Here's an attempt at a topical sketch. Let me know what you think. Cheers.

ALFIE PATTEN AND GIRLFRIEND CHANTELLE ARE TALKING.

C: Had a hard day love?

Alfie: Yeah. Had double maths. It was a bastard. Anyway, enough about me, what's for tea?

C: Nothing special.

Alfie: Will you hurry up and just tell me what where having for tea!? The Simpson's starts soon.

C: If you must know, were having, Sautéed foie gras with Cabernet Sauvignon vinegar and almond velouté.

Alfie: (MUTTERS UNDER BREATH) What a rubbish dinner.

C: What's the matter with you?

Alfie: I wanted chicken nuggets.

C: Alfie? We are responsible parents now. We have to act like adults.

Alfie: Really?

C: Yes. We have to clean after ourselves, cook for ourselves and travel down to the hospital to get a paternity test in order to find out who's the real father of my child.

Alfie: What was that?

C: What was what?

Alfie: You said I may not be the dad.

C: No I never.

Alfie: You did. Just then.

C: You must be hearing things. I never said that the father of my child could be any one of your best mates and that the probability of you fathering this child is actually quite low because we only slept together once and it was crap.

Alfie: I'm not the father? But…

C: Anyway. (SMACKS ALFIE) Last hit. (RUNS AWAY)