I would really appreciate it if you folks could give this a read (I know it's pretty dang long but if you could stick with it!) and give me an honest appraisal, if you read it write what you think don't hold back because I just feel like I'm getting nowhere.

SKETCH 1: ACT I SCENE 1

FX: MUSIC - CLAIRE AND JESS SING AT EACH OTHER AND DANCE ALONG THROWING IN THE KNEE HAND-SWAP MOVE; THERE ARE GLASSES AND SOME WINE; ENTER GARY; HE WALKS STRAIGHT TO THE STEREO AND TURNS IT OFF.

GARY
Alright bitches? Where are we going tonight then?

JESS
Err, well *we're* going to the Walkabout bar, but I don't know where you're going.

GARY
Oh, I'm going with you.

JESS
Er, No.

CLAIRE
We were only really planning a quiet one.

GARY
That's alright, I'll peel off and go babe hunting; It's best if they don't see me with you two anyway, I don't want them thinking I'm a ladies man.

JESS
I don't think you have to worry about that.

GARY
Nah, I suppose not. You're not the best looking girls in the world.

HE PICKS UP THE GLASS OF WINE AND DOWNS IT.

CLAIRE
Oi! That's mine, you could've at least asked.

GARY
Can I have some?

JESS
It's a bit late now!

GARY
Have we got anymore? I want to get completely shit-faced tonight.

JESS
Why don't you go out and buy some, then you can have as much as you want.

CLAIRE
No, it's alright. I've got some more in the fridge.

JESS
[MOUTHS TO CLAIRE] What the f**k?!

GARY
Good, saves me spending my money.

CLAIRE
[MOUTHS TO JESS] Sorry!

GARY TAKES THE BOTTLE OUT OF THE FRIDGE; HIS PHONE STARTS RINGING FROM BACK STAGE.

GARY
I'd better get that, why don't you two try and make yourselves look a bit sexier whilst I'm gone. [*EXIT* GARY]

JESS
What were you thinking? If he'd gone out for booze we could've snuck out without him!

CLAIRE
Sorry. I wasn't thinking.

JESS
We've got to rid of him somehow. I don't want to spend another night listening to how he thinks Jeremy Clarkson is God or how many girls he's 'boned'.

CLAIRE
(JOKINGLY) Maybe we could drug him?

JESS
Shit! Yeah, we could, I've got some sleeping tablets in my handbag, they'd probably knock him out.

SHE PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND RIFLES AROUND.

CLAIRE
No, I was only joking. We couldn't, could we?

JESS
Yes! He's not coming out with us and if he stays awake he won't take no for an answer.

CLAIRE
How are we going to get him to take them though?

JESS HOLDS THE TABLETS UP LOOKING LIKE AN EVIL NUTTY PROFESSOR.

JESS
Crush them in his drink!

END OF SCENE

ACT I SCENE 2

THE GIRLS ARE CRUSHING THE TABLETS AND PUTTING THEM IN GARY'S DRINK.

CLAIRE
Whoa, that's enough isn't it?

JESS
We've got to make sure he falls asleep before we go out.

CLAIRE
Yeah, but we don't want to kill him.

JESS LOOKS AT HER SUGGESTING MAYBE SHE DOES.

CLAIRE
Well, we don't want him to taste it in the drink.

JESS
Good point. Try it.

JESS THRUSTS DRINK UNDER CLAIRE'S NOSE; SHE RELUCTANTLY TAKES A SIP.

CLAIRE
Aww! It's really bitter.

JESS
What really?

JESS TAKES A SIP HERSELF AND RECOILS.

CLAIRE
Why don't you put a bit more wine in? It might dilute the taste.

SHE POURS SOME MORE WINE IN AND TAKES A SIP THEN HANDS IT TO CLAIRE.

JESS
What d'you think?

CLAIRE
[RECOILS] It's still pretty bitter.

JESS
I'll put a bit more in then. But not much otherwise he'll get it all.

JESS TAKES A REASONABLY BIG SIP AND HANDS IT TO CLAIRE LOOKING PLEASED WITH THE TASTE.

CLAIRE
[TAKES A SIP] Yeah that's about right. Just put a little bit more in to make sure though.

JESS POURS A LITTLE MORE IN THE GLASS THEN TAKES ANOTHER SIP.

JESS
Yup that's it. He won't taste it now.

GARY CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING, TALKING ON THE PHONE.

CLAIRE:Quick! He's coming. [THEY SWEEP AWAY THE TABLET DUST AND SET HIS DRINK DOWN]

ENTER GARY ON PHONE.

GARY
[ON PHONE] Yeah, I'm going out with my flat mates. Nah, neither of 'em are that nice. Alright, well I'd better start drinking I want it to be a messy one. Oi oi then, see you later. [HE TURNS OFF THE PHONE] Where's my drink then?

CLAIRE
It's here! Have this one, I poured it just for you.

JESS LOOKS AT CLAIRE AND INDICATES TO TONE IT DOWN.

GARY
[HE TAKES DRINK] You'll make someone a very happy man one day. He'll probably be poor and ugly but you'll make him happy.

HE TAKES A SIP OF THE DRINK THEN HIS PHONE RINGS AGAIN.

GARY
[ON PHONE] Hello? Alright you bastard?! Yeah, yeah, right, ok, yeah I'll get going now then. See you in a minute. [TURNS OFF PHONE] Sorry girls but I've got a better offer, I know, it wasn't hard.

HE PICKS UP HIS JACKET

JESS
Why don't you finish your drink first?

GARY
Nah, I've gotta get a wriggle on…and it tasted a bit funny. Right, well I'm offski. Try and tidy up before you go out it's a state in here. [EXIT GARY]

JESS AND CLAIRE SAT ON SETTEE

JESS
Wow, that plan worked well didn't it?!

CLAIRE
At least he won't be coming out with us.

JESS' HEAD ROCKS BACK; SHE FALLS FAST ASLEEP; CLAIRE TURNS TO LOOK AT HER.

CLAIRE
Jess? You alright Jess?

CLAIRE FLOPS ON TO HER LAP AND FALLS FAST ASLEEP; GARY RETURNS, OBSERVES THE GIRLS ASLEEP.

GARY
Lazy cows.

END SKETCH/SCENE

Thanks for reading!

Adam

Nice idea.

The dialogue reads naturally.

The punchline is maybe guessable a little early.

EXEUNT usually refers to two or more people leaving the stage. With one person it's just EXIT.

Oh, and in real life this prick would have got a bread-knife between the ribs.

Oh dear...it seems I havent missed much at all...YAWN!

Thanks for reading it Kevin (and letting me know what you think), I know it was a bit beefy for the critique section.

Quote: LIME5000 @ August 30 2009, 8:12 PM BST

Oh dear...it seems I havent missed much at all...YAWN!

View original

So you thought it was boring?

Okay I read it. The dialogue is believable but I could see the end coming way off. I think it would have been a lot funnier if Gary had had a change of heart, realised he was being a prat and returned with flowers or something only to find the two girls passed out. maybe then picked up the drugged glass and downed it in despair. "Oh well bugger it I might as well go out." (turns, heads for the door, passes out halfway there)

Not sure, try it.

Now you have to comment on my New Direction sketch!

John
Purple Comedy http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/

Quote: John Burns @ August 30 2009, 8:35 PM BST

Okay I read it. The dialogue is believable but I could see the end coming way off. I think it would have been a lot funnier if Gary had had a change of heart, realised he was being a prat and returned with flowers or something only to find the two girls passed out. maybe then picked up the drugged glass and downed it in despair. "Oh well bugger it I might as well go out." (turns, heads for the door, passes out halfway there)

Not sure, try it.

Now you have to comment on my New Direction sketch!

View original

I knew the ending would be telegraphed earlier in the sketch but I felt, acted out, there didn't necessarily have to be a 'twist' (from your comments I obviously did need to add one!) Thanks for your suggestion, I wanted to keep him as a complete arsehole so didn't want to break away from the arrogant chauvinistic character but it's an idea.

Cheers

I realise I'm a bit late on this, but... how did they even become flatmates in the first place?

Quote: stimarco @ September 5 2009, 1:18 AM BST

I realise I'm a bit late on this, but... how did they even become flatmates in the first place?

View original

What, you want some bloody back story now?!
Well, when I was at uni one of our housemates was a complete arsehole, not so much like the one I've included here. We tried to move back in to halls to get away from him but then ended up having to make up the numbers in another house because the accom officers couldn't get us where we wanted to be. So lovely people like me, Claire and Jess end up having to live with shit bags like Gary!

I quite liked it!

It is obvious what is gonna happen, but I think with some comedy it doesn't matter as long as it's executed cleverly with acting and direction. The reaction shots on the girls face could be hilarious.

One thing I hate about some comedy is unrealistic elements in a realistic comedy world. Don't do it!

Taking sleeping tablets doesn't make you collapse in a heap like that. If you've ever taken Nytol the first time you take them it's like you're awake but can't move your arms properly. You have to use all the effort in the world to do anything that it makes you think I can't be arsed and off in the land of nod yee go!

It could be extremely funny though!

Quote: jonikversal @ September 14 2009, 8:51 PM BST

I quite liked it!

It is obvious what is gonna happen, but I think with some comedy it doesn't matter as long as it's executed cleverly with acting and direction. The reaction shots on the girls face could be hilarious.

One thing I hate about some comedy is unrealistic elements in a realistic comedy world. Don't do it!

Taking sleeping tablets doesn't make you collapse in a heap like that. If you've ever taken Nytol the first time you take them it's like you're awake but can't move your arms properly. You have to use all the effort in the world to do anything that it makes you think I can't be arsed and off in the land of nod yee go!

It could be extremely funny though!

View original

Thanks for reading it jonikversal! It was one of my entries for 'The Works' comedy show, which had an open policy for outsiders to send in material, there might be another one in November so the grapevine tells me. Here is a thread on it... https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/12111 (you might want to submit something yoursel(f)ves). I think, like you said, given the right acting and direction it could be funny. I shall bear your sleeping tablet knowledge in mind the next time I write a sketch or when I am out near unattended drinks.

Thanks for the kind words, very much appreciated!

I thought it was good. Like other people have said the punchline was predictable but I liked the dialogue. I'm at uni now so no exactly the sort of knob-heads who show off about being drunk all the time you're talking about.

Quote: Hyde150 @ September 16 2009, 8:50 PM BST

I thought it was good. Like other people have said the punchline was predictable but I liked the dialogue. I'm at uni now so no exactly the sort of knob-heads who show off about being drunk all the time you're talking about.

View original

Cheers Hyde!