POSTED THIS IN THE WRONG FORUM, Some admin please move it to the criticism one.

I know it's not really writing, but it's kind of writing given that you write a skelleton outline of some of the jokes you will be using, any tips very much welcome.

I suppose I’ll start by sharing with you something I found out recently,
You know how some women have writing on their T-Shirts.
Across the breast area.
You’re allowed to read that right?
Yeah, you’re allowed to read that.
I found out recently that rule doesn’t apply when it’s in Brail.

I am glad you laughed at that because otherwise I just look like a pervert
Whereas Now, I look like an amusing pervert, which somehow seems a whole lot better.

Now, does anyone here hate cold callers?

Shit, I used to be one.
To be honest even as a caller you prefer the people who just tell you to f**k off, you dial them, hello, F**k off, excellent, Next!

Theres nothing worse than getting someone who’s interested, “what you mean you ARE interested in expanding your telecommunications solutions, you f**king loser, are you sure it’s just I have got another 40 of these to get through before lunch”

The best people though were the ones that had fun with you, I remember one guy said he was interested but could I phone him on the other line, so he gave me this other number and fool that I was I dialled it.

Turnout out to be a phone sex line.

It’s very difficult to explain to your boss quite why that came up on the list of people you called recently.

It’s even more difficult to explain why you stayed on the line for 10 minutes.

And you’d better just hope he doesn’t notice the stains on the desk.

I used to think that guy was a legendm until I realized that in order for him to be able to do that he must have known the number for sex chat off by heart, suddenly my respect for him wasn’t so high.

Now, before I move on to another topic, some advice.

If a woman asks you “do I look fat in this”

Whatever you do don’t reply “what do you mean ‘in this’” or at least if you do reply with that make sure she isn’t between you and the nearest exit.

Don’t you think that Romeo was a complete bastad?

Juliette you are the sun to me.

What? Massive and mostly composed of Gas?
I can’t bear to look directly at you without the use of a pinhole camera?

I think it would be better for all of us if you were billions of miles away, and on fire.

I wonder if Juliette replied, your love making is like a red red rose.

I grasp for a mighty stalk but just end up recieving a tiny prick.

Another good one is, shall I compare thee to a British Summer, you don’t come oftern enough and it’s always a disappointment when you do.

Ok, some more advice. When talking to religious people don’t ask whether the fact that God is everywhere means that he’s up his own arse.

Do Yorkie Still have that Slogan, “it’s not for girls”?

It’s good to know that causal sexist is acceptable as long as it’s being used to advertise chocolate.

You wouldn’t get away with “kit-kat, it’s not for muslims”

Twirl “it’s not for paraplegics”, the chocolate bar, or the maneauver.

Don’t you just hate it when absurd stereotypes turn out to be true.

I mean I quite like a good game of chess, so I though in my first year of uni, yeah I’ll join the chess club, it’s not going to be full of geeks.

Within 5 minutes of joining I’d been involved in no less than 3 conversations about Buffy the vampire slayer.

Within 10 minutes half of them had f**ked off to play dungeons and dragons.

And within 20 minutes I swear this is true, the other two were bollocks but I swear this bit is true, I overheard a sentence in Klingon.

I know it was Klingon because I recognized it from my book Power Klingon for Business. Oh come on I defy anyone to walk past a book with a title like that and not buy it for a laugh.

Have we got any vegetarians in. the audience, just raise your hand if you’re a vegetarian.

Hmmm, there probably are a few more vegetarians than that, it’s just that some of you, can no longer physically muster the strength to actually raise your hand.

You’re sitting there going.

Must…Express…..pointless…pseudo ethical convictions.

It’s no use Tarquin, I just can’t do it.

Don’t worry Moonbeam, we’ll go back home and ignore this nastly man and have some lovely Falaffel.

Great material.

It'll take care of itself.

Quote: Ondupe @ December 14, 2007, 6:35 PM

You wouldn’t get away with “kit-kat, it’s not for muslims”

View original

Very, very funny material, I thought.
Thought the links need work though. What I mean is, there didn't really appear to be any, so it left me with the impression you were constantly changing gear. If you see what I mean.

Another good one is, shall I compare thee to a British Summer, you don’t come oftern enough and it’s always a disappointment when you do.

Funny. Surely more correct, and funnier if you say:
Another good one is: 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?' Another Shakespeare classic. I mean, he must have meant a British summer, which makes no sense. 'You don't come often enough, and it's always a disappointment when you do?'

I don't know, something like that. All I mean to say is 'shall I compare thee to a British summer' isn't the actual phrase, so it doesn't work as well in my book.

F**king funny stuff, anyway.

Lots of good material.
I agree the links are a bit clumsy at times, but sometimes because you are trying to make them into links and it jars a bit: e.g. "another one is...". Suggest smoothing it out. Either do a smooth link, or jump straight into something else.
Also, the routine as written depends on particular audience reactions. They aren't always going to laugh where you want them to, and that might ruin your next line. Have a back-up plan.
And I'm not suggesting for a minute that you didn't come up with the gag independently, but I'm sure I've heard the braille t-shirt one before from some tv comedian. Jimmy Carr springs to mind, but it might not have been him.
Finally - keep up the good work. I think your choc bars bits were the best, especially "Twirl" with its second unexpected gag.

It's a good routine, only going out with it will make it tighter.

Thanks for the tips, particularly about needing smoother links, I think I can work on that to make it flow a bit better.

AJP me thinks will be the geezer to ask here.

Oh & yes there is some cool material there.

Good material!

My tip for stand-up comedy is;

Get the MC to forget your name when they are introducing you - it really breaks the ice! Worked for me.

Bah

I thought it very good. I didn't think that these days the alternative comedians used links, they seem to just go from one subject to another without them.

Quote: Charley @ December 15, 2007, 5:04 AM

AJP me thinks will be the geezer to ask here.

View original

There's also Paul Watson and Stuart Laws.

Open with the chocolate stuff because that's your strongest and just see how it goes from there. You could save it to close with if you like.

Loads of comics talk about call centres, if you're going to talk about them either come up with some good gags about them or talk about your unique experiences of them.

Same with the vegetarian stuff. It's old hat to shout vegetarians/smokers give is a cheers... save your energy/breath. That's not to say there aren't people today getting paid weekend work who don't do it though.

Good stuff about looking fat and Shakespeare. Perform it out loud to yourself and trim it as much as possible. Brevity is the soul of wit. Unless you;re going to be a story-telling sort of comic in which case you need to write it out more.

If you're serious about becoming a stand-up watch some good stand-ups. Go to the Comedy Store, Jongleurs, if you're in the North East, I think you are, go along to the Hyena or try to get to The Stand or Jongleurs in Edinburgh/Glasgow. If you want to get better don't just watch open mike acts.

Have fun and perform it as much as you can, but remember to have fun. Have fun. That's the most important thing have fun. If you're having fun the audience will have fun.

Don't worry about links. A laugh is a good enough punctuation to move on to a new bit and you may find that the order oyu have stuff in now is not the order you want it in later.

And erm, I think that's about it. Just have fun. Oh, and be funny.

Thanks for the advice, I think I will open with the chocolate stuff, especially if the braile joke has been done before (I hate finding that out, especially since it's always the my favorite jokes it happens to (not my best ones but my favorites, this is a joke I came up with when one of my friends demanded everyone stop reading her T-shirt cause it seemed pervy and I said "if only it were written in braile" adapted to fit standup)).

Does the call centre stuff just seem a bit "done before" and boring? I like it cause it's (up to a point obviously) true, I didn't stay on the line for 10 minutes I slammed the phone down and turned bright red in a very british way, but if it's just a well trodden and now quite dull topic that i'm not really adding anything to i'll happily drop it.

With the vegetarian stuff, would it be worth talking about if I could find a unique way of presentint it? Cause vegetarianism is a topic I feel very strongly about and ideally would like to talk about it in some form at least in my act.

Lastly should I drop the chess stuff althoughter? Again it's a thing thats true (up to a point), and possibly funny, but I can't help but feel it relies on cheap steriotypes, which ironically I did find out to be true but still cheap steriotypes.

Thanks for all the hints and tips, you guys are really nice and helpful.

Try it all out. I only have a feeling about the braille line, it isn't fact. And any of us could be wrong. If you like your material try it out and see how it goes. I wouldn't get rid of any of the gags at this stage - just cut back on some of the filling in between.

Some really really good material here. Like others have said the chocolate bar stuff is the strongest and I also really enjoyed the Romeo and Juliet stuff.

The links could be better so the set has more structure and flow to it and also not too sure about the 'vegetarian' stuff about them been too weak to lift their arms, been done in various forms before.

Oh and don't go to Jongleurs to get an idea of how to do stand-up comedy, most acts that perform there at shite. My opinion of course.