Hi guys, something I wrote for Newsrevue/ Treason Show... Didn't get used, just want to know what people think of it.

Topical isn't my strong suit so forgive me!

SCENE. INT. THE DEATH STAR. NIGHT/ DAY.

A camp man in a suit is walking around the decks of the death star with a young couple in toe.

ESTATE AGENT:

Ok! And here we have another long, winding corridor leading to narrow bridge with a 4000ft drop. As you may have noticed a lot of closet space in this particular Death Star, are there any Questions?

MAN:
Yes, is there much in the way of anti social, yobbish behaviour?

ESTATE AGENT:
I'm not going to lie to you sir, there is an intergalactic war going on at the moment, you may get caught up in it, but that's why this place is going so cheap, but it is a secure structure, I assure you of that.

WOMAN:
Is there CCTV installed?

ESTATE AGENT:
Not quite, but this particular Death Star does have an immensely powerful onboard laser capable of destroying planets.

WOMAN:
(Looking at her partner impressed) Oh, well that's useful.

ESTATE AGENT:
Yeah, it's great; it really keeps the rebel hordes at bay.

MAN:
I bet it does! Have you seen the price of electricity lately? British Gas will have us for house and home! Come on love, we'll go view that 2 bed on Tatoonine (Grabbing his partner's hand).

The MAN and WOMAN storm off.

ESTATE AGENT:
(In desperation) But it passed its HIP! (To himself) The current tenants are going to kill me…

END.

I'm not going to lie to you sir, there is an intergalactic war going on at the moment...

Paul, I think this is a great set-up. I think you could get a bit more out of it.

Great idea, but your characters are too underplayed.

A sketch like this needs more geeky jokes.

What's the security like on the thermal vents?

Wheres the nearest shops?
There was a Spar and a Kebab shop on Alderan.

But otherwise an enviable good concept.

Nice concept Paul. I'm concerned that British gas gets a mention... are you thinking the British Empire will revive and come to dominate the universe? "The sun(s) never set?"

It seems like a good start to me, rather than a finished sketch. I'm sure you could get more out of it.

Wonderful idea though.

no

Yeah, *great* concept but reads like a first draft.

A 'price of electricity' gag is a great addition as it's unexpected and the audience would feel in on it, but I think you've done it too obviously. Maybe a bit of subtlety (MAN: What are the energy bills like? ESTATE AGENT: Erm... moving on through here we can see the weird pet pit... er... enclosure down below where you can send anyone who asks awkward questions) or something infinitely funnier.

It would be a lot funnier (and instantly accessible) if the current owner was showing them around (if you know what I mean <taps nose> ). Especially if he killed one of the stormtroopers for some inconsequential brewing of coffee/baking bread mistake.

Also gives you scope for a 'with Sarah Beeny' follow-up sketch (might appeal to NR/Treason more if it's a set) as she tells him what he needs to do to avoid prices plumetting.

Dan

Agree with comments above - excellent idea. My envy is yours.

Personally when the agent says the last line "the owner is going to kill me" should he not collapse to the floor holding his throat and choking as Darth (unseen) uses his mind thingummy on him?

Thanks for the comments guys, When I wrote it I thought of newsrevue so I restricted and reined in a lot of my ideas, so this is why I didn't include a lot more than I wanted...

I think it would be a good animation, but I will definatly re-write this one now I have more freedom.

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2008, 8:36 AM BST

There was a Spar and a Kebab shop on Alderan.

View original

I had a joke just like that but cut it

Like it, but, contrary to everyone else, thought the 'price of electricity' ending a little weak.
Quite Mitchel & Webb, if that's not an insult.

Great idea! Thought you incorporated well done topical jokes.
Do like SlagA's idea of the choke. Could have Darth Vader's voice adding a final comment, for example bemoaning intergalactic estate agents, (though I suspect this may be a step too far).