Hi, I am writing a sitcom about Roadies.

This is currently the opening scene for my pilot. I was wondering how it stood up to an honest critique.

All thoughts welcome.

Thanks

Chad.

INT. BRIXTON ACADEMY - DAY

FADE IN:

The stage lies empty apart from a DRUM RISER sitting UPSTAGE CENTRE. Resting on top of it are three ROADIES dressed in CARGO SHORTS and DARK T-SHIRTS.

They are:

SOLLY, who lies in the middle of the riser, twiddling his TOURCH, lost in thought.

DENNY sits on the back corner, picking ELECTRICAL TAPE from the soles of his boots.

And PAUL who slumps on the front edge, his head never leaves his hands, his voice hung-over and hoarse.

SOLLY:
What about "Boob Snooker"?

DENNY:
How does that work?

SOLLY:
Exactly what it says on the tin.

PAUL:
What? They play with their boobs?

DENNY:
Where do they put the chalk?

DENNY GESTURES CHALKING HIS NIPPLES.

SOLLY:
Don't be a Peanut, It's normal snooker but they've all got their Bronski Beats out.

DENNY:
You mean like "Topless Darts"?

PAUL:
Winner.

ALL FALLS SILENT.

SOLLY:
Alright then, how about "Take the Clunge"?

DENNY:
No!

SOLLY:
Hold up, you don't know what it's about yet.

DENNY:
I know what you're gonna say and I don't want to hear it.

ALL FALLS SILENT.

PAUL:
What's "Take the Clunge"?

SOLLY:
Well, for five thousand pounds the lucky contestant has to be blindfolded and sat beneath one of those old bench style public toilets. Then, his girlfriend, a supermodel, his mom, and a post op transsexual all sit down inside and...

DENNY:
No, no way.

SOLLY:
What?

DENNY:
There is no way the BBC are gonna televise oral incest?

SOLLY:
Not the BBC maybe but ITV3 would. Get Jimmy Carr to host. It'd be massive.

DENNY:
Where, in the Fraggle wing at Rampton prison? No one in their right mind is gonna wanna watch the dickless chicks and a bunch of ropey tarts poking their tattered old moose hoofs thorough a hole in a plank of wood.

PAUL: (head still down)
I would.

DENNY: (angry)
You've been banging on for the last three hours. "How about a game show called 'Race Whores' an urban athletics for prostitutes".

SOLLY:
"Earn money on the track, not on your back." It's an entertaining way of getting vulnerable girls off the streets and into worthy occupations.

DENNY:
What about a water bottle attachment for the side of your bed?

SOLLY:
What's wrong with "The Bed Juicer"? That's a genius idea.
(infomercial voice)
"Never again will you have to leave the warmth and comfort of your bed to quench that midnight thirst. Just fill with a delicious beverage of your choosing and suckle away night or day. A tasty treat from the safety of a teat." It's brilliant.

DENNY:
It's bollocks. You made it out of a portable urinal with a rubber teat stuck on the top of it.

SOLLY:
It was only a prototype. The juicer's gonna be big man you wait. It works for anyone, fat and lazy, the bed ridden, alcoholics, cripples.

DENNY:
Oh yes, how could I forget about your "Paraplegic Pugulist". The crippled Ninja out for revenge.

PAUL:
A Crinja!

SOLLY:
"Way of the Draggin' Legs"

DENNY:
A crippled Ninja?

SOLLY:
"Draggin' Legs" is the tits Rasta.
(to Paul)
Some right nasty bastard with an Afro and a Purple jumpsuit kills his dog and snaps his spine over a friendly bet, and now he has to go around kicking ass in his customized wheelchair.

DENNY:
How? They could just sneak up behind him and tip his chair over.

PAUL:
Or hide upstairs.

DENNY:
You've been banging on about "How you're gonna make it" ever since I've known you and none of it has ever come to anything. Ever.

SOLLY:
Well at least I'm doing something to expand my horizons rather than just sitting around expanding my arse like you.

DENNY:
I don't need to span my horizons, I'm perfectly happy in my job as a musician giving joy to thousands all over the world just as you should be.

SOLLY:
You're not a musician. You tune guitars for a band that's about as fondly remembered as Robin Askwith, in front of audiences that smell of piss and lineament... F**k this noise man I'm done with it. Twenty years touring is enough for me. One more big tour under my belt and I'm off to make it in Hollywood as a director.

DENNY:
And what is your first Hollywood masterpiece to be prey tell? "Kosavo the musical?" or maybe "The life and times of Donny Osmond"?

SOLLY:
Ah, when you've loved and lost like Donny.

DENNY:
Give it up Solomon; it's never going to happen.

SOLLY:
We'll see.

DENNY:
No we won't see. That's the point. You couldn't direct traffic in a straight line down a one-way street. You haven't had one good idea. Not one. Ever. And I'm sick of listening to it.

SOLLY LOOKS HURT.

DENNY:
And where's this bastard truck?

PAUL BURPS SICK IN TO HIS MOUTH, CHEWS A LITTLE THEN SPITS.

SOLLY:
How about, "Hassle Hoff"?

DENNY SLUMPS SLIGHTLY BUT IS INTRIGUED.

DENNY: (sighs)
Go on.

SOLLY:
A hidden camera show wear David Hasselhoff gets slowly bullied over six weeks until he snaps.

PAUL: (sitting up)
Winner.

PAUL QUICKLY REGRETS HIS DECISION TO MOVE AND SINKS BACK INTO HIS HANDS WITH A GROAN.

DENNY: (shakes his head)
I'm gonna take a stoop.

DENNY EXITS STAGE LEFT.

PAUL:
Tell me more about "Take the Clunge".

SOLLY:
Well, do you remember, "Gash in the Attic"?

FADE OUT:

I thought it was very promising.

However, it would be useful to get some conflict going between them, the characters all seemed a bit clichéd and similar. Why not have one of them be a girl and a feminist? Get unrequited love involved, perhaps?

The whole Bed Juicer bit didn't do anything for me, and we need to see more happening than just them sitting around inventing coarse gameshows; so I'd like to read the next bit.

Like many new writers' first works, it's all banter and no plot. Roadying hasn't even been mentioned yet, or rock bands, and as Nogget says, there doesn't seem any potential for conflict, as the characters are so similar. Scrap the whole weird game show conversation and hit the ground running!

Hi Chad.

I quite like the idea of a sitcom about roadies.

I didn't get the dialogue was about gameshows until about half way through the scene. (That could just be me being thick).

Until then, it was just people saying weird things to each other. If I'm confused, I'm not laughing - confusion is the enemy of comedy.

As Beaky says, your characters are too similar and there is no conflict between them at the moment.

You also need a plot - what's going to happen this episode. Sitcom plots are generally introduced in the first scene, if not very shortly thereafter.

American sitcoms are excellent at doing this. Look at the "Big Bang Theory" for a lot of good examples. Their opening scenes are full of jokes, but hidden in there is ALWAYS the plot of the episode. Every single time, you will know what the story will be from scene one.

Good luck with it.

Hi chad, I like your sense of humour and it did make me laugh. I quite like the idea about a few blokes thinking of ways to make it (its what we all do) I think it would be interesting to see what they do to achieve there goals. As for knowing what the plot is in the first couple of pages I don't agree, I think in a comedy the first thing you should do to get the audience attention is make them laugh. When I watch a sitcom for the first time I don't sit there thinking in the opening scene, where's this going, what's going to happen in the end?? I watch it and if it makes me laugh I keep watching and then I will find out what happened! That's the problem these days, people try and think to much and concentrate on the plot instead of concentrating on the funny side of it. Anyway keep it up and do what you're doing cos you made me laugh

Tony, the trick is to combine the two!

Yes but not in the first page! And in a way I suppose it did unfold a bit of a plot in the way of them trying to work out ways to get rich. To me there's the plot

It is only the plot if the rest of the episode is about them setting up game shows or something similar. Otherwise it's just banter.

Have a look at some scripts Tony and study the way that skilled writers manage to combine a plot with jokes. If they have to have some exposition, they hide it wonderfully. If it's not on the first page, it will be there on page 2.

The best lines reveal character, advance the plot AND are funny. That's the real challenge.

A character who sits around shooting the breeze is not really a sitcom character at all. They have to do things, go places, tell lies, hide things, get into ridiculous situations. (The extent of the ridiculousness depends on the sitcom).

Ultimately, if you are writing a script just for yourself, then you can put in as much or as little plot as you like - it's your project.

But if you have any aspirations of getting it made, it's a different story. The the people who matter (producers etc) will want to see plot. And they will want to see if from the off.

Some good points well made. Thank you all for your input.

I shall return.

Ok, I have the script book to the royle family. I have just read the first episode, it started out with Jim moaning about a phone bill to aberdeen and barb talking to Mary about cake prices! At the end of the episode Denise says to Jim if my mate from Aberdeen rings... So is that the plot in that episode?? Other than that it just showed us what these people are like (introducing the characters) don't get me wrong, it's very funny and the characters are very strong but does that not just prove my point that a comedy can just be about a family or friends sitting around and making us laugh?? Say what you like but that's all the royle family is, it's just beautifully written with some very good actors that make it special.

I don't know the Royle Family well enough to point out where the plot points are in that scene. The Royle Family plots were miniscule, but they existed.

However, it is a sitcom with a less obvious plot structure than others, I will grant you that.

But it is a) not a typical sitcom and b) written by people who know what they are doing. They knew the rules so they could break them. They also had a reputation in the industry, so were able to get a non-typical idea out there.

It is very very hard to write "people sitting around making us laugh" and sustain it over 30 mins. I would get bored after about 30 seconds.

But as I said before Tony, it's your project and for you to do what you think is best. That's just my opinion.

I agree with you Jenny and that is also my point, people that have a reputation can write what ever they want, try new things (break the rules) so why can't we do that? That has been my point all along. When Ricky gervais created the office (documentary style) it was good because it was different. If he would of created Derek first then no one would of give him the time of day, but he is ricky gervais he can make what ever he wants! I'm bored of the same sort of sitcoms and I want to see different things on the tele. As long as they make the audience laugh they have achieved there goal. People need to remember that its comedy not drama. These days tele is crazy, look at the only way is Essex! It's a programme that follows the lives of complete dick heads that are up there own arse! But it gets millions of viewers. That new programme skint... It's about the bums of society that are on the dull. All people do is moan about these people but again millions of people tune in to watch it! There are hundreds of programmes like this and they are all getting millions of viewers. My point is I think the way tele is these days you can make something completely different and break the rules, it's just getting the right person to read it and listen, and with the Internet it's easier to be heard than it was 20 years ago. I'm not making a typical sitcom and I never wanted it to be one, I like new ideas and I have a few more up my sleeve

It's TonyD vs BBC/ITV/Channel 4!

Dam right it is! Break the rules people, you might like it.

I think that I'm trying to do the same thing as TonyD, in that I don't want to do another "play to the audience, Ba-Boom Tish.. here's the gag - pause for laughter" sitcoms.

I'd like to play it straight and not so hyper real. But these structures of comedy like "Monster" Characters and plot development are there for very good reason.

I don't want to make my antagonist the angriest most outraged by everything man in the or my Allie to be the stupidest but you still have to obey those rolls and have your characters fulfil those roles albeit more subtly.

And giving plot points early on for audiences to latch on to is good advice.

But the Typical gagfest sitcom is what we are up against at the moment so it looks like we'll have to keep on fighting and rewriting until someone finds it funny enough to pay us money for?

Keep right on tilllthe end of the road Brothers and Sisters.