Ok, so I recently finished the first draft of the first episode of a sitcom script I am writing, but before I go any further I would like to have some feedback to help me improve it. Currently I think it may be a bit to much like Peep Show (I have copied the Internal Dialogue idea), but I hope to find a way to put a new spin on this in further rewrites. This is one of the first scenes in the episode, and shows Tom, the main character, going to his new flat for the first time, but the previous owner is still there. Please tell me what you think of it, and how I can improve it. Thanks.

TOM WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR, LOOKING FOR HIS NEW FLAT. HE SEES IT.

TOM (V.O)
There it is, my very own flat. Take that everyone who when to university, because I've got a house.

HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, BUT NO-ONE ANSWERS. HE KNOCKS AGAIN, BUT HAS NO LUCK.

TOM (V.O)
Where is he? He said he would still be here.

HE PUSHES THE DOOR, AND IT OPENS.

TOM (V.O)
This isn't good. This is like something out of a horror film. It would be so typical of me to live out my life with hopes and dreams, only to find I was in a horror movie, and the guy who died before the opening credits. Should I go in?

HE GOES INSIDE.

TOM
Hello?

HE WALKS INTO THE CORRIDOR TO SEE A MAN, DAN, LYING ON THE FLOOR, UNMOVING.

TOM (V.O)
Oh shit! Oh god! Please don't be dead, be anything but dead! What if they think it was me? My life would be over. I can't go to prison, I'm exactly the kind of guy who shouldn't go to prison...I should probably be more concerned about him at the moment.

HE GOES OVER TO DAN AND BEGINS TO TAP HIM.

TOM
Excuse me. Oh god, please wake up!

DAN BEGINS TO STIR.

TOM
Oh thank god! Thank---

BEFORE TOM CAN FINISH HIS SENTENCE, DAN JERKS UPRIGHT AND IS SICK IN HIS FACE.

DAN
Whoa, sorry about that mate.

TOM
That's...(wipes eyes)...ok. I'm Tom. I'm here for the flat.

DAN
Yeah, I think I may have had a bit much to drink. And a bit much to...drugs. What would you call that? A bit much to snort? Yeah. (Remembers) And there was that weird thing I ate off the pavement.

TOM
Ok, well this has been great, but you probably want to be off now.

DAN
I dunno. I mean, now that I think about it, I don't know if I want to go.

TOM (V.O)
Please go.

DAN
I love this flat. Love it like I gave birth to it. Well, maybe not that much. I mean, imagine squeezing a flat out of your vagina. I'm not sure you'd ever be able to love it after that. But I guess it's time to move on. Time to live! I don't even have an STD! Anyway, here are the keys.

HE GIVES THEM TO TOM, EXCEPT ONE.

DAN
I'll keep this one though, in case I ever want to swing by, relive some old memories.

TOM
Are you allowed to do that?

DAN
So, goodbye, and I may see you when I swing by, yeah?

HE WALKS OUT.

TOM (V.O)
Note to self, change the locks.

DAN WALKS BACK IN.

DAN
Oh, and that stain in the living room, that's not blood, if anyone asks.

DAN WALKS OUT AGAIN.

TOM (V.O)
Scratch changing the locks, I need to buy a f**king gun.

HE STARTS TO WALK AROUND THE FLAT.

TOM VO
This place is a tip. I could clean it before Richard gets here, I've got two hours. But then he wouldn't know I'd done it. If I wait for him to get here, and then I clean it, that'll make a good impression. I guess I'll just pick my room.

HE WALKS INTO A SMALL BEDROOM.

TOM (V.O)
Go for the smaller one, be nice? Nahh.

HE WALKS OUT AND INTO THE BIGGER BEDROOM, THEN SITS ON THE BED.

TOM (V.O)
I claim you, bigger room. But what to do now. I could masturbate, mark my territory? No, this place is so dirty I think I'd catch HIV just by getting my cock out.

Tell you want introduce yourself, say hello, that kinda polite shit and I might read it.

Ah, that might be an idea. Sorry, I'm new to the whole forum thing. I'll post a thread on the introductions page.

It's pretty good, but as you said, very much like Peep Show. I think if you're borrowing the trademark internal monologue your characters and setting need to be very different. At the moment it reads like Mark and Super-Hans.

Yeah, I thought so. Later I think it becomes more clear the characters and locations are different, but it still feels to much like Peep Show. I have written a version without the internal dialogue, but I much prefer this one, so I want to find a way to keep the thoughts, but make it more unique.

OK its as good idea nice dialogue but you are funny enough not to need to rip off peep show
Lose the whole Vo the lot. Its like wanking in your own soup

Find an another device maybe he has a dog he talks to or a one sided conversation on his mobile

The rest is pretty good

Thanks for the advice. Hmm, a dog he talks to is a good idea, but then it may be seen as a rip off of the American series Wilfred (why has everyone used all of the good ideas in comedy!?). I'm liking the on the phone idea for this scene, I might try to write it in.

Cat in a cat carrier?

Maybe I'll just make him a young pirate who constantly has a parrot on his shoulder.

Why not?

The dog idea might work if overfriendliness to animals suits your character. I don't think you can be accused of a rip of Wilfred (or Dr Doolittle... no good idea is entirely original) provided your dog behaves like a normal dog.

Even without a pet as a prop, several of your voiceovers work fine as the sort of thing a person mutter to themselves when they don't think anyone's paying attention. The distinctive thing about Peep Show's internal dialogue is the way thoughts they continue to articulate thoughts they wouldn't dare voice whilst trapped in direct conversation; copy that at your peril.

If in doubt there's always the good old safe past tense voiceover.