CAST

HANNAH Controlling. More than slightly anal.
KERRY A large and sarcastic Kiwi.
NADIA Petite. Cute Has problems concentrating for long..
ANDY A bitter English actor who hasn't worked since drama school.
JAMIE A Scottish actor and stand up who has.

THEY ALL GRADUATED FROM THE SAME DRAMA SCHOOL 18 MONTHS AGO.

LIGHTS (ALMOST) UP. IN THE NEAR DARKNESS 3 WOMEN IN THEIR
EARLY 20S DRESSED IN WHITE. THEY EACH HOLD A CANDLE. HANNAH
STANDS UPSTAGE CENTRE, KERRY STAGE LEFT, NADIA STAGE RIGHT.
HANNAH HAS TWO CANDLES ONE IN EACH HAND. SHE'S READING FROM
A BOOK ON THE FLOOR WHICH SHE HOLDS OPEN WITH HER BARE FOOT.

HANNAH
(READING) The circle is cast.. North goes the first candle.

SHE PUTS A CANDLE DOWN BESIDE HER

KERRY
And East.

PLACES HER CANDLE ON THE FLOOR STAGE LEFT.

HANNAH
South.

SHE PUTS A CANDLE DOWNSTAGE CENTRE.

(A PAUSE)

NADIA
Shit it's me, isn't it?

HANNAH AND KERRY
West!

NADIA
West!

HANNAH
This is for your benefit.

NADIA
I know.

HANNAH
Have you a picture of the beloved?

NADIA
Yes.

HANNAH
It's not 'yes' it's 'I have.'

NADIA
Does it say that in the book?

HANNAH
Yes.

NADIA
Can I see?

HANNAH
Not from there, no. Have you a picture?

NADIA
I have.

SHE PRODUCES A 10 X 8 BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO OF THE ACTOR PLAYING ANDY. KERRY STARES AT IT.

HANNAH
Have you a picture of yourself?

NADIA
Yes, I have.

SHE PRODUCES HER OWN 10 X 8. AND THEN ANOTHER

Hair up? Or hair down? What do you think? Hair up..

KERRY
Andy Burton? We're doing all so you can get off with Andy Burton?

NADIA
And what's wrong with..?

HANNAH
He tries it on with everybody.

NADIA
Not quite everybody. (SIGNIFICANTLY) Yet.

KERRY
And he's a shit actor.

HANNAH
I call upon Diana...

KERRY
Well, he was shit in Two Gents. (TO NADIA) Didn't do you any favours.

HANNAH
If we're going to do this..

KERRY
I know. Do it miserably.

HANNAH
I call upon Venus.

ANOTHER PAUSE

(Prompting Nadia)

Bring me the lover I want..

NADIA
Bring me the lover I want.

HANNAH
Make nothing get in the way of my goal.

NADIA
Make nothing get in the way of my goal.

HANNAH
Make him love me, make him want me, make me part of his soul.

NADIA
Make him love me, make him want me, make me part of his soul.

HANNAH
Together we will be.

NADIA
Together we will be.

HANNAH, KERRY AND NADIA
(TOGETHER)
Blessed be.

NADIA
That's it?

HANNAH
For this one. If this doesn't work we're going to need some hair, nail clippings and/or bodily fluids.

KERRY
If she could get hold of his baby batter why would we arse about with a book?

HANNAH
Nobody's arsing about! Look, you agreed: if this doesn't work inside 6 weeks, we'll forget it. But first we need to give it a chance, and that means..

KERRY
Taking it really, really seriously?

HANNAH
...committing to a course of study.

NADIA
(to Hannah) We're not going naked, are we?

HANNAH
Nobody's going skyclad unless they feel they want to.

KERRY
Well, I'm not.

NADIA
Because you're a bit ...lopsided?

KERRY
No. Because it's October.
(a pause)

NADIA
What happens now?

HANNAH
Well, according to the book..

KERRY
That we're not allowed to read.

HANNAH
...you place the beloved's image under a burning candle, let the wax burn all the way down then carry it everywhere.

NADIA
The wax or the image? Sorry, that was stupid..

HANNAH
No, it is ambiguous.

NADIA
...because obviously they're going to be stuck together. Durrr.

KERRY
'Everywhere'?

HANNAH
At all times.

KERRY
Did you get that, Nadia? All the time.

HANNAH
Not just when you feel like it.

NADIA
Am I being got at here?

HANNAH
We're just saying you sometimes..

NADIA
Sometimes..?

HANNAH
Don't always focus as much as the average...grown Up.

KERRY
You've a mind like a butterfly, Nadia.

NADIA
Butterflies are lovely.

KERRY
Yeah, but think how big their minds are

(holds up thumb and finger to indicate size of butterfly mind)

NADIA
Oh, really? Well, I've thought of something you haven't.

HANNAH
And what's that?

NADIA
If you said the love spell before I did..

HANNAH
Yes?

NADIA
...doesn't that mean it's going to work for you first?

BLACKOUT

SCENE TWO. SOUND F/X A COFFEE BAR.

ANDY (WHOSE PHOTO IT WAS IN THE LAST SCENE) IS TYPING ON A LAPTOP.

JAMIE ENTERS WITH TWO MUGS OF COFFEE

JAMIE
Double espresso for me, latte for you. Why do people drink milky coffee, eh? Hot milk sends you to sleep, coffee wakes you up. Your poor old body's going 'Come on! Make up your mind, will you?'

ANDY
Don't.

JAMIE
What?

ANDY
Try out material on me.

JAMIE
But you're such a good audience. Great sense of humour. What're you doing?

ANDY
Looking up agents.

JAMIE
Its a mystery why you didn't get picked up at drama school, Andy. You're a good-looking guy.

ANDY
(wearily. He's said this
before)

I haven't got famous parents and I'm not Scottish.

JAMIE
That's you f**ked, then.

ANDY
New email.
(reading)
Nadia Hooper.

JAMIE
Nadia? You're getting emails from Nadia Hooper?

ANDY
(reading)
'Do you fancy coming over for a meal?'

JAMIE
Do you know what I most liked about Nadia? Standing behind her in yoga.

ANDY
We noticed.

JAMIE
What an arse.

ANDY
(Meaning Jamie)
That's what we thought.

JAMIE
But she'd got that Attention Deficit Dis...will you just look at the foam on your coffee.

ANDY
At least she's got an agent.

JAMIE
I've had better chats with the speaking clock.

ANDY
At least she got picked up.

JAMIE
But what kind of work's she going to get? Who's going to trust her with a long speech? Cleopatra suddenly starts going on about Emmerdale. Hedda Gabblers's rambling about Tic Tacs.

ANDY
There is that.

JAMIE
Yeah. You just console yourself that she'll almost certainly fail.

ANDY
(sincerely)
Thanks.

THEY SIP THEIR DRINKS

JAMIE
You going to go, then?

ANDY
I haven't decided yet.

JAMIE
Sure. When you do, can I come? Even things up a bit.

ANDY
What do you mean?

JAMIE
Well, she was living with those other two. It would be just you and two women.

ANDY
You want to see her arse, again, don't
you

JAMIE
Would be nice.

THE GIRL'S FLAT. TWO OF THOSE ROUND LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE TABLES HAVE BEEN PUSHED TOGETHER AND FIVE CHAIRS ARRANGED AROUND THEM. IT'S LOOKS A BIT SPARTAN FOR A DINNER PARTY

HANNAH AND KERRY STARE AT THE TABLES FOR A WHILE.

KERRY
Know any furniture spells?

NADIA ENTERS WITH A SMALL CUSHION AND A 10 X 8 PHOTO OF HERSELF.

HANNAH
What's the photo for?

NADIA
To help the spell. I'm putting it under this cushion on Andy's chair.

HANNAH
You're going to make him sit on your face?

KERRY
(aside to Hannah)
And you thought she was stupid.

HANNAH
No no, no. You can't just make things up as you go along. There are rules. See, this is why I got the book.

NADIA
I thought you got it because you were up for that deodorant commercial and we did that 'success' spell.

KERRY
That didn't work.

HANNAH
I got a recall.

KERRY
That half worked then.

NADIA
Tonight can't 'half work'! I haven't had sex for...

HANNAH
Eight and a half months.

NADIA
What are you, my diary?

KERRY
(indicating Hannah)
You weren't the only one who last got lucky at Nicky's party.

HANNAH
It's not a matter of luck. It's a question of cosmic vibrations. Send the right thoughts into the universe
and the universe will respond.

KERRY
Yeah, right.

HANNAH
I'm sorry?

KERRY
Well, look at us, we've been sending out vibrations for a week now. None of us has got a job, and no-one's had a decent shag in ages.

HANNAH
You know why you haven't had a job!

KERRY
Remind me.

NADIA
You're with the same agent as me.

KERRY
And why haven't I got someone?

HANNAH
Because...

KERRY
Because? Because I didn't even get laid at Nicky's party. So why haven't I got a boyfriend, Hannah?

HANNAH
Because you sometimes...

NADIA
Well, usually, in fact.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT HER
HANNAH

You've no idea what I was going to say, have you?

NADIA SHAKES HER HEAD

Well, what the hell are you agreeing for? !

NADIA
Being supportive?

KERRY
I sometimes...?

HANNAH
Scare them off. You sometimes come across as a bit...scary.

KERRY
Is that so?

NADIA
(to Hannah)
Can I agree yet?

KERRY
Yes!

NADIA
You absolutely terrify me.

KERRY
I can be whatever I want. I can do coy, I can do playful. I've done whimsy.

HANNAH
Then why don't you?

KERRY
Because it wouldn't be me, would it?! It would be like you letting someone else run things, or Nadia finishing a book.

HANNAH
You're tired of me running things? Fine. You can do this evening. You organise everything.

SHE STORMS OFF AND RE-ENTERS IMMEDIATELY.

Remember, the oven's fan-assisted so even though it says 35 mins at 200 just give it half an hour and take the foil..oh, sod it you do it.

SHE GOES.

KERRY
Shit.

NADIA
That was so unfair...

KERRY
But it's true, she does..

NADIA
..I have finished books.

KERRY
I'd better get started with the..

SHE AUTOMATICALLY LOOKS TO HER WRIST. SHE'S NOT WEARING A WATCH.

Any idea what time it is?

NADIA
('what are you asking me for?')
No.

KERRY
Put the radio on, see if they give the time.

KERRY GOES.

NADIA TURNS THE RADIO ON AND STARTS ARRANGING THE CUSHION AND PHOTO UNDER A CHAIR. SHE'S ONLY HALF-LISTENING, AT FIRST TO THE RADIO.

FROM THIS POINT ON (AND IN ALL EPISODES) SHE CAN HEAR MEN'S THOUGHTS.

'THOUGHT SPEECH' AS HEARD BY NADIA (AND US) SOUNDS SLIGHTLY FUZZY AND DISTORTED. IT'S
HIGHER IN PITCH THAN NORMAL MALE SPEECH AND IS, OF COURSE, PRE-RECORDED.

THE 'THOUGHTS' THAT NADIA CAN NOW HEAR ARE IN CAPS.

RADIO DJ
Darren from Woodbridge..this is your chance to win the five hundred pounds accumulator...are you ready, Darren? Start the clock. What's missing from this sequence..1..2..3..4..6? (A PAUSE) OH, COME ON, YOU STRAW SUCKER. I'T'S FIVE! FIVE YOU UTTER FLANGE! WE ARE SO GETTING A NEW CALL SCREENER. IF I WASN'T DOING HIS NIECE, I'D..I'm going to have to hurry you, Darren.

DARREN
Is it..oh, God..is it..3?

RADIO DJ
NO, YOU BEDWETTER. IT ISN'T 3! 1..2..3..4..6! HOW CAN IT BE 3 FOR FU....Darren you are..PROBABLY OUTSIDE POINTING AT PLANES .so, so close. I'm afraid it's 5.

DARREN
Yeah, that was like my second choice?

RADIO DJ
AND WORKING FOR RADIO SHITHEAD WAS MINE. Thanks for your call, Darren..BREASTS..

DARREN
BREASTS

F/X DIALLING TONE AS DARREN RINGS OFF.

A PUZZLED NADIA CHANGES STATION.

RADIO 4 CONTINUITY ANOUNCER
..and next on Radio 4 it's Moneybox Live..SHOOT ME. SOMEBODY PLEASE, JUST SHOOT ME....where we'll be discussing the question 'How safe is your pension?'..EXTREMELY...after that we're off to Ambridge for the Archers. (A PAUSE) I'D MARRY JENNIi MURRAY, SHAG MARIELLA..(HE HAS AN AWFUL THOUGHT) BUT I CAN'T THROW CHARLOTTE GREEN OFF A CLIFF!! DAMN YOU, JOHN HUMPHRIES!

NADIA
Kerry?! Kerry! I think the radio's buggered.

CLIFFHANGER.

( READS AT 8 MINS 40 SECONDS WITHOUT SET CHANGES)
............................................................
TAG.

SCENE FOUR. THE DINNER PARTY. NADIA, KERRY, HANNAH, ANDY AND JAMIE ARE CROWDED ROUND THE TWO SMALL TABLES. THEY'VE ALL HAD A FEW.

KERRY
Right, I've got one: you get up in the middle of the night for a pee, and while you're sitting there a piece falls off a plane, crashes through the ceiling and lands right where you were lying a minute ago..

NADIA
Oh, poor plane.

KERRY
Do you think 'thank you God for preserving this thy humble servant' or 'shit, no roof?'

HANNAH
I know what you'd think.

ANDY
You're a glass half empty girl, aren't you?

KERRY
My glass is totally empty.

ANDY
Yeah, you're pretty dark.

KERRY
No. It's totally empty. Stop hogging the wine.

HOLDS UP HER EMPTY WINE GLASS. ANDY LEANS FORWARD TO GRAB THE WINE BOTTLE AND AS HE DOES SO KERRY NOTICES THE CUSHION AND PHOTO THAT NADIA PLACED UNDER HIS CHAIR EARLIER. SHE HOLDS THEM UP.

KERRY (CONT'D)
Hah! That ain't working.

HANNAH, EMBARRASSED AT HAVING THIS SECRET PART OF THEIR LIVES POTENTIALLY COMPROMISED, GRABS THEM AND HAVING NOWHERE ELSE TO HIDE THEM STICKS THE PHOTO AND CUSHION ON HER CHAIR. SHE SITS ON THEM.

HANNAH
(aside to Nadia)
Change the subject, quick.

NADIA
What's that boring film with Tom Hanks?

JAMIE
You wanna be more specific?

NADIA
"Run Forrest run"..It's something 'Gump'

ANDY
(not a great impersonation)
'life is like a box of chocolates.'

JAMIE
Nah, sex is like a box of chocolates.

ANDY
Not again.

JAMIE
You can go ages without having a chocolate, but as soon as you have one you've got to have another.

HANNAH
That's true.

KERRY
How well you know me.

JAMIE
Same with sex. You can go..

HANNAH
(glumly)
Eight and a half months.

JAMIE
(WINCES' THAT'S TOO LONG')..without sex, but as soon as you have one..SPREADS HIS HANDS AS IF TO SAY 'QED'

THE PHOTO IS HAVING AN EFFECT ON HANNAH (SHE SAID THE SPELL FIRST REMEMBER?). FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS SHE IS INCREDIBLY FLIRTATIOUS AND PHYSICAL WITH NADIA.

HANNAH
(to Nadia)
Why don't we ask Jamie when he last 'had a chocolate'?

JAMIE
You mean when did a good-looking amusing, confident, successful Scottish actor with a great agent last get laid? Well, when do you think?

KERRY
Gotta be recently.

JAMIE
Why do you think that?

KERRY
Because you're annoying me.

HANNAH
(To Nadia)
Do you realise that the last time we had sex was on the same night? Just a thin wall between our sweaty bodies. There's a real connection there, don't you think?

KERRY ASSUMES THAT HANNAH IS EMBARRASSINGLY PISSED AND DISCREETLY EMPTIES MOST OF HANNAH'S WINE INTO HER OWN GLASS.

JAMIE
Alright..the last time I had sex was THIS MORNING WHEN I WAS TOSSING THE HAM JAVELIN IN THE SHOWER. 'EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS?' THAT'S NOTHING. I HAVEN'T LET ANYBODY NEAR ME SINCE THAT TIME IN PEEBLES. 'TOY GENITALS' I'LL GIVE HER 'TOY GENITALS..'

NADIA HAS STOOD AND IS STARING AT JAMIE. SHE CAN OBVIOUSLY 'HEAR' ALL THIS, THOUGH EVERYBODY ELSE IS OBLIVIOUS.

JAMIE
WHAT'S DOPEY STARING AT?

NADIA
'Tossing the ham javelin?!'

THEY ALL STARE AT HER.

END OF EPISODE. 2 MINS 05 SECONDS FOR THE TAG.

Hi Andrea I enjoyed the read. It came across as more of a play to me than a sitcom though, more naturalistic, until the telepathy bit. If you are going to work on it for Declan's thing you might want to look at the gag rate and up the ante. I'd also get the supernatural premise in a bit earlier. Sitcoms about actors is going to be a notoriously hard pitch though, could you make them something else, maybe they all have different jobs, one's a journo, one's a dancer one's a children's entertainer etc?

Really glad I posted this, because giving them all different jobs raises so many possibilities and, yes, the actor thing is over familiar and hard to sell. Anybody remember 'An Actor's Life For Me'? Nope? There's a reason. It was dismal.
Thanks, Mark P. Will rewrite.

A

PS totally agree about getting the supernatural premise in earlier.

Quote: Andrea Waters @ September 23 2009, 10:25 AM BST

Really glad I posted this, because giving them all different jobs raises so many possibilities and, yes, the actor thing is over familiar and hard to sell. Anybody remember 'An Actor's Life For Me'? Nope? There's a reason. It was dismal.
Thanks, Mark P. Will rewrite.

A

PS totally agree about getting the supernatural premise in earlier.

View original

Lol.

When you go into the BBC to pitch it don't mention your take on AALFM to Paul Mayhew Archer!

Andrea I really loved this. Mainly for the dialogue. I agree with Marc that it does have a bit of a play feel but I personally don't think this is a big problem as your dialogue style could easily be used fr a sitcom.

Also,I agree with Marc on the gag rate though there are some really funny bits to it I particularly thought it was funny the guy using his stand up routine in conversation and reckon you can have this as a recurring joke. However, when you add jokes in I think you should be careful not to change your style of dialoguee and to in general stick to the same type of subtle humour you have.

Characterwise I thought Hannah stood out.

Thanks, Ronnie. Can't tell you how much that means.
I'll persevere with Jamie trying out his stand up material because I think that he's a) one of the more interesting characters, and b) it will up the gag rate.
One thing I always liked about Not Going Out was that once you've established that Lee Mack's character is a natural joker that you can pack an episode with gags without it feeling contrived. Well, in the early series anyway.

Yes, also it could be quite funny if Jamie was using his stand up routine in conversation when no-one realised what he was doing and just thought he was being a bit odd, though first of all it'd have to be established that he had a tendancy to go into his stand up persona.

Hi Andrea,

I though this was a good piece too. You have a good grasp of dialogue, which is important. Some nice lines which illuminated character as well as being amusing too (hair up or hair down, for example). If you could get some of the more laugh heavy lines up front it would help. In 10 minutes you need to get the audience laughing hard early and then they will respond better to subtler stuff later.

I think the change of career thing as you and Marc mentioned makes eminent sense.

Just want to chip in with my two pence - I really like your dialogue, very snappy, very natural, very back and forth. I like a bit of supernatural oddball-ness and though the reading of the opposite sex's thoughts was done in some crap Mel Gibson chick flick, I'd not seen it done in a sitcom environment before.

I know this might seem trite and not in keeping with the sitcom vibe, but if you could hear the voices of other people in your head, would you check yourself into the nearest nut hatchery or would you use it as a way of getting rich and exerting power over people?

Anyways, I'm rambling, but I did like your sitcom.

Hi Angela

I think you have the basis for a good sitcom here. It does feel a little stagey but I think you may have done that for the Trials? I would agree that you need to pack more laughs in but the characters are there and your dialogue is great. Just a thought; if you're changing the occupations and want to keep the same dynamic between Jamie and Andy, perhaps Andy could be a wannabe (unsuccesful) stand up?
Would I be right in thinking you went to drama school?

Excellent idea to have Andy as a wannabe stand up. I'm using that Ian, and yes, I did go to drama school.

To answer Renegade's point: I think I'd start out using it as a way to get rich and exert power, but rapidly discover that it's a burden not a gift-along the lines of the Midas touch. If you could actually knew what people thought of you it would make life so predictable. There'd be no point flirting for a start.
Still, it's a hell of a party trick.

Hey Andrea,

A really easy read - well done for that.

Agree with others about character 'occupations' and earlier introduction of supernatural ability [perhaps you could have a small male part in scene one to set this up]. When I say small male part...

Whilst there's room for more gags, there are some very good lines and snappy exchanges in there.

Above all, the situation is intriguing, which augers well in holding the audience. I wanted to know what happened next, which is the benchmark of a good read.

There is something very likeable about the characterisation and the dialogue.

I get the point about acting sitcoms being a hardsell, but I am not so sure about giving them all different jobs. If it becomes too random, you end up in a sub-Friends set up. Perhaps keep them as actors, but give them different goals, and have their careers take off in different directions.

Quote: Marc P @ September 23 2009, 10:28 AM BST

When you go into the BBC to pitch it don't mention your take on AALFM to Paul Mayhew Archer!

View original

*runs in, breathless*

Did someone just say "Paul Mayhew Archer"?

Oh, it was Marc P. That's OK then.

*runs out*

Shall I talk about Coming Of Age instead?