No. Not really Never means never ever. No exceptions That is part of the 'craft' of scriptwriting

Quote: Marc P @ August 30 2012, 1:38 PM BST

No. Not really Never means never ever. No exceptions That is part of the 'craft' of scriptwriting

View original

That's the trick. If there's one gag that relies on cutting from one image to another directly, then you need to make that clear in some way. Maybe not say something as blunt as 'Camera Cuts Form... to...' but you need to make it clear. You shouldn't be writing down a list of camera directions. So yeah, I suppose that comes down to craft, making it clear without writing a shot list.

In sketches it probably doesn't matter in a spec script it just jumps out - if you give us an example of what you were thinking in terms of we could see how it could be written without camera directions. Remember something as simple as: A TEAR ROLLS DOWN HER EYE, makes the reader go to close up and it is the reader at that stage you are concentrating on. You don;t direct the director overtly in a script is all.

Quote: Marc P @ August 30 2012, 1:50 PM BST

INT OFFICE DAY

MARC P is typing on his laptop made from solid mammoth ivory
With forceful fingerstrokes like a roman legion marching on his keyboard.

In sketches it probably doesn't matter in a spec script it just jumps out - if you give us an example of what you were thinking in terms of we could see how it could be written without camera directions.

MARC P marches around the room waving his fists and roaring at the poor use of screen craft. Before sitting in his chair covered in the tanned hide of Marylin Monroe.

Remember something as simple as: A TEAR ROLLS DOWN HER EYE, makes the reader go to close up and it is the reader at that stage you are concentrating on. You don;t direct the director overtly in a script is all.

MARC P takes a swig from his jewel encrusted goblet and falls out of his chair.

View original

Hypocrite!

Hi all,

Thanks for the all the comments, all make me think a lot about it and the funny ones I like too

I have uploaded the pilot episode, might give you a better general idea about it. Obviously I haven't put into practice some of the ideas you have given me but it's just a go at doing it.

https://www.yousendit.com/download/TEhVblRzckkrV3pIRHNUQw

*Cowers in a corner*

Quote: garyd @ August 30 2012, 1:38 PM BST

I agree with Garry. Are we wrong?

It's good that a character's story is gradually revealled however I find it difficult to empathise if there is no explanation as to why he shits himself or is a dick head.

View original

But...there you are, you see. You make the audience think, 'God, what a dick!', but then you reveal more and give the audience another direction to go in. Predictability is so boring. Making an audience assume one thing and then be amazed when they're proved wrong is a very satisfying thing to do. YOU need to be in control...don't give control to your audience. This is YOUR story...make them work for it and they'll thank you for it.

However, my boyfriend doesn't like watching things he has to think about...so, if you want to write something predictable...he'll watch it.

Quote: Mark Nicholas @ August 30 2012, 3:46 PM BST

Hi all,

Thanks for the all the comments, all make me think a lot about it and the funny ones I like too

I have uploaded the pilot episode, might give you a better general idea about it. Obviously I haven't put into practice some of the ideas you have given me but it's just a go at doing it.

https://www.yousendit.com/download/TEhVblRzckkrV3pIRHNUQw

*Cowers in a corner*

View original

I read this through and it does need some tidying up. There are a few confusing bits (names mixed up etc.) It could have potential, but you need to cram a bit more into it. At the moment, it's a little boring and some of the dialogue is unnecessary...you tend to carry on a joke until it's dead, instead of leaving it and going on to the next one. I see what you mean about needing to find out about the characters. That really does need to be done through the script. Some information has to be given over using conversations etc. A few rewrites and you could have something, but try to strip out the pointless gags and the gags that could be replaced with something even better.

You do have some nice ideas here, but the way they come across in the script doesn't do them justice. Concentrate a bit more on conveying the comedy through the script.

The fact you want to make this work is a good start. If you fall in love with your idea, you will want to keep nurturing it and helping it to grow into something that makes you crazy with pride. Well...at least...crazy.

Thanks for reading.

Oh that's exactly what I didnt want it to be.. That's very bad if it bored you.. Uh oh!

The poor formatting makes it pretty difficult to follow at times. You should read this Newsjack blog about formatting scripts. It's aimed at radio, but adapting it for your own use (using bold, underlined INT, etc) will make your script so much more readable.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/writersroom/posts/newsjack_script_smart_or_smart

Your INT descriptions are a bit long winded.

This...

Quote: Mark Nicholas @ August 30 2012, 7:00 PM BST

INT: Inside a small office with computers in rows and people with headsets on, it becomes obvious that this is a call centre environment. All of the employees are sitting in a semi-circle and watching a “Team Leader” talking to them.

View original

Could easily be...

Quote: Mark Nicholas @ August 30 2012, 7:00 PM BST

INT: Call centre environment. Team leader addressing employees sitting in a semi-circle.

View original

Here are some other points.

- Chess? Surely it's checkers unless you can find different sized distinctive spiders to match the various pieces?
- Great stuff!! (Enthusiastically) - it doesn't really need the enthusiastic direction if you've already got two exclamation marks
- I agree with Joyce, you really need to get ruthless, edit down your script and learn when to move onto the next joke. The 'packer' joke was a mild laugh and it should have ended on ...as in you pack sandwiches. The extra bit was unnecessary. You insulted your audience by explaining it past that point.
- Commas, full stops, capital letters are all good things.

And that's where I got to my limit I'm afraid. Page 10. I was getting bored, and nothing was happening, and the formatting was making it a chore to read.

You should try uploading the script to a place like http://www.scribd.com/ where people can just read it online rather than having to download it.

Thanks for the comments. I will read through that.

I honestly didn't realise it was that bad. A big re-think I reckon.

To think I got an A at A-Level English.. She must be rolling in her grave now. She's not dead.

Don't be disheartened. I've found my own initial drafts to be absolutely cringeworthy. I really regret ever showing them to anyone.

It does get better if you commit to developing your characters and improving your craft. So don't be disheartened if you find the comments above to be negative at times. Just think how much better it will be with the next draft!

I started a new script in January, and I've thrown most of the material out by now and drastically reworked the rest, but in that process, I've really begun to understand what it is I love about every character in the show.

Keep at it.

Yeah...what he said.

You will just keep getting better and better. You'll soon pick up on things you're doing wrong without having to ask for reassurance. Then, you'll start to see others making mistakes you made. Nobody can make you a genius script writer overnight. You have to get there by yourself...and you will.