Here is the first scene from a play I am currently messing around with. It's about a murder which takes place during a murder mystery weekend. Some of you may have spotted that I like to start a number of projects, this is so I can decide which ones to carry on with, so any comments would be appreciated in helping determine whether to stick with this. Please ignore the somewhat amateurish and basic stage directions, hopefully it's obvious what is going on.

ACT I

Scene 1

We see an open space, the foyer of a large manor house, in front of us. On the stage is a desk with a man dressed in 'hotel uniform' standing behind it. A man and a woman enter, carrying suitcases and an umbrella, dripping with wet from the rain they have just left behind outside.

The man and woman walk up to the reception desk, taking off their wet jackets as they do so, and putting down their suitcases.

MRS EDGAR

Mr. and Mrs. Edgar. We're here for the murder mystery tour.

RECEPTIONIST

Ah, wonderful. You're the first to arrive. Nasty weather out there isn't it?

MRS EDGAR

Frightful. Just frightful.

MR EDGAR

Did you say we're the first to arrive?

RECEPTIONIST

Yes. Let me just go and get your key.

The Receptionist goes off looking for the key to the Edgars room.

MR EDGAR

Where are they Patricia?

MRS EDGAR

I'm sure they're on their way dear.

MR EDGAR

They're always late. I bet he's in that bloody garden of his. If he tells me one more story about his cabbages I'll sock him one, I will.

MRS EDGAR

Oh Norman.

MR EDGAR

I mean it Patricia. That's all he ever talks about, him and his stupid vegetables. And do you know, I've never seen him eat a single one. Not once. Not even a sprout. He's conning us Patricia.

MRS EDGAR

Not this again Norman, please.

MR EDGAR

I'm telling you, he's up that allotment growing marijuana and Christ knows what else. That's why they're always late, they're too stoned to notice the time.

The receptionist returns with the key.

MRS EDGAR

Do ignore my husband. He's an ex-policeman you see, all those years on the force, it's very hard for his brain to just switch off. Or very easy depending on your interpretation!

MR EDGAR

I am not an ex anything. I am a former police officer, I didn't break up with the force 'ya know.

MRS EDGAR

You'll be an ex-husband if you carry on.

RECEPTIONIST

A former police officer? Well, we are going to have our work cut out fooling you.

MR EDGAR

You certainly are. I've read every Agatha Christie book around, so you better not just be recycling old material.

MRS EDGAR

When have you ever read an Agatha Christie book?

MR EDGAR

It was before I met you, back when I had the time to read.

MRS EDGAR

We met when we were sixteen Norman, you must have done an awful lot of reading as a child.

MR EDGAR

I was very advanced for my age. My parents were convinced I was a boy genius, right up until I said my first words.

RECEPTIONIST

Why? What did you say?

MR EDGAR

It wasn't so much what I said, more the fact that I was ten when I said them.

RECEPTIONIST

Ah. Well, Don't you worry Mr. Edgar, I assure you, all our stories are completely original.

MR EDGAR

I should think so too. I mean three hundred quid!

MRS EDGAR

Norman!

RECEPTIONIST

Would you like to go up to your room now?

MRS EDGAR

No, I think we'll have a look round first. We're expecting some friends to arrive.

MR EDGAR

Your friends Patricia, not mine. My friends are all very punctual. I mean, where can they be?

MRS EDGAR

I don't know Norman. They aren't that late.

MR EDGAR

Maybe they've had to swerve off the road in order to avoid a drug induced elephant!

MRS EDGAR

Would you stop it Norman. I don't want to hear any more. The Hewitts are not on drugs.

RECEPTIONIST

I'll take your bags up ready for you.

MRS EDGAR

That's very kind.

MR EDGAR

I've got three pairs of underwear, two pairs of socks, a pair of trousers, a shirt and a deck of cards in that bag, they had better all still be there later, Understood?

RECEPTIONIST

I understand sir.

The receptionist takes the bags away and goes off stage.

MRS EDGAR

Norman. Leave the poor man alone.

MR EDGAR

Patricia, places like this are ripe with crime. We've got to be very diligent.

MRS EDGAR

What, pray tell, is he going to want with your Y-fronts?

MR EDGAR

I gave up long ago trying to understand the youth of today dear, I can only suggest that you do the same.

Another couple enters the scene, dripping wet. This couple is the aforementioned Hewitts

MRS EDGAR

Ah, here they are. You see Norman, all you needed was a touch of faith.

MR EDGAR

I did have faith. Plenty of it in fact. Faith that they wouldn't turn up.

The Edgars go over to the Hewitts and they greet each other individually. Mr Hewitt and Mr Edgar shake hands firmly, as Mrs Hewitt and Mrs Edgar hug warmly. Mr Hewitt and Mrs Edgar hug tightly, with Mr Hewitt a touch too forceful in his hug. Mr Edgar and Mrs Hewitt are much more awkward in their embrace.

MR HEWITT

Sorry we're late, I forgot to lock up the damn allotment.

MRS EDGAR

Oh, it's no trouble Martin. We've only just got here ourselves, haven't we Norman?

MR EDGAR

Yes dear.

MRS HEWITT

Dreadful weather isn't it Pat?

MRS EDGAR

Frightful. Just frightful Marjorie.

MRS HEWITT

We got absolutely soaked up the allotment.

MR HEWITT

Still, it's good for the plants, eh Norm?

MR EDGAR

So I've heard Martin. As you know, I don't grow vegetables myself, I much prefer eating them.

MRS HEWITT

Oh, you should try growing them Norman. It's very therapeutic.

MR EDGAR

I bet it is.

Mrs Edgar Nudges Mr Edgar quite hard.

MR EDGAR

(In Pain)

Aah.

MRS EDGAR

Oh, I'm so sorry darling. Right, who fancies a drink?

MRS HEWITT

Oh, do you think we should Pat? I mean we'll want to keep our wits about us for the murder mystery tonight won't we?

MR HEWITT

One little dwinky never hurt anyone, eh Norm? I'm guessing you're a whiskey man?

MR EDGAR

That's right Martin.

MR HEWITT

Just call me Sherlock. Your handshake gave you away. It's very forceful, Is it something you work on Norm?

MR EDGAR

Not nearly enough Martin. Did the fact we've gone drinking together several times before also help in your guess of Whiskey?

MR HEWITT

Yes, yes. Of course it did. So, how about that drink?

MRS HEWITT

Oh, alright. where's the harm in one.

MR HEWITT

That's the spirit. Ha, you see what I did there?

MR EDGAR

You're a regular Noel Coward.

The Hewitts walk off to the bar with the Edgars following them behind

MR EDGAR

I hate that man Patricia. I loathe him. I dislike him more than any man I've ever met, and I've met some right creeps in my time. And what's with this Norm crap? He's just disregarding letters as he see's fit, it's completely abhorrent, 'an' is a very important part of my identity, not even my old Gov' got to call me Norm, and we worked together for twenty five years!

MRS EDGAR

Just play nice Norman, it's only one evening in your life. The murder mystery will be starting soon, that should take your mind off him.

MR EDGAR

Okay. But I better get some golf time out of this.

MRS EDGAR

I promise Norman.

MR EDGAR

Five rounds?

MRS EDGAR

Three rounds.

MR EDGAR

Four rounds?

MRS EDGAR

Three rounds.

MR EDGAR

Three rounds?

MRS EDGAR

Done.

MR EDGAR

I've always said the key to a successful marriage is compromise.

MRS EDGAR

Yes dear.

MR EDGAR

Okay, you win. I'll play nice.

MRS EDGAR

That'll be a first. I don't think I've ever seen you play nice golf before.

END OF SCENE.

Most acceptable. A lot of plays like this in provincial rep - it's not all that different so far, but it might turn out to be brilliant in a more modern, Jonathan Creek sort of way. This isn't out of place, and there's humour in there to bury what I presume are seeds of info. If this is a first attempt, it's certainly passable.

Cheers Empty. I think I may actually carry on with this, and I do have a plot clearly in my mind now. Here's the second scene. Feedback of any kind really is appreciated. I need to add a narrator I think in order to change scenes though.

Scene 2

Mr Edgar is carrying Mrs Hewitt over his shoulder as he wanders into a bedroom. He places her onto the bed.

Mrs Hewitt is DRUNK

MRS HEWITT

Oh Norman, I've always wanted you too!

MR EDGAR

I beg your pardon?

MRS HEWITT

I'm ready when you are Norm. Let's just skip the foreplay and go straight to the fun stuff.

MR EDGAR

Marjorie, You're drunk.

Marjorie begins to undo her blouse

MR EDGAR

Would you keep your clothes on you stupid woman?

Mr Hewitt enters

MRS HEWITT

Marty too? Well you know my motto; The more the merrier!

MR HEWITT

Settle down Marjorie. Thanks Norm, what with my back I don't think I'd have been able to carry her up all those stairs.

MR EDGAR

Yes well, my back isn't exactly fantastic you know.

Mrs Hewitt is still undoing her blouse

MRS HEWITT

Right then, whose up first?

MR EDGAR

Martin, control your wife for Gods sake.

Mrs Edgar enters the room

MRS HEWITT

And Pat? No, no, I'm afraid I don't like this anymore.

Mrs Hewitt collapses on the bed, rather theatrically and is now unconscious.

MRS EDGAR

What in heavens name did she have to drink Martin?

MR HEWITT

It was only a gin and tonic.

MR EDGAR

A gin and tonic? How the hell is she in this state then?

MR HEWITT

I don't know Norm.

MR EDGAR

I think you do.

MR HEWITT

What exactly are you insinuating?

MR EDGAR

You know damn well what I'm insinuating.

MR HEWITT

Yes, I think I might. But I want to hear you say it.

MR EDGAR

Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

MRS EDGAR

Norman. Not this again.

MR EDGAR

Well how else do you explain it?

MR HEWITT

Maybe you slipped something in her drink, eh Norm? You dirty pervert.

MR EDGAR

I did nothing of the sort. And from what I've heard, I wouldn't need to anyway.

MR HEWITT

And what's that supposed to mean?

MR EDGAR

It means your wife is a whore.

MR HEWITT

You take that back!

MR EDGAR

Never.

Mr Hewitt and Mr Edgar square up to each other, and begin a very minor scuffle. Mrs Edgar manages to separate them and gets herself between them.

MRS EDGAR

Now stop it, the both of you. Norman, go to our room.

MR EDGAR

This is our room.

MRS HEWITT

What possessed you to put Marjorie in our room?

MR EDGAR

(SHOUTING)

Because my back was hurting and this room was nearest the staircase! I'm not a young man anymore Patricia.

MRS EDGAR

You could have fooled me, you're acting like a child.

MR HEWITT

Quite right Pat.

MRS EDGAR

You too Martin.

MR EDGAR

You tell him Patricia.

MRS EDGAR

Now I want no more of this nonsense. We're going to go downstairs, and enjoy the murder mystery, okay?

MR HEWITT

What about my Marjie?

MRS EDGAR

We'll have to leave her here. She's in no fit state to solve crimes.

MR HEWITT

Over my dead body. She's not staying in his room. We'll have to move her to my room.

MRS EDGAR

Okay.

MR HEWITT

Get to it Norm.

MR EDGAR

Oh no, I don't think so. You want her shifted? You shift her.

MR HEWITT

Right. I will.

Mr Hewitt picks up Mrs Hewitt and puts her over his back. He is quite visibly struggling, and getting closer and closer to the floor as he carries her across the room. Mr Edgar is smiling as he watches this.

MRS EDGAR

Norman.

MR EDGAR

Yes dear?

MRS EDGAR

Help him.

MR EDGAR

Certainly dear.

Mr Edgar walks past Mr Hewitt, goes over to the door and holds it open.

MR EDGAR

I'll get the door.

MRS EDGAR

They'll be no golf for you Norman. No rounds at all.

MR EDGAR

But Patricia.

MRS EDGAR

Not even the driving range.

MR EDGAR

Fine!

Mr Edgar helps Mr Hewitt carry Mrs Hewitt out of the room.

MR HEWITT

I'm watching those hands Norm!

MR EDGAR

Are you? Well, you keep watching 'em Martin, 'cos your going to have a bloody fantastic view of my left one in a minute!

Both men carry Mrs Hewitt out of the bedroom.

MRS EDGAR

Kids today.

END OF SCENE.

Sorry, I haven't time to read this yet, but unless you do something spectacularly different and great with the Narrator, don't have one - this scene followed on fine, from the first few lines I read.

I think if it's clear, don't keep posting, just write it and provide a link to the finished version.

I had an idea for a new title too, but that will depend on the eventual plot. Titles are terribly important for this kind of play.

Quote: Empty @ April 8 2010, 3:07 PM BST

Sorry, I haven't time to read this yet, but unless you do something spectacularly different and great with the Narrator, don't have one - this scene followed on fine, from the first few lines I read.

I think if it's clear, don't keep posting, just write it and provide a link to the finished version.

I had an idea for a new title too, but that will depend on the eventual plot. Titles are terribly important for this kind of play.

View original

Thanks a lot, the title was supposed to be a pun on murder most foul, but I agree, I don't think it works, but I haven't put to much thought into it yet. And yeah, I think I will just post the finished version now, I didn't plan to post every scene, I just need to make sure the early ones are engaging enough to keep people interested as obviously we haven't really got to the plot yet.