This sitcom is about a bunch of guys from college and one guy, Connor who isn't but hangs around with them occassionaly. Most of the scenes will all take place within the college class but this episode they are going to a christian retreat. What do you think of the opening scene?

1. EXT Front of Connor’s House

David knocks on Connor’s door and Connor grabs his bag and walks out the door as the walk down the street

David
Hungover?

Connor
Is David Walliams gay? You?

David
Possibly and hell yeah. Fantastic night how better to celebrate the fact I was born than to try and kill myself with alcoholic beverages

Connor
Did you pull?

David
I was close, so close then I kind of blew it by telling her she had a fat head. I don’t know why I said it…pretty weird, I think she did and I tried to think it and it came out as speech, and then I tried to fix it by complimenting her so I said you have a nice nose. Far too much drink. Did you?

Connor
Nah

David
Good times

Connor
Yeah may have had a bit too much though, I can’t remember an awful lot. Did I do anything…you know, embarrassing?

David
No No, not at all (turns away and signals with his face that was not the case)

Connor
So you got any plans for your actual birthday then? Tomorrow isn’t it?

David
Hmm, not really probably just go out again tomorrow night if you fancy it? Though I feel like hell so maybe not

Connor
Right…here’s the thing. You know the way I’m infatuated with Rachel?

David
Yep

Connor
I know how I can get to her

David
You mean speak to her?

Connor
Basically yeah, she is going away on one of those Christian retreats and its for the weekend so I was wondering…

David
Not a chance

Connor
You don’t know what it is yet

David
I’m not spending my birthday listening to how “God” (makes speech marks with his fingers) and Jesus were like the A-team and killied giants with swords attached to their heads by forgiving their sins.

Connor
Please Dave, it’ll be a laugh. Oh and Hannah will be there, you cannot resist her surely you two talked few weeks back

David
We didn’t talk we just…chatted

Connor
Same thing. Please

David
No, it’s unfair on you to ask me

Connor
It’s unfair of you to reject your best friend. You know I’d do anything for you, you’re my brother…I love you

David
Eurgh, your desperate

Connor
Puppy dog eyes? (Connor crouch’s down and looks up desperate)

David
You’re an idiot…go on then
Connor
(celebrates my jumping and fisting the air) Yes!

David
I’m away to college

Connor
I will see you later then, as we are getting the bus to Hunnyville.

David
(cringes) whatever

2 INT College Class
David, Simon, Jay and Steven are in the foreground with their only other two classmates and their only female class mates, Nikki and George.

David
Ah…Thursday another tough week over (sarcastically)

Simon
(laughs) yeah so much better than school

David
Is it? Is it really? I prefer school ten fold, at least in school you don’t learn about total crap and have a mute teacher

Simon
McCauley isn’t that bad

David
Awful teacher, I am basically teaching myself

Steven
So what, get over it!

David
Why should I get over it, he is getting paid to do nothing…he is basically Paris Hilton

Steven
You think your so much better than everyone don’t you with your similes and your shirts

David
Was a metaphor and this is a nice shirt

Steven
Whatever, your not better than us

David
I’m quite aware of that

Simon
What is it you want to be again, an actor…like wise up

David
Wise up? What do you mean wise up? And anyway I want to be a writer

Simon
(laughs) Ohhh a writer, you have to be like the next Einstein to be a writer, you only have 5 GCSE’s

David
(frustrated) Einstein was a scientist you moron. You just need to be a good writer and have a f**king brain.

Simon
Well it’s never going to happen

David
So what if it doesn’t, at least I have ambition. I don’t want to do a dead end job all my life like you I want to…swim with dolphins or walk in Memphis, I want to write a sequel to the bible or something, something that I can be proud of

Simon
I have ambition too actually

David
Oh yeah, you plan to work in Asda after this course…real ambitious.

Simon
£5.65 an hour

David
(sighs) sure (gives up talking to him)

Simon
Ohhh no comeback

David
It’s not a f**king competition

CUT

Welcome Chris.

Good dialogue - but it did seem to tail off a bit.

Where is it going to?

Hi Chris

Your characters' voices are a bit too similar. It'd difficult to distinguish who's talking. They should have their own flaws/misgivings which should show through in their dialogue.

The dialogue is okay, a bit too 'mates banter' but some lines are quite nice. However, dialogue is the last thing to worry about. Your plot, I assume, is going to Christian Camp so I would progress this in scene 2. Personally, I didn't see what scene 2 brought to the show as it had too many characters and didn't progress the story on one notch (nor start a subplot) as should be the case.

I'd sort your characters out first. Spend a bit of time writing their characteristics down and thinking about their background and back story so you understand them and how they'd react in any situations and write a plot without any dialogue. If this is funny, has beginning, middle and end with a few twists on the way then you're on to a winner.

Hope this is helpful

Dan

I'm seeing a lot of problems I had for my first sitcom in this...

As swerytd mentions the characters do seem very samey.

I assume this is a first draft so I'm not going to be "Harsh" on you, but it didn't really make me smile or laugh and the idea of 3-4 guys who go to college or uni I have noticed is being done to death by young writers such as ourselves (Yes I did one and yes I dropped it because it was pants).

But if you keep at it and basically re-write re-write re-write, you should be ok.

PS. I couldn't help but think the part in the class room was very much like my economics lesson... we have like 3 hot girls, the rest are lads and my teacher does nothing but talk about the 60's