Kind of unsure about this one. Good enough ending? Too obvious? These are just some of the worries.

All comments appreciated.

INT. A ROOM - DAY

5 people are sat in a circle looking at the group leader.

GROUP LEADER
Ok gang. We've made a lot of progress today so let's try and step it up a notch. You ready?

EVERYONE
Yes!

GROUP LEADER
Great. Ok, repeat after me.

Group leader holds up a card with a picture of a dragon on it.

GROUP LEADER
Not real.

EVERYONE
Not real.

Group leader holds up a card with a picture of a unicorn on it.

GROUP LEADER
Not real.

EVERYONE
Not real.

GROUP LEADER
Great, you're all doing really well. Are we ready for the next one.

Group leader holds up a card with a picture of father Christmas on it.

GROUP LEADER
Not real.

EVERYONE
Not real.

A woman jumps up and runs out of the room crying.

WOMAN
(Screaming)
LIARS!!!

The setup is great. The punch is good too, but it's not as satisfying as it could be.

Hi Chris,

Sorry to say this didn't feel very strong to me. Needs a stronger twist in my opinion. It would probably be easier to go the other way and have a heated debate over whether someone/thing which we all know exists is real. Then someone storming out over Santa is a topper rather than carrying the joke.

Thanks for the replies.

Lee summed up my thoughts on this because I just felt like it needed another line to wrap it up nicely. Can't think of anything though so I thought I would post it up and get some opinions.

Maybe add a pan round and see Santa is sitting there as part of the group, saying "What's her problem?"

I actually liked the punchline. But I'm not sure if it's in the same way you intended?

I pictured the woman as having that reaction to any situation. I can't explain it, so I'll shuddup.

Quote: Badge @ July 5 2009, 10:38 PM BST

Maybe add a pan round and see Santa is sitting there as part of the group, saying "What's her problem?"

View original

It's good but the final one needs to be more of a twist in my humble view.

Quote: Badge @ July 5 2009, 10:38 PM BST

Maybe add a pan round and see Santa is sitting there as part of the group, saying "What's her problem?"

View original

Nice idea. Or cut out the woman altogether and just pan to Santa who is holding a picture of something, (what, I don't know) saying, "Not real."

Yeah, it's okay. Not fantastic and feels like you could more with it.

I did a spin on this sort of thing with Noah and his futile search for a unicorn. It's around these parts somewhere if you wanted to compare.

Dan

Maybe you need to alternate between REAL & NOT REAL cards. Each time showing that the group are struggling, but generally on-board.
Have the Santa screamer, then follow up with a real card featuring a suitable ridiculous, zeitgeisty celebrity of your choice. (Peter Andre?).
At this point someone shouts an incredulous "F**k off!" and the group all walk out, with the leader first pleadingly shouting "He is real!" and a final shot of him staring longingly and stroking the picture, whispering "He is".

Quote: WrylyELF @ July 18 2009, 3:57 AM BST

Maybe you need to alternate between REAL & NOT REAL cards. Each time showing that the group are struggling, but generally on-board.
Have the Santa screamer, then follow up with a real card featuring a suitable ridiculous, zeitgeisty celebrity of your choice. (Peter Andre?).
At this point someone shouts an incredulous "F**k off!" and the group all walk out, with the leader first pleadingly shouting "He is real!" and a final shot of him staring longingly and stroking the picture, whispering "He is".

View original

Yes, WrylyELF, that's a great idea - especially the incredulous "F**k off!" and Peter Andre bits. Yes, it would make Chris Forshaw's basically funny sketch even funnier!

Aye - I agree with a lot of this.

It's a funny sketch and I think the problem is, after the cracking intro of the dragon and the unicorn youhope it's going to build into something really impressive.

It's certainly not a bad ending but it lets down the nice opening. I do like the ideas of Santa sittng somewhere in the room, or perhaps the final one to be quite sick to get a shock laugh e.g holding a picture of one word in big red letters - 'holocaust'.

I wouldn't go with that as it's a bit too nasty I reckon, but certainly something halfway up that ladder of distaste could work.

I

Quote: WrylyELF @ July 18 2009, 3:57 AM BST

Maybe you need to alternate between REAL & NOT REAL cards. Each time showing that the group are struggling, but generally on-board.
Have the Santa screamer, then follow up with a real card featuring a suitable ridiculous, zeitgeisty celebrity of your choice. (Peter Andre?).
At this point someone shouts an incredulous "F**k off!" and the group all walk out, with the leader first pleadingly shouting "He is real!" and a final shot of him staring longingly and stroking the picture, whispering "He is".

View original

Smashing idea sir. I think I shall do something along those lines with this.

Cheers for the comments people.

I like it, imagined it as a comic book sketch in my head though.

Cheers sardines.

I'll have a tinker with this tomorrow and edit accordingly.