Hi guys, I'm Matt, I'm 17 and I count myself as a writer.

I have an idea for a comedy, I think it is pretty good, but then again, I would think that.

I don't know whether it is original, or not. I have never heard of anything like it before. I would love a writing partner in this, and if you are interested, I would be happy to hear.

Main Characters:
- Marc Chambers (32)
- Gary Davis (30)
- Shaun Jones (35)
- Charlie Hart (29)

These men, are best friends, they have been friends for years, drinking at the same pub, hanging out with eachother. One day, they decide they need to get fitter because they can't pull and their beer bellies are becoming abnormal. So they decide to put their money together to start a sunday league football team, having to find the other members of the team.

How does it sound?

All feedback appreciated.

If you're interested, either comment on this, or send me an email.
matthoskinsofficial@gmail.com

Hi,

I think it would be useful to suggest the relationship dynamics between the characters, as well as hint at the potential conflict, antagonism, tension and consequences of the characters actions.

At the moment the premise appears to be: four fat blokes decide to get fit. Which isn't much of a story.

Sorry, and goodluck with it, Jacparov.

Sounds reasonable enough but more comedy drama the way you've described it, with them presumably moving from pub days to fitter days. I agree the relationships will make or break it. Why not have one older guy in his forties? Or constrasting brothers? Or a reluctant participant who really wants to stay in the pub?

Work out the story first as this does indeed sound more like a comedy drama than a Sit-Com.

The story is more important than anything else ie beginning, middle & end.
If it's compelling then the right characters will form themselves around it.

A notoriously hard thing to get right (and get commissioned) but worth having a crack.

Best of British.

Quote: Matt Hoskins @ June 13 2011, 2:32 PM BST

How does it sound?

View original

Like a 3-week story arc from EastEnders.

Start work on something else.

It sounds like it could work as a Comedy Lab episode, on Channel 4.

Interesting but it needs a killer twist.

Quote: don rushmore @ June 13 2011, 4:07 PM BST

Start work on something else.

View original

Or, on a more positive note, get it written, THEN start on something else.

Chances are, this early in your writing career, the main reason it'll be no good is lack of practice rather than the idea itself.
But sometimes you just need to get stuff finished so you can get onto the next thing.

It won't be time wasted.

Agree with all points. However, the OP asked us for feedback on 'originality' and such. Not about practice.

It's a given, the more you write, the more you'll improve. No one's disputing that.

You have your scenario, it could work well if you can think of plenty of opportunities to add humour to their situation.

You need to flesh out your characters, a list of names and ages tells us very little, what are they like, how are the characters different, how do they interact with each other.

Is it going to be self contained episodes, with them ending up back at square one at the end of each episode or is there going to be an ongoing storyline with their situation improving or deteriorating as the series progresses?

Quote: don rushmore @ June 13 2011, 7:36 PM BST

Agree with all points. However, the OP asked us for feedback on 'originality' and such. Not about practice.

It's a given, the more you write, the more you'll improve. No one's disputing that.

View original

You're right.

It's just that sometimes you spend all your time waiting for the 'never seen before' concept when, more often than not it's the 'vaguely familiar but bloody well written' that gets made.
Having said that if the OP is envisaging a 6 x 1hr epic, he might be better starting on something a little less ambitious.

If this show already existed it would be the kind of thing I detest but a guaranteed primetime ITV1 Drama ratings winner.

I reckon it may be hard be original within this forula though, as the team would no doubt start out weak and get better and maybe even make it to a local cup final mighty ducks style, the men would have to comically fail their goals before knuckling down and achieving fitness via antics and general "what are we like, eh?" antics and mishaps, their partners would be Full Monty type cyphers/doubters/eventual cheerleaders (learning some important interpersonal and moralistic life lessons along the way) pretty much a Carling commercial stretched over several acts/arcs.

If James Corden is cast ensure his character is put into a coma scene 1, episode 1 and then I'll watch.

Good luck

Quote: jacparov @ June 13 2011, 2:51 PM BST

I think it would be useful to suggest the relationship dynamics between the characters, as well as hint at the potential conflict, antagonism, tension and consequences of the characters actions.

At the moment the premise appears to be: four fat blokes decide to get fit. Which isn't much of a story.

View original

Agreed. You need to work out their interactions and how the comedy would come out of this. Also, what sort of sitcom would this be and who do you invision would be watching this and finding it funny?

Badge and 404 Not Found raise good points in that these characters need to have flaws, problems, and personality traits. How are they different from each other and what makes them tick.

Matt, I'm sure you're aware of this. Have a read of that site, if you're serious, buy a book on sitcom writing. Then, when you've done your first draft, post it up in the critique section

Good luck ma boy