HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! That was f**king genius.

I vote that Charley wins in perpetuity!

I know what I'm voting for

I suspect we will all feel the same way. Very funny Charley!

INT. MARKETING AGENCY. A MEETING ROOM. TWO MEN IN SUITS ARE ENTERTAINING JESUS. THERE IS A CALENDAR ON THE DESK: MON 7 JAN 2008.

TODD:
So Christmas wasn’t so hot then?

JESUS: (SHAKES HEAD GRIMLY)
Ungodly, worst ever…

PHIL: (IN ADMIRATION)
Jesus, can I just say… well, I can’t believe it’s really you and that you’ve chosen us for this job! It’s just amazing!

JESUS: (SMILES)
Yes it’s me... but you know what… what your agency does for brands like Coke and Mickey D’s, now THAT’S what I call FUCKING amazing! That stuff is total shite and it’s bigger than I’ve ever been…

PHIL LOOKS SHOCKED. TODD STANDS BEHIND JESUS’S BACK AND GIVES PHIL THE TOSSER SIGNAL.

PHIL: (CONFUSED, BECOMES DEFENSIVE)
Yeah, well… people LIKE that shite… it helps… er, Todd?

TODD:
Phil, I need to bring you up to speed… he’s just a bloke and that’s all he ever was… it was great PR… but there’s no God, no Virgin, no Holy Ghost, no miracles… zippo, nada …it was all (BEAT) hype… Well, most of it…

PHIL: (SHOCKED)
What? No curing the sick, no water into wine, no feeding the five thousand?

JESUS: (BRIGHTENS)
We did that one!

PHIL:
The feeding of the five thousand?

JESUS:
Well, it wasn’t quite that many…

PHIL:
Even 500 hundred would have been impressive!

JESUS:
Er, less than that actually…

PHIL:
Fifty?

TODD:
It was five Phil, it was the feeding of the five.

PHIL: (ASTOUNDED)
Five?

JESUS: (SHEEPISH)
I had five loaves and two fish so they all had a loaf and a bit of fish each… even then, they were still hungry…

TODD: (IMPATIENT)
Look Jesus, time is money… “The Second Coming”… forgive the seasonal pun here but we need to “Talk Turkey”… above the line, below the line… what’s on the table?

JESUS:
Well, money’s tight but we thought you could maybe re-launch The Bible quite cheaply?

TODD:
Cheaply? “The Second Coming” on the cheap!? (SARCASTICALLY) Maybe you could ride through the streets on a unicycle waving a f**king flag saying “Here I am, back again!”

JESUS: (IMPRESSED)
Look I’ve got tennis elbow… could we use a body double?

TODD PICKS UP A CAN OF COKE AND LOOKS ON THOUGHTFULLY AS HE TUGS ON THE RING PULL…

JESUS:
I need some good shit and can someone tell me where to ‘sign on’?

END

I think you may be too late Franky. Charley's arse f**ked us all. Literally, metaphorically, infact in any ally you could probably mention. And I bet she's no stranger to a strap-on.

Quote: roscoff @ January 1, 2008, 6:25 PM

I think you may be too late Franky. Charley's arse f**ked us all. Literally, metaphorically, infact in any ally you could probably mention. And I bet she's no stranger to a strap-on.

View original

I had already written it so I may get the odd stray vote but I think Charley will probably take all the twenties with her fanny stuff!

Charley you are a genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is brilliant!

HIGH RESOLUTION
INT NIGHT.

A WISE BEING ADDRESSES A MISERABLE-LOOKING MAN IN A DARK ROOM. THE WISE BEING WEARS A TALL HAT MADE OF EGG SHELLS, ORANGES CUT IN HALF ON HIS CHEEKS, A DILDO FOR A NOSE AND SMALL TUSKS.

Man:
So, I ask you for one New Year’s resolution, to make me greater, oh wise one.

Wise one:
I say to you only that you smile at people more when you are talking to them.

Man:
But I’m such a curmudgeonly man – how shall I achieve this?

Wise one:
Whatever is necessary.

THE WISE ONE DISAPPEARS IN A PUFF OF SMOKE. THE MAN HAS TO EXTINGUISH A SMALL FIRE ON THE FLOOR WHERE THE WISE MAN STOOD.
CUT TO EXT DAY - A SCHOOL FIELD. THE MAN IS IN A TRACK SUIT, TEACHING P.E. TO A GROUP OF TEENAGE CHILDREN.

Man:
So, we’ll try once around the fields and the winner gets the next lesson off. Go on then!

HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE, SMILING. HE HAS ONE ARM BEHIND HIS BACK. THE CHILDREN DISPERSE. ONE CHILD SAYS TO ANOTHER CHILD,

Child:
‘God, sir’s in such a good mood.’

AS THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE BACK OF THE MAN, WHO IS WATCHING AND SMILING, THE VIEWER CAN SEE WHAT HIS OTHER HAND IS DOING. HE IS FINGERING HIS OWN ANUS.

CUT TO THE WISE ONE ADDRESSING THE MAN AGAIN.

Wise one:
I saw you took my advice well.

Man:
I know – it worked a treat – put it there!

HE EXTENDS HIS HAND, WHICH THE WISE ONE SLAPS DOWN..

Wise one:
Get off, yer dirty bastard.

CUT

INT. HEAVEN. DAY.

A DSIHEVELLED GOD IS ASLEEP ON A SOFA, HE SUDDENLY WAKES UP AND WINCES.

HE LOOKS AT THE CALENDER. IT READS 1st Jan 0.

GOD
Damn that was some 7 day bender, hope I didn't do anything I silly.

FLASHBACK REVEALS AN EXTREMLTY SPED UP NATIVITY.

GOD
Bugger!

END

(PS I suspect I may be alone in this, but I really didn't find Charlies sketch that funny, I guess the people mentioned probably find it hilarious as they are being parodied and the idea or re-inforcing forum character stereo-types is an excellent idea (and sure has been done before here I seem to remember), I just found it nowhere near her normal high standard but congratulations on your inevitable win.)

I echo Danny's sentiments about Charlie's sketch. As a standalone piece it just makes no sense to anyone not on this board!

Oh no, it'd still make sense. Just not so much, or in the same way. And we've already written the character establishment ourselves without knowing it, so that would have to be transferred into the real world alongside it - even though that wouldn't strictly make a standalone.

But anyway, on with the competition.

HORROR-SCOPE

Aries
With the Moon still in your opposite sign of Libra, 2008 is not looking good and neither are you. That mountain supply of Body Shop products you received at Christmas from “your friends” should have told you that. Time to get back under that bridge, you scrotal faced medusa!

Taurus
Be careful, Taurus. That party shag you had in the office was captured on CCTV and is doing the rounds on You Tube! I had a look and have to tell you, she was so not worth it. An appointment at your local STD clinic is on the cards for January, otherwise 2008 will be an itchy and painful one.

Gemini
There's just no talking sense to you this year, is there? You’re Boxing Day engagement to Mary Chipperfields lost chimp was not a good move, especially with your track record with animals. Barricade yourself indoors, drink lots of gin and when Venus enters you later on in the year you can kiss and tell to the local rag and claw back some of the money you spent on your Argos wedding.

Cancer
Just be yourself! We all know what an arsehole you are, so why not just accept it? The first few months of the year will be difficult, but soon friends [well, your mother at least] will forgive you. Things will soon start to warm up when Mercury is rising, so keep your rectal thermometer handy.

Leo
You weak willed pansy! Why did you agree to stop smoking this year? We all know you’re going through a divorce, had your house repossessed and thrown in your £45K accountancy job to become a voluntary sexual-orientation youth team leader in Tower Hamlets. You plum! Get back on the fags quickly before the fags get on the back of you.

Virgo
All's peaceful in the eyes of Virgo's. You know what I think? You’re deluding yourself. This year could be all milk and honey but only if you kick Charlie and stop chasing after little boys in tight trousers. They are not your friends. Give yoga a try and keep off the Stella Artois, you twat!

Libra
Thanks to the Moon still in your own sign your werewolf tendencies are clear for all to see. Things should improve for Summer 2008 however, if you shave your hairy minge and donate the cuttings to that bald bloke who lives in the flat below you. He’ll be so pleased that he may actually pop your cherry. Go get ‘em curly Sue.

Scorpio
Thought about your suicide attempt for this year? Of course you have, you think about it every year. But don’t jump too soon, as light is at the end of the tunnel and I’m not talking about the Cardiff to Paddington train line either. In 2008 all your money worries will be solved as you work hard to pay back those vultures. As Saturn leaves your sign in late Autumn, so will your mother and your inheritance will come to your aid. Hurrah!

Sagittarius
The answer in 2008 my friend is blowing in the wind. Now this could be taken two ways. Remember watching Kenny G as a child and dreaming of being a top saxophonist? Well this year that dream could be yours. On the other hand it could mean that you end up being a male prostitute and suck cock for a year. Still, it pays for those music lessons.

Capricorn
You're feeling horny, aren't you! Well so you should, you sexy little minx. That promotion you’ve been after? You’ll get it, thanks to your in-hand approach and late night filing for your boss. Beware as the Sun enters Uranus. He may be the bosses little boy, but he’s got a cock the size of your fist. No pain, no gain.

Aquarius
I don’t want to piss on your bonfire, but in 2008 make sure you read that contract with MI5 before you sign it. Sure, we’ve all seen the Bond films but it’s not going to be like that is it? I mean c’mon, you’re not the prettiest of girls and Miss Monneypenny was only a secretary. You’ve just signed to have your eyes injected with zirconium!

Pisces
You're going to be big in 2008, as Mars is in your sign throughout the year. Which, of course, is very apt as remember those extra mince pies that you told your kids were for Santa and his reindeer? You ate them didn’t you? What a fat cow you really are. The good news is that your feeding-frenzy will end as Mars leaves and Earth descends. In fact, 6 feet of earth will descend on you after you die of acute heart disease on your birthday in September. Enjoy the last of the summer wine! (Somone has to).

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Quote: Winterlight @ January 2, 2008, 8:59 AM

I echo Danny's sentiments about Charlie's sketch. As a standalone piece it just makes no sense to anyone not on this board!

View original

Well Winterlight it is a BSG sketch & peeps on this board are part of BSG.
Thanks to all for the nice comments. I did do a similar one many moons ago. It is just a sketch for a comp not a television drama. No one has won anything yet guys & maybe I should have just stuck it in critique instead of here. I am quite happy to move it. It was for fun not a war. I can always do another new year sketch as an entrant.
If these comps are going to turn into a nit pick rather than a stand alone simple sketch competition I will cease to play. Just dont vote for what you dont like. Simple as. It is only for a win of points. Not a Maldivian Island courtesy of President Maladalavadoo.
Glad my little FUN sketch made some peeps giggle. That was the point in it. Like I say I am happy to move it!

Quote: Charley @ January 2, 2008, 4:15 PM

Well Winterlight it is a BSG sketch & peeps on this board are part of BSG.
Thanks to all for the nice comments. I did do a similar one many moons ago. It is just a sketch for a comp not a television drama. No one has won anything yet guys & maybe I should have just stuck it in critique instead of here. I am quite happy to move it. It was for fun not a war. I can always do another new year sketch as an entrant.
If these comps are going to turn into a nit pick rather than a stand alone simple sketch competition I will cease to play. Just dont vote for what you dont like. Simple as. It is only for a win of points. Not a Maldivian Island courtesy of President Maladalavadoo.

View original

I liked your sketch have you got anything you want cleaning?

I think you got a few of those BSG types spot on!