This is the opening scene of a sit-com I sent to the BBC about 18 months ago - eventually rejected.

It's about 2 middle-aged failed songwriters. Semi-autobiographical? Naturally...

SCENE 1 - TOM'S BEDROOM DURING THE NIGHT.

TOM IS ASLEEP IN THE DARK. SUDDENLY HE IS AWOKEN BY HIS MOBILE PHONE RINGING ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THE BED. HE SNIFFLES, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS ABOUT HIMSELF HALF-ASLEEP. HE STRETCHES OVER AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.

TOM (SLEEPILY) : Hello?

SPLIT SCREEN WE SEE DAN IN ANOTHER LIT ROOM. HE IS OBVIOUSLY WIDE AWAKE AND EXCITED.

DAN : I've got a riff.

TOM (PUZZLED) : You what?

DAN : I've got a riff. A great new riff. You wanna hear it?

TOM (LOOKS AT THE PHONE INCREDULOUSLY, LOOKS AT THE LIGHTS ON THE DIGITAL CLOCK READING 3.56 THEN PUTS THE PHONE BACK TO HIS EAR): Do you know it's 4 in the morning?

DAN : Yeah, it was a hit for Faron Young in 1972 - but it's nothing like that.

TOM (DISBELIEVINGLY) : I've got to get up for work at 6 o'clock.

DAN : Well I've done you a favour then. You'll be early now. You're always telling me you get in late for work.

TOM : I'm not getting up at 4 in the morning just to hear one of your AMAZING new riffs.

DAN : Go on. Just give it a listen.

TOM : It's alright for you. You don't have to actually GO to work do you?

DAN (HURT) : I've been up all night working mate. And this is the result. (A THOUGHT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO HIM)Oh sorry - you haven't got someone with you have you?

TOM : I should be so lucky - and don't you DARE say (SINGS) lucky, lucky lucky. I was on my own having a lovely sleep.

DAN : Dreaming? After all (SINGS AGAIN)"Dreaming is Free".

TOM : Will you just bloody well hut up. As a matter of fact I was dreaming.

DAN (GETTING INTERESTED) : What about mate?

TOM : I don't remember.

DAN : Well it doesn't matter then does it.

TOM : Look I WAS blissfully fast asleep. And I'm not NOW. I'm wide awake.

DAN : Chill man.

TOM : Chill? Don't tell me to chill. Firstly I've had my sleep interrupted and secondly you're trying to talk like some trendy young thing. It doesn't suit you. You're NOT young and you're NOT trendy.

DAN : Oh well. Maybe in the morning then.

TOM : You STILL won't be young or trendy in the morning. And anyway it is the morning NOW.

DAN (HOPEFUL) : In that case do you want to hear it now.

TOM (DEFEATEDLY) : Oh no. Look I don't necessarily want to hear it NOW but maybe if I get it out of the way I can get back to sleep.

DAN (EXCITED) : Great mate - you won't be disappointed.

TOM (SARCASTICALLY) : No - course I won't.

PHONE CLICKS OFF AND INSTANTANEOUSLY TOM'S BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND DAN COMES IN WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND SITS DOWN ON THE CORNER OF TOM'S BED. HE STARTS STRUMMING A FEW CHORDS WHICH SOUND SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE "OWNER OF A LONELY HEART" BY YES. TOM IS NOW SITTING UP IN BED AND IS SLOWLY SHAKING HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE.

DAN (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) : Well mate? What do you think? It's not finished yet.

TOM : I think it sounds like "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes. In fact it sounds like the one you came up with last week.

DAN : No mate - that was a um Major Seventh. This one's an E-Flat.

TOM : Don't try to blind me with science. You're making those chords up.

DAN : That's the whole point isn't it?

TOM : No - I mean the names of those chords. As far as I'm concerned an E-Flat is somewhere a kid goes to get his drugs.

DAN (LAUGHING): Yeah - sounds good though doesn't it? Like I know what I'm talking about. If you didn't know any better...

TOM : The trouble is I DO know better. YOU that is. You're so full of rubbish. It still sounds like "Owner of a Lonely Heart". In fact they ALL sound like "Owner of a BLOODY lonely heart".

DAN : So don't you like it?

TOM : What Yes?

DAN : No - my new riff.

TOM : It's not a new riff. It's a twenty year old riff.

DAN : I thought you liked Yes.

TOM : I DO like Yes. But that was over twenty years ago now. It used to be called Progressive Rock. The trouble with you is that you haven't progressed in twenty years. No wonder we don't get anywhere when everything you do is so outdated.

PAUSE

DAN : Don't you like it then?

TOM : You're not listening to me are you? That was then - this is now ...

DAN (INTERRUPTING) : ABC, 1983.

TOM : there's no point rehashing eighties prog rock - not unless there's a prog-rock revival of course. And I can't see that happening.

PAUSE

DAN (SLIGHTLY HURT): So you don't like it then?

TOM : At this time of night ...

DAN (INTERRUPTING AGAIN) : Morning mate.

TOM : At this time of the MORNING - no I bloody well don't.

DAN : I didn't mean to rip anyone off. It was totally sub-conscious...

TOM : I wish you WERE totally sub-conscious - or even I was - now good night. TOM GRABS A PILLOW AND COVERS HIS HEAD WITH IT.

DAN (CORRECTING HIM AGAIN) : Morning mate.

TOM HURLS THE PILLOW AT DAN WHO SWIFLY LEAVES THE BEDROOM.

TOM : And turn that bloody light out.

DAN : Sorry mate.
DAN'S HAND COMES ROUND THE DOOR AND TURNS THE LIGHT SWITCH OFF. TOM GRABS ANOTHER PILLOW AND THE SCENE CLOSES.

Well - what do you think?

David,

I like your opening scene. It introduces the characters well, shows a lot about Tom and Dan's characters, and the two leads interact well. You do need to tighten up on a few things. Firstly, the action can be trimmed:

TOM IS ASLEEP IN THE DARK. SUDDENLY HE IS AWOKEN BY HIS MOBILE PHONE RINGING ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THE BED. HE SNIFFLES, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS ABOUT HIMSELF HALF-ASLEEP. HE STRETCHES OVER AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.

TOM (SLEEPILY) : Hello?

Cut the parenthesis. You've already described that he is sleepy. You can also cut most of the other parenthesis, too. As for the action, cut out the redundant words:

TOM IS ASLEEP IN BED. ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE, HIS MOBILE PHONE RINGS.

You don't need to say dark, you don't need to say awoken.

I like your dialogue. Don't agree with the CAPS LOCKED words, but that's a matter of opinion.

As I said, you've got a good opening scene. Trim the length by about a quarter, and I think it will read a lot better.

Hope that helps.

Rob

I liked it, there were some funny/clever lines in there, I liked the bit where Dan comes in, good entry. Both the characters have a distinct voice which I've read is good. I have a friend like Dan, annoyingly enthusiastic about everything!

I agree with these guys. There are some really nice things but they're a bit buried 'neath too much wordage. I imagine I would watch it if it were on TV.

Thanks for these. Yes - I agree some of it was a bit overdone. The CAPS bits were for stressing that part of the dialogue.

As I said this is the opening scene and maybe there's a bit too much repetition. Discussed it tonight at a writing group and it was felt it may work better on radio - although it would need a fair bit of reworking.

My first time at "criticism"...

I really enjoyed it, and i actually laughed out loud when Dan walked in playing his guitar. Could imagine the situation perfectly in my head.

The only thing i couldn't imagine was the song...maybe because of my age. I may recognise it if i heard it. I get the idea it's an older song, but maybe something a bit more well known would be better.

I know it's not productive criticism but i want you to know i liked it.

Maybe I'll do it with a more famous song of the period.

Quote: David Chapman @ March 15, 2007, 10:29 PM

Maybe I'll do it with a more famous song of the period.

View original

I'm not all that familiar with the Yes song, but I think people get the idea. No matter what song you put there'll be a prog rock amateur (like myself or - I guess - Ellie) who wouldn't know the tune off by heart so I wouldn't change it for that reason.

It might be funnier if the chords sound very prog rock but the sceptical character sings over the top of them and they're from The Frog Chorus or something.

Bump.

Sorry but Kitty was asking about it.

This is Brilliant. Well done you.

Flows well.

Nice one. Funny too. I'd like to see the whole thing.

goody i found the work for critique!

opinions? i really like this! they seem different but likable people and i want to see what happens to them. i reckon what you wrote in that whole section was funnier than a whole series of 'my family' easily!

Liked it! Be interested to know how it will (or has) further developed. Could be more compact I guess but characters are good (I've known a few 'Dans' who seem to want to pick keys like Eb!) and the dialogue flows nicely in my opinion. Anything that makes you want to know what happens next has potential. A few more humour points maybe needed although shouldn't be difficult as Tom's lyric efforts are explored!?! Good stuff!

Lol@ the bit were he comes in with the guitar and the E-Flat line.

Very good, but it does need tightening up like the others have said.

There's one big problem with it being a sitcom. It isn't very funny.