When I die

For Radio.

MALE PRODUCER
OK everyone we're recording......... 'when I die' tape 6.....3.2.1. and ....

OLD WOMAN (GLADYS) (slightly in the back ground)
Do you want a cup of tea?

YOUNG WOMAN INTERVIEWER
Not now Gladys, we're going to start recording....OK?

GLADYS
If you like deary.

PRODUCER
3,2,1 and....

INTERVIEWER
Today I'm speaking to Gladys Hughes, age 84 who has agreed to take part in BBC Radio 4's, 'When I Die' series.

INTERVIEWER
My first question Gladys, is where do you think you would most like to die when the time comes, would it be.......

GLADYS (interrupts)
Cheltnam!............. or Weston Super Mare, you know, by the sea. I don't think I'd like to die in a city, no, I mean, what would people say? You see, my sister died in Birmingham and there was a lot of gossip after that...... of course people were different in them days but oh no. No that wouldn't do at all.

INTERVIEWER
Thank you Gladys but I really meant either in hospital or at home in your own bed?

GLADYS
(bemused) At home of course.......what would I be doing in hospital?

INTERVIEWER
Have you given much thought to your funeral or even made any plans as yet?

GLADYS
Well I suppose it would be small really, I mean I haven't got much family left, there's only me, Tracey my daughter and her three and I don't really know many other people, I've never really been one for socialising and I never went to pubs. You see my father was a drinker up until just before he died. They say it was the drinking that finished him off .....well that and the death of me mother.

INTERVIEWER
The death of your mother must of had a great effect on your father.

GLADYS
of course it effected him, it was him that killed her....... when he was drunk..... that's why they hung him you see............ No, as long as it's nice funeral I don't mind really. I shan't want any music playing. .......well it's a bit crass isn't it. You shouldn't go to a funeral just for the music. You'd go to a dance hall if you wanted to listen to music wouldn't you. I went to my friend Arthurs' funeral and they played that Tom Jones songs from the Snowman, well I don't mind it at Christmas but it's no place at a funeral.

INTERVIEWER
It was Aled.

GLADYS
No dear, Arthur.

INTERVIEWER
No I mean the song, it was Alled Jones.

GLADYS
Alice Jones? I always thought it sounded like a girl. Oooh you should here the rubbish our Tracey's three listen to, I've never heard such language, no, I don't want any of that what do you call it... 'rape'... music playing at my funeral thank you very much. It'd put people off the buff-et.

INTERVIEWER
Have you decided whether you'd like to be cremated or buried?

GLADYS
ooh buried, Ive never been one for the heat.

INTERVIEWER
And where would you like to be buried Gladys?

GLADYS
My daughter keeps telling me that I'm to be buried in the same grave as her father, Reg, at St Stepehens, in Mere, that's him there in the photo on the mantle in his army uniform, he were me husband, until he died....

INTERVIEWWER
Oh I am sorry, when did Reg die

GLADYS
(reflective) He died at the beginning of the war....

INTERVIEWER
the second world war?

GLADYS
No.... The Iraq War, he had an heart attack while watching the bombing of Bagdad on the 6 'o' clock news........I told our Tracey, 'we never shared the same bed when we were alive so I'm not going to start when I'm dead' I'm not having my eternal rest disturbed by his snoring and rough hands. You can forget it.

INTERVIEWER
And how would you like people to remember you once you have passed away?

GLADYS
I suppose I'd like to be remembered as a kind person really, the type of person who gave to charity and was a good Christian. Yes that'd be nice.

INTERVIEWER
So have Christianity and charitable giving played a major role in your life?

GLADYS
No, not at all but that's how I'd like to be remembered.

INTERVIEWER
Well thank you Gladys, it's been a real pleasure talking to you. And for listeners at home I hope you'll join us for the next installment of BBC Radio 4's 'When I die' series.

(sounds of equipment being packed up.......fade out (as Gladys asks)

GLADYS (in the back ground)
Do you want that cup of tea now?

There are a couple of good exchanges in this. Mainly stemming from her confusion especially the 'beginning of the war' joke. That was the highlight for me.

I think it all seems a little too close to an actual interview with an old woman and a little morbid which saps it of the comedy. Sorry.

I think it all seems a little too close to an actual interview with an old woman

Agreed. It's like you've gone to a nursing home - armed with a tape recorder - had a little chat with Angela Lansbury ... then gone home and copied it out verbatim.

It just isn't funny enough.

There are some good lines, particularly about being buried with her husband, but it is not sharp enough to work as a sketch, and for a character piece more of a story is needed.

Hi all, thanks for the comments. I shall ammend to make the humour a bit more obvious. ta