Some more:

Someone said to me that they hated alphabet spaghetti. I said, "I'm going to make you eat those words"

Why do emos wear watches?
Time heals all wounds

Fat people are quite smart; nothing gets past them

A blind date was arranged for me recently. The day before the date I found out it was a guy in a wheelchair. I still went; I couldn't stand him up
I also went out with a blind person; he wasn't a looker

I don't lend my books; I'm a bookkeeper

Cake! That's something the French Fancies

I disguised a sheep as a suicide bomber; it was mutton dressed Islam

I said to the fatty deposits in my arteries "You're deadly" They started crying and I said "don't take it to heart"

Hi Yatta,

This thread has showcased your one-liner ability. A variety of chuckles, titters & groaners.

Ideal stuff to augment a stand-up routine. Agree that an act comprised solely of one-liners is what I call a 'trilby' turn [old hat].

Keep 'em coming.

Quote: Yatta @ May 13 2009, 4:35 PM BST

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Few more:

I went to one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants and he gave me a meal that spelt out his name.
I said, "What's this?"
He said, "That's my signature dish"

I did a degree in ballet; I got a 2:2

I'm scared of trampolines; they make me jump.

I was lying in bed and I thought, "I gotta start telling the truth."

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Your second batch were the strongest for me.

What happened when Jerry ran over Mickey Mouse? He had to gave him mouse to mouse resuscitation.

Thanks guys .

Few more:

What do you call nails in a load of gunge?
Pingu

Glazing pots is easy, in fairness

I've started eating my clothes because the doctor said I needed more fibre in my diet

I had to wear my glasses when bowling today; apparently it's not a contact sport

Someone said to me, "Answer this question: Are you gay? I want a straight answer!" So I said no

There's a virus going 'round that makes you tell brain teasers all the time. I'm riddled with it

I went to my local magnet shop and I found one shaped like a pig. I said "Why's this one shaped like a pig?" The guy said "That's a babe magnet"

Quote: Yatta @ August 17 2009, 9:26 PM BST

There's a virus going 'round that makes you tell brain teasers all the time. I'm riddled with it

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I think you should change 'brain teasers' to 'one liners' 'cos you got it bad. And I mean 'bad' in a good way. I'd not seen your previous posts before, but I was impressed with most of these, keep 'em comin'.

Are you gay?

Keep 'em comin.

cleverly written jokes, are they original ?

Quote: Callum Sangwell @ August 18 2009, 3:00 PM BST

cleverly written jokes, are they original ?

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All comedians' jokes are original, its just that many share the same 'writer.'

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ August 18 2009, 6:32 AM BST

Are you gay?

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You can buy gaydars from Homobase

I rang Ikea and asked for a 50ft shelf. They said that's a tall order

How do Meg and Jack know where it's safe to cross the road?
The White Stripes

Every year the clouds have a competition to see who can cause a flood first. The same cloud wins every year; he's the reigning champion

I'm a big fan of irony. So much so, I want to die on my 40th birthday

I don't like magpies; Heat and onion is the worst

I cut up Penicillium; you've got to break the mold

Quote: Yatta @ August 27 2009, 10:03 PM BST

I rang Ikea and asked for a 50ft shelf. They said that's a tall order

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That doesn't work for me, it would be a long order.

Maybe a 50ft cupboard would work better.

Quote: Nil Putters @ August 27 2009, 10:10 PM BST

That doesn't work for me, it would be a long order.
Maybe a 50ft cupboard would work better.

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I said a similar thing to the guy at Ikea

Few more:

What do you get when a mouse eats an apple seed?
A pipsqueak

I lost my job breaking in to computer systems; I just couldn't hack it

Duncan James came round yesterday; he just turned up out the Blue

Harry Potter saw a sale on broomsticks; they were a Quidditch

I know a man with a red penis and a black bell end. I know what you're thinking, 'poppycock'.
(He's embarrassing to be with on Remembrance Sunday)

Quote: Yatta @ September 14 2009, 5:26 PM BST

Duncan James came round yesterday; he just turned up out the Blue

Harry Potter saw a sale on broomsticks; they were a Quidditch

I know a man with a red penis and a black bell end. I know what you're thinking, 'poppycock'.
(He's embarrassing to be with on Remembrance Sunday)

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I liked these.

Thank you, Nil

Few more:

I wanted to tell someone he was an Eskimo. But I'm pretty sure Inuit

Someone said to me that they don't eat cake because it's filling. I said no, jam and cream is filling

I entered two contests this week - a caterpillar eating contest and a worm eating contest. At the caterpillar eating contest I was alright but when the worm eating contest came, I had butterflies in my stomach

I went to a comedy gig and when the show started there was a radiator on stage - best warm up act I've seen in ages

The Austrailians call us Brits Poms. Except for cheerleeders... they call them pompoms

Ripped pages; that's not good in anyone's book

Last year everyone sent their politics paper back for remarking becasue they all felt they had the wrong grade... it's political correctness gone mad

Sheep are clever; you can't pull the wool over their eyes

I saw a woman with jam on her head. I thought, what a tart

I read a story about a woman who was born with a tongue that could only taste sour food. I laughed so much when I read that... I know, that's in bad taste

Yay! More Yatta jokes!

Loved these, more please

Yay!

A good lot there, my fave:

Quote: Yatta @ October 9 2009, 1:09 PM BST

Last year everyone sent their politics paper back for remarking becasue they all felt they had the wrong grade... it's political correctness gone mad

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