Productive wank so congratulations to GAPPY, ME, OTTERFOX and SHANDONBELLE for winning. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic please. (I do not have to do the second bit.)
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

1 - 10 - Gappy, Michael Monkhouse, Otterfox, Shandonbelle
Speckled mention: StevieHaitch
Your new subject is THE FIRST DATE in collaboration with Bob Hicks' project at https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/23780/

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.2.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 1 - 13 - Shandonbelle
2 - 10 - Gappy, Michael Monkhouse, Otterfox
3 - 5 - Ishy
4 - 3 - Craig H, Shirl the Whirl

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

FIRST DATA

[2 entirely identical robots are sitting on either side of a small table, which is covered with a checked tablecloth, and has a large old fashioned oil-can in the centre]

ONE: [Expressionless robot voice] This is a nice place.

TWO: [Identical voice] It fulfils those parameters. It is 93% suitable for a courtship interface.

ONE: [Beat. Beep] That figure has been ratified. So, tell me about yourself.

TWO: I like the following: [Disc whirr, then very fast, in lower register] Mineral extraction, objective 6, data collection, Coldplay, data storage, the subjugation of the puny humans.

ONE: I also like [Identical delivery] Mineral extraction, objective 6, data collection, Coldplay, data storage, the subjugation of the puny humans.

TWO: Acquaintance formation complete. Shall we? [Holds up hand, one finger of which is a jack plug] I wouldn't normally do this on a first date.

ONE: I would. When confronted with identical stimuli I always respond in an identical manner.

TWO: Me too. It was a joke.

BOTH: [Monotone] Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

ONE: 67% amusing. That passes threshold for acceptable coupling.

[The both reach arms across the table, and put their jack fingers into equivalent sockets on each other's chests. Hold for 2 seconds, and remove]

TWO: Thank you. Now I must depart. It has been a most satisfactory [Whirr, then same swift low tone as before] 63.2146 seconds.

[Enter THREE, a different sort of robot, with a different robot voice]

THREE: You two appear to be getting on very well.

TWO: It was predicted. We have much in common. We are both Mineral Management Droids Class B Model 841/Q Revision 17f. Our serial numbers are contiguous.

THREE: That means you are siblings. You should not couple.

ONE: Negative. Our manufacturers have deemed this acceptable.

[ONE stands to leave. We see the Texas Instruments logo on his back. He beeps the Speak N Spell melody]

BADLY DATED

BAR.
A DOCTOR gushing over the table:

DOCTOR Mmm you're so cute, you look adorable, do let's get out of here and back to my place...

He's talking to a pair of jeans.

SUPERIOR (off) Doc, can you stop that dating genes.

EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM APPROACHES EVE

ADAM:
Sooooo.... do you come here often?

TWO YOUNG WOMEN ARE CHATTING OVER COFFEE.

HAYLEY -
How did your date go?

CHERYL -
Well it was a bit embarrassing. I was meeting him at Waterloo Station, and he was going to wear a flower in his buttonhole, so I'd know it was him.

HAYLEY -
So what went wrong?

CHERYL -
Every bloke on the station thought I was eyeing them up. I forgot it was poppy day!

HAYLEY -
So did you get the right bloke in the end?

CHERYL -
I'm not sure. He was admiring my rosebuds, but I had a daisy in my buttonhole.

HAYLEY -
So are you going to see him again?

CHERYL -
Oh yes, if I show him my lobelia, he's going to show me his peony. He said it grows really big, in the right conditions. I've got some really sharp secateurs - I might prune it for him!

EXT. NIGHT. A YOUNG COUPLE ARE HAVING A ROMANTIC STROLL ALONG A BEACH.

ANDREW:
Jennifer, I know this is only our first date and I know I've had a lot to drink...maybe it's the effect of the moon or the soft lapping of the waves against the shore.

ANDREW GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. JENNIFER IS A MIXTURE OF SHOCKED AND PLEASED.

ANDREW:
Jennifer, will you carry me..I'm f**king pissed.

END.

INT. RESTAURANT.

[ANGELINA JOLIE and COLIN are sitting at an intimate candlelit table in a restaurant. COLIN is an awkward spotty teenager, he is sweating heavily and looks distinctly uncomfortable.]

COLIN:
So erm, thanks for coming Angelina, I never thought that when I wrote you that letter you would actually agree to go on a date with me.

ANGELINA:
How could I resist, I read your lovely letter and jumped on the next plane over here.

COLIN:
I've seen all your films.

ANGELINA:
You are so sweet.

[Angelina licks her lips seductively]

COLIN:
Ooh erm, I, mean erm, this food is nice isn't it.

ANGELINA:
I'm not really hungry... well not for food anyway.

COLIN:
Oooerr.

[Angelina leans over and gently strokes Billy's cheek.]

INT. COLIN'S BEDROOM

[Colin awakens and sits up suddenly]

COLIN:
Oh no not again!

INT. KITCHEN

[Colin nervously looks round as he shoves his bedsheets into the washing machine.]

END

INT - A trendy wine bar.

A bearded man in flowing white robes shimmies over to an attractive blond woman sitting cross-legged on a barstool.

MAN
Hey, I'm Jesus, Son of Man; can I buy you a drink?

The blond eyes him up and down.

BLOND
Right, and I'm Mary Magdalene, wanton temptress, I'll have a sparkling white wine thanks.

JESUS
Sparkling white wine? sparkling WHITE wine??? really yeah?

BLOND
It's from California, the house white, I never drink anything else.

JESUS
CALIFORNIA?? God above ( he raises his arms in the air, the sleeves of his robes swishing) this isn't the way man, this is kind of not ok...red you know is the colour of the...but yeah alright, we've only just met and all that, I shouldn't be such a stickler.

(To the barman)
Two glasses of sparkling house white please. (He perches himself on the stool next to her)

The barman brings the two wines.

JESUS
Sooo, you hungry?

BLOND
A little, they do a nice club sandwich with kettle crisps on the side.

JESUS
(He spits out his wine) CLUB SANDWICH?? KETTLE CRISPS?? What about the bread of life? Oh, they don't do the bread of life after 3pm eh? is that it? Is that it?

BLOND
I dunno, they do food up until nine I think....

JESUS' mobile phone rings...he answers.
Yeah, alright, I know THAT. Sorry, ok fine, see ya soon.
(He hangs up)
Look er, this dating thing is not really me after all...(slugs back the last of his wine)

BLOND
Oh I get it, that was the wife was it??

JESUS
No, that was my father calling, he's not well pleased.

INT. Godfrey, a weedy oik of around 25, is standing by the door in a shop as Cindy, a pretty girl, walks towards the exit. Godfrey opens the door for her and then leers.

As she starts to go through the door, Godfrey squeezes out beside her, squashing her.

She's not amused.

GODFREY
Ooh, look at us - we're going out together!

CINDY
What the..? What's up with you?

GODFREY
Anyway, so where are we off to, beautiful?

CINDY
We? Eeeugh! Well, I'm catching the number 9 to Bilhurst as usual. What's it got to do with you nerdy boy?

Godfrey pretends to take a wire from his ear and peers at her quizzically

GODFREY
Sorry, did you say something? I was talking to a mate on my mobee about where she wanted to go tonight.

CINDY (Looking a bit embarrassed)
Oh, erm sorry. I thought you were talking to me.

Godfrey follows her to the bus stop and they get on a number 9 where Cindy approaches the bus driver

CINDY
Single to Bilhurst please.

GODFREY
Oh, I was thinking of ordering the exact same thing. Make that two please, garcon.

Cindy and the driver frown at Godfrey before Cindy goes off to grab a seat on the top floor. Godfrey follows her as she sits by the window on a double seat.

GODREY
Shall I take your coat, madam?

CINDY
What? Sod off!

He sits down.

GODFREY
Luckily we didn't have to reserve it. What a lovely view from here. We've got a great seat, haven't we?

He sidles up to Cindy.

CINDY
Get away from me, you perv! Get out of my space!

Godfrey suddenly gets up and stomps off while shouting at her.

GODFREY
That's it! I can't do this any more - we're finished!

Cut to Godfrey on the street bumping into an older woman

WOMAN
Hello, Godfrey, babes. How are ya?

GODFREY
Tut, I don't want to talk about it. Just split up with me girlfriend, didn't I. Can't believe we were on our first date too. She just said she needed more space. I'm gutted.

WOMAN
Aaah, luv. Shame.

GODFREY
Yeah, oh well. Any chance of a sympathy shag?

WOMAN
Godfrey! I'm your mother!

GODFREY
Take that as a 'no' then.

Godfrey trudges off dejectedly.

END

INT RESTAURANT. A WOMAN (JULIE) AND A MAN (GEORGE) HAVE JUST GOT SEATED

GEORGE:
Hello. Julie? Pleased to meet you.

JULIE:
Hello George. It's a bit cold outside isn't it?

THE COUPLE SHAKE HANDS

GEORGE:
Really? I'm boiling. I thought I was dying on the train coming down here it was so hot. I hate trains.

JULIE:
Oh, I love trains. Sitting there watching the world go by. I love just switching off.

GEORGE:
I can never switch off. Got to be doing something all the time.

JULIE:
Surely not all the time. What about a night in, by an open fire. Bottle of wine, film on the TV, getting cosy?

GEORGE:
Last film I watched was The Karate Kid Part III. It was incredible, best night out I'd ever had, but after that I vowed never to set foot in a cinema again.

JULIE:
Why?

GEORGE:
Do you know, I can't for the life of me remember.

JULIE LOOKS CRESTFALLEN

JULIE:
I wonder if my cat is ok. She's with a friend tonight.

GEORGE:
I hate cats. (beat) I mean I love cats. I mean really love them. Especially Top Cat.

JULIE GOES QUIET AND IS OBVIOUSLY UPSET.

JULIE:
So much for internet dating eh? They must have made a mistake. We're not compatible at all.

GEORGE NOW LOOKS SAD BUT THEN A SMILE CROSSES HIS FACE.

GEORGE
You said you like music? Check this out.

HE REACHES UNDER THE TABLE AND PULLS OUT A LARGE TUBA AND STARTS TO PLAY OOMPAH MUSIC. JULIE SEES THIS, SMILES WEAKLY AND REACHES UNDER THE TABLE TO PULL OUT A CELLO. GEORGE'S TUBA PARPS ONE LAST TIME AND HE GETS UP AND WALKS OUT

Liked them all this week, but going for an uncharacteristicly short Otterfox. It really tickled me!

Tricky to choose this week but going for Ishy's, loved the ending.

It's Otterfox for me.

Otterfox for me too.

Otterfox for me