So I've been experimenting with writing for a few differnet characters and scenarios, and I've come up with a script I quite like about a group of Cold Callers called Simon, Ollie and Dan. Their boss is called Mr Poole, and before this extract he has just had a rather creepy conversation with Simon. Please read it and see what you think. Thanks.

INT. OFFICE - DAY
MR POOLE IS FINISHING TALKING TO TOM.

Mr Poole
Anyway, carry on.

MR POOLE WALKS OFF. OLLY WALKS UP.

Ollie
Simon, you do know Mr Poole has a thing for you?

Simon
A hairy old paedophile? I've had worse.

Ollie
What, like sweaty Sarah?

Simon
Oh, please don't call her that. She wasn't that bad.

Ollie
No, she was worse.

Simon
Well,she had quite sizeable...assets.

Ollie
Yeah, but she produced so much sweat if you put your head between them you'd drown.

DAN WALKS UP.

Dan
You talking about sweaty Sarah?

Ollie
Bingo.

Simon
We'd just finished, actually.

Dan
Oh, don't feel that bad about her. I mean, she is the only girl you've ever managed to get wet...

Simon
Thanks.

Dan
And that was the sweat under her armpits when she walked towards you.

Simon
Great. So, either of you made any sales today?

Ollie
Changing the subject?

Simon
Yep.

Ollie
Ok, well, I've sold a woman car insurance...

Dan
She'll need it...

Simon
And you wonder why all women hate you...

Ollie
...And some old guy home insurance, the funny things being he lives in a care-home.

Dan
Classic. I haven't sold any insurance, but I did mange to sell a washing machine.

Simon
But we don't sell washing machines.

Dan
Yeah, it was mine. We got a new one, so I was gonna eBay the old one, but this was just easier. 400 quid, and I'm not even sure it still works. Did the scuba-diver sell anything?

Simon
Who?

Dan
You. I mean, you must have had to wear the whole kit to survive a hug with Sarah.

Simon
Brilliant. Anyway, I've got to go. Mr Poole's asked me to get some more toilet paper. We've run out.

Dan
So he can wipe his cock on it after wanking over you?

Simon
Good one.

Ollie
That is a bit weird though. I thought we got it delivered.

Simon
Look, he doesn't fancy me. It's probably because we don't get another delivery until Monday.

Dan
Do we even need toilet paper? I never use it, and I'm fine.

Simon
You never use toilet paper? What about when you had that terrible diarrhoea?

Dan
Nahh. It all just comes out in the shower anyway.

Simon
You really are a repulsive creature.

END OF SCENE

Sorry, but this is pretty much all banter.

The opening lines sound depressingly like a real conversation, the lines about selling stuff sound artificial in this context, and then just when your scene needs to pick it up and give us a reason to care about your characters (who all sound pretty similar) and what's going to happen to them, the scene concludes lamely on a joke about toilet paper. Writing jokes about sweaty tits and not wiping probably isn't the best way to appeal to a script reader but it can work if, like the Inbetweeners, the characters have recognisable traits and the plot moves forward quickly enough.

Maybe the script goes somewhere after this scene, but I doubt a script-reader will read that far.

This is what I call a zxig zag script just two guys bouncing lines between them boring for 2 pages deadly for 30

I'd suggest starting over

I like the idea of a sit com about cold callers a lot, it's a job with a good mix of boredom and variation, would allow strong, quirky characters to come out, and could be made very cheaply.

But I didn't like the extract, I'm afraid, I just found it charmless and clunky.

Yeah, this is more of a writing exercise than a real script, hence the lack of direction. I've just been experimenting with different styles of writing, trying to find a style that suits me, and I just thought I'd put one of these experiments up and see what happens. This definitely isn't the style I most enjoy writing, so if it isn't much good anyway I may stay clear of it...