Quote: Woozie @ 13th September 2015, 5:55 PM BST

A friend is having an anatomy themed wedding. I'm the breast man.

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When Bob said he wanted topless dancers for his stag night I was excited

Then he told me I was the breastman

I was told to do a lot of training before the big fight so I'm on the Orient Express.

Two owls unsuccessfully trying to have sex in the rain.
It was...
Wait for it...
Come on...

Too wet to woo

(Groans...) :-)

Every time I open the barn door, I feel pain. I let out a little 'owl.

I bought a weapon, took it home and discovered it was blunt. I'm really disappointed. Now I have an axe to grind.

I saw a blue tit the other day. Probably just bad circulation on her part.

I'm fed up with the guy who eats fish with me. I've haddock with him.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 15th September 2015, 6:25 PM BST

I'm fed up with the guy who eats fish with me. I've haddock with him.

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Are you Sole Mates?

I said to a Blues Brother, What's your favourite fish? He said, I'm a sole man.

The replacement of Bozo The Clown has big shoes to fill.

The problem with Rent-A-Kill? They're pest to get rid of.

I was going to have dinner with the removal team but they had trouble getting through the door.

That Velcro I bought was £2.99. What a rip-off!

I went out with a girl called Simile. What am I like?!

Jeremy Corbyn is clearly a lampoon of the comic messiah himself, our Lord John Cleese. I mean, come on, even the initials "JC" are exactly the same.

Quote: Steev @ 16th September 2015, 10:25 AM BST

Jeremy Corbyn is clearly a lampoon of the comic messiah himself, our Lord John Cleese. I mean, come on, even the initials "JC" are exactly the same.

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JESUS CHRIST! You're right... and Julian Clary ... and even Jimmy Carr!!!

I went into this game shop and I said to the shopkeeper; "Have you got chess?" He said, "I don't think so." I said, "Could you check mate? Have you got any draughts?" He said, "No, sir." I said, "Well there is air coming from somewhere. You do snakes and ladders?" He said, "No, sir." I said, "Well good luck getting those mice out the ceiling."

Have you seen those naturist televisions? There's never anything on.

Geri Halliwell has a theory that ejaculation cures constipation. It's called, Cream if yer wanna go faster.

Sexy water spouts? I'd tap that.

A friend wanted me to buy his suppositories for him. What a bottom-feeder!

I've been asked to be a sound engineer for a band.
But I don't want to, want to.

Masturbation contest. I won hands down.