F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to APlate and me for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
APlate, Me - 2
Otterfox, Tiggy - 1
Next topic: Event (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 6.2.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 2 - APlate, Me
2 - 1 - Otterfox, Tiggy
FOR PETRA'S SAKE
TOM and DICK in the pub.
DICK Why are you scratching yourself?
TOM Why are you setting up the sketch with all the grace of a drugged baboon in Stoke?... I mean, I'm itching.
DICK You know what the problem is?
TOM No but I'm sure you're you gonna...
DICK You're a sexist misogynicals.
TOM Huh?
DICK Yes, you paternalisms. The flea may be female so you are expressing your sexist bigotismness by trying to erase it from your f**k-so-superior male body, just as men have for years of bad attempted to eradicate women from opportunities, careers and Stoke.
TOM Ah, shut up.
DICK Misoginicalness!
TOM Why?
DICK 'Why?' he says... For if you take the words 'Shut up', mix the letters up, add some letters, take some letters away, and mix the letters up again, it clearly, unmistakably and f**king well does say, 'I think men are totally awesome, dude, whilst women are total and utter shit.' You should be ashamed of yourself. Patriarchialestical sexist.
TOM I'm gonna walk out that door in a min...
DICK Showvernisticful! In the language of France, ancient Greece and all Stoke, the word for door is patentkly femininium, hence your shocking, paterchial, male supremanicist utterance acts as a metafurry trope for obsession with rejecting all that women have contributed to society, culture and Stoke.
TOM Look. I'm just as anti - uncle - I'm just as anti sext assumptions as the next man.
DICK A-ha! And what makes you think the person next to you is a man?
TOM (shrugs) Your penis.
DICK (looks down, arranges pants) Sorry about that... (sighs) Masculistical.
TOM Oh, stop...
DICK 'Stop'! Using a Spice Girls lyric to offend! So you think girlies have no right to sing, work in politics or breed mongeese.
TOM I'm sick of this...
DICK 'This'! Sounds a bit like 'tits'. I know your sort: you'd bring back Page Three, the Benny Hill show and that Sabrina video where one partially sees her left boob. You woman-hating, degradingful, female-batingness cu...
TOM That's enough...
DICK Enough? Enough what? Enough women in society? Enough females in jobs? Or enough of your petty, narrow-minded, total and utter misogyinicalfulnesismings?
TOM Gonna distract myself with some music. (opens phone, playing Madonna)
DICK Madonna is shit.
TOM Yes, she is.
COL: Thank you, headmaster. Now, boys and girls, I don't know any of you, and it's likely that none of you know who I am. But, when your headmaster asked me to come and give an address at your speech day today...I was surprised, because he's never met me either. But, you know, a good speech, just like a good school career, is not about who you know or don't know it's about what you know. Or is the other way round? Well, what I know is greengrocery. I run Frith's Grocer's on Merrydew Street.
Of course, being a greengrocer is not the sexiest career on the planet, if I can say "sexy" in a school. I think I probably can, so long as I don't say you are all it. Which I'm not. I'm saying greengrocery is sexy. Which it's not, so I shouldn't say it. But the point is, that a successful businessperson might be found in the Fortune 500, or they might be found in Merrydew Street, and perhaps I'm here today to talk to you about being successful. But that won't work: my grocers was failing, and I sold it for a pittance to a man who uses it as a front to sell illegal cigarettes and pornographic coasters. So I can't tell you how an old boy of this school grew up to be a financial success; partly because I didn't go to this school. In fact, I never knew it was here, because it's sort of shielded from the road by that large B&M Bargains.
No, I suspect the real reason that your headmaster asked me here today is that my name is Colin Frith. And he meant to invite Colin Firth. Who did go to this school. So, with your headmaster embarrassedly and hurriedly approaching me across the stage, I shall leave you with this very important message to take away. Never forget, boys and girls, I never said any of you were sexy, so don't misquote me. Your Geography mistress, on the other hand - yummo!
GREG: Mr Peters, I have most of the project done.
MR PETERS: Good. Please fill me in.
GREG: Well, I thought we'd have a good safe start and go for a candle.
MR PETERS: OK.
GREG: Then...BAMM! We hit them with a donkey! That's the last thing people will be expecting!
MR PETERS: Um. Will it?
GREG: Then while they're still recovering from that we follow up with a bell/angel combo.
MR PETERS: What?....
GREG: I've not forgotten the chocolate. Don't worry about that.
MR PETERS: Chocolate?
GREG: Behind every door. It's what Jesus would have wanted.
MR PETERS: Door? Angel? What are you going on about Greg?
GREG: The calender. Things to go in the calender.
MR PETERS: OK. I've got it. You're doing "Advent" aren't you?
GREG: Well yes. That's this week's topic.
MR PETERS: "Event"! It's "Event!" not "Advent.
GREG: Oh. I did wonder why we were doing it at the end of January. I just thought maybe Michael was having one of his "turns" again.
MR PETERS: Well he's not. It's "Event" so we need to think of one of those to do something on. What was the last event you went to?
GREG: Errr, I've never been to one. I've only existed for the last 18 lines.
MR PETERS: Yes. Same here. No backstory, nothing.
GREG: We're only here because we're being written about. So... what's going to happen when this sketch ends?
MR PETERS: We cease to exist.
GREG: We die? I suppose that's an event.
MR PETERS: Yes, I suppose it is. A pretty big one for us...
....
...
GREG: I'm scared Mr Peters.
MR PETERS: Me too. Kind of natural to be scared though.
GREG: What do we do?
MR PETERS: Everybody dies eventually Greg.
GREG: Not usually after just one page.
MR PETERS: No. That's not usual. But all we can do is meet the inevitable.
GREG: Yes.
MR PETERS: "The End".
GREG: Yes.
MR PETERS: With grace.
GREG: Yes.
MR PETERS: With courage.
GREG: Courage.
MR PETERS: And dignity.
GREG: Dignity!
...
...
GREG: Do you know when you wrinkle your nose it looks like a baboon's scrotum?
MR PETERS: Oh for God's sa...
THE END
NEWSCASTER (BILL):
...And I'm afraid we're going to have to cut short that report on the spider who fell out of its web as something even bigger is after happening at Haven Forest. There are reports of....(HOLDS FINGER TO HIS EAR)....havoc and.....commotion up there.
Some reports coming in are saying that half the forest is missing, others say it was an explosion, more say it was something nice that then went bad.
Birds and animals, trees and forestry workers were flung from where they stood. What caused this disaster? We have our reporter Mark up there, Mark....
THERE ARE PEOPLE AND ANIMALS RUNNING IN VARIOUS DIRECTIONS, PANICK-STRICKEN. THE REPORTER MARK LOOKS A STATE. HIS SUIT IT RIPPED AND HAS SCRAPES AND DIRT ALL OVER HIM. HIS HAIR IS A COMPLETE MESS.
MARK:
Hi Bill. (BEAT)
BILL:
W-What happened?
MARK:
Well I'm still trying to find that out it looks-
BILL:
No. What happened to you? Were you caught up in the explosion yourself?
MARK:
No I just got here.
BILL:
How come you're dressed like...nevermind.
MARK:
How come I'm dressed like I was caught up in an explosion. I thought it would build up a rapport with the people who were actually caught in it and therefore get a better interview.
BILL:
And has it worked?
MARK:
N-not exactly no. Look, heres a few clips of a couple of interviews I conducted a few minutes ago.
CUT TO INTERVIEWS:
MARK INTERVIEWING AN ELDERLY WOMAN.
MARK:
What happened to the forest?
ELDERLY WOMAN:
It's....what forest?
MARK INTERVIEWING A MAN IN A SUIT.
MARK:
What happened here?
SUITED MAN:
Aaaa...am lets see....erosion, no....rain, acid rain, no....heat...global warning, warming, no...warming warning...global heating...fluff. Yes fluff...and dung, definitely.
MARK INTERVIEWING A LUMBERJACK.
MARK:
You were working close to where the incident occured. What happened?
LUMBERJACK:
Bloody hell! I've been working here for the last three seasons and I've never seen anything like it! The leaves, (INCREDULOUS)they just started turning brown and then just, just started falling off the trees. Unbelievable!
CUT BACK TO MARK TALKING TO NEWSCASTER BILL.
MARK:
Thats all I've been able to find out so far Bill.
BILL:
You havent found out anything! We need to find out what caused the explosion or whatever it was. Get in there, get in about them. Someone has to know something. Go!
MARK RUNS INTO THE CROWD OF PEOPLE AND PULLS OUT A FOOTBALLER IN FULL FOOTBALL KIT.
MARK:
What happened here? How are you feeling?
FOOTBALLER:
Great, great. I've come in. The boys have been great. It flashed up, I went for the header, next thing I know I'm being stretchered off. Great!
MARK:
What flashed up?
FOOTBALLER:
Great. It was just great.
MARK:
Oh for God sake!
MARK RUNS BACK INTO THE CROWD AND PULLS OUT ANOTHER LUMBERJACK.
MARK:
What happened?
LUMBERJACK:
Big raba cun breee grunabeee.
MARK:
Are you speaking English?
LUMBERJACK:
Yes I am.
MARK:
Well what happened then?
LUMBERJACK:
Cregeeeen gralla frumpquip ninnaby....fapooo.
MARK:
Useless!
A MAN IN HIS 70'S APPROACHES. HE LOOKS LIKE A LECTURER OR HISTORIAN.
HISTORIAN:
(HE FACES THE CAMERA AS IF PRESENTING HIS OWN PROGRAM)
Flying through time we go now to see if anything like this has ever happened here before. A big ball of-
HE COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS CHEST.
MARK:
Oh for Christ sake!
MARK SEES A HEAVY-SET MAN WHO LOOKS TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON THE GROUND. HE IS EATING A BURGER.
MARK:
So what did you see and what are you looking for?
HEAVY-SET MAN:
Sauce. I'm looking for tomato sauce.
MARK:
And what did you see?
HEAVY-SET MAN:
A burger.
MARK:
Okay just...just get lost!
NEWSCASTER BILL:
Mark!! For the love of God will you find out what the hell happened? Our time is just about up!!
MARK DESPERATELY LOOKS AROUND FOR ANYONE TO INTERVIEW. HE CATCHES A SQUIRREL AND PLONKS HIM IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
MARK:
Now what happened?
SQUIRREL:
Rrrrr-r-r-r-r-r-r, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (THE SQUIRREL POINTS TO WHERE ALL THE COMMOTION IS TAKING PLACE) r-r-r-r-r-r-rrrrrr.
THE SQUIRREL STARES AT THE CAMERA WIDE-EYED FOR A FEW SECONDS. WE THEN CUT BACK TO THE NEWSCASTER.
BILL:
What a sad state of affairs when the interview that made the most sense was given by a squirrel. We're completely out of time and we could not even establish what happened so for no reason at all we are going to leave you with the first words uttered by each interviewee.
ELDERLY WOMAN:
It's...
SUITED MAN:
Aaaa
LUMBERJACK:
Bloody
FOOTBALLER:
Great
LUMERJACK 2:
Big
HISTORIAN:
Flying
HEAVY-SET MAN:
Sauce
SQUIRREL:
Rrrr
END WITH THE SQUIRREL WIDE-EYED STARING AT THE CAMERA.
END.
All good ones, I'll vote for Tiggy's meta mayhem. "I've only existed for the last 18 lines"!
I'll go for Gappy. Again my weakness for school based stuff shows.
Gappy too.
Tiggy. I loved the switch at this line:
GREG: I'm scared Mr Peters.
I have a confession with mine. I had zero time this week so I trawled through my back catalogue and found a sketch from 2011 that fitted the bill.
This is a really tough one to call. Mikey had lots of great lines, Gappys had lots of twists and turns. Just when you think it's going in one direction, it shifts, and I love meta ideas so Tiggys was right up my street. For sustained humour and to constantly keep the reader guessing it's Gappy by a nose.
Quote: Otterfox @ 8th February 2024, 12:24 AMI have a confession with mine. I had zero time this week so I trawled through my back catalogue and found a sketch from 2011 that fitted the bill..
I think that's acceptable, you're not the first person to grab an entry form the bottom drawer, so don't feel bad. But writing something new is usually most fun, I find.
Nothing wrong with that. Some people rape mongeese.