Quote: sootyj @ 26th August 2015, 2:52 PM BST

How do you make a budgie go quack?

Stick it in the deep freeze, then hit it with a hammer.

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Maybe say it like "stick it in the deep fweeze, then hit with a hammer".

Or does that patronise the recipient of the joke too much?

ah yes that is neater nice one

Quote: sootyj @ 26th August 2015, 1:41 PM BST

... Wanking Dead.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19458#P700268

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Ouch! Sorry Sir. Pure coincidence, I promise.

The fickle world of American TV news reporting, eh?

One minute you're doing the morning slot; the next, the graveyard shift.

nicely done

Quote: sootyj @ 26th August 2015, 2:52 PM BST

How do you make a budgie go quack?
Stick it in the deep freeze, then hit it with a hammer.

View original

I was nervous because it was a first date , so I stuck the bird in the freezer and had to hit it with a hammer when I took it out. How else is a necrophiliac going to break the ice ?

My wife wears a pessary, takes the pill and makes me use a condom. Methinks the lady doth protect too much.

What did the girl say to the guy who was waiting for an answer on a date?

Yes, I usually just get prunes!

Or

I'm sorry, we only sell prunes!

I'm using a new app that let's you change your facial features. It kept changing my pupil colouring but turns out I had it set to random eyes.

I have to take antibiotics since my visit to PC World.
I got an SSD.

"Here lies Comic Book Guy": Worst epitaph ever.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 29th August 2015, 11:38 PM BST

I asked my Doctor what I should do about my compulsion to shoplift in PC World.

He said: "Keep taking the tablets."

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or maybe?

I told my doctor I keep feeling the urge to steel product from PC World,
He said "I can recommend a couple of tablets for you to take!"

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 31st August 2015, 5:19 AM BST

or maybe?

I told my doctor I keep feeling the urge to steel product from PC World,
He said "I can recommend a couple of tablets for you to take!"

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I think the 1st is better - "Keep taking the tablets" is a known cliche, so it feels more satisfying (and the rhythm is neater).

Steel is metal
Steal is to take without permission.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I just had to steal that steel didn't I? But the scrappie said it wasn't worth much and now a copper has locked me up in an iron cage.

Like the old we're in the iron and steel business. My wife does the ironing, I do the stealing.