This Christmas based sketch is The Jeremy Kyle Show: My girlfriend says she's a virgin, but she's pregnant."
SCENE 1. THE JEREMY KYLE SET
JEREMY KYLE IS ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE THE CAPTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN SAYS “MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS SHE’S A VIRGIN, BUT SHE’S PREGNANT.”
JEREMY KYLE:
Hello and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle Show. Today an interesting case, he thinks his girlfriend has cheated on him and is pregnant with someone else’s child. Yet she claims she’s a virgin.
THERE IS A GASP FROM THE AUDIENCE.
JEREMY KYLE: (CONT'D)
Let’s get Joseph on the show.
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD AS JOSEPH ENTERS, IN MATCHING SKY BLUE TRACK SUIT TOP AND BOTTOM WITH A BURBERRY CAP AND COVERED IN ARGOS JEWELLERY, HE HAS A SHAVED HEAD, A COUPLE OF MISSING TEETH AND A SCAR ON HIS LEFT CHEEK WHERE HE HAS BEEN HIT WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE.
JOSEPH SLUMPS DOWN ON A CHAIR AND IMMEDIATELY SLAMS HIS HAND DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS AND STARTS FIDDLING WITH HIS CROTCH.
JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph welcome.
JOSEPH RESPONDS IN A BROAD MANCHESTER ACCENT.
JOSEPH:
Alright?
JEREMY KYLE:
So your fiancée, Mary. What happened?
JOSEPH:
Yeah, right, we aint never ‘ad it off, or owt. But ya’ know, she comes to us the other day goin’ on that some Spanish bloke named Engel reckons she’s pregnant and told her to call it “Jesus” (Pronounced the Spanish way “Hey-Zeus”). Turns out she is prego. But we ‘ant done it. So I dunno what to do. Ya’ know?
JEREMY KYLE:
Yet, she claims she’s a virgin?
THERE IS A RUSTLING FROM A CONFUSED AUDIENCE.
JOSEPH:
Yeah but, ya’ know, how can that be true? Cause I’ve never shot me load up ‘er or anyfin’! I reckon it’s that Engel, I reckon he’s done her.
JEREMY KYLE:
I don’t know. We need some answers. Let’s get Mary on the show!
THERE IS BOOING AS AN IRRATE MARY, WHO IS HEAVILY PREGNANT ENTERS WEARING A PINK LE COQ SPORTIF TRACKSUIT, HER HAIR PULLED TIGHTLY IN A SINGLE PIGTAIL TO THE LEFT SIDE OF HER HEAD AND WITH GIANT LOOPING EARRINGS LIKE A PIRATE. SHE BEGINS POINTING AND SWEARING AGGRESSIVELY AT JOSEPH.
MARY:
You *beep*in’ liar! You *beep*in’ liar!
JOSEPH SITS UP A TAD AND REMOVES HIS HAND FROM HIS BOXERS, BASIC MANNERS WHEN A LADY IS PRESENT.
JOSEPH:
No, no.
MARY:
Who the *beep* do you think you are? Hey? Comin’ on here, makin’ me out as some kind of slapper! I aint never done owt! I’m a *beep*in’ virgin! You stupid *beep*
JOSEPH:
No.
MARY:
You’re so full of *beep*. What do you think I am?
JOSEPH:
No.
JEREMY KYLE:
Calm down.
MARY:
This is so *beep*in’ typical. Fink yer hard? Goin’ on t’telly sayin’ ya missus is a slapper. Fink yer hard? Pathetic.
JEREMY KYLE:
Sit down, shut up and we can resolve this!
THERE IS A CHEER FROM THE AUDIENCE, AS JEREMY KYLE GETS STERN. A SHOCKED MARY TAKES A SEAT.
JEREMY KYLE:
You claim you’re a virgin, yet. You’re pregnant. Who’s this Engel, then?
MARY: (TO JOSEPH)
You stupid *beep*. Not Engel. A *beep*ing Angel.
JEREMY KYLE:
Mind your language. (PAUSE) An Angel?
MARY:
Yeah, I’m there, right, talking to Moesha on my mobie and this stupid cow with wings and *beep* flies in through me window. Reckons I’m pregnant and told me to only go and call it Jesus. Don’t even like that name. I prefer Damien. So I take one of those tests you have a slash on and turns out I am.
JEREMY KYLE:
When was the last time you took hallucinogenic drugs?
MARY:
I did a tab of acid last Tuesday, but I weren’t trippin’ at t’time. Honest.
JEREMY KYLE:
You say you’re a virgin.
MARY:
I am.
JEREMY KYLE:
Yet you’re pregnant.
MARY:
No, no, you’re makin’ me out to be a right slapper. But I aint never done sex. I’m a virgin, honest.
JEREMY KYLE:
Well, young lady, it’s hard for me, to understand how a supposed virgin has gone and gotten herself pregnant.
THERE IS A CHEER FROM AN AGREEING AUDIENCE.
MARY:
No, no. What I reckon it was, is I have noshed ‘im off you see.
JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph?
MARY:
Yeah, of course. Well I was noshin’ ‘im off, yeah? And he blew a big load and some dribbled down and I reckon it went in me gash.
JOSEPH:
Nah, I don’t reckon.
MARY:
Shut up!
MARY GETS UP AND PUSHES JOSEPH. THE CROWD STIR!
JEREMY KYLE:
Calm down. Calm down. We have, here, the DNA results of your unborn child.
JEREMY KYLE IS HANDED AN ENVELOPE BY A RUNNER. MARY SITS CONFIDENT OF ACQUITAL.
JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph, if the results show you’re not the father, what will you do?
JOSPEH:
I dunno, can’t be doin’ with all this stress, gotta’ go Bethlehem this winter, not ‘appy with that. I hear accommodation is a right *beep* there.
JEREMY KYLE:
Language. And if you are?
JOSEPH:
Well I dunno.
MARY:
You’ll *beep*ing apologise, is what you’ll do. And you’re gonna, just you watch. Mark my words! Read the results.
JEREMY KYLE:
Don't speak to me like that, young lady.
THE AUDIENCE CHEER
JEREMY KYLE OPENS THE ENVELOPE AS MARY SITS STARRING AT JOSEPH WITH A SMUG AND CONFIDENT GRIN ON HER FACE.
JEREMY KYLE:
The DNA results show that Joseph (PAUSE) is not the father of your child.
THE AUDIENCE GASP.
MARY:
No! That’s not right! You’re wrong! You can’t be right! What the *beep* sort of shambles is this. You’re ‘avin’ a laugh. No, not ‘avin’ that. No way. No…
JEREMY KYLE:
Why don’t you just shut up, love. I think you’ve said and done enough. You’ve lied to us and what's worse. You've lied to your fiancée !
MARY, OBVIOUSLY FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE RESORTS TO CRYING. SHE THEN STORMS OFF THE STAGE.
JOSEPH SITS FORWARD. HOLDING HIS HEAD.
JEREMY KYLE:
Joseph, you’re a good bloke, mate. And you listen to me.
JEREMY MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH JOSEPH.
JEREMY KYLE:
You listening? You can do much better than her. She has betrayed your trust and she has only been caught out because she wasn’t careful enough. God knows how many times she’s done this sort of thing and you’ve never found out. I’ve met blokes like you before being dragged along by a liar and a cheat and you need to stand-up for yourself and say “I wont stand for this anymore.” Alright?
AN OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED JOSEPH NODS. JEREMY KYLE FACES THE CAMERA.
JEREMY KYLE:
And that is it for today’s show. Tomorrow. We hear a fascinating tale of a wife, who’s husband is obsessed with building a boat, stealing animals and pay any attention to her. He’s also a heroin addict.
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AS WE FADE TO BLACK.
