up' sign.

MAN 2
Hmmm - yummy.

WOMAN
You will enjoy it even if it's in a cardboard box.

MAN 2
Not cardboard. It makes my neck swell up--

He sees the look on her face.

MAN 2
I'll just keep my allergy tablets alongside the polystyrene cup, shall I?

The woman nods to Russell, and he turns to leave.

As Russell walks away:

WOMAN
Now why the face pulling?

MAN 2
Because I need the toilet but I'm scared to ask another question.

INT. RESTAURANT RECEPTION -- CONTINUOUS

Russell approaches another waiter, Dino, who is chatting to two female customers. Dino is dressed in a dark blue shirt with the words SALOON STEAK RANCH printed on the left breast.

DINO
...she took me back to her place and we had a memorable night.

Both the women 'aah' at Dino.

DINO
And that's how I got Chlamydia the second time.

The women recoil.

Russell taps Dino on the arm.

RUSSELL
Dino, bottle opener, please.

DINO
(checking waiter’s pouch)
Sorry, mate. Forgot mine at home again.

Another waiter, Davin, stops on his way past. He puts his arm around Dino's shoulders.

DAVIN
Did you hear the good news? Minky dumped him.

RUSSELL
For who?

DINO
The Lord. She found God last Wednesday, apparently. Came to my place this morning and tried to convert me. I told her I didn't care about God because I've been asking for stuff for years and he's never given me anything.

RUSSELL
How did she react?

DINO
She got so mad she called me an intellectual. Now she won't see me anymore because she has to suffer for her sins.

DAVIN
Isn't that why she was seeing you in the first place?

DINO
Davin, would you lend Russ your bottle opener already?

DAVIN
No. Ask God to give you one.

Davin points at Dino with both his forefingers, as if they were pistols.

DAVIN
Bang, bang, bang.
(backing away and bowing)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm here all day, everyday, weekends--

Davin tries to quickly swivel round, but turns face-first into the pillar behind him.
When he falls to the ground, the contents of his waiter's pouch spill onto the floor.
Dino bends down and picks up the bottle opener, hands it to Russell.

As Dino and Russell walk away:

RUSSELL
You ask God for that?

DINO
Nope. Tried Moses this time.

RUSSELL
Cool. I'm down with Moses.

INT. WINE CELLAR -- MOMENTS LATER

Russell opens the door, flicks the light switch and walks in. He finds the owner, Lawrence, and a female waitress, Felicity, having sex. Wine boxes separate their censored parts from Russell.

RUSSELL
Oh. Sorry.

Russell stands.

LAWRENCE
Well, for God's sake, come closer so you can get a better look.

Russell half-moves towards them, but then pauses.

LAWRENCE
Get out – now.

Russell backs out, closing the door.

INT. OUTSIDE WINE CELLAR - CONTINUOUS

Russell waits outside.
Moments later, Lawrence emerges.

LAWRENCE
(tucking in shirt)
You're new here, aren't you?

RUSSELL
Yes, sir.

LAWRENCE
You want to last long enough to get your Saloon shirt, forget what you saw -- don't make an impression by telling the others you caught the boss shagging, don't phone home and tell mommy you saw another man's privates -- don't even recall this moment when you're lying in bed alone and about to have sex with yourself.

Lawrence walks away.

Felicity comes out biting her bottom lip.

FELICITY
I guess this is the part where you judge me.

RUSSELL
No judgement from me. For all I know you two could be an item.

FELICITY
I am sort of his girlfriend.

RUSSELL
See, that makes it all right.

FELICITY
Although he does have a wife on the side.

RUSSELL
Oh.

FELICITY
But I don't see it as cheating, because he gave her prior notice -- and anyway, to what extent is fidelity healthy?

She extends her hand.

FELICITY
Felicity. And you are?

RUSSELL
Russell.

They shake hands.

FELICITY
Soft hands. Nice.

Russell pulls his hand away.

RUSSELL
I sweat. A lot.

FELICITY
Sweating’s good.

RUSSELL
No, I mean, sweaty palms.

FELICITY
Nervous energy?

RUSSELL
No, fungal infection.

FELICITY
Huh.
(then)
What wine are you after?

RUSSELL
Château Saloon.

FELICITY
Or as we call it, shit-it-out-too-soon.

She laughs. He doesn’t.

FELICITY
You don’t get it?

RUSSELL
I just don’t think it’s funny.

FELICITY
(putting arm around him, leading him into the cellar)
Wait until you’ve drank a glass of it.

Felicity closes the door.

INT. OUTSIDE WINE CELLAR -- MINUTES LATER

Lawrence arrives at the cellar. He opens the door, walks inside.

INT. WINE CELLAR -- CONTINUOUS

Russell and Felicity are in the same place Lawrence and Felicity were earlier. Russell appears to be fighting off Felicity's advances. His shirt is pulled out.

FELICITY
Can a woman not get some closure around here?

Felicity shakes her head as she walks to Lawrence.

LAWRENCE
What, I'm not good enough?

FELICITY
It's not that. It's...there's no buzz on the second plateau of our relationship.

She exits.

LAWRENCE
You want buzz, date a vibrator.

Russell has not moved from behind the wine boxes.

LAWRENCE
Table three sent me to look for their wine. Sort them out, then I want you in my office in five minutes.

Lawrence leaves.

Very good, sorry but I don't have any harsh comments. Easy to read, well laid out. Would like to meet Felicity.

I agree with Rosco, it flows well and I'd love to read more.

Pretty good, flows nicely, but about 5 or 6 scenes in and I can't see any signs of a real plot, I understand this is a pilot episode and the characters need introducing, but I think you should maybe sort out a main plot. But yeah this is good.

I was confused from the outset I'm afraid, by the restaurant being in Russell's Bay. I've no idea if this is a real place or not, but the fact that the characters name was Russell and he wasn't wearing the corporate T shirt made me initially think he was the owner and it was a saloon bar called Russell's Bay. I also found the Man 1 and Man 2 and Dino and Davin confusing. Their 'voices' were not individual enough in my view and the fact that their character names were very similar meant I was having to read it over and over to see who was saying what. I have read that it's not a good idea to have characters whose names start with the same letter. I do do this myself though. There were a couple of funny lines but I would suggest more of a plot and more jokes. And I have been advised by the BBC writers room not to submit a pilot episode where you're trying to introduce all of the characters and I can see that this makes sense. Now, obviously, not before I sent it to them.

Presentation was OK though and it flowed well. Dialogue was pretty realistic so I'd say there was potential.

I think you write very well - clear and witty BUT you have to have a plot that moves relatively quickly. This book is a good read and deals with the structure of sitcom plots. When you are wtaching sitcoms you will notice that the plot is driven along quickly and the humour fits in between it. http://www.bfi.org.uk/education/teaching/tfms/tvsitcom/

Cheers,
Fred http://fredpeters.podbean.com/

I agree with Steve about the names being too simular and I thought you brought Davin to life really well it flowed nicely and was not a chore to read.
Well done!

Steve - I thought the rule of thumb was to send 2 episodes in 1 introducing the characters and the other an example of your plot skills? I am new to this site/writing so am only asking not criticizing fella

Good stuff. I thought it bounced along very nicely (though as others have said, it's hard to know what this episode is *about* as yet, so it needs a plot signal). Russell is a bit passive so far, so if he's the main character it would be nice to see him do something (or be forced to do something) that gets him into uncomfortable scrapes.
On the subject of Russell, I was confused by "WOMAN" knowing his name, even though he is new and it isn't mentioned. Is he wearing a name badge? In which case you have to say so.
But overall I like it. The scenes flow well and the dialogue is witty.

Thanks for the comments, everyone. Much appreciated, and all very helpful -- especially the similar names comment. And Badge, I think you're spot on with the passive comment, too.

Quote: Daddy Maz @ March 13, 2007, 7:22 PM

Steve - I thought the rule of thumb was to send 2 episodes in 1 introducing the characters and the other an example of your plot skills? I am new to this site/writing so am only asking not criticizing fella

View original

The BBC Writers Room guidelines state one episode. I sent them a pilot and one of their suggestions in the response I got back was that it's better not to send in the pilot but to pick another one. This may or may not be of use to anyone about to submit, who knows. Maybe they were just looking for new ways of saying 'you can't write for toffee'.

Quote: steve by any other name @ March 13, 2007, 2:11 PM

And I have been advised by the BBC writers room not to submit a pilot episode where you're trying to introduce all of the characters and I can see that this makes sense.

View original

That advice wasn't amongst the comments I got when Writersroom recently returned my 'pilot' episode.

I guess they want an episode that features all your characters - be it the first or later episode.

See I was thinking the thing to do and this is coming from someone who has no experience, but what the hell. Lets say you do a 6part series. Write 5 normal episodes first, giving you a chance to get to know your characters and then write the introductory episode.

This is what I'm going to try anyway. Because I had a lot of trouble writing a good plot, but at the same time worrying about introducing my characters properly. I think this way would take a lot of stress off, maybe I'm wrong (most likely) but it was just a thought.

Quote: Leevil @ March 14, 2007, 1:31 PM

See I was thinking the thing to do and this is coming from someone who has no experience, but what the hell. Lets say you do a 6part series. Write 5 normal episodes first, giving you a chance to get to know your characters and then write the introductory episode.

View original

I think it depends on having the time and inclanation to write more than one episode. This could be a good approach if you have.

I've wrote 4 episodes, writing a 5th now for my sitcom Street Theatre and I've still yet to write the pilot episode. But I'm hoping it will be easier to write now that I've got to know the characters more.

Hi Cricketman

Okay. Here goes:

Taking too long to build a plot. Plot should be ideally set up in first one or two scenes. I'm ten pages in and I don't know what's happening yet.

This might be as you're trying to write a character-building first episode. Don't bother. The characterisation should come out in the dialogue and actions of your characters.

You're overwriting. Sitcom producers want short, snappy dialogue which means cutting an awful lot from your lines and a sort of bang, bang, bang effect coming out of it more than a meandering sort of slowness. Ruthlessly cut any bits you don't need. Go through it word-by-word if necessary and see if you're saying what you want to say in the shortest possible time.

You want tension and jeopardy in most of your scenes. Laughter is the release of tension. Watch any sitcom (any show in fact) and there is some sort of drama in practically *every* scene. That's what you're aiming for to impress a producer.

Some good one-liners in there. Made me giggle in places. 'want buzz? date a vibrator' very funny.

I think the potential's there but you need to work on it a fair bit. As suggested above, forget trying to write the build-the-character episodes and write a few episodes with storylines in. You'll know your characters a lot better after that and it won't seem so hard to pull off 'episode 1'.

Hope this helps

Dan